A/N: So this is more of me exploring little themes with Anna.
Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey, nor do I think this is how Anna should've acted, but rather what I think might've crossed her mind, especially when she said "better a broken heart than a broken neck."
Ever since she was a little girl, Anna knew when she was supposed to pray, and what she was supposed to include in her prayer. Prayers of thanks belonged at suppertime, prayers for help and more thanks belonged at her bedside before she went to sleep, and prayers for help, thanks, and forgiveness belonged to Sundays in the stone chapel down in the village. In the life of a servant, there was no other time for prayer, no other times when there was silence enough that thoughts could find their way up to Heaven without getting lost.
Over the years, Anna's prayers had been simple, thanking God for the good fortune that her position at Downton brought her, asking Him to watch over her parents and siblings, and seeking His forgiveness for whatever indiscretion she might have committed since the previous Sunday. When the Great War had the whole world in its thrall, she prayed for the life of every soldier who served in the name of England, especially William, Mr. Matthew, and even Thomas, and when it subsided, she thanked Him for sparing England in the most part, and sometimes she even prayed to William's ghost instead of the God she'd been taught to pray to. She prayed for Lady Sybil's safety when Mr. Branson arrived on his own that night, for Mr. Branson when Lady Sybil died, and for Miss Sybbie every day. She prayed that Sybbie would grow up to be as wonderful of a young woman as her mother'd been, and she prayed that Tom would find his place in the world, because even Anna could tell it wasn't Downton.
Of course, Mr. Bates had been in her prayers since 1912, when she'd prayed that he would be alright after O'Brien tripped him out front, and when he seemed to be ill in those early days. Never once did she pray that he would be as in love with her as she was with him- time had proven that prayers were unnecessary- and never did she pray to be forgiven for loving a married man. She remembered praying for forgiveness when Vera was pronounced dead, because it was wrong that she rejoice in the demise of the late Mrs. Bates, however horrible she had been in life. When Mr. Bates was in prison, Anna prayed for his release, asking God to uncover the evidence that she needed to prove his innocence to the court, and asking for the strength she would need if she couldn't free him. Every day that followed her husband's release from that dreary York prison, Anna thanked God for her husband, who was the greatest good in her life, her reward for her struggles and their combined patience, proof that God wanted them together. Anna's faith had never been stronger than it was after that morning in 1920, when all her prayers were answered, and her hard work was rewarded with the sight of her husband and the feel of his body embracing hers.
And now, almost three years after the greatest miracle in her life, Anna found her faith being tested once more, this time in the wake of the house party and Mr. Green.
What was there to be thankful for anymore, when she found herself recoiling at even the slightest glance from her husband? Every night, it was the same prayer for forgiveness, the same plea for understanding, that maybe an angel would descend from the heavens and reassure her husband that everything was somehow alright, that he hadn't done anything wrong.
Dear Lord, please watch over Mr. Bates. I know I've been cruel to him, and forgive me for it. Please let him forgive me for it too, because You know he doesn't deserve it, and I can only imagine how much it hurts- it hurts me too, but it's something I must do, for his sake. It's to protect him, and if I could tell him that, You know I would. He hasn't done anything wrong; he's never done anything wrong, not to me. Please comfort him and forgive me for not listening to him about Mr. Green. I wish I could tell Mr. Bates that he'd been right to warn me away from Mr. Green, but I made my choices and didn't keep a good enough watch, and now I'm paying the price for it, aren't I? It's mine to pay, not Mr. Bates's, and I don't deserve him if I don't have the sense to see that. Thank You, God, for Your understanding and kindness. Please let Mr. Bates see that, and perhaps one day, You'll grant me the strength to explain myself and suffer the consequences of my actions. Amen.
Every time she ducked her head and brushed past Mr. Bates in the hall, a prayer dashed across her mind, sometimes finding its way to her lips, but never teetering over the edge and into the world.
Forgive me, Lord.
At every meal, while Mr. Carson said a prayer from his seat at the head of the table, Anna said one of her own, her eyes fixed on the plate in front of her.
Forgive me, Lord.
When cruelty found its way into her words, every other thought was a simple prayer for forgiveness for her treatment of her husband. Even when she was lying in bed, her last thought was always those three words.
Forgive me, Lord.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading. I know I focus on the attack with a lot of my writings, but that's because there are many ways to explore that in relation to characters and stuff (and Anna is my baby, so I tend to dwell on her a bit). As per usual, reviews are welcome.
Thank you~