The 'Mistaken Identity' Affair
"Illya?"
"Yes, Napoleon. I am awake."
"Damn."
"I suspected it."
"Suspected what?"
"You get a sadistic pleasure from waking me up and I disappointed you by being awake."
"No! I just know when you can't sleep you must be hurting bad."
"Only half of a year in the field together and you already know me so well."
"I'd feel better if I could reach you and check you over."
"So would I. You could scratch my nose for me."
"Scratch your nose? Everything they've done to you and that's what's bothering you?"
"Well, it itches. It is annoying."
"Damn."
"Now what?"
"Now mine's itching too."
"My apologies. I did not realize it was contagious."
"The apology would sound more sincere without the chuckle."
"Trust me, that was not intentional. Laughing hurts at this moment."
"Sorry. How bad is it?"
"I honestly cannot tell, Napoleon. I think something is very wrong though."
"Define that."
"My ribs ache badly. I think I can assume at least two or three are cracked, if not broken. The more troublesome part is the current lack of feeling below the navel region."
"How much lack of feeling?"
"Could you tell me if my legs are still attached?"
"...yes.."
"Well, that is more than I could have told you. I did take quite a pounding to the back, so it may just be swelling. Again, that is more than I can tell you though as I can neither see nor feel it. What condition are you in?"
small rattling sound
"Napoleon? Please answer that or I will start assuming very bad things."
"...I'm... good. Really. They haven't done a damn thing to me except for shooting gloating looks over here whenever they drag you back from your latest session."
"Oh for pity's sake, Napoleon! You are going to feel guilty because you are not being tortured? Mister Waverly will be thrilled. T.H.R.U.S.H. is cutting his medical expenses bill in half."
"That's not funny! ... sorry. I'm sorry, Illya. I don't need to be snapping at you. You're the one taking the brunt of this."
"Part of the job, da? Not my favorite part, granted."
"Might I hazard a guess that things exploding has something to do with your favorite part?"
"See? You know me so well."
"Illya? What sort of questions have they been asking you?"
"None."
"None?"
"Not even name, rank or country of origin. Nothing."
creak
"Napoleon... it might be best for you to appear to be asleep."
"What?"
"No time to explain. Just please do."
"Oh… alright…"
footsteps approaching
creak
"Ah… good to see that you are still with us, Mister Solo. Take him back down. Come. We will have a bit more time together before I have a chat with the Russian."
rattle
creak
footsteps fading
creak
"Damn….. Illya…. why didn't you tell me that they think you're me?"
creak
scuffling
creak
thud
"Don't even bother with the restraints. I doubt Solo could even roll over now. Leave me."
creak
tap.. tap… tap
"Wake up. So? You must be Mister Kuryakin."
"I must be."
"Your English is good."
"Thanks. So's yours."
"You are hardly in a position for levity, Mister Kuryakin. Though we might make a bargain that will be advantageous to us both."
"What sort of a bargain?"
"We arrange it so that you move up to the position of Number 1 in Section 2. From there, it will only be one old man between you and the becoming the head of the New York office of U.N.C.L.E. We have heard of the veiled threats you get from your own people. The notes left in your locker - among other 'pleasant' surprises. The little casual tortures that they like to pretend are just jokes... which you do not get because you are, of course, a soulless communist bastard. Curiosity on my part. How did you explain your injuries to your partner after the gym incident last month?"
"He... was told that a piece of equipment gave way when I was using it. How did you know about that?"
"T.H.R.U.S.H. can perch on windowsills and hear many things. Do you think Mister Solo really believed that? He wants you gone as much as the others do. Oh true, there may not be many that play so rough, but there are enough to make your life hell, aren't there? And the others just turn a blind eye. They would see what the others do to you if they really cared to notice. They are trained observers, aren't they?"
"I ... I admit you make a convincing argument."
"Think about it, Mister Kuryakin. Head of the New York bureau. The power to pay back every injury - every insult - every slight. Even your so-called partner on the floor here thinks you will eventually turn on U.N.C.L.E."
"What?"
"Yes. We told him what we were planning. He didn't say a word to defend you. Not even one."
"Spacibo. Always nice to know exactly how much your partner trusts you. They will never believe it if I come back without him. That would be more than a little fishy."
"Oh, you won't be going back without him. You are about to stage a daring rescue mission. Mister Solo's injuries will be enough to ensure that he won't survive the journey. All you have to do is use this."
"What is that?"
"Just a small capsule. Crush it near his nose and when he inhales it, it will paralyze his lungs long enough to guarantee his death in the line of duty. No trace of it will show afterwards. The strain of the torture combined with the stress of the rescue? The doctors will only be able to shake their heads. Even strong hearts fail occasionally."
"You seem to have thought of everything."
"We have. Including this."
"What is that?"
"A simple lie detector."
rattle
"Work the circulation back through your hands. Very good. Now lay your hand on this. Well? Are you ready to return to New York and take up the position of Number One?"
"I am. I will do it."
"Move your hand... excellent. The truth. You may come out of your cell now. Welcome to the winning side, Mister Kuryakin."
"Spacibo. It has always been my goal to be on the winning side. The guards know not to shoot me when I carry him out of here, don't they?"
"Of course. You are one of our most valuable allies now. A vehicle is waiting for you out front. Officially, you will have stolen it, of course."
"Of course. How far will the fumes from the capsule travel? I don't want to kill myself with it accidently."
"You don't need to fear that unless you place it directly underneath your nostrils and inhale. Here."
"Spacibo."
slam
muffled yell
"You were right about how quickly it works. Illya? Damn it. You die on me and I'll have you demoted."
"...still alive, partner... you did well..."
"Why didn't you tell me what was going on?"
"As guilty as you were already feeling about not being beaten as I was? I did not think you would have reacted well."
"You're right. I wouldn't have. Illya? Is all of what he was saying true? To quote some one in this room, please answer that or I will start assuming very bad things."
"Da. All true."
"Damn. And you didn't tell me?"
"You are... my partner, not my guardian. Napoleon, I must fight my own battles."
"No. No, you don't. We're a team now. We don't have to fight alone. That's what a partner is for. Your fights are mine and you better get used to that, tovarich."
"I think I could get used to that... tovarich."
"Good. You're crazy, you know that? You find out they have us mixed up and you avoid speaking so your accent doesn't point out their error. You took beatings that were meant for me. Mind if I ask why?"
"I? I make things go boom well. Very well. You talk well. Very well. I thought the situation called more for your talents than mine."
"And you believed I could pull out the Solo luck and talk us out of here?"
"I trusted that you would, Napoleon. I know you that well."