Best Intentions
By
Denise
"He is going to kill us," Sam complained tossing bags of streamers into the cart.
"No he won't," Jack stated, rolling his eyes at the all too familiar refrain.
"He probably won't KILL us per se…but I bet we get 'the look'," Daniel said looking askance at a package of mini 'over the hill' tombstones.
"That's a given," Sam replied with a laugh. "I don't get it sir, Teal'c's been on earth for almost five years…why the sudden desire to do the whole birthday thing?" she asked frowning at the handful of black balloons Jack tossed into the cart.
"Hey. It isn't every day a friend of mine turns the big 1-0-2,"
"Umm…Jack it's never that a friend of yours turns 102 unless you're a vampire or a goa'uld in disguise or something," Daniel said picking up a bottle of black 'pills'. For old farts the label read on the bottle of black jellybeans.
"Oh for cryin out loud Daniel. Teal'c deserves a party."
"How come he gets a party when all I got was a candle in a squashed Hostess cupcake?" Sam asked indignantly remembering her last birthday.
"You got an all expense paid trip to…a far away place."
"I got to camp with you guys for three days…That's not a vacation, it's penance."
"Look T's been a little down lately…thought this might cheer him up," Jack said, pausing at a rack of novelty T-shirts.
"This is the first time he's ever admitted to his birthday isn't it?" Daniel asked astutely, joining Jack in perusing the rack.
Jack looked up guiltily. "Well…How about this one?" he asked holding up a large maroon T-shirt emblazoned with 'junior' in big white letters with an arrow pointing down.
Sam sighed and looked at Daniel. Years of experience told her the colonel was unstoppable when he was in an incorrigible mood. "I think he WILL kill you," she said. Instead of discouraging him, her words just made Jack smile wider.
"Good," he said, tossing the shirt into the cart. "Look. I'm gonna go next door and see about the cake. Meet you in the car?"
Sam nodded at his retreating back then turned to Daniel with a rueful look on her face. "Can't you convince him birthdays are taboo or something?"
"I already tried that. Jack's bound and determined to have a party."
"Party yes...cake balloons…but to sock him with an over the hill party for his first one ever…that's just plain cruel.
"I know. Maybe you can get the general to get us a mission on Teal'c's birthday…"
"I tried. Short of sending us somewhere we've already been…there's no destinations available right now," she said regretting that this just happened to be one of their all too rare calms before the storm. She had a funny feeling that in a few weeks they'd be wishing it were always this quiet.
"Just our luck. Where's a nice snake invasion when you need one? Look, you ok with this?" he asked suddenly.
"Sure. Why?"
"Well if Jack's being this obnoxious with the decorations…"
"Lord only knows what he'll do with the cake," Sam finished in horror.
"Right."
"Go. I'll meet you in the car," she instructed. She watched him hurry off then turned back to the rack of T-shirts with a smile. Seeing a long line at the check out she browsed the rack to kill a few minutes. One of them caught her attention and she picked it up. She almost laughed out loud as she read the caption. Oh yeah. This was perfect. She tossed the second shirt into the basket and made her way to the registers.
XXXXXXXXXX
"So. You really jump out of cakes?" Jack asked the young woman.
"Oh sure sugar. See it's not 'really' a cake. Just a fake shell. I just put on my bikini…or not…and voila!" she said making a large expressive 'ta-da' gesture just as Daniel walked into the shop. Taking one look at the buxom employee and the small case of anatomically correct if slightly…more than slightly disproportionate cakes he knew Jack was on a roll. And Teal'c was doomed.
"Jack," Daniel said slowly crossing to his friend. "Whatcha doing?"
Jack gave him a 'I'm totally innocent' look, which merely confirmed for Daniel that he'd come just in the nick of time. "Lisa here's helping me with a cake," Jack said, giving the clerk a broad smile.
"Aah I see…Nice to meet you Lisa," Daniel said. "Jack…this…you…the general is coming isn't he?"
"Yeah."
"And Sam and Janet and…this is a…neat cake but…maybe one a little more appropriate to mixed company?" he suggested giving Lisa a mollifying glance.
"You work at the base sugar?" she asked Jack.
"Yes. He does."
"And your boss is going to be at this party…and he's a general?"
"And our co-workers…female co-workers," Daniel interjected.
Lisa shook her head. "Ooh sugar. You don't want one of 'these' cakes," she said, leading him from her more unique creations to a more mainstream display. "How about one of these?"
"Well…" Jack started.
"Fourteen flavors," she tempted.
"Don't suppose you do mocha?" Daniel asked.
"Mocha cake with dark chocolate frosting…decorated however you like it."
"Mocha? Daniel this is for T not you," Jack complained.
"For your information Jack he loves mocha…Irish cream, amaretto…heck he's a worse coffee addict that I am."
"T? A caffeine junkie?"
"What can I say? He loves coffee. We'll take it," Daniel said, turning to the clerk. "Quarter sheet with…that design."
Lisa looked at the one he'd pointed to. "You're sure?"
"We're sure," Jack confirmed, still more than a little miffed that they couldn't have a fun cake. "Don't suppose you have any of those trick candles?" he asked a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
XXXXXXXXXX
Janet skillfully twisted and tacked a streamer to the wall. "You couldn't talk him out of it?" she asked Sam who was also hanging streamers and paper decorations in the colonel's living room.
"Believe me, I tried. And tried and tried…The colonel is adamant."
"Surely the general…"
"Janet. I don't think General Hammond has any idea how…involved it all is," Sam said pointing at the streamers, mobiles, balloons, and even the pin the snake on the goa'uld poster Jack had had one of the techs draw. It did look festive…if the guest was 12 instead of 102.
Janet climbed off the ladder and set herself to setting out two liter bottles of soda amongst the colorful plates and napkins. "Please tell me Daniel is with Colonel O'Neill?" she pled remembering their host was out shopping for the hamburgers they were going to have for dinner.
"After what almost happened with the cake Daniel's afraid to leave him alone."
Janet laughed recalling the story. "I didn't know that shop was still open. I got a cake there for one of the nurse's bridal showers a few years ago. Let me tell you, as a doctor, the detail was…"
She broke off as the door opened heralding the return of Jack and Daniel.
"I still don't see why you're being so picky?" Jack complained.
"I'm not being picky Jack. I just don't think it's a good combination," Daniel said, putting down the burgeoning bags.
"Daniel?' Sam asked, wondering what was wrong now.
"Jack's just being a little childish."
"I'm not childish."
"Yes you are."
"Not."
"Are."
"Not!"
"ARE!"
"ENOUGH!" Janet yelled. Both men started guiltily.
"Sorry," Daniel muttered.
"Dare I ask what this is all about?" Sam asked.
"Jack's just…upset."
"I'm not upset."
"About what?" she asked, ignoring Jack.
"Ice cream."
"Ice cream?"
Daniel sighed. "He wanted to get tutti-frutti," Daniel said with a shudder.
"To go with mocha cake?" Janet asked in horror.
"Don't worry," Daniel reassured her reaching into the bag. "French vanilla," he said, pulling out the cartons.
"My stomach thanks you," Sam said trying not to smile at the look on the colonel's face.
Janet looked around the room, seeing that all of SG-1 was there, save the unwitting guest. "So…if we're all here…how's Teal'c going to get here?"
XXXXXXXXXX
George Hammond sat back in the seat, fighting the urge to check his seatbelt. Sure, he'd had drivers before…just never an alien. Still Teal'c certainly was responsible. And he could pilot a space ship. Surely he could handle the rush hour traffic on interstate 25.
"I am puzzled General Hammond," Teal'c said.
"About what son?'
"For what purpose Colonel O'Neill could require a vehicle?"
"His is in the shop and he needed transportation. And while I'm not inclined to start running a taxi service, loaning Colonel O'Neill a staff car is the least I can do," George said, wondering vaguely how he got mixed up in all this.
"I see," Teal'c said parking in front of Jack's house. "However, if we are delivering the vehicle to Colonel O'Neill then how are we returning to the SGC?"
George cursed inwardly. He was getting rusty. He should have thought his story out better. "Well son. We'll just have to ask Jack that," he replied, getting out of the car. Frowning slightly Teal'c also got out and followed the younger man up the walk.
George saw a curtain twitch and bit back a sigh. "The things I do for these people," he muttered fighting the urge to break out laughing. He honestly didn't know if he envied the Jaffa for having the kinds of friends that would throw him a party or felt sympathy for all he was going to go through.
He just hoped the experience wouldn't send the warrior running for the hills.
XXXXXXXXXX
Teal'c followed the general up the walk still perplexed. While he could understand the general permitting O'Neill use of a vehicle he did not understand why he and the general had to deliver it personally. It seemed a task much too menial for one of General Hammond's rank.
They stepped onto the porch and he pressed the summoning mechanism. Both he and the general stood there for a second, as there was no response. The lack of an answer was odd indeed since Teal'c could hear muted rustlings beyond the door. Someone was in the domicile…
To his horror the general calmly opened the door and entered the building. "General Hammond," Teal'c said hurrying forward to protect the man. "I do not believe it is wise…"
"SURPRISE!!"
He forced himself not to start as the lights flashed on and his friends jumped out from behind various pieces of furniture, some blowing paper horns or noisemakers.
He stood bewildered as O'Neill stepped forward and placed a conical hat on his head, securing it by a thin piece of elastic that went under his chin. He saw that the rest of his friends were also wearing hats of varying garish colors.
Amidst the discordant singing of what had to be a ritual song, Major Carter and Doctor Fraiser approached him carrying a brightly decorated cake between them. Teal'c raised his eyebrow at the stylized image of a cowboy. The cake was covered with dozens of candles and as they approached him he could feel the heat emanating from it. For a minute he wondered if the confection was not finished cooking.
They had finished singing and were staring at him expectantly.
"Make a wish," Jack instructed.
"O'Neill?"
"Teal'c, the tradition is that you make a wish then blow out the candles. If they're all blown out then your wish will come true," Daniel explained.
"How will extinguishing candles insure a wish…"
"For cryin out loud. Just do it before the house catches fire," Jack complained.
Teal'c obediently took a deep breath, bent over and efficiently blew out all 102 candles filling the air with smoke. "I do not see how…"
"Wait a minute," Jack interrupted. "The candles are out."
"Is that not what you instructed me to do?"
"Yeah but…They're not supposed…You switched them didn't you?" Jack accused Daniel.
Daniel backed away with a 'who me?' look on his face.
"So Jack. Is there anything to drink?" Hammond asked, defusing the impending situation.
Jack stopped his advance on Daniel and turned back to the rest of his guests. "Of course sir. Bar's open."
XXXXXXXXXX
"So Teal'c. What do you think?" Daniel asked, sitting beside his friend.
"About what Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked eating his fifth piece of cake. Now that everyone had sated their appetite with burgers and cake, the celebrants had settled into their normal casual mode.
Jack and the general were in one corner swapping fishing stories while Sam & Janet chatted across the room
"This whole birthday thing," Daniel said, gesturing at the decorated room.
"It is intriguing," he said evenly thinking back to the odd rituals in which he had partaken that day.
"And the best is yet to come," Jack broke in, an ominous look on his face. "Present time," he declared pulling a box from behind his back.
Daniel and Sam shared pained looks knowing what was in the box and silently grateful for the Jaffa's legendary restraint.
Teal'c accepted it and began to unwrap the package as he had seen his friends do before. He opened it and drew out the T-shirt a puzzled look on his face.
"It's T-shirt," Jack explained.
"Of that I am aware however I was under the impression that the presence of my symbiote was to remain a
secret."
"Yeah. So?"
"How is secrecy to be maintained if its presence is emblazoned upon my apparel?"
Daniel chuckled. "It's Jack's idea of a joke. Maybe you'll like this better," he said handing Teal'c his package. He opened it revealing a book on cultures. "It's aah…where birthdays come from and all that."
"Thank you Daniel Jackson."
"Well," Hammond spoke up. "Mine isn't portable but when you get back to the base there should be a TV and VCR complete with cable in your quarters. I should have thought of it earlier."
"And mine goes along with the general's," Janet said handing him an armful of videos. "Maybe now you'll have some idea what he's talking about," she said, jerking her thumb at Jack.
"Hey," the colonel protested. "I am not…"
"Picture time," Janet interrupted, pulling out her camera.
"Wait a minute," Sam spoke up holding up a gift bag. "He hasn't opened my gift yet." Teal'c accepted the bag and started to open it. "Wait. I think you should open it in private."
"Carter?"
"Major?"
"Sam? What are you up to?"
"Nothing just…it's a surprise," she said clearly embarrassed.
Teal'c obligingly go to his feet and left the room. With his absence the rest turned to Sam with 'spill it' looks on their faces.
"What?" she asked raising her hands.
"Dare I ask?" Jack said, a mischievous grin on his face.
"You can ask," she said, getting to her feet and picking up a few discarded plates. She turned and headed towards the kitchen.
"Come on. Tell. That's an order."
"Since when do I follow orders?" she quipped back as the door opened and Teal'c re-emerged into the room.
Sam grinned seeing he was wearing her gift. She knew he'd get the joke. "I think we're ready for that picture now," she said to an amused Janet, Daniel and General Hammond.
They lined up with Teal'c in the middle and a reluctant Jack at his left side.
"I still don't see why you'll wear Carter's gift and not mine," he complained.
"Because while yours violates national security, hers is appropriate," Teal'c said holding his arms at his side to insure the caption on the shirt 'I'm with stupid' with an arrow pointing to the left, would be clearly visible in the picture.
Fin