Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot
A/N: Angsty-ness. XD I couldn't resist. A piece of advice, though- do NOT listen to Light's Theme from the Death Note Soundtrack, it is uber-depressing. I almost cried listening to it... its so Light. I got the feeling that all that crap Light did, he didn't do because he was bored or whatever it was that crappy reason he gave...
Dedicated to:
Anyone in need of a hug.
I really hope you're not lonely...
But if you do, just know that you're not all alone
And that there's someone who knows what your feeling..
Rain
It rains.
It always rains in torrents like this.
I think about the only man I had befriended even if it was only a façade.
I had never had friends before. It was so cold when it rained. Not even fake friends.
It pours outside, raindrops smattering against my window, shining like molten silver before dripping off.
I close my eyes and sigh. What is this feeling? This feeling at the pit of my stomach, gnawing at the bottom of my heart. I worry for a moment that it's a physical ache in my chest and then I realize its not. It's emotional.
I shake my head and open my eyes. It's nothing. Its just boredom. I'm just waiting for things to start up again or get a move on. I have to do something. That's all.
I always feel like this when I think of him. Something about the things he used to say, the things he used to do, I just know, if there were ever a chance to see him again, he would never forgive me for slaying him, never forgive me for winning.
There were no rules to a game like this, I thought, flicking my hair out of my eyes. There was life and death and those strong enough or smart enough to survive either or both. It was all about luck. Had the notebook fallen in different hands… had things that day been slightly different, who knows? Maybe Ryuk would've gone back irritated. Maybe I would've found it eventually.
Every possibility had a million other possibilities. Myriad worlds full of possibilities.
But one thing was for sure. I wouldn't be as… satisfied as I am today. I am not happy, I won't be until Kira rules over the world, for those are the conditions of winning, those are the boundaries and rules of the game. I wouldn't be half the man I am today.
Loneliness is a maddening thing.
They say a man's mind is his last sanctity- its also the place he goes to hide, the place he goes to die.
With a mind like mine, had I not turned it loose on the world, it would've devoured me from within. Would I have been satisfied as a top-rank university student, a model, kind, helpful older brother, a proverbial, perfect son, a hard-working employee, a content, providing family man? No, I would've gone crazy with the need to do something with myself.
I would've died knowing I was nothing- nothing more than another being on this planet. Someone who existed and never lived.
I'd rather kill than die like that.
I'd rather not have been born at all.
Say L, I say in my head, his voice has never quite left me. it takes on the role of the annoying conscience that occasionally niggles the back of my head when I'm using Misa, or lying to my mother or Sayu, or killing off the more petty criminals.
Say, would you forgive me for doing this because I was lonely, not because I was bored?
Would you understand if I told what it felt like knowing the world would turn with or without you, if the sun would rise and set no matter what happened to you, that the rain would fall, pour in torrents…
And you were just somebody.
Understand, of course, forgive, never.
It really hurts- the bottom of my heart. It's like a heavy weight on my chest. I feel like I can't swallow- my breathing is fine, it's definitely not a heart attack.
Maybe in the silence of the night, with the rain pouring outside in torrents, maybe no one will notice if I shed one tear. Just one tear and the weight on my chest will get lighter, it'll ease up and I'll be able to breathe easier.
It's stupid, I think, flicking the only tear the drips out of the corner of my left eye towards the window. Its stupid how much easier crying makes things feel. Just one little tear. All the beings on the planet, they mourn. In my struggle to be different I've ended up exactly the same.
My tear drips down molten silver, indistinguishable from the raindrops dripping down the glass tainted inky blue by the clouds in the sky. No one would know.
And for the first time their ignorance of me felt good.
Say L, does it rain in heaven?
Because I'm sure you're in heaven. But it can't rain, when rain is something so cold, so mercilessly lonely, and so brutally painful. It can't rain in heaven, can it?
When I start thinking like this, I realize I've spent too long doing nothing. I almost get up, but I decide a few more moments of anonymity, of being Light Yagami, the boy who tried to do right by everyone and ended up this selfish, twisted man, it's alright.
Its alright to be Light Yagami for a few more moments. Let Kira daydream in the background.
I think about the only man I befriended even if it was only a façade.
It always rains in torrents like this.
It rains.