Johan sometimes imagines how he would like it to go.
Tenma shows up in the hotel room where he is staying just as he is going to bed. Johan is not surprised to see him. He does not think he would ever be surprised to see Tenma. Rather, it is not seeing Tenma that surprises him every time he turns to look for the man who has become so central to his life and remembers how many worlds apart they are.
He says, "I've been waiting for you."
Tenma says nothing at first. He is not a very talkative man, a little shy. Johan wonders if all the attention and effort he has put into Tenma has made him nervous.
He explains now, that Tenma is like a father to him. That no one ever did anything that meant anything to him until Tenma came along. Anna never did anything to gain Johan's attention; she merely earned it by existing. And all the rest are insignificant ants.
But Tenma, Tenma was the one who chose to resurrect Johan, risking his own career. Johan never knew that someone could choose to help him of their own free will, without long association or careful manipulation leading up to it. He doubts that he could have looked very persuasive or even innocent before the operation: unconscious, limp and bald. Tenma saved him anyways. That is what makes Tenma so important.
In his imagination, Tenma understands that.
Tenma says that he knows. He's been chasing Johan for so long, and he knows exactly what Johan thinks, who Johan is.
Johan feels illuminated, defined in a way he has never felt before. Others have looked at him before this day, but no one has ever truly seen him. Johan has never wanted anyone to see him until now.
Tenma says, "I saw you as a son too, that day that I operated on you. I have never had children" (Johan knows this because he knows everything about Tenma) "but you remind me of the son I never had. You changed my life. You made me better."
Johan never made anyone better except Tenma. Everyone else came away corrupted, except for Anna who has forgotten and run away from everything she and Johan ever were together.
Johan asks, "Am I your son now?"
Tenma smiles. He says, "Yes. You have always been my son."
Johan knows that. He knows that Tenma doesn't know it yet. But that doesn't take away his hope that someday, Tenma will.
"I'm your responsibility, too."
This, Tenma must already understand.
Tenma grows quiet, but he doesn't stop smiling. A father loves his son even when his son has been bad. Johan knows this (he has observed enough families in his time, been a son enough times to parents who were never his real parents, who were never Tenma) but does not understand it. He does not understand how anyone could ever love him the monstrous way he has become.
Tenma says, "This has carried on long enough, Johan."
Johan says, "I know." It should never have happened in the first place.
Tenma says, "Lives are valuable, Johan."
Johan says, "I know." Tenma believes it so it must be true, even though all the humans around Johan look so ugly and wretched, their lives twisted and miserable. Everyone sits around waiting for the day they die.
But for some reason no one wants to die anyways, and Tenma thinks that everyone deserves to live. Tenma is angry at Johan because of what Johan has done. No, he is not angry. But he is sad. He looks at Johan with sad, weary eyes, and says, "You have to stop."
And Johan says, "I can't."
Even in his dreams he knows he could never be the good boy. He's been wicked for the longest time, as long as he can remember. He can imitate good, but he can never be good. That's the way it is.
Tenma says, "I'll help."
They go to the bedroom. Johan is tired. It is nighttime, the only reason he is in the hotel room to begin with. In the day he is out doing one thing or another. Kind of Tenma to drop in at the end of the day when he was not busy but rather had time to spare.
He takes off his shirt. He has an undershirt on, and that is enough to sleep in. Tenma stays in his clothes. He isn't going to sleep. Not yet. He is too fond of the waking world, too in love with life. Johan despises life. He'll never see in it what Tenma does.
Tenma pulls down the sheets and the blanket. Johan climbs into bed.
"I thought to go out with a bit more excitement," he says.
Tenma says, "This way is easier."
Johan is tired, and the easy way sounds nice. He nods and lays his head down on the pillow. Tenma tucks the blankets over him like a good father should. Yes, Tenma will help him go to sleep.
Death is not sleep, is not peace. Johan knows it too well to think that. But he is willing to buy into the lie.
Tenma asks if Johan would like a lullaby.
Johan says, "No thanks." He has never enjoyed music all that much. Tenma doesn't have much of a singing voice anyways. And he wants this over with.
Tenma nods. He looks relieved. Probably knows how bad he is at singing. Probably Eva told him
Johan hates Eva. The fact that he has never killed her is only because she seems so miserable at being alive. And dead, he wonders how much pain she would bring upon Tenma.
Tenma leaves the room. He comes back with both hands full. In one hand is a glass of water. In the other is a gun.
Johan is glad they can be so honest with each other about their intentions. He's never been less than honest with Tenma. Mysterious, sometimes. But he never lies.
"Your choice," Tenma says. "Either will help you sleep." His voice is warm and comforting. It's nice to hear something so familiar. Johan is getting a bit nervous. He's never been killed before. Or does this count as suicide?
"Sleeping pills in the water?" He has some that dissolve.
"More than enough," Tenma assures him. "It could look like an accident to the police."
Perhaps that would be better, since it wouldn't get Tenma arrested.
On the other hand, he doesn't really care. Tenma's come close enough to getting arrested in this mad game of theirs before, and it's his choice to do this anyways. Johan has never worried about getting Tenma in danger. He really is a terrible son.
Johan says, "I'd like a bit more of a bang than that." Even if they are doing this privately in his room.
Tenma lifts the hand with the gun. It lies across his palm, still and gleaming. "This could hurt more."
"I've been shot in the head before."
"This time you won't survive," Tenma says. "I promise."
Of course Johan won't survive this time. After all, there won't be any Tenma around to save him.
Tenma holds the gun with both hands and rests barrel on Johan's forehead (the same spot he always points to), deliberately and carefully, not in a hurry, willing to go slowly in order to get it right. Johan can't meet his eyes. The angle is all wrong. But he looks up and he can see Tenma's chin at least. That's good enough.
"Do it," he says.
He doesn't know what comes after that, for him. He can't remember what the shot feels like from last time, and no matter how many times you see death, you never can know what it really is. He imagines what Tenma will do instead.
The body falls down on the bed, blood staining the white pillow. Tenma readjusts the blanket on top and kisses Johan's forehead, carefully avoiding the red so that he will not have to wipe his lips.
"Sleep well, my son."
/.../.../
/.../.../
AN: Looking through old documents, I've found a couple snippets and short stories that I never posted. Hope you enjoyed.
Gah, I think the reason I didn't post this one was that it was kind of twisted. Anyways, please do review.