The Little Things.
When Sasuke had come back from wandering the earth, it had not been hard to tell that something had happened to him. Despite the fact that everyone, including me, had expected a different Sasuke to come back, this was…just different.
The ten days that he spent in the hospital, under my care, he never spoke. He never even did anything, he just sat in the bed, staring straight ahead. Not even when I had to give him shot after shot and vaccination after vaccination, he never did a thing.
He looked as if he was in a catatonic state.
It scared me.
After he was released, he went without hesitation to my apartment. Being that I was still at work, I had no clue that he had done such a thing, and when I got off of work and walked home nearly nine hours later I had found him.
He was just sitting there, back pressed against the wall with no expression on his face.
A porcelain doll outside of my apartment.
He did not even look at me, and it looked like he did not even register my presence at all. I bit my lip and judged on whether or not I should just go inside. Tsunade said that he could be potentially dangerous and that I should not be alone with him.
But I chose my other decision.
I dropped my bag in on the floor and sat down beside him.
I had heard from everyone else that he had murdered both Itachi and Orochimaru, that Sasuke was dangerous and that if I let my guard down, he could—would is what they wanted to say—kill me.
I looked at his face, calm, collected and completely emotionless. It made may heart break into pieces to see his eyes. The looked so completely dead that I almost became that twelve year old girl from the Chuunin exams and screamed and held him while crying for help.
But I just sat there staring at him, biting my lip and waiting for any type of action to be taken by him. We sat there in silence for an hour before I saw his fingers twitch. I smiled sadly, putting my left hand over his right hand and waited for him to do anything.
He never did.
I remember his hands to be so very cold as I grasped them.
I held his hand between my warm hands, I did not know what I was doing, all I was thinking was that I wanted to comfort him in any way. We sat there as I cradled his hand to me.
After some time I rested my head to his shoulder and whispered, "I never forgot you…"
He never moved and part of me broke into pieces at his utter emotionless actions.
His hand twitched, and then, his fingers enclosed and held my hands back. I looked up at his face in reaction, his eyes were glazed over and yet, he never looked at me. I saw one tear, then another, fall from his eyes. Yet as he cried he never changed his expression.
It was like he was bottling his twenty-year-old self up and only letting out so little that it scared me, to think of something that could push him so far as to be like this. I wanted to know so badly what happened to him, who hurt him, why he was so emotionless, why, why, why?
"Sasuke-Kun?" my voice was quiet, but I have no care, I know that with out close proximity he heard me.
I take my left hand and turn his face, in doing so his eyes moved with his head, staring right at me when I turned his head. I gasped so slightly, those black eyes, those eyes that I read so easily, those eyes that haunted my dreams for nearly eight years, those eyes…were scared.
His tears never stopped and I am not sure what happened, but somehow we were in my apartment, both laying on the top of my dark red sheets of my bed.
I was laying on my back and Sasuke was laying on top of my left side, his head resting on my heart and his arms around me so very tightly. With his leg wrapped over my left he held me closely to himself, still crying.
The two of us never said a thing.
And I never had the heart to ask him, because I realize now that I was scared. As he held me to his cold, oh so very cold body I knew that he would never tell me. That night I cried with him and held his body to mine.
He never cared about anything else than having my body close to his, even as he cushioned his head to my breast, he seemed not to care. He held me and would not for anything or anyone let me go. I remember whispering soothing words to stop his endless tears, none of them worked.
The next morning when I had awoken from my few hours of sleep, I was surprised to see that Sasuke was still awake, his eyes staring into space as he still held me, his arms around my waist and his head on my breast.
I sat up, pulling him with me, but he seemed not to care and I yawned. I pulled him so that we were sitting in the middle of my bed and I cradled his body so that we were laying down beside one another. He fought slightly, I guess thinking that I was pushing him away, but I quickly moved him so that I was on top of him.
He stared up at me with such dead eyes, that I fought back my own tears.
His hands were on my hips, mine were on his chest. I pulled him so that he was sitting up with me straddling his lap. I was not so sure what I was doing, but, just anything a word, a touch, anything to tell what happened to this once powerful and fearless man is what I wanted.
I cradled his face in my hands, fingers running of smooth skin and brushing the dark locks of hair. His hands still rested on my hips, and after some time he moved them so that they wove around my lower back. I hesitantly rested a soft kiss to his forehead and let him rest his head right above my heart.
And we sat there, until my phone rang.
I was so comfortable, in his arms. I felt so just…just at peace with him holding me to him. So, when my phone rang I was startled, and my heart rate increased. At first I did not know that it would have an effect on him. I was about to go get my phone when Sasuke did something strange.
He held my body so very, very tightly to his.
He was crushing my body to a point where it became painful. He hid his head in my neck and it only took a few seconds before I knew what he was doing.
He was crying.
And for the first time, he spoke.
It was quiet, soft, kind of what a scared child would sound like. Not deep or loud like I had envisioned Sasuke to always sound like. And at first, I could not actually hear what he was saying to me. But I could feel his lips moving against my neck and the puffs of air.
It took a little bit of force, but I pushed his head slightly back so I could at least his lips. But, after I pushed him back he spoke louder, and what he said to me scared me slightly.
"His…His heart beat fast when…"
And he stopped.
And then he cried.
I held him closer after that. Because, that was all it took for in that small amount of words and that look in his eyes I knew everything. It was like I was watching a movie, I could just see Sasuke fighting with his brother, Sasuke stabbing him, Sasuke delivering the final blow.
Sasuke covered in his brother's blood.
I could never imagine, never in my twenty years of life, what strong a will it would take to kill someone with whom I was so close to. In the back of my mind, I hear my other say to me the Uchiha massacre, that Sasuke had every right to kill Itachi. Yet, as Sasuke held me tighter and cried, I could only say to myself that he never deserved to.
He was just a child. Beneath the Sharingan, the cursed seal, the surname, behind everything that he was known for he was just a lonely child. Lost and alone, I could never understand or begin to know what kind of pain he had endured. And that broke my heart beyond everything else, beyond his betrayal, his attempt to kill Naruto, the fact that he suffered so greatly for no real reason just hurt so badly. I only want now more than anything just to save him, make him smile, hear him laugh. I just want his happiness.
But, here he was in my arms, a broken man with no real past and probably no future. Well, not a happy one. For twelve years he spent his life in pain and agony, now, how could I ever bring happiness to the man of my dreams when he clearly has no dreams of his own?
Surely I know that he only has nightmares, that in his mind there are only dark rooms and screams of loved ones and so much, oh god so very much blood surrounding him. How could I erase his tainted past to give him a pure future. Something to hope for? What could I possibly offer this broken man, that would honestly make him whole once more?
He mumbled my name and held me closer and I pulled him closer, the pain was still there, I still felt like I was being crushed by his masculine arms, yet I still held him. I said nothing, what can I say? What words could I tell him to console his pained soul? Is there any words on this tainted planet that could possibly help him?
Or was it my voice?
Could just the sound of my voice, the touch of my hands holding him, just me being here? Could these little things that I do for him, could they help him? I have to know, I need to what I can do. I love him just so much, he means so much to me that I am literally being torn in two, just knowing that all of these years that I spent living, smiling, being happy he was in pain.
How can I claim to have loved him beyond any other when I had no clue to even an inkling of his pain?
"Sak..sakura…" his voice was so very quiet.
When he pulled just so far away to see my face completely, my tears fell so much faster. His eyes were red and puffy and his pale face that I held in my hands was still so very cold. But his lips, his beautiful lips, oh god, they were trembling. I ran my thumb over his lips, and I felt him press his lips to my warm fingers. I let a tear fall onto his chest and his whole body shook.
My eyes widened in response, and I could not stop the words from leaving my mouth.
"What can I d-do? How can I s-save you?" Since when did my voice get so quiet?
Sasuke looked at me, my thumb was still on his lips, and Sasuke just pressed his lips to my thumb. He kissed the pad of my thumb and closed his eyes. I saw his face relax, and that was when it hit me.
Me.
That was all that it took. A touch. A kiss. A glance.
I was his safety. His sanctuary, the one place that he knew that he was accepted and loved. But I was so hesitant, and I did not know why, why can I not just hold him and tell him that I still love him? Why do I not just kiss him and tell him how I much I care?
Why is it now, when he needs to hear it the most, that I turn mute? I open my mouth, and I just want to say something, anything to make it better. But, when nothing comes out, I can just see the pain in his eyes. I can just feel how badly he needs me to say it, to do something. I can understand, I think. Itachi was his safety, his only friend growing up. When he took all of that away, the pain he must have felt in losing that feeling of such love. If I were in his position, I probably would want, need this attention as well.
But, I just can't. I know that, that I am just scared of getting hurt and I feel so fucking selfish for being scared for my own self when before me is someone so broken, pained, who needs my love.
How can I just sit here and forbid myself from telling I love him?
He looks in my eyes, and they must show something, say something to him that I myself can not vocalize, and he looks so relieved that when he leans his head and presses his forehead to mine, I sigh. Our eyes are closed and I feel so safe, here in his arms, so at peace. But even more, I feel him, his heartbeat, so soft and slow. I lean forward and chastely press my lips to his.
I feel him tense then press to me.
And when he speaks I cry in happiness and pull him closer, mumbling what I had been so scared to say before.
-
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"L-love me?"
--:Our greatest safety, can only be in the arms our greatest love:--
FIN
Well, I had a completely different plan when I started with this about a week ago. So, that is probably why you can tell the difference in some parts of the story pertaining to my moods at the times when I was able to write this peace.
If you honestly don't understand, well, Sasuke killed Itachi and it scarred him beyond what he thought and he took refuge in the warmth of Sakura because she loved him and he felt like a child because he was truly alone in the world. You fill in the blanks, and I made this a happy ending for everyone because my little sister would not stop annoying me into making a 'happy' story.
I do not own Naruto, or any of its characters, kunai, scrolls, squirrels or ramen cups.
