Chapter One; Work and Peace
I don't own South Park, or any of the charactars contained within, nor do I own Red Bull. Don't sue me! This is as you can see my first work here, don't be too harsh on me please.
Calming vapours lazily drifted from a pot of slowly burning incense, filling the musty air of the cramped councillor's office with a sense of relative tranquillity, as it's only occupant, a conspicuously bulbous headed man in his late forties, finished u
Calming vapours lazily drifted from a pot of slowly burning incense, filling the musty air of the cramped councillor's office with a sense of relative tranquillity, as it's only occupant, a conspicuously bulbous headed man in his late forties, finished up his days work. Withdrawing a plain cheese roll from his tidily arranged workbag, he thanked the lords of psychiatry for diagnosing Craig Nommel with Tourettes disorder, removing the one person standing between him and a quick and painless cruise to retirement, and prepared himself for the familiar taste of cheddar as he set his teeth to the bread.
An unexpectedly bitter sensation filled over his tongue, disgusting the poor man enough to stop his eating and, peeling open the remainder of his daily dairy allowance, peered within to a shocking discovery. "Wenslydale?" he scowled "I only eat Wenslydale on Wednesdays; this'll throw my whole week out of balance." Thinking hard, he chose to dispose of his food in a confiscated pencil case until the time was right, but pondered hard on ways he could make this difficult situation more mmmkay.
A little something unfortunately prevented him from finishing up with his thoughts, at least, for a little while. A little something with a crazily unkempt mop of straw for hair and a set of clothes that hung like badly hung curtains from his scrawny, flailing limbs, who crashed head-first into his thin wooden door with a violent thud, recoiling momentarily to the dusty ground before shakily dusting himself, checking over his shoulder for unseen spies, tearing open the door and rushing into the office. The moment he recognised Tweek, Mr. Mackey mentally sighed that he wasn't being paid for nothing after all, and opening his notebook, prepared to be tortured with another painfully obscure way his whole family could die.
"Oh my god man I'm not sure If I should tell you this, you could be one of them and if you found out I knew I'd wake up on the bottom of the sea with a concrete waistcoat if I ever woke up at all but they're gonna get me anyway, where's my coffee gone, I can't let them do this to the world, I have to tell someone, are you listening to me sir, please, I need you're help!" Mackey tried in vain to comprehend the senseless squeak flying from the hyperactive mouth of the equally hyper boy, before sliding his half-filled mug of tar across the desk, sacrificing coffee for a greater cause.
Cautiously stretching through the wooden barrier between them, Mackey placed his calming hands on Tweek's shoulders, noting the boy'd already drowned himself in the caffeine. Calmly but firmly he whispered in the caffeine crazed kid's direction; "calm down, mmmkay, it's alright now. Tell me what Cartman did to make you into a crazy little illegitimate monkey child this time, mmkay?"
"B-but, it's not mmkay man! They're gonna get me, and get you too, if you aren't one of them that is! They're gonna make us wish we had super aids or something else that'd kill us with all the pain, so we wouldn't have to live through their sick coffee-killing mind games man, GAH!" His shrill cry did nothing to unnerve Mackey; after all, he'd heard it all before almost every day for the past three years. Before Mackey could open his lips to inquire for a fuller explanation another exclamation shot from the blonds' mouth "their going to put the coffee industry out of business!"
"Who?" Macky mocked that genuine intrigue into Tweek's troubles. Actual interest generally leaves a councillor after a few years with the average kid, or days with a boy like Tweek.
"You know, them, the people who'd do anything for money!"
"That doesn't narrow down the suspects much, mmmkay."
"Agh! I nearly forgot everyone was only out for my money, and they'll kill me when they find out I don't have any! But even you shrinks aren't as bad as these guys, they don't just sell drugs to school kids, they sell us caffeine! That's how bad they are man!"
Confusedly scratching at his loose hairs, Mackey asked the obvious question "I thought you liked Caffeine?"
"Love it man, but these dudes, they've corrupted caffeine's good name! They make it look like it turns you into a paranoid junkie or something, when it's the only thing that keeps people sane, or as sane as people can be when they aren't trying to cut my heart out for a lunchtime snack. They're gonna put coffee out of business and monopolise the market for caffeine!"
Fighting hard not to get annoyed with the crazy monkey, Mackey leant in and asked one last time "who in Sam heck is doing all this?"
Almost throwing Mackey out of his chair as he jumped towards his ear, Tweek shrouded his face with his over-cleaned hands, whispering the name of his great foe as quietly as his caffeinated blood would allow. "The Red Bull company man!"
"How did the Red Bull company come into this?" Before the worlds left his mouth, Mackey knew he'd made the biggest mistake of the day. Mentally slapping himself for it, he listened for the inevitable rant.
"Gah! Have they sent gnomes to steal your memory or something? It's like I just said, they're selling caffeine, but it's not in coffee! Do you know what that'll do to our business, Harbucks will kick us out on the street and we'll starve and die like Kenny does every week!"
"Harbucks is the most powerful dictatorship on the planet since the Kennedy Reich. No one could bring them down, not even you're dad's mind-melting metaphors. Don't loose you're faith in coffee, mmmkay?" Mackey in his frustration, confused himself by saying.
Looking to his charge, he wasn't shocked to see him curled up in the corner of the room, a ball of worry, worrying his shirt half off his frame. "They're gonna give caffeine lovers a bad name, make people think we're all cuckoo, make me loose my job as the class crazy! They put so much of the good stuff in there, it isn't even good anymore, I never thought I'd say this but, they make caffeine evil! They probably put crack in there as well, that'd explain why it doesn't calm people down or anything, and why it's so addictive it'll steal all coffee drinkers away! We're doomed!"
Quickly intervening to stop the boy bashing his skull in on the desk (and to preserve his retirement fund from the greedy hands of whoever sued him for that), Mackey replied with the obvious "why don't you just make it mmkay by drinking their red bull and selling it in your shop? Mmmkay?"
Stunned to hear something that made sense, enough not to bash his brains in on the floor, Tweek's mind worked hard to find a reason why he couldn't turn to the blood-red side. It'd save his family, and his mind. But did he really want to end up a junkie, living a hollow existence to satisfy his cravings? And what would god do to him when he found out he'd betrayed coffee, he'd probably think he was a Mormon and invite him into heaven; there's no coffee in Mormon heaven, his immortal caffeine supply was in danger! Mentally screaming at the thought of an eternity of plays about making paper hats and pressure-filled craft sessions without caffeine, Tweek noticed too late that he'd pulled out a handful of his golden hair. "It's way too much pressure to look directly into the Osmond's shining teeth man, besides, it'd be unethical to turn my back on coffee now. The gnomes would never let me live if I was a traitor like that!"
"Mmmkay, that Osmond hate seals it, you're one heck of a sick puppy. I suppose now's as good as good a time as any to take the craziness away, it's not like I have anything better to do, mmkay, now my cheese has gone all ginger on me and all, mmkay." Confusing Tweek as much as he confused anyone else for a few milliseconds, Tweek decided he thought what Mackey had decided on and dived to his ankles, clinging on like he was a giant mug of Columbia's finest or the last pair of pants in the draw.
"Don't take me away to the crazy farm, they don't have coffee there, Kyle told me they don't. Even if they did I'd burn myself to death trying to drink it with my hands all tied back, and I'd be helpless to resist the gnomes! Gah! And who'd stop the Red Bullies? No one! They'd kill us all man, it's so much pressure to stop them, but man! Someone needs to! Gah! "
Finally interested in something Tweek said, Mackey almost changed his mind to go with what Tweek unwittingly proposed. Realising how well his last commitment order went down after he almost stopped the salvation of Commercialism on Christmas, Mackey answered Tweek with his real plan, his real plan to get rid of this week's delusional fear at least.
"Come in on Saturday, mmkay, I've got something special to show you that'll change you're life forever, I hope"
"I knew you wanted to rape my tight mad ass!" Clasping his hands over his mouth for the damnable obscenity, in front of a paedophile teacher at that, Tweek began to back to the door as quick as his little legs would carry him, tripping over his feet in time for Mackey to explain his plan in full, saving his loose old ass from jail.
"We're going to the Red Bull factory, to see just how evil these 'monsters' really are, and that's that, mmkay?!"