Title: Watching & Wanting

Author: Crimson Love 13

Disclaimer: All South of Nowhere characters and settings belong to The N and Thomas W. Lynch

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Companion piece to Watching & Waiting (Spencer's POV)

Notes: Wow! Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed Watching & Waiting; I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm sorry to announce that I will not be continuing these in a story but I was working on a longer story when these popped up in my head and I'd like to finish & post that one before I get caught up in anything else so these are going to stay one shots; at least for awhile. Well, on with the reading! Hope you enjoy it! Also this is substantially longer than Watching and waiting and may be a bit more angsty.

She's sitting alone at what used to be our table when I walk out of gym. I find myself instinctively starting to walk over to her.

Soon I realize what I'm doing and I veer off to sit at a nearby table.

I'm so confused. Everything in me is screaming at me and they're all saying different things. My mind is replaying the argument with my mother and it's like I've gone back in time.

Flash Back

Spencer is sitting in the kitchen doing homework. Arthur is at the stove carefully stirring something in a large pot.

Suddenly, Paula storms in with Glen hot on her heels.

"Mom! Would you just listen to me?!" Glen shouted after her.

"What's going on?" Arthur asked looking up.

Paula just hands him a bottle with two or three pills left in it.

"Glen…this is almost empty…and it was refilled on Monday! We're going to have a talk about this. This is…whatever it is, it's going to stop." Arthur said as Paula nodded.

"It's about time…" Spencer mumbled under her breath but, unfortunately for her just loud enough for everyone else to hear.

"Spencer, what do you mean by that?" Paula asked.

"Yeah, tell them, Spence, and while you're at it why don't you tell them about your little whore of a girlfriend that turned you gay!" Glen yelled trying, and momentarily succeeding, in getting the attention off of him and his problem.

"Spencer, is this true?!" Paula asked horrified.

Spencer couldn't speak she felt a whirlwind of emotions blow through her at that moment. First was anger which was directed at Glen for what he'd said about Ashley and for what he'd just done. Shock and fear where next; she knew what her mother thought about Ashley and her "choices" and she wasn't even remotely prepared to deal with how she would react.

"Spencer?" Paula asked in a small voice.

"Tell me it's not true…it, it's a lie right? I mean you wouldn't be foolish enough to think you could love a girl…it, it's sick and unnatural." Spencer flinched as Paula's words cut her to the core.

After a few moments of silence Paula took it as an agreement and turned back to Glen. But just as she opened her mouth to address her wayward son, Spencer started to speak.

"If it's wrong, then why is it that every time I'm with her it feels so right?"

Paula turned to face her daughter after ordering Arthur to deal with Glen elsewhere.

"You don't honestly think that's right do you? You don't think that that life will make you happy; that she'll make you happy? Don't you want a normal life, a healthy life…a husband, children? I mean you don't truly believe you love her." Paula said trying to reason with Spencer.

"No, I don't think that it's right…" Paula smiled happy that her daughter was finally being rational.

"I know its right." The smile vanished as Paula realized what was coming.

"Ashley makes me happier than I've ever been and I know I'm young but also know a life with her would make me unbelievably happy. As for a "normal" life that was your dream for me; not mine. And I don't truly believe I love her because every time I'm near her or kissing her or just laying on her bed with her holding me or vice versa I know I'm in love with her."

"That's disgusting." Paula said revolted.

"It's disgusting and I won't allow it. You will stop seeing that girl or I will not have a daughter. If you continue this path you will no longer be welcome in my home. I will not have such filthy predilections around the rest of my children."

Spencer simply stared at her mother unable to speak. Tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks. Finally she realized what her mother had just done. She'd left her with no other options than to leave the one person she loved more than anything. As she realized just what she'd have to do, she felt her heart breaking into a million jagged pieces.

"I HATE YOU! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…" Spencer repeated as sobs wracked her body and she fell to her knees.

Paula hesitated stunned by the massive emotional effect her ultimatum was having on Spencer.

"Spencer? Spencer, I love you…I just want what's best for you." Paula said slowly approaching the sobbing girl.

"Ashley is what's best for me." Spencer sobbed.

"No, sweetie, she's just a temptation, a poison. You'll see this is for the best." Paula said reaching out to comfort Spencer.

"Don't touch me!" Spencer said hoarsely pulling out of Paula's reach. Getting up off the floor, Spencer ran past her father and brother, who had come downstairs to see what the commotion was about, and out the front door.

End Flash Back

My heart, however, is replaying a different memory.

Flash Back

She couldn't remember how long it had been since she left her house, nor did she know where she was going. She just knew she had to get away from her family.

She found herself standing outside of Ashley's door.

She found it ironic that she had run to Ashley even without consciously meaning to. Of course upon further thought she realized it just made it that much harder.

After working up the courage to knock; Spencer fell into Ashley's arms and held on to the brunette tightly as she began to sob again.

They lay on Ashley's bed for hours as Spencer cried, just holding onto each other.

Finally Spencer calmed down enough to tell Ashley what had happened.

"How could she say that to you? I mean I know she doesn't like me, but to say that to you…it's just not right; you're her daughter she should love you no matter what you choose." Ashley said as the two sat facing each other.

Spencer stared at her for a moment before speaking.

"I love you; I will always love you." She said looking deeply into Ashley's eyes.

"Spencer…you're not going to leave me …are you?" Ashley asked in a small frightened tone.

"Ash, I don't have a choice…She's going to kick me out if I don't."

"Then come live with me." Ashley pleaded.

"You know I can't."

"You said you loved me; so tell me Spence if you love me so damn much then why is it so easy for you to leave me?" Ashley asked starting to get angry.

"I do love you, more than anything and don't you think for a minute that this is easy for me because it's not." Spencer said caressing the side of Ashley's face. Ashley looked at her and Spencer saw the pain she was feeling mirrored in Ashley's eyes.

"I love you." Spencer repeated as she leaned closer to Ashley and placed a tender kiss on her lips. The kiss soon intensified as Spencer pushed Ashley back onto the bed and pinned her hands above her head.

"Do you love me?" Spencer asked breathlessly as she nuzzled Ashley's cheek.

"Oh, god, Spencer, do you really need to ask?" Ashley said before moaning as Spencer kissed her again.

"I need to hear you say it." Spencer said looking Ashley in the eye trying to get Ashley to understand.

"Spencer Carlin, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else and I know I'll never love anyone else like I love you." Ashley said seriously. They stared at each other for a long moment before Spencer kissed her again this time she took her time and slowly savored sensations it caused. The rest of that night was spent exploring each other's bodies, it wasn't like their first time soft and tentative it was physically showing exactly how much they loved each other.

The next morning Spencer entered her house with a broken heart and a vow that one day she'd be back in Ashley's arms regardless of what her mother thinks about it.

End Flash Back

A strong pair of arms wrap around my waist from the side.

I see Eric out of the corner of my eye and sigh inwardly.

Eric Bell. He's a sweet guy, really, but he's not who I want; he's not Ashley. In fact he's nothing like Ashley; she's edgy and unpredictable while he's sickly sweet and a choir boy. He makes my mother extremely happy which just disgusts me even more. He tells some stupid story that I guess he thinks is funny so I laugh like I care. A few more minutes pass and he tells another one. Oh, how I wish I were over with Ashley. I momentarily flash back to that night and let out a low moan.

"Thinking about me?" Eric whispers in my ear making me blush. Oh if only he knew. I know he thinks I love him and like being with him I also know he's waiting for us to be intimate but it's never going to happen. I could only do that with her.

I look over at Ashley. She's not reading anymore instead she's lost in her own inner thoughts. I watch as a myriad of emotions play across her beautiful features.

She looks up and our eyes meet. I feel a single tear running down my cheek as I try to hold back the emotions welling inside of me.

I want her, I need her, I love her and one day I'm going to prove to her just how much. But right now I must pretend to be happy with him even though it's killing me to not go to her, hold her in my arms and kiss her senseless, I can't… not yet…