THE ASHES TO ASHES MUSICAL
by a slightly mad person who goes by the name of Jazzola, but you might have guessed that
WARNING: NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. Although if the cast and crew of A2A want to re-assemble and film this, I will have no qualms handing it over to them. In exchange for many many hugs and a quick spin in the Quattro. (Purdy please?)
Everything in italics is song. For those who don't sing, falsetto/soprano is high, mezzo-soprano is slightly lower, and tenor is low. There are more in between those, but I've tried to keep the technical terms to a minimum, only being an opera singer I couldn't resist a couple.
By rights, tonight should be like every other night at Luigi's. Pints should be flowing, farts should be being lit, and drunken pranks should be being played, with Luigi bustling about like a waistcoated mother hen (plus a moustache) and Gene quietly flirting with Alex in the corner, re-filling her glass whenever her back is turned, ordering her upstairs when her gaze becomes too blurry to focus on him and glaring at any nearby man unfortunate enough to be wearing braces.
This is not the case tonight.
The restaurant is uncharacteristically quiet and sedate, only the squeaking of Luigi's towel on a pint glass and the odd click of fingers from the corner seat to break the suffocating silence. Ray, Chris and Shaz are clustered round their table, exchanging only looks and punches, as though a single word will bring the roof down on their heads; Alex, busily propping up the bar, has her back determinedly to them and one hand permanently curled around a half-full wineglass. Gene, surliest of all, is draped over the table in front of him, head on his arm, fingers round his pint glass.
The rest of CID are conspicuous by their absence.
Luigi, his eyebrows drawn together in his oh-so-Italian look of concern, quietly sidles closer along the bar to Alex, eyes darting between her and his other patrons; the empty wineglass promptly pushed back at him tells him everything he needs to know, and he wordlessly turns away to refill it, sliding it back along to her and watching with some concern as she lifts it to her lips and downs the whole thing in one.
Leaning closer, Luigi lowers his voice, hoping to have a quiet word…
"Signorina Drake, what is wrong, why you sad…
Why am I singing, have I gone mad?"
Utter silence.
Alex raises her head, revealing purple-ringed, strained eyes, reaching out to lay her hand on Luigi's cuff; Ray, Chris and Shaz gape, Chris managing to spill his pint all over his mate as he grabs at Shaz's arm, and Gene in the corner actually opens his eyes to see what is going on.
"I don't know why, Luigi, it seems so wrong-
But for some reason everything we say comes out as song!"
Luigi clutches one hand to his chest, the other steadying himself on the bar; Gene resists the instinctive urge to make some wisecrack about indigestion, gulping beer down to busy his mouth before he embarrasses himself.
"Everything?"
"Everything!"
"EVERYTHING!"
Having unintentionally broken into rather feminine falsetto trying to yell at everyone, Ray slams his hand over his mouth, downing half his pint glass to try and wash away the taste of music. Shaz rolls her eyes.
"We came here last night and the moment we talked
We sang- I think that's why the rest of CID has walked.
We don't know what to do, and we don't know how to cure
This curse- the detectives are puzzled for sure!"
Luigi is doing a sterling impression of a goldfish, his mouth wide open, staring at Shaz as she grimaces and takes another sip of wine. Alex shakes her head.
"We came here tonight in the hope it would have gone
But it's back with a vengeance and we're all woebegone.
And all the other boozers in London Town
Are exactly the same- we all look like clowns!"
"Speak for yourself, Drakey- some of us have sense
Enough to keep our mouths closed…"
Gene claps a hand over his mouth, looking horrified. Alex smirks.
"Well Guv, that was dense."
His glare is nicely offset by his now roasting red cheeks.
"I want to have a quiet drink, why is that so hard?" Ray sings mournfully, gaze fixed on his beer.
"But this curse comes along, I end up like some nancy bard.
We all sound like idiots, and that includes you Guv-
Chris, if you don't stop laughing, I'll give you a shove!"
"Sorry Ray, but it's true, you sound like a twonk.
It's like you were when you tried to talk to that busty plonk-"
"What plonk is this?" Alex and Gene sing in perfect harmony, glancing round at each other and promptly finding the walls of the restaurant incredibly interesting. Shaz smirks.
"She came to CID on Wednesday to return my coat,
And when Ray tried to ask her out he sounded like a stoat."
Chris sniggers; Ray kicks him beneath the table.
"Oh, shut up, don't you start! And yeah, I got her number too.
It's you who's behaving like some little kid at the zoo.
Just 'cos Shaz has to tell you which hole you should put it in.
Jesus I hate this singing, patience is wearing thin…"
"Not that you had very much to start with, Ray.
You know, singing falsetto is pretty bloody gay…"
"Shut it, Guv! Just 'cos you ain't had it away
With Drake tonight yet-!"
The grin stretching Gene's face promptly vanishes at the knowing looks from Ray, Chris and Shaz; Alex at the bar hurriedly turns away.
"No idea what you mean…"
"What could make you say…"
Shaz, exchanging an exasperated look with Luigi, decides to take over, eyes glinting as they flick between her red-faced superior officers.
"You really think that I haven't noticed by now?
I could understand that for the blokes, but how
Long did you think you could keep it under wraps?
It didn't take much effort to see through the gaps!"
"The gaps in my bloody blinds, I've no doubt-
Have you no shame, Granger, sneaking about?"
Alex, a flush creeping up her neck, gives up on the wineglass and grabs a fresh bottle from behind the bar, yanking the cork out and pouring it straight down her throat. Gene is shuffling uncomfortably in his chair, picking his pint up and slamming it straight back down again, trying and failing to stop his cheeks cooking under Shaz's scrutiny.
"What, you mean the Guv an' Drake are, like, an item?"
Chris sounds even dopier than usual in song, but at least his voice isn't too high. Ray glares.
"That's right, Chris- but they're so sweet, so please don't spite 'em!"
"Who you callin' sweet, Granger? I'll have you know
Your Guv's a shining example of machismo.
So you just keep your bloody nose out, OK?"
"Well, Guv, shagging Ma'am on your desk was a dead giveaway…"
Even Luigi's music goes silent in the awkward silence following Shaz's pronouncement.
"I can't believe I just sang that…" Shaz whispers, eyes wide.
"Me neither…" Chris is strawberry-red.
"Me neither…" Ray, on the other hand, is gleefully planning tomorrow's jokes for CID already. And in perfect harmony with Chris, so he shuts up very quickly.
"Shut it!" Gene and Alex's flawless duet only makes Shaz laugh.
"Look, you two, now the cat's out of the bag,
Why don't you go upstairs and have a- meal together?"
"Nice save," Ray mutters, swigging back his pint to hide his shit-eating grin.
Luigi, the twinkle in his eye all too visible in the dimmed light of the trattoria, quietly takes a bottle of wine from behind the bar and plonks it down in front of Alex, raising his eyebrows at her conspiratorially. Alex, sighing far too loudly for her despair to be plausible, picks it up, motioning to Gene as she slings her jacket round her shoulders and heads for the stairs.
Gene doesn't bother with a reply, simply quirks half a smile at Luigi and follows her, coat pulled tight over his midriff to conceal the not-quite-police-issue blunt weapon hiding within.
Outside Luigi's, a red-haired girl clutching a yellow notepad grins to herself, crouched behind a parked car so as to observe Gene and Alex heading up the stairs beside the trattoria unseen, Gene's hands firmly on Alex's arse, Alex's fingers caressing the bulge now visible in his trousers.
"I reckon they'll be alright from there on in. Just needed a gentle push and it'll all work out."
"I thought you were shipping Sam/Gene at the moment? I remember Sam. He was fun," the young blonde-haired girl beside her replies, clutching her clown to her chest almost protectively. The redhead considers.
"It's fun to dabble in, but I'll always prefer Galex. Besides, Sam only has a single bed, Alex's is definitely big enough for two…"
A sound somewhere between a yelp and a gasp floats out of the open lounge window of the flat. The Test Card Girl raises her eyebrows.
"Evidently."
"But anyway, that's my work done," the redhead concludes, flipping her notepad shut and clipping the pen into the spiral binding. "I'd best be off, I've got other fics to update, brothers to tell to shut up, all the normal stuff. Nice meeting you."
The Test Card Girl inclines her head, a smile on her face for the first time.
"Oh, just one thing, Jazzola. Are you going to lift the curse and stop them singing?"
Jazzola cocks her head to one side, silently observing her blonde companion, an evil smirk growing on her face. The grin on the Test Card Girl's face grows.
"Not tonight…"
And with that, Jazzola walks off, a quiet rendition of Life on Mars floating behind her as a rhythmic creaking echoes out from the flat and the Test Card Girl pulls a piece of chalk from her pocket, sitting on the pavement cross-legged for a game of noughts and crosses.
A/N: I couldn't resist a little self-insert. I thought I deserved it, I've lost a whole load of weight for my cousin's wedding and it has most definitely not been a walk in the park. Normally I'd treat myself with a cake, but that's kind of defeating the object of losing weight… anyway. Hope you enjoyed, and the dog now pestering me for attention will come and lie on your legs if you don't review. Jazzola *mwahahaha*