A/N: Hi guys! This is just a OS I had to get out of my head. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: If NCIS was mine there already were little Tiva babies running around.
It was dark outside already, everybody had gone home and only at Tony and Ziva's desk was the light still on. Sudden frustrated screams and dull sounds from the desk in front of him made Tony's head pop up from behind his computer screen where he was reading the latest issue of the Playboy online. Only some hair and his eyes were visible. The only reason he was still there at all at such a ridiculous hour, was Ziva. He wanted to be around her.
Slightly he lifted his left part of his nose up that made him look like a dog smelling meat, as Ziva had pointed out one day. What he saw made him grin a little, obviously his ninja was in a bad mood again. Her face grimaced with wild anger, she was hitting her computer with such force he wouldn't have been surprised if it had fallen apart any second.
"Argh, for heaven's sake work already!" She clenched her fingers and shook them, then sighed deeply.
"Still not accustomed to that operations system Zee-vah?" Tony asked with a raised eyebrow. She shot him an angry glare and he quickly ducked down behind his computer again. "I'm just saying, u know" he babbled from behind the safe shelter "killing the device won't help you a bit"
"I can't kill it Tony," she spit out eying her computer so intensely Tony was suddenly very happy it was the thing in front of her that had made her angry that bad and not him "it's a none living object"
"Oho McGee would definitely disagree with you on that sweet cheeks!"
"Don't call me that" she hissed. "Whoa a little tense today, aren't we?"
"I would not if I had proper technic to work with!" That, Tony seriously doubted. Ziva slammed her fist on the table and jumped off her chair.
"So what are you intending to do now?" he asked sarcastically "Breaking every little piece of it and praying that'll make it better?"
"I'm not interested in your jokes today, Tony. Cut it out!" Her voice even got a high pitch at the end and Tony looked at her a little confused. It was not like her to over react like this.
She ran her fingers through her hair and Tony watched more careful now. Now that he looked closer he noticed how differently she appeared to him suddenly. There were dark circles under her eyes that surely hadn't been there last week and she was thinner. Eyes deep in their sockets and a transparent skin made him furrow his brows. He got up from his chair and went over to her desk were she was still standing staring out of the window.
"Zi? Are you okay?" He asked softly and with a serious expression on his face. Ziva felt exhausted suddenly, but would rather cut her tongue off than admitting that last week had been hell.
Somalia was back.
She couldn't do anything about it, it would suddenly hit her out of nowhere just when she thought she was finally over it. The nightmares would come without warning and without giving her time to prepare herself. She would just wake up screaming and sobbing absolutely positive that she was again back in that camp, in that cell, waiting for Saleem to come for her to cause pain.
Ziva knew sleeping pills were a rather stupid idea but since she had the choice between a blissful sleep or scaring nightmares she chose the less painful option. She had taken them for eight months after Somalia before she was able to sleep through the night on her own again. Last week she'd tried them out but it just didn't work anymore. They were only having half of the wanted effect; it would keep the nightmares away but didn't help her fall asleep one single bit. So she sat numbly through each night on her couch avoiding the memories but also denying her boy the rest it so desperately needed. If Tony knew she was back on the pills he'd most definitely kill her.
"I'm fine" she smiled a small smile but avoided looking at him. He bowed his head a little and watched her play nervously with her hands.
"You know you can talk to me Ziva, right?" Ziva stepped back and he noticed the emotionless mask on her face he got acquainted with two years ago when they'd rescued her from Africa. He knew that mask all too well. She was a master in hiding her emotions, feelings and needs behind it. If she hadn't had a career as an agent already he would strongly recommended the film industry. Ziva had never talked with them about Somalia. Tony assumed that was because she was scared or ashamed, he really didn't know but what he knew was that her face in this moment indicated pain. Somalia-caused pain. He had had to watch her deal with it for over a year, so it was just normal that he recognized it that fast.
"Ziva what is bothering you?" He reached for her hand and when she flinched and stepped back his assumptions got confirmed. She was afraid again.
"Nothing Tony. I'm fine"
"Doesn't look like it" he shot back promptly. Her lips were pressed together and she put her arms around her chest.
"It's none of your business" she blocked him out.
"You are my business. You can't sleep again can you?" A little shocked did she shake her head automatically. She couldn't admit it because that would be a sign of weakness.
Tony got frustrated with her. Why couldn't she just let him help her?! It wasn't like he hadn't seen her pain before, he knew how to help her.
"Don't be so freaking stubborn Ziva! Are you back on the pills? I know you are they are not good for you. You've lost weight. You always lose weight when you're on them! Why?" It had taken him over six months to get her away from them, he would never forget her face when she awoke screaming to a nightmare or crying and begging him to help her.
Quickly he grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her a few times quite violently before letting go as he saw the fear on her face. "I'm sorry Zi- I'm just... worried. Please tell me you're not taking them again"
Her legs suddenly felt like jelly. Tony was right the pills weren't good for her. They caused her headache and as he said did she lose weight with them. But they were the only ones she could buy without having to see the doctor first so she took everything she could get. They also made her feel dizzy and lose her orientation sometimes.
Like now for example her legs felt like they would give up underneath her any second and she had to put one hand on the table to not fall over. What was happening? Great timing she thought to herself sarcastically. Well done Ziva. Tony made a move to reach out for her again but came to his sense the next second and stepped back even, to prevent form scaring her again.
"What can I do... to help you?" The words came slow off his tongue like he wasn't sure what to say and whether to say it at all.
"You can't do anything!" She nearly yelled at him, frustration about the whole situation taking over and tiredly she ran her fingers over her eyes. "No one can. Don't waste your time with me" he flinched at that. Only Ziva was able to hurt him like that. What they had and what to call it was a mystery to him. What would Tony give, to have her one more time in his arms without fear, one more time feeling her soft lips on his, her soft curls on his cheek. What would he give to feel her love again. Too much, he knew that.
The look in her eyes was clear. She wouldn't let him help her and even if it only was to cook her dinner tonight or finish her paper work what he would do without a second thought. He'd build a new continent for her or fly her to the moon if that's what she wanted. He wanted to take her pain on his own shoulders, carry the burden she had to handle since forever, since her childhood had been taken away from her with her mother's death. Before Somalia the innocence had shone through her cold Mossad facade from time to time, had allowed him to see the carefree woman she must've longed to become one day but never had a chance to become. Somalia had taken her spirit.
"Rule number five" he mumbled while locking their eyes. She smiled a sad smile before softly squeezing his hand. "I'm no good anymore. There's nothing to waste" he closed his eyes as she gently cupped his face with her hands and bit her lip to prevent crying.
In rare moments like this when she allowed herself to be emotional, she wanted nothing more than to give into his pleading and say yes to his silent request, to say yes to his love. But she couldn't, she wasn't worth his attention. She didn't deserve it.
"Good night Tony" So Ziva turned her back on him, picked her backpack up and left the bullpen without a look back. She was slowly falling apart but continued denying herself what she needed to be truly happy.
Love was just a four letter word after all, some things are best left unsaid.