Sometimes I wonder if the plan for your life was laid out by God before you were ever born. He had already chosen your perfect life; knew where you were going to live and who you were going to marry as long as you followed His plan. If you defied His plan and did something unheard of, breaking a rule, you'd get thrown off course. Lost in the world of the Devil and thrashed around in life until you came to your senses and stopped being such a sinful human being. I think about God more than Mello realizes. Sure, I'm still the laid-back, I-don't-give-a-hoot guy but there's just a part of my genius mind that wanders off and gets lost in thoughts full of the greater beings. It drives me crazy. One of those thoughts that gives you the feeling that you're going straight to Hell. I'm not sure if that's a good enough excuse to be afraid of death but I know Mello thinks about Hell. As do I, although he hasn't realized it yet.
Now, I'm not getting all sentimental here. I'm not saying I believe in such a thing as God, and I'm sure as Hell not saying I'm going to start praying and counting rosary beads or crap like that. Because I'm never, ever in all that is sane and good going to become one of those Saints or nuns that you see in movies. There's just no way. So all of Mello's disappointment in me for not believing will remain just as I'm used to. I'm just saying there can't just be nothing. Personally nothing, Mu, whatever you'd like to call it sounds much more frightening than a place that resembles Hell. I've never understood why I thought this, isn't it easier to just stop being than to be punished for the rest of eternity? Apparently not. The very thought of becoming nothing sends a shiver through me-- through the very center of my core.
Not being? Your mind erased into nothing, body left to either waste or be burned into ashes, an empty shell? Hands down God, send me to Hell! I'm sure I'll be the first person in the history of time to volunteer for such a thing. My knowledge, of course, is limited. Seeing as I've only been to Mass twice in my entire life my berth of knowing was a bit slimmer than most. Truth: besides the fact that I loath leaving the safety of my games and somewhat sturdy apartment is that I'm… afraid to go to church. Haha, I know, laugh at Matt for being afraid of a few stained glass windows and statues of Our Virgin Mary. I'm not afraid of the building or anything inside it really (okay, the statues do creep me out. Shut the fuck up.) I'm actually afraid of the knowledge. A genius, afraid of knowledge? I know how ridiculous it sounds but to say it straight, I'm better off not knowing what the mass population thinks about the afterlife. I'm scared that I'm going to hear that we are all just going to stop being, that we're erased off of the face of the planet, that we die when our bodies do. I don't want to know for sure. I'm better off in my own scared little world of thought than I am getting biased "facts" from religious leaders and teachers.
At least if I go to Hell there's a chance of being with Mello. Pathetic in a sad sort of way, no? Being nothing will mean that neither of us will ever see each other again. That in itself is Hell. As long as we're together-- in Hell, Heaven, whatever-- I'll be all right. God forbid he should go to Heaven while I go to Hell. Mello deserves the best and the best, so I've heard, is Heaven. I want him to go to the best, I really do. The selfish part of me though, screams at me that I want him with me, even if that means dragging him to Hell with me. How childish. How selfish. How… how… despicable. I make myself sick sometimes. Of course Mello is going to end up in a better place. He prays and goes to his church whenever he's not consumed in his work with the Kira case. I don't. Again, not saying I want to; it's just the facts, that's all. The facts of my scared little world of thought.
I've never had the drive to become better. Not even fear will scare me into a whispered prayer. The sign of the damned is on me, and that's the only reason I'm afraid of this thing called "Death".