Sometimes I wonder if I was born with the faculties of a normal human being.
As far as biology goes, there's a certain... criteria... that I seem to drop below the threshold of. I don't know why I was singled out to be this way. Blaming heredity would be the cheapest cop-out answer, but unfortunately I can't seem to remember ever having a family.
Facts are facts, I'm incapable of sustaining myself on the same level as the average human. It's quite pathetic, really. I've heard of "momma's boys" and "daddy's girls" and women with "sugar daddies", all terms to describe an organism with a sufficiently higher level of dependency upon others to support their day-to-day functionality. But what sets us apart is... I'm pretty sure it's a choice they make, their own volition guiding them, luring them into that complacency, but they possess the potential to change if they truly willed it so. I don't think I can.
I've been away from Vice for about 10 minutes now and it... bugging me. REALLY...BUGGING...ME. I don't even remember where she wandered off to. All I know is, she's not here at the moment and I've found myself becoming slightly unsettled. I don't know how to describe the feeling; is it like an infant away from their mother? Heh, that would be trivializing it. I don't think a baby would desire to dig their nails into their arm and peel back their skin just from being away from their mom for 10 minutes. I think it's safe to say I'm quite fucked up at the moment. Where the hell is Vice?
Vice... how did we even meet? I don't remember. Did we come from two different wombs, or were we just brought into this world from the same source at the same second of the same hour? I remember us growing up together; in school, people would mock us, call us Siamese Twins, because we were never apart. Maybe they weren't far off.
I wish Vice would HURRY THE HELL UP. I want to sleep now. Did you know me and Vice have followed the same sleeping routine since we were, uhhhhhh... I dunno, at least seven? First, we bathed together. Then, we would brush each other's hair. Then, we'd brush our teeth. Wherever we slept that night, I'd always crawl on the left side, Vice on the right. For two hours we spooned, then we would unconsciously shift and Vice would press her head against my chest. Some later hours in the night, I would somehow end up on top of Vice's stomach. But when we woke up in the morning... somehow we were exactly like we laid down that night. Of course, when we got older and started having sex, that tossed a few variables into the equation.
Do I even like Vice? Do I love Vice? I guess I might as well love her, since I'm stuck with her. Everything I've ever learned about human relationships and intimacy, I learned with her. She was my first kiss, my first time, my last time. We fooled around with Iori a few times, but... it never felt... normal to me. It was always a curiosity I had worked up to that day, but when it was all over, I found myself regretting it and wanting to go back to Vice immediately. It's almost as if God personally made her for me, like she's the only one I'm ever allowed to be with. Would that be a better explanation than me simply depending on being near her for my head to work right? Maybe.
It has now been 20 minutes without Vice. I'm hungry. Have I ever eaten a meal by myself? I don't think so. What if I never see Vice again? Does that mean I'll starve to death, thirst, die of sleep deprivation? A better question would be... why can't I just do these things? I'm starting to believe I was never born a complete person. Somehow, another half of me was born apart, and us two halves somehow found our way back together and can only function wholly in close proximity. Or, I'm just a fucking lunatic.
I'm about to jam my thumb into my eyeball. I could probably get away with it, since I'm dead. Heh... you'd think dying would liberate me from all my earthly limitations, but somehow I can't even function spiritually by myself. Maybe that's why we died together? I'm starting to think the cosmos itself somehow aligns the stars, arranges the pieces, so that I never have to worry about being alone and feeling this awful feeling of incompletion. Although we're not physically attached to each other, it seems like an invisible force I can't explain performs the deed of making sure our fates are entwined. She's born as I'm born, she dies as I die. Maybe it'd just be easier if we WERE Siamese Twins. If we were, I wouldn't be in such pain right now.
It's been THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES. I AM ABOUT TO RIP OUT MY OWN ORGANS. I can't stand the PAIN! Where is she? WHERE?! This is not supposed to happen. It can't happen like this! I've gone on for so long... TOO LONG... I can't just adapt now! I can't just go cold turkey and start figuring out how to function in this fucked up world with just two arms, two legs and one brain. I've tried! IT DOESN'T WORK! Ahhhh... it hurts so bad... I wish I could kill myself and just be free of this! I'm tired. I'm so exhausted having to feel this! WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE BORN NORMAL?! WHO PLAYED THIS SICK TRICK ON ME, DESIGNED ME TO BE A FUCKED UP, INFERIOR, INCOMPLETE, PORTION OF A HUMAN BEING? WHY SHOULD I BE MADE TO FEEL THIS WAY? OTHER PEOPLE GET TO LIVE THEIR LIVES NORMAL! THEY CAN EAT. THEY CAN SLEEP. THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT, AT ANY FUCKING TIME THEY PLEASE!
BUT NOT ME! I'M A FREAK! I'M A MONSTER! I'M AN ABOMINATION! I'M-
Oh, there she is.