Disclaimer: Supernatural is not mine.
Written in about an hour, this is basically my attempt to solve the horrid strain that is currently on Dean and Castiel's relationship this season. They need to fix it already! Surely I'm not the only one who has noticed that.
I won't deny - it's a little bit crappy and rambling, but the idea and the urge to write this wouldn't leave me alone. Also, because I felt like trying something different, I've written this in present tense. It's a bit different to what I'm used to and I'm still not sure about it, but oh well... :S Any feedback on that would be great. :)
Finally - the title is taken from the song Come Back When You Can by Barcelona. It fits the Dean/Castiel relationship rather well, in my opinion. Anyway - please enjoy and please leave a review. :)
Come Back When You Can
When he's alone again, the frustration disappears almost instantly.
With a huff, Dean releases the breath he hadn't even realised he'd been holding. Sighing, he runs a hand through his hair and tears his eyes away from the place Castiel had stood moments ago. They'd parted on angry terms once again and a painful sense of déjà vu washes over Dean as he realises he'd let it happen again after swearing to himself he wouldn't.
Dean hates this; hates how strained it's become between them. He's hurt that Castiel doesn't seem to have time for them anymore, frustrated that the angel is sharing less and less with them, angry that they are growing apart more and more. He hates how it's come to this and how so much is at stake. And he wishes it could all go back to the way it was...
Sam's out again and Dean discovers he can't actually remember him leaving. Perhaps he'd had enough of their fighting and glaring silences. Or perhaps he's gone out for dinner. Dean doesn't linger on the thoughts. His mind is on other things.
"Hey, Cas," he finally whispers, looking up at the ceiling. He has to fix this, before it reaches breaking point. "Look, I'm sorry ok. Can we just... can we talk? I promise not to-" Dean stops.
Castiel has appeared again, sitting ram-rod straight on the end of one of the small beds. He's gazing out towards the window, clearly deep in thought. For a moment, Dean simply studies him, feeling an overwhelming wave of emotion sweep over him. He forces back the urge to yell and fight again, to project his own anger onto Castiel.
"You came?"
Castiel turns his gaze upon him. His face is impassive, but his voice is bitter and (if Dean didn't know any better) slightly sarcastic "Of course, Dean."
They fall into silence. Dean drops his gaze, but can still feel the angel's eyes on him. He stills finds the gaze disconcerting and shifts uncomfortably under it. Perhaps it is that which brings the anger on, because he suddenly wants to yell again. And he thinks again about how much he hates this situation
And when he cannot hold it back anymore, the familiar stab of pain and anger rises up in in, frightfully quickly. It's pathetic and childish, but he cannot stop it. Castiel's abandoned him. Because that's when it started. The day Dean first felt abandoned. It's been over a year and a half since that day; the day Dean still tries so hard to forget. When he'd lost Sam and when Castiel had left him without so much as a goodbye. A whole year of the 'apple-pie' life and no contact. Not even a word, even when Dean prayed louder than he'd ever done. When Dean had needed him most, when all he needed was the support of his friend and angel, Castiel had left him. Even now, he knows there is good reason, he knows what Castiel has to deal with in Heaven. He knows what is at stake and yet... he cannot stop the frustrating feeling of abandonment.
The anger must show on Dean's face, or perhaps in his posture, because it is Castiel's dangerous voice that brings him back to the room. "Dean."
"You left me." It comes out bitter and broken. Castiel is stonily silent as Dean looks up at him again, glaring fiercely. "That whole year I suffered. I didn't know squat. You could have at least shown up. You could have at least stayed with me that night when I needed you. Did I really mean that little to you? After everything we'd been through?"
Dean leaves it there, noticing with grim satisfaction that Castiel looks slightly guilty. "It's civil war in Heaven, Dean. I couldn't." Dean gives Castiel a look which suggests his excuse isn't good enough, implying that he is more important than an angel pissing match. Castiel sets his jaw. "What part of civil war don't you understand? I couldn't just leave. Even now, I shouldn't be here. I am needed elsewhere."
"Yeah, well, you could have found the time," Dean shoots back, suddenly on his feet.
Castiel stands, stalking over to Dean and standing a mere foot away. With blazing eyes he glares at Dean and leans in, their faces mere inches apart. "This is bigger than you, Dean," he growls and Dean shudders. "It's bigger than a lot of things, including us."
Us. That's a new one, Dean thinks. And, for a moment, he forgets to be angry. He's never thought of Castiel and him being 'us'. But, he realises, it's right. It always has been. And then the frustration is gone again, like he's some sort of hormonal, mood-swinging teen. Dean takes a step back and Castiel, fully aware of Dean's change in demeanour, mimics the action and returns to sit on the bed.
The thick air dissolves and after a moment, Dean follows and they sit side by side on the pathetic excuse for a mattress. "You know, I've really missed you man," Dean comments quietly. A small, sly smile crosses Castiel's lips.
"I believe the feeling is mutual, Dean."
"How is it up there?" Dean asks. His voice is soft again and more caring and worried that he'd ever admit.
"Arduous," Castiel replies. A pained look crosses his usually impassive face and Dean feels his heart tighten automatically in sympathy. "It's civil war. Any order that once existed is gone. Raphael's becoming stronger and everything... Everything's just..." He trails off uncharacteristically.
"Gone to hell?" Dean suggests, his faux-joking tone poorly attempting to lighten the mood.
Castiel, however, smiles at the effort. "I wouldn't go so far as to say that."
Dean returns the smile, then falters. "I'm sorry," he says earnestly. "For everything."
"I know."
There is a lull in their conversation. One that is filled with silent understanding. It is a while before Dean speaks again. "I never told anyone, but I prayed to you... You know, just a few times, during that 'apple-pie' year."
"I don't think one hundred and forty-two prayers constitutes the definition of 'just a few'."
Dean blinks is surprise. "You heard?"
"Every one," Castiel replies. He pauses, as though waiting for Dean to speak, but the hunter is quiet. "It... pained me greatly that I couldn't return back then." The way the angel says it, implies he's only just coming to terms with this new emotion. "Sometimes, knowing that you were still there and thinking of me was all that kept me going."
"I didn't know..."
"I didn't want you to," Castiel responds evenly. "You were happy. You had a family. And as Bobby put it, you were free."
Dean shakes his head, disbelieving and disagreeing. He turns and meets Castiel's eyes directly. He wants to tell Castiel that he'd never been free, not really. How he hadn't been happy with his 'apple-pie' life (the name's stuck now). How he'd drank too much to block everything out and had always been on edge, worried that something was always coming after him. He wants to tell Castiel how he and Sammy and Bobby are his family. And how he was glad to be back again.
But something in the angel's eye tells Dean that he already knows. Slowly, he reaches out and gently runs a hand down Castiel's cheek. Typically, the angel frowns at this confusing new sensation and Dean hides a smile. "You should have come back sooner, Cas."
This, Castiel does understand. "I know. But, Heaven needed me and..." he trails off, his face turning into an expression of guilt.
But Dean is already ahead of him. He nods sadly. "And it still needs you, I know."
Castiel is silent, unconsciously leaning into the hand which is still pressed to his face. He doesn't want to leave. He'd much rather be here and he can see in Dean's face that he understands that too. Reaching out, Castiel carefully presses his hand over the imprint in Dean's shoulder. Dean shivers against it.
They remain like that for a while, gazing into each other eyes, content and comforted by the other's presence. "I'm sorry," Castiel finally says, extracting his hand as Dean does the same.
"Don't," he says, waving it off. "Just... just come back when you can. And don't keep this war inside. I'll be here... we'll be here when you come back. Share it. It'll help. And maybe we won't disagree as much," he gives a weak smile. "So just, come back when you can, yeah?"
Castiel nods, appreciation and relief flowing through him. "I will."
Dean smiles. Finally, the air is clear between them. Months of strain and anguish has simply evaporated in a single conversation. He feels as though he can breath freely again. And somehow he knows that everything is going to be alright.
When Sam returns with two food parcels, Castiel is gone. Dean shrugs off Sam's concerned questions and smiles his way through dinner. "Cas'll be back," he says.
For the first time in a while, Dean is glad he returned to this life. It's good to be back. And it's good to have his angel back.