Space War Part 1
Setting: Planet Express. The year 3001.
Fry doesn't look much different except for his *ahem* buzz cut. Okay, I guess he does look different. Leela is
wearing her hair down, Bender is attempting to fit in with his fellow
'clubbers' by growing a mustache, Professor Farnsworth can barely get out of
bed, Amy has pierced her nose, eyelids, and bellybutton, and Hermes and
Zoidberg are just plain themselves. And incidently , Fry and Leela are going
out. The crew is relaxing in the meeting room.
Fry:My head hurts.
Bender(tiredly): Then cut it off,
meatball, it'll grow back.
Fry(annoyed): No, it won't.
Bender(gleefully): I know! Just testing
you, buddy.
Leela: Ugh, we must have made ten
deliveries in the last two days. It's a miracle none of us are dead. (glances
at Fry)
Fry: What?
Prof. F.(hobbling in): Good news, crew!
Bender: I'm leaving.
Prof. F.: Oh Bender, hush up. It's not
another delivery; that would have been great news.
Bender(sarcastically): Of course.
Prof. F.: The good news is that there's
an intergalactic feud going on! It seems that the Caalons, the dominant race of
the distant planet Uniosis, have become enraged at the Pluto inhabitants for
using horse-hair for their banjos.
Leela: Their banjos?
Prof. F.: Wuh, that's right, Leela. The
Plutonians enjoy plucking away at banjos.
Fry: U- NY- o- sis? I've never heard of
that place.
Prof. F.: Like I said, it's- buh, wait,
what did I say? Oh yes, that it's a distant planet. They're having a news
special on it right now. Why don't you all get your lazy bodies up and carry my lazy body to the TV?
Futurama Theme
The crew shuffles into the living room.
Morbo is talking.
Morbo: And so ends the story, with the
emotional reunion of the hideous earthling and his family. Now for a more
interesting story. Destruction, demolition, and banjos. Morbo will tell you all
about it. Two days ago . . .
Fry: Damn, we missed it.
Crew: Shh!
Morbo: . . . the 'Plutonians', the puny
Pluto-people, ran out of banjo-making material. And yet, they had a song in
their hearts. So they sent their general, Sggt. Plopatimus, to Uniosis to
retrieve some horse-hair. The outraged replies of the Caalons were numerous. To
quote Caalon Farmer Jed (stiffly), 'those hair-sniffing weasels tramped on our
ground just to make musical instruments.' Here he is, saying that exact quote.
Farmer Jed: Those hair-sniffin' weasels
tramped on our ground jest to make museecal instruments.'
Amy: Those lousy, cheap hair-sniffing
weasels! How could they do that?
Bender: Because they damn well felt like
it.
Leela: Wow, this could really blow up!
Fry: Cool, World War 3!
Zoidberg: Uh, actually Fry, it would be
World War 6.
Fry: Oh. (pauses) That's even better!
Bender: Hey, it's Zapp Bimbo Brannigan.
(points to the TV)
Zapp: Yes, I believe we must fight!
Reporter: Fight who, sir?
Zapp: I don't care! Now, I think the
Plonians-
Kif: Plue-toe-nians, sir.
Zapp: Shut up, Kif. I think they should
be angry because they aren't allowed to make instruments of their choice. And I
think the Calluses-
Kif: That's Cay-lons, sir.
Zapp: Shut up, Kif! I think they should be angry because their horsies were
damaged.
Reporter: Mr. Brannigan, isn't it true
that Pluto is a neutral planet, and probably won't declare war?
Zapp: That's true, but with my wit,
charm, and persuading, Uniosis will
declare war.
Reporter: Those are some pretty
confident words, Mr. Brannigan.
Zapp: Could you write them down
somewhere?
Reporter and Kif sigh.
The Professor shuts off the TV.
Leela(sighs): Well, we all knew Zapp
Brannigan would get himself tangled in another war.
Hermes: I wonder if he really will get
them to declare war?
Fry: I dunno, but it doesn't bother me
as long as we're not involved.
Leela: Fry, the most powerful weapon
base is located on Earth.
Fry: Run that by me again.
Leela: It just means that if there's a
war, we're probably going to be involved.
Bender: Just like in 2879. Boy, was that
a war.
Fry: Why? What happened?
Bender: Ah, the usual. Torpedoes,
missiles, fire-launches . . .
Fry(uncertainly): Fire- what?
Bender: But the scary thing was that the
missiles didn't hit the targets, they-
Leela: Okay, Bender.
Fry(whimpering): Leela . . .
Leela: Don't worry. There will never be
another war like that. Hopefully.
Fry gulps and takes her hand.
Setting: The hospital. Oh no! Fry- he's
dying! GASP- just kidding. The crew is visiting Kammie. At least, Fry and Amy
are. Yeah, Kammie. She took care of Fry when he several concussions. :0)
Kammie: Have you heard about that feud
between Pluto and Uniosis?
Amy: Yeah. Sounds like a boring load of
crap to me.
Leela: It's not a boring load of crap!
There really could be a war.
Amy: Yeah, right.
Leela: Fry, back me up on this.
Fry(shrugs): There's no reasoning with a
rich girl.
Leela gives an exasperated sigh. Fry
pats her on the back.
Fry: Don't worry, I like you even if
you're not rich.
Leela(rolling her eye): Thanks.
Setting: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Fry and
Leela, out on a date, are sitting at a table in the corner. They're near a
newsport (like a TV, only classier), which is a small screen that shows only
important news. Leela is watching it closely, while Fry tries to get her
attention.
Fry: Leela, what the hell are you
looking at? The screen's blank.
Leela(tightly): I'm just worried, okay?
Fry: Yeah, well- what made you so
uptight about this stuff? I mean, what makes you so sure we're even gonna have
a war?
Leela pauses for a moment, then takes a
deep breath.
Leela(slowly) Fry, you know how I used
to be a fate assignment officer?
Fry: Yeah . . .
Leela: Oh man, I never told anybody
this.
Fry(gently): What?
Leela: Well, before that- even before
that, I worked in a club. Was that ever fun. We ran the most succesful business
ever. I was popular, and nobody cared about my eye. Or anything like that. I
was so happy . . . and then one morning, during World War 5, I went off to the
club- and- and it wasn't there.
Fry: What, it dissapeared?
Leela: No, Fry, it was blown away by the fire-launches. And now I- I'm so
afraid that's going to happen again. I can't help it. After that, I had no
choice but to apply for fate assignment officer- they needed more and more of
those. My life just went downhill.
Fry: And then you met me.
Despite her efforts not to, Leela
smiles.
Leela: Right. But I mean, what if it does happen again? I don't know what I'd
do if that happened to Planet Express, and you guys . . .(softly) especially
you.
Fry(reaching for her hand): It won't.
He smiles reassuringly at her. She
smiles back. As they hold hands, Elzar comes up to their table.
Elzar: How's the grub?
Fry: Uh, we haven't gotten our food yet,
sir.
Elzar: Allright, allright! Keep your
shirt on. I'll go get it. (grumbling) Cheapskate.
Leela: I'm beginning to think Elzar
doesn't like us.
Suddenly, the newsport comes on
full-blast. The small screen flickers brightly, lighting up the whole room.
Announcer: Breaking news! Breaking news! Along with Zapp Brannigan's persuasion,
Uniosis has declared war on Pluto! Uniosis has declared war! (his toupee
flies off in excitement) As of three:
fifteen today, World War Six is under way! That rhymes! But, no matter! I
repeat, WORLD WAR SIX!
Everyone at the restaurant starts to talk in excitement
and confusion. Leela jumps up, looking terrified.
Leela: Oh my God! It really is happening!
Fry: Uh, calm down, Leela-
Leela: Fry, it's a war! There's no
calmness anymore! I've been through this all before . . .
She groans and sits back down, putting
her head in her arms. Fry stands uncertainly over her, until she pulls him next
to her, and they hug.
Setting: Planet Express. The crew is
sitting nervously in the meeting room, Leela looking as if she could spring up
and shoot someone at any minute. Fry is sitting warily next to her. The crew is
waiting for the Professor to come in. The only sound is Bender's fingers
drumming on the table.
Leela: Stop it.
Bender ignores her.
Amy(quietly): Maybe you better do what
she says, Bender.
Bender: Maybe you should mind your own
business, smart-ass.
Leela(dangerously quiet): Stop it.
Bender looks at her bloodshot eye,
starts to say something, but then sees Fry shake his head. He stops and puts
his hand down. The Professor comes in, looking tired.
Prof. F.: Allright, you all. As you
know, there's some trouble brewing. Luckily, it gives you a chance to try out
my new-
Fry: Professor, can't we just take off
work? You know, there being a war going on and all.
Prof. F.: Oh my, no. Delivery companies
are very important right now. We need to deliver messages, lasers, bombs . . .
what have you . . .
Hermes: De man's right. Dey need us out
dere.
Leela(shakily): I can't, Professor . . .
Hermes . . . I just can't face another war. All my friends and my whole life-
destroyed in the last one.
Fry puts his arm around her, but she
keeps sobbing.
Prof. F.(frowning): Well then . . .
Amy(to Bender): She's really cracking
up.
Fry(defensively): No she isn't! Oh, and
hey Amy, what a load of crap this turned out to be, huh?
Amy looks away, embarrassed. Leela gets
up and leaves the room, Fry looking after her.
Setting: DOOP Headquarters. Morgan is
pacing the hallway. A man with two heads and a woman with green hair are
following her.
Morgan: Mr. Helop, Ms. May, I don't know
what to do.
Ms. May(stiffly): Well, we're paying you
to know, so you damn well better know.
Mr. Helop: Tell us- how can we get the
necessary amount of weapons to the base?
Morgan: Honestly now, how the hell would
I know?
Mr. Helop: Come on, woman, you're a
beurocrat! I assume you're smart!
Setting: Fry and Leela are sitting on
the steps of the Head Museum, watching ship after ship carry torpedoes to the
base. Leela isn't crying, but just sitting there, barely moving.
Fry: Geez, you'd think we'd be at least
ten feet away from that thing.
The camera pans to reveal a humongous
port a few feet away from the building. Smoke is rising up from it, and
billions of people are loading weapons.
Leela: Yes.
Fry looks at her strangely.
Fry: Leela, I never thought you, of all people, would let this
bother them so much.
Leela: You're right.
Fry: Come on, Leela. Don't let this
break you . . . I don't want it to. You're the bravest person I know.
Leela relaxes a little.
Leela: You're really sweet, Fry. But I
just can't get rid of all the memories. It might seem stupid to you, but it
still hurts.
Fry: It's not stupid, it's just . . .
well . . . (carefully) a little bit less than exactly really sensible.
Leela(slightly annoyed): I see.
Sudddenly, a man's voice comes over a
loudspeaker nearby.
Man: Attention, people. Allright. Now we
have two days to prepare this junk for battle, and by battle I mean trials. So
I need all secretaries, paperbots, and beurocrats to the assembly hall NOW.
Bender(coming out): Hey, losers. Those
guys still diggin' their asses off?
Fry: What? You mean they're building a
giant hole for ships to land in during battle, and like, to use for safety and
shelter?!
Bender points to the opposite side,
where the rest of the crew is tiredly digging a hole with primitive shovels.
Bender's beach equipment is strewn around them.
Bender: Hell, no. I paid them to make me
a beach house. (grins) Minimum wage, of course. A dollar each. Heh heh.
Suckers.
Leela(suddenly): Oh, Bender. You cute
little robot. (lip trembles) I would never let anything happen to you.
Bender(stunned): Wha- but- er- Fry did
it! I swear, it wasn't me!
Leela(turns to Fry): And Fry. You sweet,
innocent . . . loser . . . I love ya! (hugs him)
Fry and Bender look at each other and
shrug.
Leela: Oh, and Nibbler! And the
Professor, and Amy, and Hermes, and that other guy! I'd miss them all so much!
Fry(cautiosly): Leela, I think you need
some rest-
Leela: Take me, war! Spare my friends, and spare the crab. It's better that
way. Don't ruin my life . . . (starts to sob into Fry's jacket)
Bender(slowly backing away): Fry, you-
you just stay there. I've been around this before. You can't take it, and then
you crack. It even happened to me once.
Fry: Really, Bender?
Bender: Sure . . . at my old job, when
my boss told me to- hey, why am I even telling you this? Neve mind. I'm just
saying, when people go mad, they can only go downhill.
Fry gulps.
Setting: In the ship. The Professor has
called the crew for an emergency meeting.
Prof. F.: Allright, first and only order
of business. We have a package of very important fire-launches to deliver to
the Universal Weaponry Federation, or the UWF. (to Fry, slowly) Very important.
Fry: Hey, why do you always act like I'm
gonna screw things up?
Prof. F.: I'm not even going to dignify
that with an answer. Now since Leela's going to be flying the ship, Bender, you
must-
Amy: Uh, Professor?
Bender: Saved by the bimbo.
Fry: Should Leela really fly . . . at
this point in time? (points tro Leela, who is twitching)
Prof. F.: Hmmm. With my hideous safety
recordes and lack of life-saving equipment, maybe you're right.
Amy: Awww, Professor! You'd want to save
us?
Prof. F.: Uh, what? You?… Oh! Of course…
of course I would… (mumbling) When you kiss
my wrinkled ass.
Hermes: Wait, ol' mon. Who's gonna fly
de ship?
Prof. F.: The ship, you say? Wah, I
guess anybody who want-
Fry: I call first shift!
Bender: I call second!
Fry and Bender laugh and slap a
high-five.
Uh-oh.
