It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Carisi swallowed the dryness in his throat as he took in the scene in front of him. Dr. Pollack…down on one knee…everyday people going about their everyday lives stopping in the hallway of the hospital to gawk and whisper to the people next to them. He could even feel a few of them cast curious glances in his direction, as if to wonder what business he had being there with a woman who was clearly committed to someone else.
Deep down, he knew he had no right to be tense. Sometimes, however, it was easy to forget that despite being the constant through both of her pregnancies…despite being willing to offer her everything he had to give…his feelings were one-sided.
Al Pollack was proposing because she was his lover and the mother of his child. Because she may have loved Carisi as a friend, but she would never love him the same way that he loved her. It was something she had made abundantly clear to him over the years.
Rollins sat still, her mouth slightly agape as she looked on at the doctor in silence. Her expression was one that Carisi couldn't quite read. All he knew was that he didn't want to be there. It was selfish, and it was immature, but he couldn't bear the thought of watching another man put a ring around the finger of the woman he'd longed for for so many years. The woman who deserved so much more than a serial cheater who was only proposing out of perceived necessity.
He could have given her so much more.
But he had taken his shot during that trip to West Virginia, and she had responded in full. So much so that there was no need for them to verbally discuss it. The fact that she had rejected him with little subtlety before calling a stranger into her motel room instead spoke louder than any words ever could.
She waited until most of the onlookers were gone before finally telling Dr. Al that she would think about it, and Carisi stayed with them for a little while longer before finally finding an excuse to slip away. Rollins's smile faltered when he conjured up the excuse of having to go meet up with Olivia to discuss the current case further, but the pang of guilt in the pit of his stomach was washed away with the first shot of liquor he forced down after slipping into a little dive bar near the hospital.
Maybe it was pathetic that he had resorted to drinking in the middle of the day…especially when it was brought on by something as seemingly unoffending as a man proposing to the soon-to-be mother of his own child. But by the second shot his own flaws were a distant memory. By the third he could feel the weight on his chest of knowing that Amanda Rollins would soon be Amanda Pollack dissipate. By the fourth he allowed himself to forget every night spent lying awake thinking about how different things could be.
"I don't love you."
I love someone else.
The realization hit her like a freight train, although she couldn't bring herself to break Al's heart by saying the last four words aloud. The thought in and of itself, however, was enough to make her heart race and the tips of her fingers go numb. She wasn't sure how she hadn't realized it before.
Or maybe she had and had been pushing it away so vehemently that she was able to convince herself that none of it was real.
The look of hurt on Al's face was one that had become all to familiar with the men in her life. A part of her paused to wonder why she constantly needed to hurt people. But it was better than stringing him along…letting him think that she was all in…fully committed to him…when, in reality, she couldn't get another man out of her head.
The moment Al had arrived at the hospital was when she finally realized. A part of her wanted to make things work with him. She wanted to give her second daughter what she wasn't able to give Jesse. She wanted her to have the luxury of growing up in a stereotypically normal household with a mother and father who loved each other and could provide everything she could ever want or need. So why was she disappointed when Al showed up next to her as Carisi ushered her down the hallway?
Why — when he got down on one knee and presented her with a beautiful ring that was matched only by engagement rings she had seen in romantic comedies — was the man behind her the only person she could think about? Why did she suddenly wish the roles of the two men were reversed? Why could her mind — despite racing a mile a minute — only settle on memories of movie nights cuddled up on the couch with Frannie while Carisi rocked Jesse to sleep next to her, and spaghetti dinners with the only semblance of a happy family she'd ever known?
A part of her wanted to be a wife and a mother…to live in domestic bliss.
She just didn't want it with Al Pollack.
She wanted it with someone else.
With Sonny Carisi.
Her mouth went dry when she finally found the courage to admit the fact to herself, and her heart began to hammer in her chest when the realization fully settled in.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
She found that Al took her rejection surprisingly well, and she was grateful that he was still more than willing to take part in being a father to their daughter. She only wished that such a big piece of her consciousness wasn't so far away as they finally got the closure they so desperately needed.
Pride had kept her from accepting Al's proposal knowing that she didn't love him. When it came to Carisi, however, she knew it was too late for them. She knew that there was always a brief moment between two people…when someone would take the shot…when things could either catch fire or fizzle out.
And despite her sudden crippling realization that Carisi was the one person who she would be willing to make herself vulnerable for…to risk their professional relationship and their friendship to pursue something she had only considered in the depths of her consciousness while she would lie awake at night…she had a feeling that their shot had passed.
In fact…she could pinpoint the exact moment that it did.
A/N: So I wrote this little mini-fic in about two hours because i had a lot of feelings after that last episode (aka me...a known Rollisi shipper...rising from my coffin). I actually dig the way it turned out so I hope you all liked it too! This might delay the next "Trial by Fire" chapter so apologies if you're reading/waiting on that!