Title: I'll Live
Author: HC Tuson
Email: D2167@Truman.edu
Category: JC/SL
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Season 8
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They belong to WB. I do not profit from this.
Author's Notes: This is my first ER fanfic. This is my first fanfic. I think this is the first creative thing I have ever written.
Summary: Carter tries to run from his problems after Susan finds out about his past drug problem, but doesn't look both ways first. Season 8.
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I'll LiveThe moment he knew that she knew, everything changed.
Susan noticed it immediately. He avoided her eyes; he tried to avoid her altogether. He still treated her kindly, though. Anyone else would have never noticed the transformation. He was still Carter.
Today he had to tell a young woman she was very sick. He sat with her, held her hand, and told her all he could before sending the family upstairs. As the elevator doors closed he turned around. His eyes were closed and he let out the breath he must have been holding.
"Hey," Susan said, "tough case?" She had been watching Carter a lot today. It had been a week since she found out.
He walked over to the admit desk. His hand was rubbing his eyes but he quickly ran it through is hair. It made no difference. He had gotten a haircut a couple days ago. It was the shortest Susan had ever seen it.He HH
"Yeah," He said, not elaborating. He smiled. Susan knew this smile by now. It wasn't the smile he had given her when she first came back. It was the 'please leave me alone' smile, the smile that said 'I'm fine' when he really wasn't.
Susan missed the real Carter smile. The way he always looked up to her with his eyes. Carter must have been a foot taller, but he was always looking up to her. He would put his head down so he had to. He smiled like this at her, sheepishly. That was before she knew.
So he didn't want to play with her anymore. He didn't confide in her about cases. He was still Carter.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Has anyone seen Weaver?" He had just come out from another exam room. "Abby just told me she's looking for me."
"I just saw her in the lounge," Luka offered.
'Great,' Carter thought. He had an idea about what this was about. They were short doctors and he was off in ten. He was trying to think of some excuse to not be able to stay as he approached the door to the lounge.
"Hey Carter, Have you seen the . . . ," Susan started. Carter had reached the door to the lounge, his hand dropped from the doorknob as he turned his head slightly to face Susan.
Susan's question was cut off as the lounge door swung open, dramatically and very Weaver-esque, hitting Carter.
He stumbled back and his face twisted in pain and shock. His hand went up to his left temple, where the door had struck him. An uninhabited wheelchair tripped him up as he stumbled backward and he ended up flipping over it onto the floor.
He got up quick as people started to gather and put on the Carter smile, his face turning red.
"Carter!" Weaver yelled, realizing he wasn't hurt.
"Yeah, uh . . . Dr. Weaver, you wanted to see me?" Carter managed to bumble out. His head hurt but he was more embarrassed. The people who had at first gathered with looks of concerns on their face were now laughing and turning away to their business, mumbling their 'that's Carter for ya' lines.
Weaver gave him her spiel, and Carter was too disoriented to object. He was left scratching his head in the middle of the hallway, trying to figure out what just happened.
"How's your back?" Carter spun around to see Susan with a look of concern. The question only reminded him that she knew. It reminded him of how he screwed up, of how the mistake kept ruining his life. He felt ashamed.
"Fine," Carter replied too fast and he knew it. He attempted to cover it up. "You know, it's just a little sore," he sighed, "I'll live." He was met with a look of skepticism.
Susan knew he was lying. He had been limping a lot lately and she noticed that he consciously tried to stop when he thought she was looking. But, she didn't know how to deal with him. Now was not the time. "Carter, did you see the LOL in three. She asked about you."
"No, I don't think she's mine." He started walking away a couple of steps down the hall and then turned around. "Three?" he asked looking at Susan as he walked backwards straight into a security guard.
She gave him the affirmative and told him to watch where he was going as he apologized to the very large man and headed towards the curtain room. Susan couldn't help but to laugh as she turned around and walked the opposite way.
* * * * * * * * * *
Later that night Carter found himself in an empty exam room. The light out as he sat in the corner on the counter. His head was tilted back against the wall. He was exhausted. It had become a very busy evening after Weaver had asked him to stay. His back hurt and there was a large but practically invisible bump on his head that he throbbed with his pulse. He'd live. That had become his motto.
His thoughts were interrupted as the light and sounds of the emergency department filled the room for a brief moment. It had calmed down in the past half hour, but even at its calmest it was still alive.
He could see the silhouette of a young woman and honestly didn't know who it was. "Occupied," he chimed sarcastically.
Susan was alarmed to realize the dark room wasn't empty. "Hey, you can't hog the only quiet room down here," Susan started to banter. She was tired and had been actually looking for Carter. "I thought you snuck out."
"I tried, but Weaver's got eyes in
the back of her head." He tried to joke
but wasn't in the mood.
Susan sat on a stool on the other side of the room. It was dark in the room. She could barely see him. She could only see the outline of his shape. She only saw his shell. She couldn't take it any longer.
"I know you know I know," she blurted out before she knew it.
He laughed, "I know." His voice sounded strained. Silence filled the room again.
"Carter, what is wrong?" She was exasperated. "Why are you acting this way?"
"I'm not acting," he replied defensively. It was silent again. He honestly couldn't answer the question. He wasn't sure himself why he was acting the way he was.
"I understand you had a problem. Mark told me everything. You're better now. You went through some tough times, but you are all better." Susan got up and started to walk over to him.
Carter couldn't take it. His head hurt, especially when he tried to think. He wasn't all better. He was a drug-adic. Even if he only had been and was not now. He had had a drug problem and Susan knew, and now he knew he had ruined it with her.
He jumped down from the counter as best he could in his condition. He didn't know what to say to her. He didn't want to hurt her. "Look, I . . .er, thanks." It was more of a question. "I'm fine. You're right." He started for the door.
Susan tried to grab his arm, but he pulled free from her grasp. "Carter," she tried to get him to stop, but he just walked out the door and waved her off.
He had to get out of there. He quickly scanned the doors to the ambulance bay and made sure Weaver was nowhere to be seen.
"I'm going to Doc's," he told to the passing Luka, who merely grunted. He picked up his pace as he walked out into the night. It was chilly outside. He only had a dress shirt on with his suspenders and for some reason he had rolled up his sleeves. He wouldn't go back in there for his jacket, though.
Susan was left in the dark room. She wasn't finished. She wouldn't let him do this to them. She visibly gathered her strength, breathing in a cleansing breath, and followed him. She saw as he huffed through the doors. She followed.
"Carter," she cried as she saw him outside standing in the ambulance bay.
He turned around and gave her a look of exhaustion. He put his hands up in the air, asking 'what' without words.
"Please, carter, don't do this. I want to be your friend. You are shutting me out just because I know you were a drug-adic?"
He was walking away now, towards Doc Magoo's. She caught up to him before he crossed the busy street. She pulled on his arm again. This time he stopped and turned around. He looked up. Not at her, but the night sky.
"Yes," He answered weakly. "Why do you care so much? I am dirt. No better than your sister was. You don't want me. You don't need me. You should just stay away from me."
His face was red from the cold and his eyes were shimmering from the wind and his emotions. He looked so hurt and younger than she could ever remember him looking. Susan suddenly felt awful and wanted to hold him like she held little Susie so many times.
But, with the last statement he turned around and ran across the street.
He didn't look. He just turned around and ran away from her.
Susan watched in horror as a small car struck him. She was unable to even yell a warning with the lump in her throat. She heard the thump of flesh on steal and the shattering of glass. Carter was thrown up against the windshield and then hurled down towards the cold hard pavement. The driver didn't even have time to break.
It felt like an eternity, the time she stood there and watched Carter's lifeless body on the ground. Susan was frozen. "Carter?" she tried to yell but it came out a little above a whisper. He was on his stomach, his face to the side facing her. Again, she couldn't see much in the dark. She could only see an outline.
After what was really only a second she ran over to him and felt for a pulse. He really wasn't lifeless, like she had thought. He was conscious and starting to move around. He was trying to turn over.
"Hey, stop moving, Carter," Susan scolded. She was looking down at a very broken body.
Carter was confused. He couldn't figure out why he was on the ground. Why couldn't he breathe? He didn't dare open is eyes. He tried to think back. He was so upset and he had just wanted to get away. He didn't even think of looking where he was going. He didn't see the car coming at him untill it hit him. 'Oh, man,' he thought, 'I really need to start looking where I'm going.'
It was so hard to breathe. He was gasping for breath.
Susan looked down at him. The side of his face was scraped as well as the back of his hand and his knuckles, which were grasping at his chest. He still did not open his eyes.
"Carter, are you okay?" Susan had asked him this question too many times in the past couple of days.
"I'll live", he wheezed. But, after he uttered these two words, he couldn't stop coughing. And then he did, and it was quiet again.
As Susan realized her friend had stopped breathing she wondered if the man laying in front of her had just lied to her again.
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