TITLE: Black
AUTHOR: Chauncey10 aka MSCSIFANGSR
PAIRING: Sidle-Grissom
RATING: T/PG-13
SUMMARY: Grissom thinks he's lost Sara for good. Set post-'The Happy Place' but just pre-'Leave Out All The Rest'. Song fic and Angsty GSR.
DISCLAIMER: I'm just playing with the characters from CSI. I do not own the rights to the song contained within this story; "Black" as performed by Pearl Jam. Lyrics by Eddie Vedder; Composed by Stone Gossard. 1998.
SPOILERS: Every show aired in the U.S. to date.
BETA: JellyBeanChiChi
NOTE: I wrote this some time back as part of a longer fic which I discarded almost as soon as I wrote out an outline for it. Outlines are not my friend. But I decided to post this, which is the way I'd intended to post it in the first place. I'm still on hiatus in case anyone is wondering.
Gil Grissom sat in the passenger seat as Greg Sanders drove him to the latest crime scene in the large black county owned SUV.
Several dead bodies, bound and nude, had been discovered in numerous dumpsters in an alley adjunct to the Treasure Island Casino.
Grissom stared out of the window at the neon lights of the casinos as they rode along South Las Vegas Blvd.
Greg fiddled with the radio and tried to find something to listen to other than talk radio. He found a good station as the opening rifts of 'Black' began. Greg stopped and smiled at hearing the song. He d seen the band Pearl Jam play so many times in concert, he felt like they were part of his own family.
Grissom slowly pulled out of his black mood by the words to the song and he became engrossed with the story of the song as he pictured Sara as the heroine of the tune.
Sheets of empty canvas;
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did.
He thought about her lying nude spread eagle in their bed as he quietly got ready for work. She beckoned and he wanted so badly to return to the bed and slip inside. But work and duty called and for him, that siren blared louder than did her call. He wished now that he'd heeded his more base instincts then, instead of slipping out of their bedroom and leaving her there alone.
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun.
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Had taken a turn.
He remembered reading the letter after she d boldly kissed him goodbye in front of Hodges as they stood in the middle of the crime lab. He hadn't known at the time it was goodbye but, afterwards, when he was alone at home with Bruno laying curled up beside him, he wished he'd been able to kiss her back properly and maybe, just maybe, she would not have left in quite the same manner as she had. They had talked some on the telephone, but that wasn't nearly enough.
Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
And he had, everything. Everything that involved forensics; but in matters of the heart, she taught him everything.
I know she gave me all that she wore.
And now my bitter hands,
Shake beneath the clouds
Of what was everything.
She was everything to him and now she was gone. This time she hadn't left a letter, she'd just gone without a word. He was devastated. He silently knew if he'd done better, then maybe she'd still be present in his life physically. He didn't have a clue where she was now and all he felt was a deepening blackness in his life as the song so hauntingly reminded him.
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black.
Tattooed everything.
Blackness and depression tattooed him like the sheath of death and he knew he was clinically depressed. Grissom had spoken to the department psychologist, Patricia Alwick, about his personal situation and how the death of Warrick Brown effected him. The mind numbing depression in his life held a firm grip upon him and he wasn't sure if he could keep up the appearances of his well-known detachment. The good Doctor Alwick had written him a prescription for Wellbutrin, but he'd never gone to the pharmacy to have it filled.
Gil was quickly losing weight because he couldn't eat, couldn't work, couldn't sleep and he knew his health was suffering as a result. Sara had said, "Lately, I haven't been feeling very well." He now understood. Every time he went to the refrigerator to grab a bite to eat, he saw the picture of the two of them together in San Francisco all those many years ago, and he became lost with memories of Sara. Sustaining his body with food became an afterthought.
"Truth be told, I'm tired." Grissom understood that now, too.
I take a walk outside;
I'm surrounded by
Some kids at play.
I can feel their laughter.
So why do I sear?
Greg didn't know exactly what to say to his boss, so he remained quiet, except for quietly mouthing the words the song as he drove the standard issue Denali with his eyes glued to the road. He knew he should ask Grissom about Sara, but he thought better of it as he noticed the how badly her absence appeared to dampen Grissom's soul. It is then that Greg knew for sure that Grissom was not as unaffected by the occurrences from the last several weeks as he previously had thought. He knew that when they reached the crime scene, their other team members would already be there and although Catherine and Nick understood Grissom to a degree, the new girl, Riley would be clueless as to why Grissom would quietly look over the bodies and when David cleared the scene, Grissom would return with the bodies without saying a word to any of them.
Oh and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head.
I'm spinning...
Oh, I'm spinning.
*I am spinning slowly out of control*, Grissom thought as they neared the location of the crime scene. He wasn't looking forward to seeing more dead bodies laying crumpled and decomposing among garbage. Sometimes the mere thought of doing his job sickened him.
Greg parked the vehicle and both got out of the SUV, stooped under the crime scene tape and entered the scene.
How quick the sun can drop away.
And now my bitter hand
Cradle broken glass
Of everything.
Grissom walked slowly to where the first body had been found piled over two others. Detective Jim Brass and Sophia Curtis nodded in his direction. Brass started giving him the background on the case, but Grissom had completely tuned him out as he noticed some broken glass on the ground next to the first dumpster. He pulled some latex gloves out of his vest and slipped them on without much thought, then picked up several pieces with a pair of silver tweezers and noticed the shards of glass were covered in blood.
All the pictures had
All been washed in black.
Tattooed in everything,
All the love gone bad,
Turned my world to black.
Tattooed all I see
All that I am
All I ll ever be
Yeah
Unhuh uh huh oooh.
His whole world was black. He couldn't think straight.
There were thirteen bodies. Men and women. Young, no more than 25. The bodies were so horribly disfigured and whoever had committed these atrocious acts were only insulting humanity with the crime.
That's when he noticed the last one found beside an adjacent dumpster, all alone. It was a brunette about 23 or so, laying in her own blood, slumped forward in the lotus position. Now there were fourteen bodies.
He tried to catch his breath, as he knew he was hyperventilating.
The woman position reminded him of the way Debby Marlin's body had been found all those years ago. Sara Sidle's doppelganger.
*Oh, God, I pray Sara is okay where ever she may be*, his mind screamed. *I love her so much, it hurts. I'm so sorry, my love.*
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life.
I know you'll be a sun
In somebody else's sky.
But why...
Why?
Why can't it be...
Why can't it be mine?
*Yeah, why can't Sara be mine forever?* His brain questioned him as he and Greg left the scene of the crime many, many hours later.
And it was at that precise moment when Grissom decided he could leave his life behind and find the woman he loved, so that the two of them could live their lives together without all of the ghosts of their pasts. He had to leave Las Vegas and soon, so that he could heal; they could heal together.
Several days later, he received her video email from the 'Sea Shepherd'. And he knew he was too late. She'd always warned him about that.
*Goodbye, Sara. My one and only love.*
THE END....well, we know it really wasn't the end, but it's the end of this story...:) Reviews are appreciated.