Title: Cadence of her last breath
Characters: Mara Jade Skywalker, Jacen Solo
Timeline: Legacy of the Force
Word Count: 1.249 (without Lyrics)
Category: Vignette, Songfiction
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All This literary work is a piece of fan fiction. Star Wars, and all associated content (whether trademarked, copyrighted or otherwise protected by U.S. or international law) are property of LucasFilm Ltd. The included song is property of Nightwish and all other entities involved.
Author's Note: This vignette was inspired by the song "Bye bye beautiful" by Nightwish. Though I very well know that the scene is originally described in "Sacrifice", it never lived up to my idea of Mara's passing. And while listening to the song, I couldn't quite detach my thoughts from this scene, so I just had to (re-)write it.
It's not the tree that forsakes the flower, but the flower that forsakes the tree
THE CADENCE OF HER LAST BREATH
Never before, her heart had beaten so loudly. Never before, her blood had rushed so intensively in her ears. Never before, death and pain had felt so distant, so unreal, like in this very moment. And yet, she was dying, right here, right there, and as if she was already a bodiless ghost, she felt life inevitably flow out of her with her own warm blood. The cold of death sought its way into her veins, her flesh, her breath, while it advanced into her marrow. Slowly, her bonds with reality loosened, her perception clouded by an all-including darkness.
I'm dying. The thought crossed her mind over and over again. I'm dying… dying… dying…
It seemed that, in the depths of her heart, she had already known and then again not. The words became a steady consonance, a rhythm that reflected a thousand of her heartbeats and a single heartbeat reflected an entire lifetime in return, until the word itself had lost its meaning entirely. And all that remained were the last, shattered pieces of her life, before her pulse would finally break away.
A thousand times, she had tried to imagine this moment, how it might feel like, when nothingness dawned upon her like a shroud. What pain would come to her mind and body before the end? Again and again in all these years, she had faced and cheated death, always aware that this game couldn't go on forever. But nothing she had experienced during the long, wasting years of disease could have prepared her properly for what was truly coming at her, she knew that now.
Pictures passed her mind's eye. Pictures that were just as substantial as the chimera of her son, with which Jacen had lured her on to her own destruction, and yet, they made the past resurge with such clarity, she felt like she only needed to stretch out her hands to dive back into the visions and shadows of her past life.
She remembered Coruscant, the great, proud, intrigue-filled Imperial Center that would be her spiritual home forever. She saw the sumptuous skyscrapers, the never-ending stream of freighters, air-taxis and speeders and breathed the life of a million different species. Everything was as bright and shining as in the days of Palpatine's reign, long before the planet had been disgraced by the Yuuzhan Vong. With the Emperor ruling this unjust galaxy, there had been loyalties and allegiance and the line between good and evil had been clearly defined. Devotion had been the most essential part of her existence. How young she had been! And how deeply she had longed for the welcoming embrace of death, when her master's passing tore the sensitive web of the Force apart and the meaning of her life was broken into a thousand little pieces.
Finally the hills are without ice
They are tired of painting
A dead man's face red
With their own blood
While the poison kept mingling with her blood and paralyzed her body fiber by fiber, she tried to defy her tears, though she knew that she had nothing to cry about. She had live to see everything one woman could see in this galaxy: a life that was full of joy and desperation and memories of those who had touched her heart.
Palpatine's pale, scarred face was replaced by Talon Karrde's contemplate grin. She saw him stroking his beard with one hand, while his eyes glimmered in the semi-darkness of his secret Smuggler's Alliance office. She had seen this mime, everytime some little plan of his was baring fruit and he dwelled in satisfaction. In one way or another, she knew, she could never have survived without Karrde. For many years, she'd thought that working for him had kept her from mourning her past, but in truth it was him who had led her on a path of self-discovery. He had treated her like a father would have done and if she had had another son, she would have named him Talon.
Endearingly, she thought of Han and Leia… she wouldn't live long enough to see how their beloved son would turn against them. One more thing she was thankful for right now.
She thought of Jaina, remembered the day, when she had first seen her as a little child on her father's arm. She had never imagined the Solo daughter to look up to her, treat her as a mentor! And with Jaina, memories of others passed along: Kam, Tionne, Kyp Durron even, and Anakin who had already become one with the Force.
She thought of Ben who had been her blessing and the greatest source of happiness in her life, no matter how unexpected he had come into existence. He was a part of her and always would be. He was her flesh and blood. Nobody could take that awareness away, never, not even in death.
And she thought about Luke, the only man, she had truly loved. Trying to find the right words to describe the deep emotions that had bonded them together was pointless and would reduce them to a lower level. No existing word could nearly verbalize her true feelings for him.
Nevertheless, she couldn't help wondering what had been her very last words to him: some stupid banter or a heartfelt message, an omen? "I love you", at least? She couldn't remember. For a brief moment she wished, she could say something, anything that would help to ease the pain coming at him soon, but there was nothing left for her to do. She could not prevent it or change the course of the future, just like the day that Palpatine died. Like the day that Jacen had slipped out of control of the New Jedi Order and his own family. In the end, everything turned into its opposite.
They used to laugh
Having so much to lose
Blink you eyes just once
And see everything in ruins
Time stood still, her heart paused and the heat of her blood faded away, until nothing was left, but a cold current leaving her body and letting death take its place. This was her very last breath: slow, constant, silent. Everything became irrelevant. The future, the past and the present, they were all part of the Force, but no longer part of her. She had gone until the end, her story was now over. But the bitterness about the loss of her secularistic life – filled with love after the long years of pain – mingled with the sweet awareness that everything was transitory und would one day flow back into its origin. In the end, everything would be united as one in the Force and the separation from the ones she loved would expire one day. In the Force, her love would live on eternally, for the Force itself was eternal. Everlasting. Immortal...
"I wish it had never come to this," Jacen – no, Darth Caedus, she reminded herself – said, but his tone belied his words. He tightened his grip on his lightsaber, until his knuckles went white. His grim face was filled with the determination to put an end to her life. "But you never gave me a choice."
Did you ever hear what I told you?
Did you ever read what I wrote you?
Did you ever listen to what we play?
Did you ever let in what the world said?
Their eyes met one last time and she felt a barely detectable, dying whiff of humanity in her nephew, but the Dark Side had already overtaken possession of him. He had made his decision and now we would have to bare the consequences.
"You always have a choice," she managed to say with a last, bitter smile.
Then, Mara Jade Skywalker crossed the final threshold and embraced immortality.
Did we get this far just to feel your hate?
Did we play to become only pawns to the game?
How blind can you be, don't you see
You chose the long road, but we'll be waiting
THE END