S.T.A.R.S. Anthology File No. #013
Code Name: Blonde Anaconda
It was another roasting hot day at Raccoon City Police Headquarters. The temperature in the building was about 85° degrees around 9:30 at night; while the day was hotter still, topping off at 103° degrees. The city was in the middle of a powerful heatwave and relief was not expected until late in the week, next week. To further add to the misery of the oppressive heat, headquarters was still undergoing upgrades to the air conditioning system and there were intermittent outages. With the central air conditioning still sketchy at best, it made for exceptionally difficult working conditions for the Special Tactics and Rescue Service, especially for Captain Wesker who did not tolerate temperatures above 75° very well. With it being so warm both inside and outside of Headquarters meant that instead of showering when he got home, Captain Wesker had to partake in showering at HQ.
Captain Wesker disliked taking showers with others. He preferred the privacy and perfection of his own bathroom than the dank dingy police headquarters showers. Captain Wesker's home boasted an expensive custom master bathroom, which was something a five star hotel would be envious of. It had Italian marble walls and floors, a deep whirlpool bathtub, an adjustable water temperature gauge in the walk-in shower, and a double sink, which he made use of even though he lived alone. After having creature comforts like that, everything else paled in comparison.
Another reason why Wesker hated showering with others is because ever since he was a boy in boarding school, he had to endure strange stares when he walked into the locker room. However, over the years he learned to ignore the gawks and glares, but they still mildly annoyed him. Right now, Wesker had to endure everything he disliked about public showers, because he was overheated and very sweaty from a long day of training and it was time to shower at headquarters before heading on the long drive home. Throwing open the shower room doors, Captain Wesker made his way through the locker room. Much to his surprise, it was virtually empty in the locker room, save for Chris who staring mindlessly into space as he sat on the bench.
"Are you ok Chris?" Wesker asked opening up his locker. "Is the heat getting to you?"
"Huh?" Chris said snapping out of his daydream. "Oh I'm fine Captain Wesker, maybe just a bit tired."
"Well it's not easy holding up under this oppressive heat." Wesker replied.
"Yeah." Chris said feebly.
Wesker opened his locker where he kept a change of clothes, few small items for showering, and a decent sized mirror hung on his locker door. As suspected, Wesker kept his locker meticulously neat and well organized. Wesker took off his sunglasses and laid them neatly inside the top shelf and then he began to remove his uniform. He started by removing his boots and placing them at the bottom of the long locker, from there he tidily took off his socks and sat them neatly on the top shelf, afterwards he took his tactical vest and hung it on one hook, then folded his pants neatly as to not disturb the crease as he placed them gently on top of his sunglasses, and then he gently hung his shirt on the hook. From there he removed a large purple towel from the middle shelf and placed it over his shoulder.
Chris finally stood up from mindless daze and opened his locker which was right beside Wesker's. Chris's locker was the antithesis of Wesker's immaculate sideboard; Chris's looked like a bomb hit the inside of it. Everything was a disorganized mess, but that was typically Chris to have everything in his locker haphazardly strewn about. Chris took off his boots and tossed them inside the locker with a loud clang. Then he tossed his socks, pants, and shirt into the locker. He rummaged around the disheveled shelves for a towel and when he finally found it, the blue terry cloth towel was all wrinkled and smelled like mildew as Chris slung it over his shoulder.
"Ugh." Wesker said breathing in the pong from Chris's rancid towel. "Take my towel Chris."
"Are you sure Wesker?" Chris asked.
"Yes please." Wesker said. "And throw that disgusting rag in the trash."
"Well if you're sure Captain…" He said reluctantly taking Wesker's very soft purple towel. "But what about…"
Before he could finish his thought, Wesker had pulled out a big fluffy white towel from the back of his locker and tossed it around his shoulders. With his question having been answered, Chris walked over to the trash can and dumped his old towel into the trash, when he turned around he saw Wesker was now completely undressed and wrapping the white towel around his waist. Before Wesker tied the downy alabaster bath sheet around his waist, Chris broke the first rule of men's locker room etiquette; Chris's brown eyes drifted down to Captain Wesker's nether regions and there he saw it and "it" was massive, to an unbelievable degree. Captain Wesker was tremendously endowed.
Quickly un-bulging his brown eyes and shooting them back up to eye level with Captain Wesker, Chris pulled off his undergarments, tossed them into the messy locker. Slamming the creaky locker door he dashed off into the shower area. Chris wasted no time in trying to wash up, but in his haste he forgot to grab his soap and shampoo from his locker. He knew he needed to go back and get them, but he didn't want to chance running into Captain Wesker and seeing "it" again. He had to think of something and quick.
It wasn't too long before Captain Wesker made his way into the shower area. Taking his towel off and placing it on a nearby hook, Wesker turned on the water and began to bathe himself. Chris figured that while Captain Wesker was busy showering he could run back out and grab his items, then slowly make his way back to the showers. If he took a slow enough time, Wesker would be done and he could shower without worrying about seeing "it" again.
Chris was about to spring his plan into action without looking at Captain Wesker or "it", but just as he was about to make a break for it Wesker called out to him.
"Chris." Captain Wesker called out to him.
Chris gulped, he didn't want to turn and face Wesker or "it".
"Yes Wesker?" He asked reluctantly.
"Are you going to Bar Jack tonight?" Wesker asked.
"No Captain." Chris said slowly turning to face Wesker and trying not to look at "it".
"I thought you and Forest usually went out on Friday nights." Wesker answered as he lathered up and began to bathe himself.
"Uh…" Chris made the mistake of looking down at Wesker's nether region again and "it" was still there and still enormous even in an un-aroused state. "We do, but we're not going to Bar Jack we're going to a party on the RCCC campus."
"Those Raccoon City Community College parties get kind of rowdy." Wesker said rinsing off the soap from his body and pouring a handful of shampoo in his blonde hair. "Be careful over there."
"Forest has a girlfriend who goes to school there." Chris said starting to creep towards the door that leads to the locker room. "So it should be ok."
"Where are you going Chris?" Wesker asked suspiciously.
"I uh…" Chris stammered, but quickly rebounded. "I left my soap and stuff in my locker…"
"The heat must really be getting to you tonight, huh Chris?" Wesker said kindly. "No need to walk back to your locker, just use my soap and shampoo."
"You don't have to do that Captain Wesker." Chris said with his voice cracking slightly at the sight of his mammoth endowment.
"Are you sure you're feeling ok Chris?" Wesker said noting the change in his voice.
Chris cleared his throat and tried to play it cool, which wasn't easy given the circumstances. Who knew that his commanding officer would have such an extensive manhood? No wonder Captain Wesker had such unyielding confidence! Chris presumed he would be that self-assured too, if he had an endowment that rivaled the size of a bull elephant's. Taking a deep breath in and slowly exhaling, Chris tried to regain his senses.
"I'm fine Captain." Chris lied in his most assuring voice.
Wesker looked at Chris and easily accepted his answer, he knew something strange was going on with Chris, be he didn't wish to pry any further, so he turned around and continued to bathe himself. Meanwhile, Chris walked back underneath the warm shower water and reluctantly reached for Wesker's soap. When he grabbed the soft tan bar he couldn't help but become intoxicated by the sweet yet earthy aroma. It seemed like a familiar scent, but he wasn't sure and he didn't want to ask.
"I hope you're not allergic to patchouli." Wesker said grabbing his shampoo bottle and lathering up his blonde hair for a second washing.
"That's what this is?" Chris asked.
"Yes," Wesker replied. "Its patchouli, honey, and goat's milk soap from Switzerland."
"Sounds expensive?" Chris said eyeing the soft tan bar of soap in his hands.
"It wasn't too expensive." Wesker replied nonchalantly. "It's about eighteen dollars a bar."
"Eighteen dollars for one bar of soap?!" Chris said with his brown eyes bulging. "How is that not too expensive?!"
"Really it's not that much compared to my other soap." Wesker answered. "The soap I use at home comes from a company in France. It is made from mud found in the Dead Sea. It detoxifies the skin, improves circulation, tones, hydrates, and restores the skin's natural mineral levels. That one is about $30 a bar.""Damn." Chris said sounding horrified as he washed the sweet smelling soap off his body. "I just buy whatever is the cheapest at the store."
"You can't put a price on good skin care Chris." Wesker said sternly. "It's the largest organ on your body and should be properly cared for, regardless of what it costs."
After that statement, the two men continued to bathe in silence. Chris put down Wesker's soap and reached for his shampoo. He couldn't help but wonder how much that cost considering his soap was in the double digits; knowing Wesker, this shampoo was probably close to one hundred dollars a bottle. Opening the cap and pouring a large glob of the liquid into his hands, he could tell it wasn't like the cheap Crown and Collar 2-in-1 shampoo he always used. Rubbing the sweetly scented gel into his hair, Chris scrubbed his hair thoroughly, before rinsing the suds out completely. He took the shampoo bottle and poured another glob into his hand and repeated the step.
While he was rinsing his hair a second time, he heard Wesker turn off his faucet.
"Are you done Chris?" Wesker asked stepping up next to Chris.
Chris wiped the water from his eyes and saw Captain Wesker and "it" standing right in front of him. The distance between them seemed like an uncomfortable closeness. "It" seemed to be only two inches away from his leg and he was afraid of what "it" may do to him if that monster touched his leg.
"Huh?" Chris asked trying to avert his eyes from Captain Wesker's monolithic manhood.
"Are you done?" Wesker asked again.
"Pardon?" Chris asked not being able to focus on Wesker's question.
"If you're done Chris I would like to have it…!" Wesker said sternly.
Chris's face instantly turned bright red. What on earth was Captain Wesker talking about? Surely he wasn't coming on to him, was he?
"Come again?" Chris balked at the question, because Captain Wesker "coming" really wasn't something he needed a mental image of right now, especially with "it" so very close to him.
"The soap and shampoo Chris." Wesker said sternly. "I would like to have them back if you are finished?"
"Huh…?" Chris sputtered again, but quickly recovered finally comprehending what Wesker was asking him. "Oh! Oh, yes Captain, thanks for letting me use it."
Wesker walked right beside Chris and grabbed his items from the shower nook. Chris couldn't help but stare at Wesker's gargantuan manhood as he quickly passed by. It was so large and pendulous, he could hardly imagine how much larger it must get when he… Quickly shaking the thought from his mind, Chris turned and ducked his head back under the shower nozzle and let the warm water clear his dirty thoughts. When he looked again a short while later, he saw that Captain Wesker had slung his large white towel around his waist and walked back towards the locker room. When he was gone, Chris let out a relieved sigh. Hopefully, he would never have to lay eyes on "it" ever again.
About a twenty minutes later, Chris walked inside the S.T.A.R.S. office to see Forest sitting at his desk listening to music on his Sorny Walkguy. Hearing the office door close Forest looked up at him and noticed how pale and flustered he looked.
"Hey, are you alright man?" Forest asked pulling his headphones off his ears. "You look like you saw a ghost."
"I was just in the locker room with Captain Wesker and we were taking a shower and…"
"Ooh," Forest interrupted. "You must have seen The Blonde Anaconda."
"The what?!" Chris asked.
"Captain Wesker's schlong, right?" Forest said. "We call it The Blonde Anaconda."
"How the hell did you see his schlong?" Chris asked sounding completely baffled.
"Oh it wasn't just me." Forest answered. "It was Captain Marini, Kenneth, and Richard all saw it too."
"Uh…" Chris stumbled. "What were you all doing that caused you to see his wang?"
"It was before the S.T.A.R.S. was formed." Forest said. "Back when we were getting recruited, the S.T.A.R.S. office was down in the basement near where the morgue is. One day we were all down there filling out paperwork, when this vent exploded and all this gross black soot came barfing out all over the place. Since Captain Wesker was sitting closest to the vent, he took the brunt of the soot, but we all got covered in that funky grime. So me, Kenneth, Captain Marini, and Richard all came up to the showers, while Captain Wesker stormed off somewhere; probably to chew someone's ass off about that explosion."
Chris couldn't help but chuckle about that, because it sounded like something Captain Wesker would do.
"After some time passed, Captain Wesker came into the locker room and peeled off all his clothes and stormed off into the shower." Forest said. "Because he was covered from head to toe in that gross soot, when he took his clothes off it was bright white where the grim hadn't gotten on his skin, and that was when Captain Marini saw it. I swear his eyes damn near popped out of his skull, and that's when I noticed it too. So from that moment on, the joke between us is Captain Wesker's codename is The Blonde Anaconda."
"You're not kidding." Chris said. "When I saw that thing I nearly choked."
"Yeah, it is really eye opening when you see it." Forest said nodding. "Some guys have all the luck I swear. Good looks and a huge schlong to boot, I wish I was that lucky. I was just given good looks and awesome guns."
After that statement, Forest gently squeezed his left bicep while Chris just rolled his eyes.
"Say." Chris said walking over to Forest and speaking in a hushed tone. "If you had a package like that would you still chose to be a cop?"
"Hell no!" Forest exclaimed. "With a package like that, I would have gone into porn, not law enforcement. And my porno name would be Dick Hardallday."
"You put a lot of thought into that didn't you?" Chris asked with a scrunched face.
Forest got up from the chair and answered, "You're just jealous that I came up with it first."
From there Forest and Chris walked out of the office and off to enjoy their night of gallivanting.