Chapter One
So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence,
There's a possibility I wouldn't know
"Possibility" Lykke Li
Olivia sat facing the window as the rain poured outside. She sighed quietly to herself, mentally trying to muster up the will to get dressed.
For the last ten months she had functioned on auto-pilot, acting in a manner that could only be described as one step above being completely catatonic. Fitz's words to her at Verna's funeral constantly reverberated through her head, and her near complete detachment was the only way she could deal with the pain.
But today was different – today she would see him, and she needed to prepare herself as best as she could. Cyrus had, in what she was sure was some sort of sick joke on the part of the Universe, selected her and Fitz to be god parents to baby Ella. She knew missing the child's christening was out of the question, and she resigned herself to the fact that today would simply not be a good day for her. Fighting the urge to simply climb back into the billowy mass of down pillows piled high on her bed, Olivia somehow managed to shower and dress herself. She styled her hair and applied hr makeup so that she appeared (from the outside) to be some semblance of her former self. When she was finished the reflection in the mirror bore no signs of the pain and grief that wracked her from within, and for that much, she was grateful.
When she arrived at the church for the ceremony, her stomach was in knots. The sensation of apprehension was an unusual one, and she wasn't sure whether the sudden rush of feeling after having spent so long without it was a welcome change or not. Steeling herself and putting on her best "I'm Olivia Pope" face, she entered the gathering and began to mingle.
She did her best at appearing normal, all the while carefully avoiding the First Family. She only felt her resolve begin to slip when she and Fitz held baby Ella in both their arms before the priest. It was then that she was forced to look into his eyes and see the wariness and mistrust with which he watched her. The sheer loathing that she felt emanating from his was overwhelming, and at this close range she began to feel claustrophobic. The way in which he instantly recoiled as their hands accidentally brushed during those few moments was enough to nearly send her over the edge. She knew that she would not last long before falling apart completely, and decided it would be best if she left as soon as possible.
After a single drink and the obligatory toast following the ceremony, Olivia discreetly made her way away from the party and headed toward her car. She knew that he had followed her, though, long before he pulled her into the closet. She was always hyperaware of his presence; that much had not changed. Still, she did not expect him to pull her into the tiny room and kiss her with such ferocious intensity.
The ensuing tryst was full of passion and desperation and need and in it she found herself allowing for hope for the first time in almost a year. She felt those walls she'd built begin to crumble, and let herself finally imagine that they could somehow work things out. She understood that he was hurting, that they were both hurting, but she tried to communicate to him through their lovemaking that she still very much loved and needed him, and that she was willing to work toward repairing what had been lost between them.
When it was over she attempted to begin a dialogue between them, trying to apologize and somehow make him understand. However, the cold words that he spoke to her in return stopped her instantly. He'd made it clear in his last statement to her that there was nowhere left to go and nothing left to say.
As Fitz walked away from her for what would likely be the last time, Olivia gathered her things in a daze. She made her way outside hurriedly, not caring about the rain or her appearance, and barely making it to her car before the tears began to fall. Finally, alone and safe within the confines of her Mercedes, Olivia Pope finally allowed herself to break.