Sirius,
Your last laugh was still etched upon you're your once handsome face. Every time I think of you I see that smile, the very same smile which haunts my memories and yet I loathe it so.
Your eyes widened with shock as your body slowly faded behind that veil. I know your last glance was of me and your eyes plead with mine to tell you why.
I have always been amazed by you Sirius though I never would have admitted it. We are so similar and that's how I know I hate you. I hate the way our faces share that traditional strong jaw and I hate how we share the same thick black hair but most of all I hate our perfectly dark eyes. I hate how yours always saw the light when mine could only see the dark.
They always have. I remember when we were children, no more than 10 years of age and we ran in the coarse green fields at the back of Grimauld Place. I remember how your eyes glinted as you picked up that injured bird, it had one wing and blood gushing from its chest. You wanted to kill it. I remember it very well Sirius, as that is the first and only time I thought you were bad. As dark as I was. It took me some time to realize, but you wanted to kill that bird to end its suffering, to heel its pain and let it pass to a brighter world. I told you to let it live. I wanted to watch it suffer, as that bird brought me comfort, even pleasure. I liked how for that short amount of time I knew something was suffering more than I was. It pained me all these years knowing you ended that birds suffering yet you never stopped mine.
So many times we used to duel in the depths of Grimauld place. Firing spell after spell at each other. I knew what you did Sirius, I've always known. How you would never duel as good as I knew you could. I never understood why you let me win. I think on some level I hoped it was because you didn't want to hurt me, but I know that's not the truth. You did it because you knew it annoyed me, angered me, and it meant I never really won.
I always wondered how you did it cousin. I know how fierce your temper is for i share the same. Yet you can control it more than I ever could. You knew how to use it, to stop it, and what's more I believe you understood it. Like so many other things I believe you understood. I think because you understood our temper, you used it, to make me lash out at you and to make it so much easier to hate you.
It astonishes me how our lives always ran parallel with our only difference keeping us apart. When we were both in Azkaban I deserved to be there, you didn't. I knew you wouldn't be able to kill innocent people because after all I knew you. I always felt on some level you were there because of me. To keep our lives parallel.
You are gone and yet I still can't admit how I envied you. You were me, the other half of me, the light to my dark. You once told me people have both light and dark inside of them and i should act on the light to be who i really am. I think you knew all along i couldn't make it in the light the dark has always been who i truly am. I didn't have as much strength or courage as you had, for it is so much easier to fall into the dark than survive in the light. Well you survived beautifully Sirius, you really did. You were the good part of me, the bright side, and the side I could never live.
That's why the hate I have for you burns deep into my soul. I thought we understood each other completely, that's why when we dueled our last duel I knew you would have rather died than kill me. You couldn't. Someone so similar to you, someone who knew how you thought, laughed and lied. Someone you once tried to save. After all when you looked for the light in me you saw yourself and when I cast that final spell, I know your laugh is because in death you have finally settled the score between us. You won by not letting me truly win and now I never could win but worst of all you knew when you died any light I had was gone leaving me reeling in the blackness.
But you were wrong. It took some time for me to see, but I will always have some light burned into my soul and a small flame still alight hidden in the depths of my tired and battered heart. That's how it ends Sirius, one cannot win when the other dies.
Everything is so clear now Sirius.
There is a very fine line between love and hate, for you cannot truly hate someone without loving them so much more.
I hate you Sirius, I always have.
Bellatrix dropped the letter into the veil and watched as it disappeared. She took a deep breath and apparated away.
For a moment there was silence and then the faintest whisper echoed through out the room. "I hate you too"