Your Eyes
Kneeling eight and a half months after the death of Asuma, Kurenai stared at her lover's grave. Could she call him that still? She herself did not know. Her eyes became bloodshot blending with her crimson iris. Kurenai had become more talkative with Asuma's grave. In the beginning she had cried, almost screaming at the stone. Now she counted the days until the birth of their child, with him.
"Asuma, I'm due soon." She pressed her hands slightly below her navel rubbing the bump a part of her. "The little fighter will be able to see the peace you left behind. Won't you?" She spoke to the child inside her. An agreement came with a kick to her right.
"I'll bring him straight here once the doctors approve. I know you will see him from where you are." Kurenai laid the red flowers− she had been growing them for the past months− on the marble.
The auburn sky faded in to the backdrop of the Konoha village letting Kurenai ease. She sat talking to the stone – no to her lover, the father of her child − about their baby: their soon to be born. She was content; even though Asuma gave no reply she knew he was listening. Listening to each word she spoke and watching her still. Kurenai spent the many minutes reminiscing and revealing her plans for the near future.
When the glowing red sun descended lower to touch the horizon, Kurenai's one-sided conversation deepened. It wasn't until she felt a warm presence behind her until she decided to end. "I hope he has your eyes." She whispered, kissed the black engrave on the marble stone saying goodbye.
A pale palm reached out to help the ex-shinobi. It was straining to move around for the pregnant woman from uncomfortable positions but with the months she had become used to it. Pushing her weight onto the adolescent male, Kurenai accepted the offer. He didn't seem to mind the weight and balance he had to hold; he did what he could to help. She thanked him and turned back to the grave and the evening sky.
It was then that both Kurenai and Shikamaru paid their respects, Shikamaru spending a little longer than Kurenai in his silent prayer.
"Have you eaten?" Shikamaru spoke once he had finished speaking to Asuma. Checking Kurenai and the baby's welfare was his top priority for Asuma. Kurenai shook her head in reply to her subordinate. Her stomach growled and her belly kicked in hunger.
Kurenai walked with the adolescent chunin to a nearby buffet where she could eat the nutrients both for herself and the baby. Hopefully she would be joined by Shikamaru's old teammates. She needed company even if they were years younger than herself.
...
Lights in hospitals always were sharp and sent strong pains to the eyes – no matter if you were a patient, visitor or medic. It was the sterile white luminosity they emitted that always stung awakening patients. Kurenai thanked the world that she was only here for an ultrasound check-up.
She never arrived at check-ups alone; Shikamaru would not allow it. When Kurenai assured her safety he would reply that he must keep his word to Asuma. At the rare times he was unable to be there, Shikamaru made sure Kurenai had Hinata – or anyone he trusted. It was the thought Kurenai needed as much help in protecting her child in its vulnerable stages. During the fourth shinobi war Kurenai had to take her regular check-ups though they felt cold without the young beside her.
"Everything seems to be going well." Dr Shussan smiled with her rosy lips. She nodded approvingly at the healthy developed baby in the sonogram. "He should be due anytime soon. Don't worry if he is early or late. Due dates are never exact."
Kurenai nodded at the doctor and slid off the plastic chair with the help of Shikamaru. Kurenai had heard what she wanted to hear: no problems that everything was heading in the right direction. Soon she would have the only thing left of Asuma.
They quickly left the hospital departing ways again – but not without Shikamaru worrying over the little wobbles in Kurenai's walk or his constant concern if she was fine alone. Kurenai chuckled at how much the lazy teen was worrying. In fact he was more scared than the inexperienced mother-to-be.
...
"Kurenai-sensei, have you thought of names?" The patient Hyuuga spoke softly as she felt the kick of the baby with her palm. She had been stroking the naval of Kurenai's stomach with such a gentle mothering touch. Kurenai knew if Hinata ever had the chance to start a life, separate from the shinobi path, Hinata's kind and warm nature would make her the best mother.
Kurenai doubted herself then. She had not been as close to children as she would have liked to. She had been especially distant with her team when they first were brought together when they were young Genin. Kurenai had been led as a shinobi by her father for most of her life that the relationship she had with her mother was vague.
"Yeah! You've gotta give it a strong name, sensei! Like Kiba!" Kiba laughed followed by a bark from his partner bringing her out of her trance.
"Do not be ridiculous, Kiba." Shino drifted, for the first time, into the conversation still hiding in his dark coat and black goggles. "Sensei, needs something honourable."
"My name is both honourable and strong!" Kiba barked defensively at his friend; his cheeks burning under his red triangular tattoo.
Kurenai looked at her team – the same one she had disbanded nearly a year ago but had still kept together strongly and tightly. They had grown so much and if anything their team was stronger when she had disbanded them than if she hadn't. Shino had advanced to Jonin level after the shinobi war which was not unusual. The same level Kurenai was banded into.
"Wow, he's a kicker!" Hinata's hand jerked at the numerous times the baby kicked inside on the walls around him. Kurenai could feel it too but she didn't mind it as she knew he was healthy.
Kurenai looked at the two males who stared at her belly that had grown. She took Kiba's hand and pressed it against the kicks. He had always been reluctant to do so although he didn't say anything. Kiba frowned for a moment unsure of what to do but smile. Nearly he pulled his hand away when he felt the kick. Akamaru barked beside him and her child kicked once more in response to the dog. When she let Shino touch the slowed kicks she could tell he felt happy even behind the high collar and dark goggles.
"Don't worry you'll get to see them all soon." Kurenai soothed her unborn child in the area he was kicking. He slowed down and then stopped to listen to his mother's voice. Her mouth twitched unable to say that her child would not see the one man whom she wanted.
As the team took their leave Kurenai twitched at the cramps in her lower back. She had to rely on asking Hinata to help her back into her home. Once she stood up the pain did not stop once she stretched her body upwards. In fact she found it hard to stand let alone move.
Kurenai hated contractions. She had been getting them frequently during the morning and had scared Shikamaru countless times. This one though was more painful than previous ones.
"In fact could you take me to..." Kurenai took a deep breath before she could finish. "...the hospital." Hinata nodded and let Kurenai place her weight onto her.
"W-wait!" Kiba croaked. Both the boys had no idea in what they should have been doing rigid in their places. "Uh, I mean let Akamaru take you!"
"Kiba, that's unwise. Akamaru has a rather irregular movement not suitable for smooth rides those that Kurenai-sensei needs." Shino embarrassed his friends with his cold words.
"I was offering. I don't know. Anyway it's not like you're an expert!" Kiba flushed trying to redeem himself. Kurenai eased them saying she was fine and that all she was experiencing, for now, were contractions. Even that scared them but they tried to help in taking her to the hospital.
"So if not Akamaru we could always get Choji."
"I worry for you." Shino sighed walking beside his team mate and teacher.
Kurenai had sent the message to Asuma. Their child was arriving.
...
Harsh white lights shone down viciously but what could the ex-shinobi do in her current situation apart from stare straight into them. Time had passed since she had entered the hospital and the nurse confirmed her state of early labour. Although Kurenai's contractions came and went, she was able to practise her rhythmic breathing method.
Looking back at the dark days when Asuma's student stood in front of her bearing all grim news, she had thought of how lonely she would be without her lover beside her. Her future had ended. Even once the subject of abortion had crept into her mind.
In her hand was the firm pale hand that had been with her: his hand only just the same size as her own – in no way darker or bigger than she had liked. Shino had found Shikamaru on the way to the hospital and he had gone white as the snow in the land of Iron. She was never swayed by the beauty of snowflakes; she preferred the silent strong wind stroking her face and swerving in through the red flowers.
That familiar breeze that flew in through the open window.
...
Inhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinha leexhaleinoutinoutinoutinout inoutinout−
"Breath...one and two..." Kurenai crushed the hand of the encouraging speaker. Keeping into the rhythm did as she was told. Did as she had practiced.
She was fully dilated and paid no attention to Kiba fretting in the corner or how Hinata stroke her teacher's hair in a soothing manner. All Kurenai could think of, was seeing the face of her baby and her breathing pattern. She thanked herself for getting an epidural and the cool wind through the open window.
She gave the final push feeling him move from her pelvis. Her limbs trembled in the last seconds of birth. Sweat stuck to her face. Kurenai smiled bending her neck to see Dr Shussan holding her child.
"Your beautiful boy is here." Dr Shussan cooed holding Kurenai's child up for her to see. Kurenai panted.
Her umbilical cord was cut. Her child was taken to the other side of the room to be cleaned and disinfected. A male nurse injected her to help the placenta move out and then proceeded to congratulate her on the birth.
The two different hands she held and crushed smiled back with tears. They did not care their bones may take several days to heal; they looked at their teacher in happiness for her. Shikamaru almost collapsed beside her still holding her hand in disbelief. Hinata stroked her teacher's wet flat hair and her smile trembled with inability to take in what had happened.
All before her child was finally given to her trembling arms.
Despite the four people in the room and the supposed many that would join one was missing. One important man was not there. Everyone knew but no one spoke his beautiful strong name. If they did they were not sure of the reaction and neither did the new mother. Kurenai did not know herself all she could feel was relief, pain, and thirst.
...
"He has your eyes." The first thing that anyone comments about on a new born is the eyes. The eyes signal the new life entering the world. Eyes showed emotion. Character. It gave a hope and a glimpse of one's possible future. If anything beauty was in the eye and the eyes were the key to it.
Kurenai stared at her child she cradled. He indeed had her eyes but she did not want him to have her rare blood-red genjutsu eyes. She wanted – needed – dark heroic ones. Ones that she was able to see him in but all she could see was herself. No matter how many people came in to congratulate her or the coos made to her baby, she did not want those eyes. Slipping a cotton hat on top of his fragile skull Kurenai felt the black hair that would grow to cover his full head. Dark hair just as Asuma had but she too had black hair.
The inexperienced mother gently rocked her week old baby in her arms lulling him to sleep. Stroking tenderly his soft tanned Sarutobi skin she could feel the soft fat beneath his cheek unlike the stubbly hard skin of his father's.
She was being selfish. She knew that but could not help herself. She'd act differently, surely, if Asuma was beside her. If they had the security.
Kurenai stopped.
She had had reached Jonin, few women could reach. Kurenai blinked removing the haze she had clouded herself in. She was strong herself. With her other half – not in name but in heart – not physically there she would make sure his soul would be.
"Asuma, our child is here healthy and warm to hold. I want you to hold him: to feel his soft skin under your tender hands. To whisper in his ear advice only a father can give; to look into his eyes and say the same words you used to say to me. I don't want him to be a shinobi if I could lose him as easily as I lost you but he will be strong, heroic and someone you will be proud to have..."
Kurenai gently places their child on the soft bed, kissing his forehead.
"…one with the will of fire."