Title: Again

Summary: One time Youhei wished he'd never see Okazaki again and two times he was terrified that wish had come true. (mentions of abuse because srsly it's Clannad, guys, and talks of suicide)

Word Count: 2,802

Disclaimer: I don't own Clannad, and this fact makes me extremely sad.

Author's Note: K, I know this isn't actually how Tomoya and Youhei met but I had this little head canon until they revealed how they met and I wanted to write this so...

.~.

The Time He Wished To Never See Okazaki Again

Youhei hated him, that kid who sat in the back of the class like he owned the place. What was his name? Okazaki or something?

Youhei had seen him around before and he knew a little bit about him: popular at his old school, star basketball player, lady's man. He had this stupid grin on his face and he was flirting carelessly with two girls at once. The only asshole trait he was missing was his shirt sleeves rolled up needlessly high.

Youhei wasn't sure why he hated Okazaki so much. Why should he dislike him more than any of the other big-headed athletes? And on top of that, wasn't Youhei pretty much the same, just with less girls trailing after him?

"Maybe we could… go do something after school?" one of the girls was saying to Okazaki. She was twirling his long hair around her finger, all her weight shifted to one foot. There was a sheepishly hopeful look on her face.

Okazaki's smile slipped into a grimace for a split second, but he fixed it back to a grin before anyone but Youhei noticed. He responded, "Maybe another time."

Youhei rolled his eyes and flopped into his seat, which was in the back but all the way across the room from Okazaki. Goro, another boy who would be playing soccer when the season started, sat down next to him and leaned over to say, "Someone's in a bad mood."

Scoffing, Youhei rolled his eyes and responded, "He makes me sick." He motioned toward Okazaki with his head. "Look at him, flirting with all those girls. We all know he doesn't date, but he's got them all lined up."

"Oh you're just jealous," Goro teased.

"Yeah, right. Imagine if I was that ugly. No thanks, not jealous." Youhei laughed at his own joke. "Besides, I kinda of hate him for not dating. Like—if I had all those girls lined up… I'd date at least one of them."

"Maybe he doesn't like any of them," Goro countered, forever the voice of reason.

Youhei immediately responded, "Well then he's been leading them on for an awfully long time…"

One of the girls surrounding Okazaki was talking pretty loud again. She said, "Or I could come over… you know, to work on homework and… stuff."

Youhei looked over just in time to see Okazaki's eyebrow twitch. He pulled on the sleeves of his uniform and responded, "How about not?" a little bit too harshly.

The girl looked taken aback. "Oh. Okay, sorry," she said before scuttling off to find her seat.

Okazaki flopped back in his seat and stared out the window.

Youhei scoffed again. "He doesn't even like her," he said to Goro. A little louder, he added, "Okazaki's such an ass."

Okazaki seemed to hear that. He whipped his head around and turned angry eyes on Youhei. "What was that?" he asked as he stood quickly. He was a lot taller standing up.

Youhei was feeling a little bit brave, so he stood as well and said, "I said you're an ass." He motioned with his hand around. "Everyone here knows it."

Moving toward Youhei, Okazaki said, "Are you trying to piss me off? Because it's working. Don't think I won't fight you."

He started rolling up his shirt sleeves, preparing to fight, revealing a yellow and brown bruise around his wrist. He didn't seem to even remember it was there, but Youhei found himself wondering who he'd fought to get that.

"Try to take me," Okazaki jeered. "I dare you."

Youhei was the first person to make a move. He never got the chance to throw a punch, though, because their teacher suddenly appeared behind him and started pulling him back. "Let me at him!" he shouted as shrilly as he could.

Okazaki was pulling his shirt sleeves back down.

The teacher was grumbling in Youhei's ear as he dragged him out of the classroom and shouted back, "Okazaki! You're coming too!"

Damn. Why was he coming to? Youhei never wanted to see that bastard again.

The Time He Thought Somebody Else Was Going to Kill Okazaki

They were both suspended for the fight, and then they had to have detention together. And after having to spend a lot of time with Okazaki, Youhei had to admit it: he wasn't that bad of a guy. Sarcastic, lazy, and a little bit arrogant—but still a good guy. He was pretty funny if nothing else.

They'd even started to talk to each other outside of detention and sometimes Okazaki came over to Youhei's dorm to work on homework together. The nights that Okazaki was in his room, he didn't leave until late. Then he'd usually get to school looking tired the next morning, like he hadn't slept very well the night before. Youhei never asked about the correlation.

Youhei had gone home for break the first time he realized that he and Okazaki were officially friends now. He was at dinner with his family and his phone rang. He looked down to see that it was Okazaki calling him. Why would his school friend be calling him over break?

"Do you guys mind if I get this?" he asked his parents.

"We're not allowed to leave dinner to talk on the phone," his little sister screeched. Her pigtails swung as she jumped to her feet.

Their mother set out a hand to calm her down. "Is it important, Youhei?" she asked him, and he nodded. "Go ahead."

"Okazaki?" he answered the phone, slipping into his bedroom. He closed the door tightly behind him.

Okazaki's voice sounded breathy and scared as he said, "Youhei?"

Youhei felt his eyebrows scrunch together in worry. He had never heard Okazaki sound like that and he immediately felt warning bells go off in his mind. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

"No," Okazaki responded. "I—uh—I…" He trailed off and it sounded like he was breathing heavily. "Are you in your dorm right now?"

Feeling a pang of guilt flash through him, Youhei responded, "No. I'm visiting my family, remember?" He hated that Okazaki had actually needed someone for once and he hadn't been there for him.

"Oh yeah. I forgot. I'm sorry." Okazaki paused. "I'll just… go."

"Wait!" It took Youhei a moment to realize how loudly he had shouted that. He expected one of his family members to come in and see what was wrong. "Are you okay?" he asked.

After a long moment, Okazaki breathed out, "No."

It sounded like he was going to say something else, but there was suddenly a muffled banging sound followed by a voice saying, "Tomoya, come out right now!" They must have been shouting pretty loudly for Youhei to hear. "Open up the door!"

"Damn," Okazaki said into the phone quietly. He sounded even more scared now.

Youhei felt his heart pick up. "Okazaki, what's going on?" Okazaki didn't respond so he continued, "Tell me what's happening. Are you okay? Okazaki."

"Sunohara, I'm scared," Okazaki whispered. He was still being too vague for Youhei's liking. After a few seconds though, he said, "You can't tell anyone about this, okay?"

Youhei hesitated for a moment before he said, "Okay."

Then it sounded like Okazaki gulped and he said, "My dad and I got in a fight. He's drunk. Sunohara… Sunohara, I can't move my shoulder."

Any breath that had still been in Youhei's lungs was forced out by the shock. Oh God—this was serious, wasn't it? He had to do something. He couldn't just leave Okazaki there. But he couldn't get back to school fast enough to do any good. His home was too far away from Okazaki's.

"Okazaki," Youhei said urgently. He knew he had to do something to help. If Okazaki was willing to trust him with something like this, it must be important to him. "I need you to answer a few questions for me, okay?"

"Okay," Okazaki gulped.

"When you say that you can't move your shoulder, do you mean that it hurts to move it or that it actually won't move?" Youhei didn't know why this was the first question he asked, but it had been the first to come to mind.

"I actually can't move it." Oh. That was bad.

Youhei suddenly heard the other voice again, "I swear if you don't open this door right now—!"

"Sunohara," Okazaki whispered. "I don't know what to do. He's not normally like this. He should be passed out by now."

It suddenly hit Youhei what this meant. Okazaki's dad beat him. All of those weird bruises and nights acting like he never wanted to go home were suddenly explained. It made sense now why Okazaki occasionally smelled like beer but never seemed to drink.

"Okazaki—"

"If you don't open this door, I'll break it open!"

"Damn. Damn. Damn," Okazaki was sounding panicked again. "I gotta go. Shit. Sunohara, I think he's really mad. He's gonna—" He hung up.

Youhei pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at the screen for a few moments as it went from a call to his home screen. He knew he should probably try to call Okazaki back, but he was scared that the sound of a ringing phone might make everything worse for his friend.

As wrong as he knew it was, Youhei put his phone in his pocket and went back to dinner with his family, trying to act as if nothing was wrong.

.~.

It scared the shit out of Youhei when he got to school the next week and Okazaki wasn't there yet. A few minutes later, though, he came in and sat in his usual spot. His shoulder was wrapped in a weird sort of half-sling, half-cast. He went to staring out the window.

Youhei stood and walked over quickly. He sat down in the seat next to Okazaki's. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

Okazaki turned to him. His eyes were rimmed with the red that came with lack of sleep and he whispered, "No. But I'm not dead, so I'm better than I expected."

The Time He Thought Okazaki was going to Kill Himself

When it was revealed that Okazaki could never play basketball again, he had a breakdown. He was in Youhei's dorm and he nearly tore the place apart, screaming and shouting and nearly crying. The pure anger and hopelessness that had reared up in him took over, and Youhei had let him take out his anger.

Then Okazaki had asked if he could stay the night. Youhei, who kept hearing the shouting voice of Okazaki's angry dad in his head, gladly let him and set up some sheets on the ground for him.

After that, everything seemed to go downhill for Okazaki. He spent most of his time in Youhei's dorm and rarely left. He went home late at night and got to school late.

The only thing that had gotten better was that he never had mysterious bruises anymore. Youhei asked him about it and he'd responded, "Dad's feels guilty for destroying my life. Now he just doesn't talk to me. Or look at me. Or acknowledge my presence when I'm home." Youhei hadn't known how to respond.

One night, Okazaki was reclined on the floor of Youhei's dorm. His hands were behind his head and he was staring up at the ceiling. He suddenly said, "Do you think anything would change if I was dead?"

Youhei, who'd been staring at a magazine on his bed, turned to look at him. "I'd be pretty lonely," he remarked. "Why?"

"Well, other than that, I mean," Okazaki said, gesticulating as he spoke. He paused for a second then said, "I'm failing in school now. The basketball team doesn't need me. My dad hates me. What would change if I was gone?"

"A lot," was all Youhei could say.

When Okazaki went home that night, Youhei was worried that he wouldn't see his best friend at school the next day. But Okazaki did show up for school (a little late, but that was too be expected.).

The second time he got a worrying call from Okazaki, Youhei actually was in his dorm. Okazaki had already gone home for the night, so he was getting ready for bed. He's just pulled the covers over him when his phone rang.

"Yeah?" he answered it.

"Remember when you said a lot would change if I died?" Okazaki asked, not bothering with formalities of a phone call.

Youhei was used to this. He didn't even fumble. "Yeah."

Okazaki went on to ask, "What would change?" He sounded desperate.

"I'd lose my best friend," Youhei rushed to say. He couldn't explain why but he felt like he needed to explain why the world would be worse if Okazaki wasn't there. "We would never know if maybe your shoulder will heal enough for you to—"

"It's never going to heal enough!" Okazaki shouted. "It's never going to heal and I'll just be stuck here. If I can't play basketball then I have no reason to be alive! I don't have a purpose anymore!"

"Okazaki—"

The anger had dissipated and was replaced with sadness when Okazaki said, "I don't know why I even bother living anymore."

"Don't say that…" Youhei tried to sound consoling, but he had never been very good at this stuff. "You've got every reason to live. You'll find something else you love. I promise."

Okazaki scoffed, and Youhei found the extremely familiar sound a little comforting. "Yeah right," Okazaki said scornfully. "Basketball was all I had and he took that away from me." He paused. "Sunohara… Erm. Youhei… I've—uh—got…" He fumbled over his words. "Never mind. Just… if I'm not at school tomorrow, don't come looking for me, okay?"

Youhei felt the familiar warning bells in his mind. "Okazaki. What have you got?"

"A—um…"

"Tomoya."

"I'm going to kill myself."

Youhei was on his feet and pulling on pants faster than he could blink. He felt his heart and his breathing both pick up their pace. "Tomoya, don't you dare. You're not thinking straight. Tomorrow morning, you'll realize—"

"I won't have a tomorrow morning." The deadpan tone of Okazaki's voice was scarier than any angry or sad tone he could have taken. "I don't want a tomorrow morning."

"Think for a second!" Youhei said as he grabbed his dorm key and starting rushing out. He moved quickly enough that his dorm mother never even saw him sneak out. "Think about what you'd be leaving behind."

Okazaki laughed darkly. "What? A lost chance at a basketball career and a dad who's single-handedly ruined my life. Do you realize how easy it was for him? All he had to do was shove me once to take everything away. Not that that was enough for him."

Youhei sprinted down the street and he couldn't help but start panting. He'd never been much of a runner.

"Youhei?" Okazaki asked. "Are you running?"

"Damn right, I'm running," Youhei answered. "I'm coming to get you."

"No, don't do that!" Okazaki begged.

Youhei ignored him and reached the Okazaki home quickly enough. He had to stop to lean over and pant for a moment before he banged on the door.

When it opened, he was faced with a man he'd never met. So this was Tomoya's father. He looked different from what Youhei had expected. He'd thought Mr. Okazaki would be big, tall, and strong—but this man was frail. He looked like he didn't see the sun much and he squinted even into the night. One thing that Youhei had been right to expect was the smell of alcohol that emanated from him.

Youhei scrunched up his nose and said, "I need to see Tomoya."

Mr. Okazaki blinked a few times. He was taking too long to respond, so Youhei pushed past him and stumbled through the cluttered and dank living room—he'd never been in the inside of Tomoya's house and he found himself a little sad that his best friend had to live here—to go to the bedrooms.

He pushed open the first door he saw and he found Tomoya sitting on his bed, hunched over himself, holding something in his lap. Youhei rushed over and put his hand over his best friend's yanking a knife from Tomoya's grasp.

"Please," he said, "don't take yourself away from me."

Tomoya looked up at him with eyes that somehow looked sad and numb at the same time. He blinked once—wow, he looked like his dad when he did that—and finally responded, "Why not?"

"Because it would kill me if I never got to see you again."