Jenna sat staring down at the crying baby. Her body ached. She was so tired. Picking Lulu up for what seemed like the 10th time that morning she pushed her to her sore nipple. As she clamped down Jenna whimpered.

Why did it hurt so much?

So thought breastfeeding was supposed to be a loving experience. Not one where she would bleed and hate.

She wasn't looking down lovingly at the baby. Staring straight ahead instead. Zoning out. Her eyes swollen.

In the past week, she had only managed 4 hours of sleep. Every time she placed Lulu down she would wail. Then she'd want to feed. And just when she thought she was in the clear her diaper would need to be changed.

It shouldn't be like this. The day her baby was born and placed in her arms the new mother had felt a rush of love. But now that fire had died. Jenna had no home, no husband. The girls would visit her tiny studio apartment when they had a chance, but Beccy and Dawn had their own lives to live. Mothering was supposed to be instinctive. If that was the case why didnt she know what the hell she was doing?

She would never admit it but sometimes she'd think of just leaving. Walking out with Lulu still in the crib. Or taking her to a neighbours doorstep and running.

What sort of a mother was she?

She had had no check-ups since leaving the hospital. Funds were low so she couldn't afford the care.

The day the girls had helped her leave the hospital they had gone straight to Earl's place and take what they could of Jenna's things. Neither of them had told him where she was. Kenna feared for her life and her daughters. Even if at times she hated the beautiful baby.

Lulu had just turned a month old. Jenna knew she would have to go back to work soon. Her tiny kitchen only had a loaf of stale bread and she was already scrapping the bottom of the peanut butter jar. But how would she work with Lulu always wanting to suck milk out of her tender breasts?

Just then there was a gentle tap at the door.

Standing up to opening it she had the appearance of a zombie.

"Hey! Oh dear, well you look terrible".

" Hello to you to".

She answered slumping back down onto the musty bed. The springs twanged as Beccy came to join her. Placing a hand on Jenna's shoulder.

"I've made an appointment for you. You still ain't right Jen".

Last time Beccy had visited Jenna was curled up on the floor crying her hand over her ears. Rocking to the sounds of Lulu's sobbing.

"I thought I'd told you not too".

"And I went and did it anyway! Jenna something ain't right."

"Ok. But only to shut you up."

Lulu had moved away from her food and wiggled towards Beccy in her mother's limp arms.

"Come here princess."

She said as she scooped up thr child resting her up to her shoulder starting to bob and rub the infants back.

"I would have done that you know."

"I know."

She whispered still burping the baby.

"When's the appointment?"

Jenna asked rubbing her eyes then stretching her aching muscles.

"In an hour."

Jenna looked up at Beccy wide-eyed as if she had only just been brought back to reality.

"An hours?!"

"I've got Lulu. You go shower and change."

She placed the baby into her crib. Almost immediately her eyes fluttered shut.

Beccy pulled Jenna up by the shoulders forcing her to stand. Then nudged her in the direction of the bathroom. Jenna obliged knowing she had no energy to argue. Shutting the door quietly she sighed. Her friends were so good. They always had her back. One day she would repay them. Somehow.

Chewing her lip she thought back to the money Joe had left her. She had made a promise to herself that she would not touch that money until Lulu was in full-time education. Then she would have time to concentrate on whatever it was Joe wanted her to do.

Looking at her reflection she was shocked at the shadow of a girl staring back at her.

Turning her back to the ugly image she switched on the shower. Stepping inside as soon as the water was lukewarm. The slight warmth in the water wouldn't last for long.

The liquid soothed her aching bones. But sent shock waves through her when it cascaded down her redraw nipples. Scrubbing herself the best she could she went back to the living space. A towel wrapped around her deflated stomach. She still looked fat. Earl would have hated the way she looked now. Her breast was covered in stretch marks. Her belly resembled a popped balloon. He would probably have punished her for it, even though nothing could be done about her appearance now.

Getting changed she kept asking Beccy over and over again if she was sure she could look after the baby. After much reassurance, Jenna left and stepped on the bus to her practise.

Walking down the familiar path to the doctors she held her breath. This was Earl's country. Having not changed practices she still had to go to the same one she had always gone to.

Beccy had assured Jenna the appointment was with a Doctor Alice.

Reaching the reception deck she signed in. Sitting down waiting to be called. The waiting room was empty. Only an old tv cut through the silence. Jenna was just drifting off in her chair when she heard a familiar voice.

"Jenna Hunterson, please."

He stood there leaning on the door, clipboard in hand trying not to make eye contact.

"Er no. There must be a mistake."

She shuffled to him. Trying not to get closer then deemed necessary.

"I'm sorry Jenna"

He whispered. His blue eyes coming into contact with hers.

"Dr Alice is sick. I'm looking after her patients today"

Rolling her eyes she stepped into his office.

"Of course she is!"

Gently he closed the door. Turning back to her he gestured for her to sit.

Jim went round to his side of thr desk. Fiddling with his fingers nervously. Neither of them spoke.

Clearing his throat he lends forward gazing down at the paperwork.

Jenna allowed her eyes to roam over his body as he read. Something she regretted almost immediately. His arms looked strong leaning on the surface in front of him. How can someone have sexy arms? She thought to herself.

"What seems to be the problem Mrs hunterson?"