Author's Note: This fic was written for two reasons- The first is to celebrate the 15th anniversary of The Lion King II: Simba's Pride's original release on October 27, 1998. The second reason is because of something I want to get off my chest: I wanted to provide a parody of this film that does not outright insult it.
To begin with, I think it is sickening and appalling how Simba's Pride and its characters are treated among this fan base, and it deserves far greater respect than it has now. Nearly every parody I've ever seen or read about it (Without naming any in particular) just continually roasts it in every way imaginable, ranging from disliking elements of the story and the animation, to just unleashing hate for Kiara (Seriously, why?), this sort of thing is just too rampant for my tastes. It's probably because I personally love it so much, but whenever someone criticizes The Lion King II, it just deeply pains me and puts me in a bad mood.
So here, I wished to set an example by making a humorous parody that does not do anything I mentioned before, but one that just has fun with the source material, and does not insult or roast the film itself. In fact, here I do the opposite. I believe that The Lion King II: Simba's Pride is an exquisitely made film in its own right, and it does manage to match up to the original in just about every way. It makes me sick to my stomach to see how Kiara is treated in particular, and I just wish the film in general was held in higher regard. To describe it as underrated would be an understatement. Although, in the words of Morpheus: Not all believe as I do, but my beliefs do not require them to.
Also, I do not own the rights to this film. the Lion King II belongs to Walt Disney, and this is strictly for fun. So without further ado, Enjoy!
The Lion King II: Simba's Pride Parody
The sun rises. Animals gather at Pride Rock early in the morning. Simba and Nala walk out to the edge of Pride Rock.
SIMBA
Okay, who wants to see my only infant cub get held over the edge of this giant cliff?
The animals cheer.
SIMBA
Alright, you know what to do, crazy monkey!
Rafiki appears, carrying an infant cub, Kiara. He holds her up into the air.
KIARA (In her thoughts)
Oh yeah, this is real safe. No way this setup can go wrong at all... holy crap, what's he doing up there?!
She sees Mufasa's spirit in the sky.
MUFASA
Just be lucky you ain't up here, princess.
Rafiki puts Kiara down. Simba and Nala nuzzle her while Timon and Pumbaa watch nearby.
TIMON
Hey, you know? It's kind of weird how all of the animals come all this way in the morning just to see their most feared predator get hung off of a cliff.
PUMBAA
It's not like they've got anything better to do, Timon.
TIMON
Oh, I can think of a few things they'd rather be doing...
He jumps off of Pumbaa's back.
TIMON
Whatever. Come on, little guy, it's never too early to learn how to play Grand Theft Auto.
RAFIKI
Actually, dis is a girl.
TIMON
Whatever, I'll take what I can get.
RAFIKI
And I uh, kind of gave your XBox de red ring of death yesterday.
TIMON
So what? I'll-
TIMON AND PUMBAA (Together)
WHAT?!
They pass out. Scene fades out. Scene fades to Pride Rock a while later, where Kiara is a bit older. She runs out of the cave but is stopped by Simba.
SIMBA
Whoa, where do you think you're going?
KIARA (Sarcastically)
I'm going to simply walk into Mordor, where does it look like, dad?
SIMBA
Geeze, looks like someone's been hanging with Timon and Pumbaa lately.
SIMBA (In his thoughts)
I knew I shouldn't've let them get another XBox.
SIMBA (Continued)
Just don't get hurt out there, Kiara, it's gonna make me look really bad if you do.
KIARA
Sure, dad.
Kiara runs off.
SIMBA (Calling to her)
And if you find Disney's frozen head, bring it straight back here so we can sell it on the internet!
NALA (To Simba)
Hey Simba... she's gonna be gone for a while.
SIMBA (Confused)
What?... so?
NALA (Seductively)
So... that means we'll be alone for a while.
SIMBA
I still don't see what-
Nala pins him to the ground.
SIMBA
Oh, okay now I see what you're drivin' at.
Scene cuts back to Kiara. She walks out through the Pride Lands and into the Outland borders. She knocks into Kovu. They get up, and Kovu looks pissed.
KOVU
Hey, watch where you're going, lady!
KIARA
Why don't you watch where you're going! What're you even doing?
KOVU
Simple! I'm... uh... doesn't matter! What're you doing here?
KIARA
Just looking around, I guess.
KOVU
You from Pride Rock?
KIARA (Suspicious, suspecting something)
Yeah... why?
KOVU (Setting up something, holding back laughter)
What's it like there?
KIARA
Well... it's pretty big.
KOVU (Bursting out with laughter)
T-that's what she said!
Kovu begins laughing like crazy. Kiara groans and sighs as he rolls around on the ground. Goes on for a minute.
KOVU
Okay, okay seriously, I'm good now, you're cool.
KIARA
Guess I set myself up for that one...
KOVU
Anyway, my name's Kovu.
KIARA
I'm Kiara... your pretty cute.
KOVU
Thanks.
KOVU (In his thoughts)
Yes! She thinks I'm cute! Virginity, SO gone!
Suddenly, Simba and the other Pride Landers run in and Simba roars, looking really pissed. Zira then runs in and does the same. She has a high pitched chipmunk voice.
SIMBA
Zira...
ZIRA
Simba...
SIMBA
Do you have ANY idea how close I was to finishing with Nala? Seriously, you DO NOT do this when I'm that close!
ZIRA
Like I give a crap, Simba. Simba, meet Kovu. He is Scar's heir, and HE will be king!
TIMON
Didn't we go through this already?
ZIRA
You don't have any idea how much I'd gladly have you within my bloody paws' grasp, Simba...
There is a long, awkward pause.
SIMBA
Are... are you coming on to me?
ZIRA
I WILL F-CKING MURDER YOU!
Zira roars angrily. Simba picks up Kiara, and Zira picks up Kovu.
ZIRA
Fine, I'm outta here. And Simba... go finish with Nala. It could be the last time you do so...
KIARA
Daddy, what does she mean by that?
SIMBA
Kiara, we need to have a talk...
Simba and Kiara go back to the Pride Lands. Zira and Kovu head back into the Outlands. Zira sees Nuka playing Call of Duty 4 on his Playstation, and Vitani is screaming and scratching at him for a turn. Zira groans.
ZIRA (Mumbling under her breath)
I knew I should've gotten rid of that thing when Scar told me to.
She puts Kovu down. Kovu looks scared.
KOVU
Uh mother, before you say anything, I definitely wasn't thinking about losing my virginity back there. Totally not...
ZIRA (Exploding)
I should kill you now you little prick!
KOVU
Harsh, aren't we?
ZIRA
Who has made us outsiders?!
KOVU
Simba...
ZIRA
Who killed Scar?!
KOVU
The hyenas?
ZIRA (Exploding again)
Bullsh-t! Simba killed him!
KOVU (Mumbling)
God, you have NOT seen the first movie lately, have you?
ZIRA
WHAT?
KOVU
Uh, nothing!
ZIRA
That's what I thought. Now, let's... wait... I've got it!
KOVU
Oh God...
Zira grabs Kovu by the tail.
ZIRA
I know exactly what to do now!
KOVU
Could you let go of my tail? It's, uh, kind of creepy.
She picks Kovu back up and heads for the termite mound, their home. She stops and looks over at Nuka.
ZIRA
Nuka! For God sakes, get off that thing now! Look at you, Vitani's already ripped you up trying to get it from you!
Nuka is on his side, lying down, twitching, barely holding his PS3 controller, covered in scratch marks. Vitani is foaming at the mouth towards him, looking downright insane.
NUKA (weakly)
You... don't have to... tell me twice...
Zira rolls her eyes and goes inside the termite mound. She drops Kovu on a dead tree stump and other Outlander lionesses surround him.
ZIRA
Go to sleep, Kovu. Tomorrow, your abu- I mean training intensifies...
KOVU (To himself)
Well, it was nice knowing ya, normal childhood.
Zira starts to sing the "My Lullaby" song much louder that normal. She still has the chipmunk voice.
ZIRA
The sound of Simba's dying gasp! His daughter squealing in my-!
KOVU (Exploding)
SHUT THE F-CK UP WOMAN, you JUST told me to go to sleep here!
Scene changes to Rafiki in his tree. He is drawing Kiara and Kovu on it. All around them are drawings of rage comics.
RAFIKI
My God, it is sad dat I still draw dis crap. I've gotta get to art school or something. What do you tink, Mufasa?
The wind blows, flowing stuff through the air.
RAFIKI
Okay Mufasa, yes! I get it! I must learn to draw my bullsh-t better, I just said dat! You do not need to insult me about it.
The wind causes a fruit to break open. Rafiki looks at the two halfs and connects them in front of his very badly done drawings of Kiara and Kovu.
RAFIKI
What? You cannot be serious, Mufasa! Dey will never screw, it just won't happen!
The wind blows much harder. Rafiki ignores it until he hears Mufasa's angry voice.
MUFASA
Oh for crying out loud, just get your lazy ass up and get them to get theirs together! It's not hard!... yet...
Mufasa snickers at that last part. Rafiki sighs.
RAFIKI
Alright, alright, fine! I'll get them to fu-I mean get together. But remember, Mufasa- you are gonna owe me a LOT of XBox Live points after dis!
MUFASA (Sarcastically)
Oh, sure, sure... (To himself) never gonna happen, crazy monkey.
Scene changes to Zira and Kovu years later. Kovu is fully grown now, and Zira is admiring him.
ZIRA
Nice... very nice...
KOVU
Okay seriously, if you say that to me again like that, I'm calling Child Services.
ZIRA
You're not a child anymore, retard.
KOVU (To himself)
God dammit...
ZIRA
Anyway... give me exposition!
KOVU
I'm gonna trick them into thinking I left you guys, that I'm good, and when they least expect it... I'll take every single one of their Pokemon cards.
ZIRA
Yes, and what else?
KOVU
Then I'll kill them all.
Zira and the other Outlanders roar ferociously. Suddenly as the scene pans upward, one of them burps obnoxiously loud.
KOVU
Oh come on!
RANDOM LIONESS
Sorry, kind of went overboard on the Mountain Dew this morning.
KOVU
Oh, we have that?
ZIRA
Just f-ck it!
Scene changes to Kiara leaving Pride Rock for her first hunt. Simba and Nala are waiting for her.
KIARA
Remember dad, don't pull that same crap you did last time.
SIMBA
Kiara, I still think that lioness was coming onto you that time. There's no way anyone would put their-
Nala clears her throat, silencing Simba. Kiara sighs.
KIARA
Just don't have anyone follow me again, okay?
SIMBA
Fine.
Kiara leaves for the grasslands. Simba leans in to Timon and Pumbaa
SIMBA
Make sure she keeps her virginity.
TIMON
From who?
SIMBA
After that talk we had, she's wanted Kovu really, really badly...
TIMON AND PUMBAA (together, awkwardly)
Oohhhh...
Scene changes to Kiara on her hunt. She sneaks up on a pack of antelope when she accidentally flips over a rock, setting off a Justin Bieber song out of nowhere. The animals run away in fear. Timon and Pumbaa are in their way and duck as they run over them.
TIMON
Oh I swear to God, this isn't funny Mufasa!
They look over and see Kiara. She looks pissed.
TIMON AND PUMBAA (together)
OH SH-T!
KIARA
Timon, why was that last shot so close to my ass?
TIMON
How should I know, I ain't the director here!
KIARA
And why are you out here?
TIMON
I uh, we, were... on... on our way to get Grand Theft Auto V! Yeah, that's it!
KIARA (excited)
Really?
She suddenly runs off.
KIARA (continued)
I'll go get it for you, I've heard that game kicks ass!
Timon and Pumbaa start to go after her.
TIMON
No, no wait! Simba's gonna kick my ass if he hears I let you get that!
They lose her.
TIMON
Oh I am so f-cked.
Scene changes to Vitani and Nuka in Scar's old cave, carrying sticks in their mouths.
NUKA
Oh yeah, great friggin' way to introduce us, writer.
VITANI
Oh shut up.
NUKA
I don't care, okay?
They jump off and surround small fire pits.
NUKA (continued)
I just don't know why we need to be here. If we're so SPECIAL, why does this story need us all of a sudden?
VITANI (Catching her stick on fire)
Because the plot can't move until we do, now let's go!
NUKA
Just saying...
VITANI (extremely annoyed)
Oh my GOD, Nuka!
Scene changes back to Kiara at the hunt. She sneaks up on some zebras until they run away.
KIARA
Oh come on! I didn't even-!
She sees the huge fire in the grass ahead of her.
KIARA
Holy crap, CG fire, run!
She runs away from the fire, but it spreads to her. Scene cuts to Pride Rock. Zazu is with Simba
ZAZU
Relax, Simba, it's just a teenage lioness out on her own for the first time since her childhood, what could possibly go wrong?
Simba sees the fire
SIMBA
Oh sh-t!
ZAZU
I am so fired aren't I?
SIMBA
I'd be an idiot not to, Zazu.
Simba and a bunch of other lionesses run off. Scene cuts back to Kiara. She leaps onto a huge rock away from the flames. She passes out and Kovu appears.
KOVU (In Darth Vader voice)
The Force is with you, Kiara... but you are not a Jedi yet.
KIARA (weakly)
So... f-cking... lame...
Kovu picks her up and runs through the fire.
KOVU (To himself)
Wow, I barely know who you are and already I'm at second base. Hell of a lucky day.
They fall into a river and Kovu drags her out of it. She wakes up.
KIARA
Where- where am I?
KOVU (sarcastically)
Oh, you're in Woodsboro, where do you think you are?
KIARA
The Pride Lands?
KOVU
Now you're thinking.
KIARA
Look, why'd you bring me back here? I had everything under contr- holy crap you're hot... Kovu?
Suddenly Simba and the others appear. Simba looks pissed.
KIARA
Father, thank God you're here! There was a fire, and-
SIMBA
I don't give a f-ck about that! I'm here to get you away from him!
RANDOM VOICE IN BACKGROUND
Yeah, real king-like of you, douchebag!
Rafiki appears.
RAFIKI
Simba, you do know dat Kovu saved her, right?
SIMBA
You saved her? Why?
KOVU
Why did I save her? Look at her! I can't let a sweet piece of ass like that just burn to death!
SIMBA
What?
KOVU
I-I mean, uh, I was just in the right place in the right time.
Simba gives him a suspicious look.
NALA
You do kind of owe him now, Simba.
SIMBA
Alright, you've got one shot at this, kid. But until I say, keep it at first base with her.
KOVU (In his thoughts, sarcastic)
Yeah, that'll happen.
They all go back to Pride Rock.
SIMBA (Muttering to himself)
God, I can't believe I have to do the Inspector Gadget movie after this. Really, I go from Lion King to Inspector Gadget? I'm even stupider than Ed ever was, and he couldn't even freaking talk!
Kovu tries to go inside Pride Rock, but Simba stops him.
SIMBA
You're not getting to her that easily.
Kovu goes to lie down beside a rock. Kiara comes up to him.
KIARA
Hey, uh, thanks for saving me back there.
KOVU
What the hell was that back there? Was that supposed to be hunting?
KIARA
No, I was on my way to get Grand Theft Auto V until the fire happened.
KOVU
GTA V? Bitch, you wouldn't last three minutes on your own in that.
KIARA
Oh, and I suppose you could teach me?
KOVU
Yeah, right.
KIARA
Alright, impress me. I've got Timon and Pumbaa's XBox...
TIMON (From inside the cave)
I resent that!
KIARA (Continued)
...Show me at dawn.
KOVU (Humorously)
I look forward to it.
Scene cuts down to Zira and Nuka sitting side by side, looking up at Pride Rock.
NUKA
W-w- did you see that? He didn't even try to get to second base! If that were me, I'd-
ZIRA
Shut up! He's in, that's all that matters. Soon, he'll be able to make his move, steal their Pokemon cards, and kill them all. Wait a second... I know that tree behind you.
NUKA
Uh mother, are... are you okay?
ZIRA
I hate that tree behind you! That tree needs to die! NOW!
Nuka ducks as she slashes the dead tree behind him. Scene cuts to Simba dreaming of something. He is twitching in his sleep, and he wakes up abruptly.
SIMBA
No! I will never sleep with you Vitani, no matter how hot you are!
He looks around for a moment, catching his breath and sighs in relief.
SIMBA
Thank God nobody heard me say that.
Nala opens one of her eyes as Simba goes back to sleep.
NALA
You are so dead, Simba...
Scene changes to the next day. Kovu and Kiara are in a field. Kiara leaps over Kovu, and she hits the ground. Kovu looks at her.
KOVU
Yeah, this hunting thing's gonna need some work.
KIARA
Why are we out here again? I thought you said you'd show me how to play GTA V?
KOVU (seductively)
Oh don't worry, we're getting to that. Besides, I saw Timon just discovered Portal, he won't get off that thing to save his life now.
KIARA
True.
Kiara gets up and starts clawing the ground. Kovu does the same. They both have nervous looks on their faces.
KIARA (In her thoughts)
Oh my God, I don't know how much longer I can listen to that voice and not have him doing me!
KOVU (In his thoughts)
Man, she is so hot. Must... resist... urges...
They see some birds fly overhead.
KOVU
Alright, you want to see me go murder some innocent birds or what?
KIARA (In her thoughts)
How the f-ck is this guy single?!
Kovu leaps over a hill to attack the birds, but lands right in front of Timon.
TIMON (Frantically)
Ahhhhhh! This is it, goodbye cruel world! My only regret is that I never told Pumbaa I loved him! Oh the irony, oh, the-!
Timon stops as he realizes he's not dead. He looks up at Kovu timidly.
TIMON
Uh... I just said that out loud, didn't I?
Kiara comes in.
KIARA
Timon, I really could've happily lived the rest of my life without hearing that.
KOVU
I second that.
There is an awkward pause.
TIMON
We never speak of this again. Understood?
Kiara and Kovu exchange glances.
KOVU (Whispering into Kiara's ear)
Now I know what to put on my Facebook later on.
TIMON
I'll... take that as a yes.
He gets back up.
TIMON
Anyway, you guys wanna go piss off some rhinos? They're saying that they can kill anything, and I'm willing to call bullsh-t on that!
KOVU
Sure.
KIARA
Haven't got anything better to do.
KIARA (Continued, in her thoughts)
Except Kovu...
Timon looks at Pumbaa. He's covered in birds. Timon looks indifferent at him.
TIMON
Pumbaa?
PUMBAA
Yeah?
TIMON
I'm goona ask you a really, really simple and down to earth question here. Let's see, how can I put this so you can understand? Let's see, umm... oh yeah... *tisk* what the hell are you doing with those birds?
PUMBAA
They won't leave me alone.
TIMON
Figures.
KIARA
Here, I got it.
She roars loudly, scaring away the birds.
TIMON
Yeah, that's it! Go on, get out of here ya' little bastards!
They all start to run towards the rhinos. Kiara and Kovu run side by side.
KOVU
I just want you to know that your roar hugely turns me on.
KIARA
You don't know how much I wanted to hear you say that...
They all run to the rhinos around a corner. Suddenly, shotgun shots are heard. The four of them frantically run back.
TIMON (Scared)
Dammit! They've got shotguns, they've got shotguns! Fall back, bail, this was all Pumbaa's idea!
KOVU
This was your idea, Timon!
TIMON
Piss off, ya horny lion!
KOVU
What?
TIMON
Nothing.
They run into a tiny cave, and the rhinos stampede past them, still firing their shotguns everywhere, looking pissed. As Timon and Pumbaa get out of the cave, Kiara and Kovu accidentally kiss.
KOVU
Holy crap...
KIARA
I f-cking want you now...
They go out of the cave. Scene changes to later that night in a field of grass. Kovu and Kiara are looking up to the stars.
KIARA
And he actually did it?
KOVU
Yep, the poor sucker. Had wasp stings on his ass for months.
KIARA
Man, I would really hate to be your brother.
KOVU
Yeah.
Brief pause
KIARA
Hey look up there!
She points to a star formation.
KIARA
That looks like the two of us!
KOVU
Yeah, and they're... are they?... Are we?...
KIARA (Blushing)
Oh my God... Best. Constellation. Ever.
She turns to Kovu.
KIARA
Hey Kovu, real quick, who was yor real dad?
KOVU
Why?
KIARA
So fanboys don't have 20 pages worth of comments on the internet arguing whether or not we're related. Because there's no way in hell you can turn me on again with that crap going on in my mind.
KOVU
Well... he wasn't Scar, I know that much. He was-
KIARA
Good enough for me.
Kiara nuzzles him passionately. Simba sees this from a distance.
SIMBA (To himself)
Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it!
He looks up to the sky
SIMBA
Dad, please don't let them do it! Even if this was your idea, which I know it totally wasn't, please don't let them go all the way!... Man, I really am lonely if I'm talking to stars.
Nala appears behind him.
NALA
Simba?
SIMBA
I was not just talking to stars! I'm not crazy, I have a life! I don't play Skyrim, I'm not insane! Please believe me, I'm not crazy!
NALA (Uneasy)
Rrriiight... listen, about Kovu,
SIMBA
Nala, I know what you're going to say. And you're right, I'll try to get to know Kovu tomorrow. Because look at them, if they don't start doing it right then and there, he must have some restraint.
There is a long, awkward pause. Nala looks extremely uncomfortable.
NALA
Actually, I was going to say your stash of Pokemon cards is kind of missing. It might've been him.
SIMBA
What?! How'd he-?
NALA
Simba, you literally had three hundred cards piled in the back of the cave. He'd be an idiot not to see them.
SIMBA
God dammit... JUST when I was gonna get that one lioness to trade MewTwo! Really, now of all times?
Scene cuts back to Pride Rock. Kiara and Kovu are there.
KOVU (Whispering)
You. Me. Out in the field. Tomorrow.
KIARA
I'm ready for it...
Kiara goes inside the cave, giving Kovu a seductive look. Simba comes up to Kovu.
SIMBA
Kovu, you and I have to talk. Do you, by any chance, have an interest in Pokemon?...
Simba and Kovu walk into the cave of Pride Rock. Vitani is watching from down below, panting happily.
VITANI
Yeah Kovu, f-ck him!... what are you waiting for Kovu, f-ck him!... God dammit!
She runs off to Zira. Zira looks pissed.
ZIRA
You seriously wanted them to f-ck right then and there?!
VITANI
Well, I am a lioness. If guys can get off on two lionesses doing it, then well...
ZIRA (To herself)
Now I know where all that disgusting fan art comes from.
VITANI
What?
ZIRA
Nothing.
Scene changes to the next morning. Kovu walks out to Pride Rock's edge.
KOVU (To himself)
What the hell was he talking about? I hate Pokemon! (Sighs) Whatever, I've got better things to do... more like hotter things... or lionesses... God I'm still talking to myself? I really do need to get laid.
He walks back into Pride Rock and moves towards Kiara, but Simba stops him.
SIMBA
Kovu, I've got something I want to show you.
KOVU
I swear, if it's on the internet, I know about it already... the f-cking perverts.
SIMBA
Look who's talking.
KOVU
I heard that.
SIMBA
Anyway, it's not that. Just follow me.
They walk away and start down Pride Rock. Kiara looks at them.
KIARA (In her thoughts)
I feel your pain, Kovu... I feel your pain.
Simba and Kovu are walking around the site of the previous fire, with burned trees everywhere.
SIMBA
And that's why they didn't use the eagles to fly to Mordor, Kovu.
KOVU
I've... never heard the story of Lord of the Rings like that before... the fanboys really are wrong.
SIMBA
Yeah. Anyway, are you absolutely sure you didn't take my Pokemon cards?
KOVU
We've been through this already, Simba. I don't even like Pokemon. Personally, I'm more of a Digimon kind of guy.
SIMBA (In his thoughts)
He still likes Digimon? Loser.
Simba pulls a growing plant out of the dirt.
SIMBA
Huh, well look at that. Guess my father wasn't kidding when he said we turn to grass when we die.
Suddenly, Zira and the Outlanders appear and surround them.
KOVU
Oh I am so screwed.
ZIRA
Hello there, Simba. Remember me? I'm still in this story. Yeah, thought the writers just forgot about me, didn't you? This may be a direct to video sequel, Simba, but it's the only one where crap like that doesn't happen! Just like that... other direct to video sequel you never signed on for.
SIMBA
You swore you'd never speak of that again! Inspector Gadget was bad enough, no way in hell I was going to go any lower than that!
ZIRA
Whatever, Gadget. Anyway, nice going in stealing his Pokemon card stash, Kovu. Just like we always planned.
SIMBA
You!
KOVU
No! I already told you, I hate Pokemon!
ZIRA
Get him! Now!
The Outlanders attack Simba. He fights, but is thrown off a cliff.
SIMBA (frantically)
Ah! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck!
He lands hard at the bottom of a gorge, but gets up. The Outlanders chase him.
SIMBA
Crap, I knew I should've stayed away from gorges like this after the stampede! Now I really am dumber than Ed!
Simba gets to a huge dam of logs holding back a river. he starts to climb it to escape.
ZIRA
For God sakes, someone just kill him already, I've got sh-t to do here!
NUKA (Climbing up the dam)
I'll do it!
ZIRA
What the f-ck do you think you're doing you crack addict?!
NUKA (Sarcastically)
Oh, I'm gonna go help him escape, what does it look like I'm trying to do mother?!
He climbs up and reaches for Simba.
NUKA
If killing him doesn't make the other lionesses want me, nothing will!
Suddenly the tree he's holding on to collapses and falls back.
NUKA
Oh what the f-ck, gravity?!
A huge log lands on top of him, crushing his body. Zira comes up to him.
ZIRA (ALMOST sadly)
Nuka you retard! I know that wasn't sugar you were sniffing this morning!
NUKA (weakly)
Well... what do you expect? I'm voiced by Andy Dick.
ZIRA
True.
NUKA (weakly)
Rosebud.
Nuka dies.
ZIRA
Well... sh-t.
Back with Simba, he is struggling to move. Kiara sees him and runs up to him.
KIARA
Oh crap. Dad? Dad! Oh my God, you did the Twilight drinking game, didn't you? What were you thinking, that's been known to kill people!
SIMBA
Kiara... your boyfriend took my Pokemon cards.
Timon and Pumbaa appear.
TIMON
Aw, really? Come on, those were my cards too!
SIMBA (weakly)
B-bullsh-t, Timon...
He collapses. They look worried for him.
KIARA
No...
They carry him to Pride Rock. Timon holds the end of his tail.
PUMBAA
Uh yeah, some help you are, Timon.
TIMON
Pumbaa, what did I say about criticizing my laziness?
Scene cuts back to Zira and the Outlanders. Zira is pissed.
ZIRA
Great, just great! Now who's gonna be the comic relief for our side?
She runs over to Kovu and slashes his face, giving him a Scar over his eye.
ZIRA
Oh my God... you suddenly became attractive.
KOVU
Oh what the f-ck was that for?
ZIRA
Because you killed the only source of comic relief we had besides Timon and Pumbaa! Not to mention... that makes you kind of hot now.
KOVU (Uncomfortable)
Uh... okay, now THAT's messed up, mother. And frankly, I'm tired of being your b-tch day in and day out! I am outta here!
ZIRA
You can't abandon me, you are my b-tch!
KOVU
Really? Cause last I checked, I'm looking at one!
The other Outlanders do the Regular Show "Oooohhhh!" in unison.
ZIRA
So where' you gonna go, Kovu? Back to them? The ones who killed Scar just so you can screw your girlfriend 24/7? Or maybe you'll run off and hang out with cartoon characters while they tell you not to do crack!
KOVU (Enraged)
That... special... NEVER... HAPPENED!
He runs off. Zira jumps onto a rock.
ZIRA
Listen up now! Okay, clearly this isn't working. We'll just have to do this the old fashioned way- we'll kill them all by force, set the birds loose, wait for one to rip my ear off and-
RANDOM LIONESS
Wrong movie, Zira!
ZIRA
As if I give a f-ck! We attack tonight!
All of them roar in absolute bliss. Scene cuts back to Pride Rock. Simba is injured.
KIARA
But he said it himself! He doesn't even like Pokemon!
Suddenly Kovu appears a the base of Pride Rock. Simba gets up and starts to walk out to the edge.
SIMBA
Oh look, I'm better suddenly. Looks like the pain killers really worked.
He looks down to Kovu
SIMBA
Where the f-ck are my Pokemon cards?!
KOVU
Simba, I never took-
SIMBA
Bullsh-t!
KIARA
Father, don't do anything to him! He and I were supposed to-
SIMBA
Shut up! Kovu, you're officially out of here! And if I ever see you again, virgin or not, I'll make you watch every Twilight movie from start to finish!
KIARA
No!
Kovu reluctantly runs off. Kiara is distressed.
KIARA
Dad, this isn't fair!
SIMBA
Ah relax, you're just having your period.
KIARA
What? No I'm not! I just finished the last one a week ago!
SIMBA
Yeah, you'll be over him in a week I bet. Hakuna Matata, you know?
KIARA
Yeah, Hakuna Matata motherf-cker!
Simba looks shocked as Kiara runs back into Pride Rock's cave.
RANDOM LIONESS
Shouldn't someone go and check on her or something?
SIMBA
Nah, I'm sure she'll be fine. Besides, she's got ways of entertaining herself...
Awkward pause.
RANDOM LIONESS
Okay, now THAT's just f-cked up right there, Simba.
Inside Price Rock, Kiara pushes back some rocks and breaks a hole in the back. She crawls through it.
KIARA
Kick ass.
She runs off past Pride Rock and into a grass field. Night is beginning to fall.
KIARA
Kovu? Kovu come on! Simba doesn't know I'm here, we can finally do it!
She looks down to a pond and sees half her reflection is missing.
KIARA
What the hell? They forgot to animate half my reflection! Lazy asses...
She walks through the grass and eventually through the site of the fire. There, she finds Kovu. The two meet up closely.
KOVU
Kiara!
KIARA
Oh, I am so ready for him.
They run up to each other and go near a pond. They lay down atop one another suggestively.
KOVU
You ready?
KIARA (Blushing)
Hell yeah.
Before anything can happen, they look into the water.
KOVU
Hey, look.
They see their reflections connected closely, forming the missing half of hers.
KIARA
Oh, so that's why they didn't animate half my reflections.
Kovu jumps up excitedly.
KOVU
Well what're we waiting for? Let's do this!
Kiara comes up to him.
KIARA
Kovu... we have to go back.
KOVU
What?! You're kidding. Please tell me you're kidding. Do you have any clue how turned on I am right now? Do you have a clue how ready I was for this?
Kiara looks downwards.
KIARA
Uh, yeah I've got an idea all right. But we need to stop anything else from happening, Kovu; so we can make peace with Simba. And besides, it's in the script, so you really don't have a choice.
KOVU (In his thoughts)
F-ck, I knew I should've signed onto American Pie instead of this. Getting laid in a Disney movie, what the hell was I thinking?
Scene changes to Pride Rock. It is raining outside, and Simba comes in. Timon and Pumbaa are fighting.
SIMBA
Okay, what're you two getting into a bitch-fest about this time?
TIMON
Pumbaa's trying to tell me that Greedo's the one who shot first!
PUMBAA
Well it's true!
TIMON
Bullsh-t, you crazy warthog! Han Shot First! Say it, say it!
SIMBA
So where's Kiara?
There is a long, awkward pause while Timon and Pumbaa end their argument.
TIMON
Oh f-ck.
SIMBA
She's gone, isn't she?
PUMBAA
Yeah, I wouldn't expect her to be a virgin when she gets back.
SIMBA (Moderately annoyed)
Why did I see this coming?
Suddenly, Zazu flies in.
SIMBA
Hey, didn't I fire you?
ZAZU
Simba! I just got urgent news! They really ARE doing a Transformers 4! They're really going through with it, dear God! Oh, and a bunch of lionesses are coming to kill you.
Simba sighs.
SIMBA
Oh to hell with this, find Kiara. I'll deal with this bullcrap myself.
He starts to run out of the cave.
SIMBA
Oh, and if they're in the middle of anything, do NOT be afraid to get them to stop! And by the way guys, Han did shoot first!
There is an awkward silence between Timon and Pumbaa.
TIMON
I-
PUMBAA (holding up his hoof)
Don't... just don't.
There is another pause.
PUMBAA
Do ya... do ya think we should go help him or something?
TIMON (Casually)
Nah, Simba's screwed, we're all gonna die.
He stretches himself out and yawns.
TIMON (Casually)
Well, guess I'm just gonna go up to the top of this place, pop a couple beers and watch the world burn.
PUMBAA (Unimpressed)
Seriously?
TIMON (Popping open a beer)
Hakuna Matata, Pumbaa.
Scene changes to the two prides- the Pride Landers and the Outlanders facing each other in the rain, ready to fight.
ZIRA
Who do I have to f-ck to tell you that I've had enough of this crap, Simba?
A random lioness starts to raise her paw, but quickly puts it down after Zira growls at her.
SIMBA
I'm no pu-ie, Zira. You gonna fight or what?
ZIRA
Yes, but first we're gonna need some good epic music for this part!
SIMBA
Yeah, good point.
ZIRA
Editor, what've you got?
"The End of All Things" from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King begins to play. But Zira quickly stops it.
ZIRA
No no no! We're not at a freaking volcano here, do something else!
The Saw theme starts to play. This time Simba stops it.
SIMBA
Oh come on, that's not even battle music!
The song "Never Gonna Give You Up" starts playing. Everyone there begins screaming in agony and cover their ears tightly.
ZIRA
Ah, no! No! Anything but that! Even I wouldn't go this far!
Then the Mortal Kombat theme starts to play. Zira smiles evilly now.
ZIRA
Yeah! Now we're talking, now sh-t just got real! Attack!
The two prides attack one another furiously. The MK theme still plays while they fight. This goes on for a minute. Zira goes up to Simba.
ZIRA
Yiou're dead, Simba! Even more dead than when you said "That's a lot of fish"!
SIMBA
Oh, that's it! Now you're f-cked!
They're about to strike one another, but suddenly Kiara and Kovu jump in between them. The Mortal Kombat music stops.
SIMBA
Kiara?
ZIRA
Kovu!
SIMBA
I told you to stay out of this!
KIARA
No you didn't, you just told me I'm having my period, which I'm not!
SIMBA
Ah, yeah, about that...
ZIRA
Kovu, get out of my way! I must end this horrid excuse for a sequel!
KOVU
Don't you dare insult this movie, Zira! This has a soul compared to others. Hell, even on its own!
ZIRA
Bullsh-t!
SIMBA
Kiara, you know this is just going straight to video.
KIARA
Why should you give a f-ck about that? This has actual effort put into it, dad.
SIMBA
But... they-
KIARA
Theatrical? Direct to video? Who cares as long as the movie is good? Look at the first movie and this one... what differences in animation do you see?
Slowly, Simba and some of the other start to see and accept this. Except Zira, of course.
ZIRA
Vitani, now!
VITANI
No, mother!
She walks over to the Pride Landers and sides with Kovu. The rain slowly stops.
VITANI
Kiara's right. It doesn't matter if this is straight to video... it's still awesome. This and the original? We are one.
ZIRA
If YOU will believe this bullsh-t, then YOU will be forced to watch Twilight as well!
The Outlanders look disgusted and leave her, joining the Pride Landers.
ZIRA
What? Where the hell do you think you're going? Do you have any idea how badly I busted my ass just trying to understand the script?
SIMBA
Let it go, Zira. Accept it- this is a great sequel.
ZIRA
I'll NEVER accept it! Disney just wants money, I know it!
She lurches forward to attack, but Kiara stops her. The two of them fall off of a cliff, and they both grab hold of it. Zira starts to slide down. Kiara regains her footing on a lower level. She reaches down for Zira.
KIARA
Zira, give me your paw! I feel the good in you!
ZIRA
You're not a f-cking Jedi!
KIARA
I'll help you.
Zira looks at her evily.
ZIRA
Hakuna Matata, motherf-cker.
She slides off and falls into the fast stream of water. She dies. Simba comes to Kiara.
KIARA
Dad... they really do love to kill us with cliffs, don't they?
SIMBA
Don't worry about it, she wasn't worth sh-t anyway.
KIARA
Don't you think that's kind of harsh?
SIMBA
Kiara, have you SEEN her DeviantArt profile?
Kiara remembers how many disturbingly suggestive poses of Scar Zira drew.
KIARA
... good point.
They climb back over the cliff's edge. Kiara and Kovu get back together again.
KIARA
Kovu, I'm so ready for you, it's not even funny,
KOVU
When we get back... my God the things I'm gonna do to you...
SIMBA
Kovu?
KOVU (In his thoughts)
Oh f-ck, he's not done giving me crap about this, is he? The narrow minded son of a-
SIMBA
I was wrong. Turns out Nala got rid of my cards because she hates Pokemon too. And... she kind of heard that thing I said about Vitani being hot.
KOVU (In his thoughts)
Thank... God...
VITANI
Wait, you said what about me?!
SIMBA
Alright, let's get out of this sh-t hole before these two start porking on the ground.
Scene changes to Pride Rock early in the morning, days later. Kiara and Kovu are now married.
SIMBA (In his thoughts)
I don't even need to give him crap anymore. When they have cubs, they'll do it for me. Poor suckers. They have no idea what they're in for...
Timon and Pumbaa appear. Timon is holding an empty beer can, drunk as hell, barely able to stand.
TIMON (Drunk, slurred speech)
Hey, wazzup everubuda? Howwya...? I... I juss luv ya allzes, yous knows thus? Less juss party! Yeah, partay!
SIMBA
He's wasted, isn't he?
PUMBAA (Whispering)
I don't even think he knows your alive.
Simba sighs. He, Nala, Kiara, and Kovu walk out to Pride Rock's edge. Simba roars loudly.
SIMBA
Beat that, bitch.
Kovu roars louder than Simba did. Kiara gives Kovu a seductive and suggestive look. Then all four of them roar off the edge. The animals around the place cheer. Simba looks up to the sky and hears Mufasa's spirit.
MUFASA
Well done, my son. You made a direct to video sequel not suck.
Rafiki looks up to the sky.
RAFIKI
You now owe me a lot XBox Live points, Mufasa.
MUFASA
God dammit...
The scene zooms out.
KIARA
So Kovu, how many cubs do you want?
KOVU (timid)
C-cubs? Cubs? Wait, hold on a second, no one told me about cubs! No wait, don't roll the credits! This wasn't in my contract, this wasn't in the script! No come on!... awww. motherfu-!
THE END
This story is in special dedication to all lovers and admirers of this underrated masterpiece.