"So Thessia huh? Guess the asari wish they had fewer dances and more commandos right about now" said Joker looking at her " Too soon?"
Shepard couldn't believe it. Thessia had been the worst failure in her life, apart from dying. She still felt the excruciating pain of having to admit to the asari Councilor, that because of her, Thessia had fallen to the Reapers. She wasn't supposed to fail, to give up, to feel defeated. She shouldn't be feeling that the weight of saving the galaxy was threatening to tear her apart.
"In case you hadn't noticed, we just lost a few million people. This isn't the time" said Shepard with grim countenance and anger in her eyes.
Joker started sweeping files in his terminal, until it was locked on the view of a small planet
"You see this?" he asked shifting in his seat "Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass end of nowhere. My dad lives there. So does my sister" his voice filled with barely contained emotions as he continued "Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago"
He remained silent while the scan showed the Reapers hovering over the little colony. A terrifying and disheartening picture.
She didn't know what to say. She wasn't used to Joker openly speaking about his life, about him. In another time she would have given her right arm to being able to peek in his privacy, to being able to sense the closeness of sharing the random facts that made him who he was. But those times had passed. She wasn't willing to keep being rejected, or try harder that she already had. She was fighting a battle for the survival of the galaxy and she didn't have the strength to keep trying to bring down his barriers.
"So you can assume that I'm generally aware there's a war on, Commander" said Joker almost spitting out the words, taking umbrage at her assumptions of him
"So why the jokes?" asked Shepard walking away from him, pondering what he could tell her, ire still running in her veins.
"Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you are under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz" he answered turning around with a glowering face "Like, more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus 10 000 batarians trying to kill you" now he had started he realized he couldn't stop. He couldn't take it anymore "Like, more than Torfan, where you put your whole damn squad through a meat grinder. Like, more than Akuze, where thresher maws ate the rest of your squad. And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you" he said pointing a finger at her while his face showed the entire hidden wrath he had being carrying for so long "The guy leading the resistance, on Earth! Is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help".
He had being at her side from the beginning, always loyal to her, suffering in silence watching her throw herself at the most dangerous situations the galaxy had to offer. There had being a time when she had opened to him, confiding him her fears and hopes, times when she had used to fell asleep resting her head on his legs, while he piloted the Normandy through the silent space. It was more than he could've hoped for and he couldn't have asked for more. He hadn't dared to ask for more.
"I appreciate the thought Joker, but I'm fine" she was saying, dismissing him completely. Shepard didn't need to hear this, she was already aware of the fact that she was living nightmare after nightmare, without anyone to help her, wanting to scream and trying to escape, feeling the void closing in on her, completely alone. She wanted to believe Joker's concerns were born out of something else than mere friendship, but she knew better. She had already made that mistake once.
"The hell you are. You're like half robot at this point. No offense EDI" he said at the AI "and it's my fault" yep, there it is, Shepard thought, just remorse "When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave … Because you had to come back for me" his voice was almost a whisper. He knew that this was just the tip of the iceberg, that he was withholding the real reason of his anger and frustration, unable to tell her … to tell her-
"Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?" said Shepard shrugging her shoulders, completely indifferent to the angst in his voice.
"Yeah well… I guess that would've looked bad in your report" he said trying to hide the disappointment in his voice, spinning his chair to face the controls. There he was, almost trying to open himself to her, and she was acting like if she couldn't care less.
"C'mon. We've work to do" he heard her saying.
As she left the cockpit, a burning anger spread through her body. Who did he think he was to talk to her like that? Did he really think she needed to be reminded the tremendous amount of stress she was dealing with day after day? Yeah, there was a time when they had been close, but she had realized that it didn't matter how much she silently offered to him, he was never going to reward her with what she longed the most.
And now, he tried to play the concerned card, as if this was the time or place. A bitter laugh resonated in her brain. She went up to her cabin to change into her civvies, fucking Joker! She had already accepted the reality of their relationship, and having him showing a real interest in her instead of make her happy, made her want to punch a wall.
Wanting to calm herself she went to the mess hall for a cup of coffee, just to find out that some idiot had used the last ounce of coffee of the open bag, now she should have to open another.
"Fuck, shit, fuck, FUCK!" she punched the counter as if it were the culprit of the hole she felt in her stomach.
"You know you can always open a new bag, right?" it was Joker who was talking to her, sitting in one of the chairs. She had been so absorbed thinking about him that she hadn't saw him. Fuck you Joker!
"Gee, that's very smart of you, thank you savior. I wouldn't have been able to figure it out by myself" she said rolling her eyes, her tone too caustic for him to ignore it
"Cut the crap ok Commander?" he said, standing up and starting to walk towards her "If you don't want me to talk to you, or say shit to you, just say it Shepard, but don't unleash your passive aggressive shit on me"
"Well maybe I don't want you to talk to me Joker, and you can say Anderson that I can take care of myself. Being doing that since I was born, y'know? And you know what? Fuck you! Is that passive aggressive enough for you?" she yelled, completely out of her senses. She had had this feeling oppressing her heart for more than two years. She hated how his presence made her feel; the shine in his emerald eyes; she hated the stupid hat he used every single day, because it had become something she longed to see after every battle; she hated his sense of humor that always tried to disguise the lack of closeness that once existed between them; but what she hated the most was that she couldn't stop thinking about him after two fucking years.
"At least you are clear now. I'm tired of having this… this… thing we have" he yelled back "Just for you to know, I never wanted to stop being your friend Shepard" if she wanted to stop talking to him, he was making damn sure to tell her she was the one to blame for whatever happened between them "It was you the one who pushed me out of your life, you shut yourself down to me!"
"Are you fucking serious?! You, the one who dismisses everyone with a joke, are complaining about me shutting down to you? When you never let me in in the first place!" Calm down, calm down, you are gonna give yourself away!
"What do you want me to say?! That I'm sorry?! That I regret it?!" he knew she had a point, but he was too stubborn to admit it. Truth was that when she walked away from him, he had felt lost and empty; he craved for her presence and the familiarity she had with him, the long nights watching movies, playing videogames, talking until they fell asleep next to each other. Going back to the Normandy had been a living hell, having her so close yet, so far.
"Maybe I want to hear it! Maybe I deserve it don't you think?" She was starting to feel a tingle of nervousness beneath her rage. He was closer and closer to her as the yelling continued.
"Why? Why good is it to you? Why now? To feel better with yourself? To know that you were right?! That I'm a crippled asshole who can't make friends?" He knew he was almost invading her personal space but he couldn't help it. Whether if he was angry or not, he was still drawn to her as a moth to the light.
"To know that you cared about me! To know that I wasn't an idiot for thinking you really cared about me!" his proximity was starting to affect her, she could smell his cologne and she felt muzzy.
"What you are talking about Shepard?! Of course I cared about you, I still do! What that has to do with anything? Why do you care about that?" he was so close to her, he felt her breathing in his face; it was intoxicating. He wanted to escape; he didn't know how long he would be able to control himself, to not say something that he would end up regretting.
"Because it matters to me" she said in a low sad voice, she couldn't keep fighting against what she felt. She had tried to stay away from him, for this exact reason; she knew she wasn't strong enough to stay silent if he was close to her. Sighing she said "Look Joker, forget it ok? I was upset; I shouldn't have said all the things I said"
"Forget it Joker? The hell I am. Maybe you were angry but you really wanted to say all these things" he knew she didn't want to fight anymore, she wanted to leave and he couldn't allow it. This was the closest he had been of her in a long time and he craved for it. Risking losing his arm he grabbed hers.
His touch caused goose bumps on Shepard's body. She didn't know what to do anymore; she wanted to give up, to scream at his face what she had buried inside. All the pressure of the demanding task she was facing, the loneliness she felt, the pain of losing him, broke the dam she had built in her.
Hot tears fell down her cheeks, making Joker's heart to ache. He wanted to say something but this was something he wasn't expecting at all, Shepard ripping his arm off? Yes, Shepard crying? Definitely not.
"I'm sorry Jeff" he was startled when she called him by his name "I'm really sorry…"
He knew there was something hiding in her words, in her tone, but he couldn't grasp it. In desperation he held both of her arms shaking her softly.
"What are you sorry for?" he asked in a strained voice "Tell me!"
She finally looked at him, staring into his eyes with that warm gaze he missed so much
"I'm sorry to have pushed you away" she said softly "I'm sorry because that was the last thing I wanted to do…" she muttered
"Then why Shepard? Why? I don't understand!" she was driving him insane, he couldn't help but to raise is voice
"Because…" I can't tell him, I can't! He will run away! "Because…" I have to! I'll die anyway!
"Please, Shepard…" he was almost begging her
"Because I fell in love with you Jeff…" she could feel her cheeks getting warmer and warmer, being painfully conscious of the look he was giving her "I fell in love with you and… and I knew you weren't on the same page and that's fine but I just, I just couldn't take it anymore" she broke free from his grip, wiping her tears off. He had won and she didn't have more to say, so turning around she started to walk away.
Joker was speechless. She had told him what he had wanted to hear since he met her on the SR-1 and he was still standing there watching her walk away from him. When he wanted to react, it was too late. She was gone.
Not this time.
Walking towards the elevator, he pushed the number of Shepard's quarters. He knew she wouldn't go anywhere with puffy eyes and feeling so vulnerable. He had being an asshole all this time, a coward for not telling her she meant the world to him, that without her, all the battles they would fought were already lost.
When he got there, Shepard was standing outside, leaning on the rail. She turned around when the elevator's door opened.
Without saying a word, Joker walked towards her and imprisoning her between him and the wall; he kissed her, gently, savoring every single sensation transmitted to his body. Breaking the kiss he pressed his forehead against hers.
"Don't push me away" he whispered against her mouth "… We are on the same page"