Ladies and gentlemen, do not read this. If you are a gentleman you may challenge me to a duel for taking on of the best games of 09 and making turning it into a parody. If however your some guy who likes vulgar humor then welcome. Review or the Assassins will hunt you down. I dont own Assassins Creed in any way and anything offensive here i dont really believe its for comedy.

Chapter 1

"Hello everyone, my name is Desmond Miles, and I am a prisoner of war. A war I got dragged into becouse instead of listening to my parents I ran off and got caught by a company full of moral lacking nuts named Abstergo. Since then I have been put in a device called the Animus and relived the memories of my Assassin ancestor Altiar, couse apparently my family goes back to a Arab in the Crusades. The things iv seen, the things iv DONE....they kick recorded history in the nutsack and make the Da Vinci Code more believable. Well now this is my story....."

Desmond is staring at the writing on the walls, more concerned about if thats blood or jam then what the GLOWING FORESHAOWING means. Just as the hero of the tale was about to taste test the door opens and Lucy appears.

Lucy: Desmond come on!

Desmond: Wait how the hell did you go costume change in the span of minutes?

Lucy: Shut up and get in the damn Animus!

Desmond complies and gets in, after seeing the homicidal shit Altiar did nothing could be worst.

The memory begins with a shit ugly PREGO screaming in birthing with her legs spread wide.

Desmond's eyes fly open and he screams so loud the windows crack.

Desmond: What the fuck Lucy! Shes uglier then you were in the first game!

Lucy slaps Desmond and he reluctantly returns to the memory.

After watching the PREG do an ancient Italian birthing a man barges in.

Giovanni: Maria im sorry I was at the bank and GHAAAAAAAAA!

Giovanni leans outside the door and pukes at the sight, looks up and vomits again before working up the nuts to enter the room.

One of the maids hands Giovanni the baby, who seems kind of dead.

Giovanni: Wake up you little bastard! I didnt just see leave important work to see THAT spread its legs.

After shaking it the baby opens his eyes, sees his mother, and starts crying.

Giovanni: Listen to that! You are Ezio, Ezio Auditore da Firenze! Now someone please cover her up.....

As Lucy removes something from the Animus Desmond is busy puking on the floor.

Lucy: Dont be a bitch lets go.

The two run down the most depressing hallways imaginable where Lucy figuratily rips the dicks off some generic guards. Eventually they reach the garage were more generic no names attack.

Desmond: Im going to be useful.

And Desmond does by bitching Abstergo guards. For his efforts he gets to ride in the trunk as Lucy goes GTA through the streets. After several house of shit roads and a run in with the cops Lucy finally opens the trunk and Desmond jumps out for air.

Lucy: This way. Desmond we need your help. Its been hundreds of years but the Assassins are starting to lose the war, the Templars are just to many.

Desmond: Wait Altiar completely bones the Templars in the Crusades with nothing but some metal weapons and we cant even win with guns and missles?

Lucy: We need you to become the ultimate Assassin.

Desmond: Yea it takes years of grueling soul breaking training that I RAN AWAY from so no...

Lucy: Not with the Animus, not with the Bleeding Effect.

Desmond: The same thing that made the guy before me BLEED HIMSELF ALL OVER THE ROOM?

Lucy: Yep

Desmond: Sure why not at the best ill get to kill Vidic. But if I start writing 2012 shit on the walls shoot me.

Lucy hugs Desmond, who silently fist pumps in victory. After this fan service is over they met their new allies, Rebecca and Shaun.

Rebecca: Whats up want a threesome?

Desmond: What?

Rebecca: Whats up?

Desmond walks over the Shaun for a friendly hello

Shaun: Biiiiiitcch

Desmond: Huh?

Shaun: Go fuck your mother

Lucy: Oh thats Shaun he's the asshole of this team

Shaun: Great job getting out of Abstergo Desmond did Vidic finally assrape you like you wanted?

Rebecca: Shaun behave!

While Rebecca sprays Shaun with water Desmond gets ready to enter the Animus

Desmond: At least this wont fuck my back up

Rebecca: Now lets stab your finger!

Desmond: Wait what OW!

Shaun: Please thats the most female contact your gonna get...

STAY TUNED