TITLE: Time For Tubby Mind Control!

AUTHOR: Jillian

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the X-Files, Mulder, or Scully. They belong to Chirs Carter, 1013, FOX, and the actors or actresses who portray them. THANKFULLY, I also do not own the Teletubbies. They belong to the BBC, PBS, and whatever sick individual created them

ARCHIVE: Yeah, right. Nobody will want this piece of crap, lol. If you do, though, tell me so I can be proud. Keep the headers with it, too.

SPOILERS: Um, slight for whatever episode we see the Lone Gunmen paper with the Teletubby headline.

CATEGORY: Humor, which I'm not to good at. Be gentle. If you're looking for something angsty or romantic like I usually write, check out my penname at fanfiction.net or email me at JILLIBEAN@aol.com

FEEDBACK: Post it all, even flames. Keep in mind I usually don't do humor, but I HAD to do this, look to my authors note for more info. You can also send me feedback at my email address listed above.

SUMMARY: Mulder wants to take on the greatest conspiracy of them all--the Teletubbies!

AUTHORS NOTES: Okay, those of you who follow my work normally know I don't write this type of thing. This morning, however, I was sitting on my couch watching TV with my eleven year old sister. Flipping around, we came to the Teletubbies. After watching for quite some time, we realized it has no educational value, but a few Communist elements to it. Of course, only a cynical mind like my own could pick that up in a children's TV show. Anyways, read it if you want… I personally don't think it's that great.

Scully walked into the basement office to find Mulder there before her... Something that rarely occurred. It seemed he was always running at least five minutes later than she was. "Morning, Mulder." She said tiredly as she hung up her coat on the hook by the door. He looked up and smiled, and she could tell already he was up to something.

"New case?" She asked.

"Bingo." He replied. "Now, Scully, I know you're not going to like this one, but I think it really has potential..." He said, picking up the case file.

She just sighed. "What now?"

"Okay, are you familiar with the children's television show known as the Teletubbies?"

"Mulder..." She said, in a warning tone.

"No, wait, listen. Have you ever actually watched the show?" He asked.

"No, I must say I am not a big Teletubbies fan." She replied.

"Well, I think that the show may be secretly involved in a Communist mind control project--"

"You've got to be kidding me, Mulder! It's an educational children's program--not a source of mind control. This is ridiculous, it's a waste of time. And wasn't than in an issue of the Lone Gunmen?" She asked.

"I didn't know you were a subscriber, Scully." He smiled wryly.

"It was in their office, I saw it when I was there..." He was giving her that look. "What?" She asked.

"Why were you at their office? Did Frohike finally score with you?" He teased.

"In his dreams." She replied.

"You're right about that one. Well, I have an episode of the show with me, let's sit down and watch it... I'll prove to you it is NOT educational--kid's can't learn a damn thing from this." He said, putting the tape in the VCR.

"I never thought this VCR would come in handy... Except of course for you to watch those video's that aren't yours when I'm not around." Scully said.

"Shh... It's starting." He hushed his partner.

"Tinky Winky! Dipsy! Laa-Laa! Po! Teletubbies! Teletubbies! Say hello!" The theme song played.

"Eh-oh!" The Teletubbies said about THIRTY times. You could barely understand that they meant to be saying hello.

"BIG HUG!" They cried out, hugging each other and then falling to the ground around a bunch of happy rabbits, as the sun with a babies face inside it smiled. Then, the little loudspeaker rose from the grass.

"Time for tubby custard! Time for tubby custard!"

"Tubby custard!" They shout happily.

Scully's attention was stolen away from the show to Mulder speaking.

"See, Scully!" Mulder said. "Communism. They tell you when to work, when to play, and when to eat your tubby custard!"

"Mulder, that's insane. I think you've really lost it this time." She sighed.

"The Teletubbies love their tubby custard," The announcer said. "They all get one bowl. And they all get one piece of tubby toast!"

"See--they all get the SAME amount, Scully! COMMUNISM!" He said.

"Mulder, it's to promote sharing!" Scully replied.

"Uh-oh!" The Teletubbies crooned. A pinwheel was spinning and shining and lighting up.

"They're being called in, Scully. Mind control, it's mind control!"

The Teletubbies ran to the pinwheel, where they started to light up.

"They're being rewarded for their faith in the system--now watch this. They'll show an asinine video--but they'll show it twice. I ALSO believe the mind control project is trying to dumb American's down--to make their speech horrible, just like the speech of the Teletubbies themselves."

"Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!" The children in the video screamed over and over, just as the Teletubbies had earlier on.

"See, they mimic them and now they get to make dress up clothes." Mulder said.

By the time they were done talking about glue and feathers, the children had made colorful but hideous costumes.

"I'm a dragon!" A boy yelled.

"I'm a beautiful lady!" Yelled a girl with a hat that had a feather on it.

"YAY!" They all cried, just like the Teletubby.

"Hear how horrible their speech is?"

"Mulder, that's not poor speech, they're just British."

"Call it what you like, Scully, but it's mind control."

They showed the exact same video again.

"They're trying to pound it into your head." Mulder said.

"I agree--but the message is to play like happy little kids, not to be Communists with speech impediments." Scully said.

"Time for tubby bye-bye! Time for tubby bye-bye!" The speaker said.

"Bye-bye!" Each Teletubby repeated over and over until the agents wanted to strangle themselves.

"See, I told you... When to leave, when to eat... Communism. Soon kids will do whatever their parents tell them too." Mulder said.

"That's what they're supposed to do, Mulder!"

"After that, what's next? They'll listen to teachers, authorities... It will ruin the American way! When the Communists want the kids to listen, to spread it to the new generation, they'll be all ears! They'll know when it's time for Commy-toast!"

"So you honestly believe this?" She asked.

"Well what did you learn from it?" He replied.

"Uh, um..." She tried, but there was nothing educational in that whole damn half hour. "Beautiful ladies wear hats with feathers in them." She tried not to laugh.

"You don't think we're on to something?" He asked.

"No, Mulder, I don't. How could those cute little things be promoting Communism? I mean, maybe if the show was made in China or Cuba or even Russia... But it's made by the BBC. They aren't Communists. If ANYTHING, they're simply trying to hook in young children so they can sell them dolls and sneakers and book bags and whatnot. Ever wonder why they say 'Bye-bye' so many times? They want you to buy their stuff. They may be guilty of being greedy--maybe even of subliminal messages, but NOT of mind control. Nothing we should be concerned about."

"So you don't want to investigate?" He asked.

"No, Mulder, I don't. I don't think Skinner wants us investigating, either."

"Yeah, I guess your right. Still, I can't help but think that somewhere out there... The Communists ARE controlling those Teletubbies..."

BBC OFFICES

There are a few men standing around monitors, one of which is showing Mulder and Scully in their office having the very discussion about the Teletubbies. As the agents abandon the thoughts of investigating the Teletubbies, a man with a thick Russian accents walks over to the monitors.

"All goes according to plan, eh comrades?" He asked.

"Yes, yes, they have no idea! Soon they will all be Communists with speech impediments!" Said a man with a thick Chinese accent.

"Communism will reign, my friends, through the Teletubby-mind control project... Nobody will suspect a thing." Said a Cuban man, who looked mysteriously like Fidel Castro. "Cigar, anyone?"

.the end.