A/N: I had this idea at 11 o'clock in the evening and finished typing it at 1 am. So please forgive any gross errors and let me know about them.
The phrase in bold print is Zetsu's black half speaking.
Phrases in italics are Deidara's thoughts.
Random words in any of those fonts are just for emphasis.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and am not making any money out of this (not that anyone would pay me for it).
Warning: Exactly 13 swear words, mostly due to Hidan's foul mouth.
Enjoy : )
An advantage of working for the Akatsuki was the privacy of it all. No asked you intrusive questions about your past because no one cared. And if they really wanted to know they just had to open a bingo book. However, this privacy makes things a bit difficult if you aren't a full-blow cold bastard. Some of them (Deidara for example) still want to know who the hell they're shacked up with. No one knows what's under those big cloaks they all wear. Unless they're Hidan and half naked underneath anyway, everyone rigorously hides themselves in the coats at all times when in company; a custom which got ridiculous in the summer but hell, it's style baby.
Still, the heat in the building is sweltering, however much you ponder about it. The Akatsuki are all seated at a long, business-like table with the Leader at one end. There are neither windows nor a ventilation system to minimize spying. They have been in the room for about an hour and it is the high of summer. The sun has been baking the hideout all day and slowly steaming alive whoever is in it. Deidara had been lying on his bed with a minimal amount of clothing before being summoned to the meeting and even so was still sweating. A cold shower had only served to make him feel even hotter when he got out of it. Imagine having to dress "properly" with a heavy black full-length woolen CLOAK on top.
Such is Deidara's train of thought as the Leader drones on about objectives and everyone pretends to listen. He glances discretely down the table and, sure enough, absolutely everyone is sweating. Hidan is leaning back with his cloak not-so-discreetly open. He's bare-chested. Can't blame him, un. Kazuku's eyes have glazed over; Zetsu looks distinctively withered and Tobi is sprawled out on the table in a mute gesture of supplication. Konan's skin is a bit pinker than usual. Suits her hair, un. Even Itachi the pale-faced wonder is flushed. Kisame looks purple. Deidara doesn't have the energy to think it's funky.
Kazuku is the one to finally interrupt the Leader:
"What is it?
- It is very warm in here. ("No shit Sherlock") Shouldn't we move to a more... adequate location?
- No. This is the only secure place I could get at such short notice.
- We aren't making any headway. It would be better to meet again when it isn't so hot. ("Hear, hear")
- I want this business sorted out today."
A collective groan (which no one ever admitted to later) welcomes this phrase.
"Tobi is hot.
- We all are.
- Tobi is really hot.
- We know dammit.
- Tobi feels like Tobi is melting. Can Tobi take his cloak off?"
Silence.
"Can Tobi?"
More silence. Taking one's cloak off in the official presence of others isn't done. It just isn't. It's just one of those rules like showering every day or not stripping in the street. It's just not done.
Tobi obviously interprets the silence as silent assent and wonder at the genius simplicity of his idea instead of shock and a general doubting of his mental capacities. He takes his cloak off.
Even more silence. Everyone stares.
Tobi folds his cloak and sets it over the back of his chair. He sits back down.
He is wearing a white T-shirt and flowery orange Hawaiian shorts.
" Tobi feels better now.
- Tobi, un... Put your cloak back on, un.
- But Deidara-senpai it's boiling!
- Tobi put your cloak on!"
Then Hidan suddenly stands and takes his cloak off too:
" Tobi's fucking right! Why should we fucking cook in this fuckin' shit-hole?!
- Hidan! You will put your cloak back on!
- Like hell I will! Fuck you, I'm not your fuckin' bitch!"
Deidara can see the Leader's point on that one: Hidan's wearing boxers and sandals and his forehead protector aaaand... not much else.
"I agree with him Leader-sama, we shouldn't make ourselves uncomfortable if it muddles our thinking." Kisame is looking for a reason to join Tobi and Hidan in the blessed haven of feeling air on one's skin.
"This isn't a social gathering, we will keep our cloaks on and I don't want to hear anymore about the heat!
- Fuck you!
- We can hardly work like that.
- Haven't you worked out your plans already? Yeah, haven't we suffered enough already?
- Yeah, what he said, un.
- Silence!"
The Leader looks impressively down the table and receives a mass of less-than-impressed stares back. Truth be told he is feeling a bit hot. But this is an official Akatsuki meeting and proper decorum has to be maintained. This means cloaks and this means wearing them for the whole duration of the meeting, heat or not.
"I think we should.
- Konan!
- Come on Leader-sama!
- No one would know, un."
The Leader feels his utter certainty in all things waver. Organization members always wear their uniforms, or else what's the point of being in an organization if no-one knows about it? Those cloaks are their trademarks! What if a shinobi spied on them and only saw a bunch of nins? How would he recognize them?!
"No-one can possibly be spying on us Leader-san. There are powerful barriers around this room and only a single entry, which you have personally sealed."
Itachi's first contribution to the meeting. Guess it's time for desperate measures, un.
" Yeah, and who could possibly get through your barriers, un? I know I couldn't.
- Those protective scrolls are the best money can buy, the highest quality.
- Don't tell us you're scared of some mangy jounin, un."
The Leader's resolve finally cracks. He sits back down and nods to Konan. This makes her the first to lawfully remove her cloak and there is a general shifting around as everyone finally takes those damn things off. Kazuku, Itachi and Deidara nod to each other as colleagues acknowledging help on the battlefield, then Itachi relaxes minutely and suddenly appears to wear a fishnet shirt. He'd apparently been too hot to conform and wear his cloak and so had used genjutsu to make it look like he was wearing one. Ha! Jerk, I wish I could do that, un.
The meeting resumed when everyone had settled down again after learning that Zetsu's plant actually grows out of his skin, meaning that he has weird patches of thick green skin on his upper body. They also learned that his unusual coloration does extend all the way. He has a black right arm and a white left arm and with a green T-shirt on top it looks like the plant is slowly taking over him. It's creepy.
Deidara looks down the table with a regain of interest. Thoughts like Whoa, Itachi looks hot in fishnet, un! followed by Where did that come from, un? cross his mind; not everyone has some weird physical quirk apparently. Kisame looks like a mover in an old tank top apart from the fact that he has blue-gray skin and Konan is an ordinary woman in every respect (especially while wearing a cropped T-shirt). Kazuku does have some weird black stitches holding him together but his black clothes are fairly normal. The Leader hasn't removed his cloak and just muttered something about indignity while everyone else did.
They finished taking the necessary decisions around 5 in the afternoon when the air had cooled down a bit and their brains had begun to work properly again. The cloaks came back on before they left and the Leader made them swear not to mention this to anyone else. Not that there was anyone to mention it to. Ironically "Hey, did you know I took my cloak off in public once?" never really made it as an icebreaker.
Lying in bed in the dark Deidara cogitated about Sasori. He wondered how his senpai would have reacted to the heat. Cloaks are warm, they proved that fact today, and the puppet he traveled in was made of metal. He vaguely remembered a drunken bet he'd made before getting "recruited" by the Akatsuki, something about stripping... It had been raining. He'd gotten his trousers halfway down his legs by the time they'd thrown him out and he'd stumbled around trying to distinguish his shirt and sandals from the mud. He'd worn a brown-- no, a red shirt that day. The same shirt as today. It had been the first time he'd been drunk enough to do that sort of bet. And today was the first time they'd all taken their cloaks off. Except Leader who didn't play fair. Perhaps he'd suggest strip-poker next time... It'd certainly be... worth it. To see their faces. And... learn more about them. See who could be... persuaded... into some alcohol... Perhaps a game... Leader in his Y-fronts... Ha ha ha...
And with that Deidara fell asleep in the heat with Tobi's old electric fan flapping on and mosquitoes streaming in through the open window, the bastards.