Link Buys a Dick
One fine day, Link was strolling through the Deku Forest (which looked spectacularly similar to the Kokiri Forest, but it's different. So just drop it okay?)
"Why hello there, good sir!"
A voice called out to him. When he looked five feet ahead, he noticed that it was a Business Scrub.
"Might I interest you in some fine trinkets?"
Link nodded, and the Business Scrub laid out a small blanket with a few things on it. One of the things was the oddest thing Link had ever seen. It looked like a hard, spiral-y vine, but bigger. He curiously looked at it.
"Ah, I see you have an eye for quality, good sir! That right there is a Deku Shield."
Link threw him a skeptical glare. He knew what a Deku Shield looked like and this was most decidely NOT a Deku Shield. In fact, it didn't look like a shield at all.
"Er, uhm, you see! It's a special kind of Deku Shield. Very rare, very valuable. The other do-gooders would be super envious if you had one of these."
Link picked it up and inspected it. It seemed to have a switch at the base. He flipped it, and the "shield" started to vibrate... a lot. He looked back at the Business Scrub with a raised eyebrow.
"That's err uhm, the special vibration-y function. It uh... prevents your opponent from attacking! And it also looks hella cool! Whaddya say? At one-hundred and fifty rupees, it's a steal!"
Link turned off the vibration-y function and stared blankly at the object for ten minutes or so and finally nodded, handing over his precious rupees.
"Thank you very much, good sucker... I mean sir! Be seeing you!"
The Business Scrub burrowed into the ground. Link thought he heard him cackle on the way down.
Later that day, some Link was still walking around in the woods because reasons. Suddenly, a Mad Scrub popped up and started spitting seeds at him.
He rolled to the side and held up his new vibration-y shield. He flipped the switch and sure enough, the seeds stopped coming. When he looked up though, he found the Mad Scrub not paralyzed with vibration-y magic, but rather laughing hysterically.
He frowned. What was so funny? He turned off the vibration-y function and the Mad Scrub continued giggling for a few minutes. When he finally calmed down, he met Link's irritated eyes fixated on him.
"Cool gag, kid! But where on Earth did you get that thing?"
Link gestured in a way that suggested a Business Scrub... somehow.
"Oh goddess! No wonder! That guy is such an ass. Selling a kid like you a Deku Scrub sex toy."
Link stared blankly for a moment and then his eyes widened as he caught on. He immediately dropped the "shield".
"Oh this is rich. Yo kid, stay here for a sec' wouldya'?"
Even if the Mad Scrub hadn't told him to, he probably would have. He was far too grossed out to really do anything.
The Mad Scrub returned a minute later with some friends. They looked at Link and the "shield" by his feet and a chorus of laughter erupted through the forest. Link looked indignantly at them and huffed. He picked up the "shield" and held it in front of him again, determined to make it look like a shield. One of the Mad Scrub's pals whose laughter had already died down looked at Link and shook his head.
"I don't know what to tell you kid. You bought a Deku Dick. You're just gonna have to deal with it." And then he started laughing again.
Link was furious. Finally, he stomped his feet and said something.
"You guys are the real Deku Dicks!" He shouted. The scrubs looked at him, horrified.
"Oh shit! He talked!"
And then the whole world exploded because that's not supposed to happen. The End.