Chapter 1

Screaming. Deafening screaming all around me. Flashes of deadly green light hitting many of my friends as I tried desperately to aid Harry in his fight to defeat Voldmort. The horror of seeing Lucius Malfoy bear down upon me, his face contorted with rage and disgust, slowly changing into a cold sneer of triumph as he raised his wand to utter the two deadly words to end my life is etched into my brain, every time I give in and let sleep wash over me I relive the horror of the final battle…

I closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable, I thought I would feel fear, but I didn't, I didn't feel anything. I was numb, it sickens me to admit it but I almost welcomed death. It would be such an easy way out of this horror. For those split seconds my Gryffindor courage left me and I was almost praying for this cowardly way out. I was ready to abandon Harry, end 'the golden trio' and put an end to my nightmare.

If Draco Malfoy had not killed his father a second before Lucius ended my 'unworthy mud blood' life I would have welcomed the end, and it is that knowledge that haunts me, the guilt that I WANTED to abandon my friends and loved ones because I am weak. The guilt eats away at me, like a disease, it never leaves me.

Why Draco murdered his father is a mystery to me, maybe he finally saw what a foul and truly evil monster the man was. Maybe he always knew but couldn't rebel against the dark side for fear of his life? But kill him and save me is exactly what Draco Malfoy did, but I find myself wishing he hadn't…

"HERMIONE JANE GRANGE WILL YOU PLEASE ANSWER ME", my mothers voice jolts me out of my restless sleep and out of my nightmare.

"Sorry mother I didn't hear you?" I reply tiredly, blinking my eyes, trying to rid myself of the mental flashes that haunt my dreams.

"For the last time, your dinner is ready, although probably cold by now" came my mothers annoyed reply.

I strolled down the stairs and took my place at the dinner table. I wasn't hungry, I never am, guilt is all I seem to feed upon these days. I pick at some chicken, knowing full well that if I don't at least make the effort I will get yet another lecture from my mother.

As I eat I can sense my mother and father exchange worried glances over the table, and know what's coming next, it's the same every dinner time, my father will attempt a light hearted conversation…..

"All packed for school tomorrow love, it wouldn't do for the head girl to forget all her books now would it!"

I try to smile but I don't think it looks very convincing, I decide a nod will suffice.

"You must be looking forward to a uneventful year, know that lunatic 'Dark Lord' has been got rid of by Harry, I must admit it's a huge relief for us, isn't it Jane"

And, as usual, my dad says something insensitive and poorly thought out that causes me to completely shut down. How can he think that just because Harry, my amazing, strong, courageous Harry has defeated Voldmort that everything is all fine and dandy?!

I use this comment as an excuse to leave the table without saying a word to either of my parents, I know my mother will be giving Dad a death glare for his choice of subject but I don't care, I just need to get to my room, away from everyone.

As I step into my room I lean against my closed door and close my eyes. The guilt I always feel washing over me as my fathers words bring back all of the memories I try so hard to banish from my mind.

Why has Dumbledore made me head girl? Does he not know how unworthy I am? With this thought playing on my mind I walk slowly over to my dresser and pull out a razor blade. Sitting on my bed I drag the cool metal slowly over my lower arm, feeling the physical pain of cutting drown out the mental pain I always feel as my blood runs slowly down my arm, and for a moment I feel free from the nightmares, I do not have to think about facing my friends tomorrow and hope they don't see what coward I am, unworthy of their friendship.

As I drift into another restless sleep I find myself thinking of Draco and what he is doing at this moment in time?...

A/N - please review and let me know what you think and if i should post the next chapter! thanks