AN: I started this early in the morning, it wouldn't leave me, but not too sure if i should continue with it.

Takes place after QOS, but before Skyfall. Will put a tissue warning just in case.

"Memories warm you from the inside. But they also tear you apart." ~ Haruki Murakami

Chapter 1

...

M stood looking out of the window in her office, watching as the rain cascaded down the glass. It had been exactly one month since she had lost James. The guilt still sat heavily in her heart that she had sent him on that mission in the first place. She never gave up hope since she lost contact with him, that he would walk through her door with that insufferable grin on his face. The days turned into weeks and the weeks eventually turned into a month, she knew what she had feared. He wouldn't be returning to her, despite his promise that he would.

"Ma'am."

She turned to Tanner's hesitant voice and noticed him standing behind her with a few folders in his arms.

"Yes Tanner?"

Tanner did not have to be psychic to know she was thinking about the loss of Bond. He couldn't believe it himself, he didn't want to believe it, but the fact of the matter was, he wasn't coming back no matter how much she wanted him to.

"I have the files of agents who would be suitable candidates to fill the 007 post."

M stood there knowing that she would have to replace him eventually, but it was still too soon.

"Can't it wait a few more weeks, I've got enough files to be getting along with, without having to look at applicant files!" The excuse sounded pathetic even to her own ears.

"M it's been a month, it's time you moved on. You can't keep going on like this. It isn't healthy."

"You think I don't know that! I've tried to let him go, believe me, but it's not as easy as snapping your fingers."

Tanner tried to avoid this confrontation with her as long as possible, but he couldn't stand to see the guilt eat away at her when she was just doing her job.

"I know you cared for him, Ma'am, and that he meant a great deal to you, but do you really think he would want you to go on like this?"

She knew Tanner was right, but that didn't mean she had to like it.

"What he would want me to do is no concern of yours!"

"It is. Before he left, he asked me to look after you. Well, I intend to keep that promise Ma'am, whether you like it or not."

"I can take care of myself! I suppose he told you we were lovers as well then did he?"

Tanner stood there stunned.

"I take it from the look on your face, you didn't! So now you understand why I'm finding it difficult to let go. If it were Eve, you would be acting the same way."

"I had no idea. I mean I knew you cared for him. How long were you both together?"

M sat down behind her desk, and looked up to Tanner.

"Two years tomorrow." She could feel a lump in the back of her throat, but she refused to allow her tears to fall in front of her chief of staff. She didn't need or want his pity.

Tanner took his own seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk. It all started to make sense as to why she was acting the way she was, and rightly so considering it was not only that someone was her agent, but someone who she had an intimate relationship with. He decided the files could wait, and regretted even mentioning them to her.

"I apologise for my insensitivity Ma'am. I'm here if you ever need to talk."

"I appreciate that Tanner, and as for the apology you didn't know."

Tanner knew it was taking her all her will power not to break down. He wondered who would be there to help her through her grief. She had no children from what he had gathered and she had lost her husband four years ago. The only person, who could help her through this, was the one person who was causing her to grieve.

"Why don't you come round to Eve's and mines tonight for dinner? It may do you good to get away from the office and your apartment for a few hours at least."

"Thank you for the offer, but I wouldn't want to impose on you both."

"Eve has just been as worried about you as I have. It will put her mind at ease knowing that you're doing okay and I intend to keep that promise to Bond. Christ knows the man will probably come to haunt me if I don't."

M gave her first real smile in weeks at the thought. It would probably be something James would do as well knowing him.

"All right, I'll take you up on your offer, but only if Eve agrees as well. The last thing I want is to cause a tiff between you both."

"She'll be fine with it, but I'll let you know her answer."

Tanner stood up and made his way to the exit of her office, taking the files with him.

"Tanner, you've forgotten to leave the files."

Tanner turned to look at the files in his arms, and then turned to look at M.

"They can wait."

She didn't have to say anything. Her eyes told him all that he needed to know.

"Call me if you need anything Ma'am."

"You're a good man Tanner. Eve is lucky to have you."

Tanner gave her a small smile and left.

Once she is sure her door is closed, she let the few tears that were building in her eyes to escape. Reaching into the top drawer of her desk, she brought out the photo frame that she kept there and traced the glass with her fingers.

She gave a watery smile at the photo of the two of them smiling at the camera; care free without the worry of this job on their shoulders. James had her in a loving embrace, with his head resting between her neck and shoulder. The thought of not feeling his arms around her again caused the dam to burst and she had to bring a hand to her mouth to muffle her sobs. It was the first time since she lost him that she allowed her tears to flow.

Her crying lasted a few moments, as she thought about everything that occurred between them in the last two years that they were together. From their first date to the first time they made love. The memories came like a whirlwind one after the other, flashing before her eyes. She finally managed to get her emotions under control and compose herself to her boss facade, staring once more lovingly at the picture then replacing it back in her desk drawer.

One thing she learned from James was to trust her instincts, and her own instincts and her heart were telling her that he was still alive. Until she saw his body, she would refuse to believe otherwise. If she had to carry out her own investigation to find him, then she would. Dead or alive, she would be bringing him home.