Title: Who Could it Be?
Started: 8/26/11 1:13 a.m.
Finished: 8/26/11 3:31 a.m.
Summary: So who's the best kisser in New Directions? Only one person knows that. Very random, very short one-shot!
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or its respective characters.
"Troll, you don't even want to go there!"
"Look, what I lack in quantity I make up for in quality!"
"As I recall, yours didn't invoke the feeling of fireworks, man hands."
Santana, Rachel and Quinn huffed their way into the cafeteria, meeting the befuddled stares of the members of New Directions already at the table.
"Alright, what the hell's going on here," Mercedes demanded impatiently from her place next to Kurt and Blaine.
"Nothing is going on. Santana and Quinn and I were just having a friendly debate—"
"This crazy dwarf thinks that she's the best kisser at this school," Santana accused, crossing her arms against her Cheerio uniform.
There was a brief pause before several members of the group burst out laughing. Rachel's jaw tightened and she drew herself up, staring expectantly at Finn, telling him that this was his cue to defend her. Oh, poor Finn.
"Well, wait a minute, how do you know the best kisser in school isn't a guy," he asked defensively, and was met with Rachel's furious glare. He lowered his head and started playing with his applesauce.
"Because there's no way a guy can kiss better than a chick," Santana scoffed knowingly.
"Oh please!" Puck leaned back and stretched his legs out, making sure to flex his muscles and arch his back so his abs could be seen without the obstruction of the lunch table. If he had been a peacock, he would have fanned his tail. "I'm the stud of McKinley. Everybody knows—"
"Yeah, you're definitely not the best kisser at this school Puckerman," Lauren said dryly around a mouthful of Milky Way. But when she saw his kicked-puppy glare, she softened, offering him a gamely smirk. "But you're getting there."
Once again assured of his masculinity Puck settled back in his seat, grinning in satisfaction.
"Okay, time out guys, this won't work," Artie stated factually, rolling up next to Rachel and Santana. "We all have our own biases for and against the people that we've kissed; it's a matter of personal experience. And besides, as many people as there are in this school, there's no way to make an objective decision with all the correct data since there are so many that we haven't kissed."
Everyone digested that thought, realizing that Artie was right. There were too many people in the school to guess who the best kisser was. But suddenly, Rachel brightened considerably. "Artie, you make an excellent point. But I think I can narrow it down to something more manageable: the best kisser in New Directions!"
Mike piped up eagerly from his seat on the end, smiling adoringly at his girlfriend. "I think Tina's the best kisser." He smiled, and Tina's cheeks turned pink.
"No, Mike, you are!"
Quinn rolled her eyes and took a seat. "Sam was pretty good."
"Sam's gone, he doesn't count anymore," Mercedes said glumly, and Kurt reached over and squeezed her hand with a smile. She looked over at him and managed a light smile back. "What about you, Kurt? You've been awfully quiet about this."
The countertenor blushed and his eyes turned to his boyfriend, who was holding his other hand. "I should think that my own bias goes without saying," he said sheepishly, and Blaine grinned back in delight.
"Okay, okay, fine! But once again, we're all limited by our own experiences," Rachel said, and started speaking in that slow, condescending, I'm-speaking-slowly-so-you'll-understand-me-children voice. "What we need to do, is find the only person who's kissed everyone in the club, and ask them to choose!"
There was a murmur of agreement among the club, and the decision was made. That was how they wound up at glee rehearsal five minutes early, almost everyone standing in a circle around a very confused, almost frightened Brittany.
"I don't understand. Is this an invention?"
"…A what," Blaine asked Kurt quietly, both of them sitting at a top riser.
Brittany glared at her teammates suspiciously. "You guys shouldn't judge me. I'm not addicted to cat nip; I can stop whenever I want. I was just making a point to Lord Tubbington." She glanced between them and lowered her voice. "I think he has a problem."
Tina stared at her, bewildered. "You've been eating cat nip?"
"You guys all look really swirly and yellow. I can't even tell which one's the real Big Bird."
"Alright, um…Brittany? We have a question for you," Rachel said slowly, like she was planning on leading the Cheerio into it gently.
"Who's the best kisser in New Directions," Finn demanded abruptly. His girlfriend glared at him and Brittany just blinked. He cleared his throat. "Well, you're the only one who's kissed all of us so…you would know, you know?"
"How come I'm not the best kisser," she asked forlornly.
Artie and Santana looked at each other, realizing that either, or both of them, should have anticipated this.
"Y-you are the best," Santana reassured with a grin, leaning over a little more than she had to.
"But besides you, who else is the best," Artie asked, wheeling a little bit closer than he had to.
The blonde cheerleader just smiled at all her friends. "Well…isn't obvious? We did date for a while," she said, and now it was her turn to act like she was speaking to kids. Artie and Santana smirked triumphantly before glaring at each other.
"Kurt's the best," Brittany declared happily.
There was a still in the room. A dramatic pause that normally Rachel would have been thrilled to see brought to life, but at the moment she was too stunned.
"Whoa, wait a minute, Hummel's the best?" Puck demanded, pointing accusingly at Kurt, who had turned about the shade of a strawberry.
"That's impossible, Kurt's only kissed two people, how can he be the best?" Santana argued, and she didn't notice the twitch in the countertenor's eye as she said 'two.' She also didn't notice the way Blaine took his boyfriend's hand when he saw the twitch.
"Ugh, again Santana, all you care about are numbers!"
"Rachel, she's not going to—"
"Quinn stay out of it—"
"You guys can argue all you want," Brittany interrupted. "But he's the only one in this club who can give sexy man kisses and sweet lady kisses at the same time." She turned and smiled kindly at him. "Kurt Hummel's a kissing genius."
Kurt's face brightened even more, and he sunk into his chair at the attention when the rest of the club stared at him in disbelief. They were shocked, and some of them slightly intrigued, by Brittany's declaration. Blaine just observed the whole scene with a great deal of amusement and shrugged. "Well, you'll get no argument from me!"
He waggled his brows at his flabbergasted boyfriend. "In fact I think this calls for a demonstration. OW! …Or not."
FIN
Okay, so Chris tweeted that he was doing something dangerous and life-threatening for Glee. And I admit, I got very curious! Then the FreePavarotti account told Chris Colfer that 'the world record is 69 in 10 minutes. Good luck buddy." …the only thing that comes up on Google for that is hot dog eating…oh dear god. ANYWAY! This is my shortest one to date! It's total nonsense, so if anyone wants to build on it I'd love to see it, but I just found the idea charming. :)