This idea somehow popped into my head as I was working today and it literally stayed with me the entire day. I think this might be the one piece of work I'm most proud of, and I'm am so happy with how it turned out. 4000 words have never been written so easily by me. Hope you enjoy.
Getting people to understand you is difficult. You have a way about you that screams for affection, yet you hide behind a small wall to keep from getting hurt. You're afraid to let people in, to see the real you, because for years you've been told it's not good enough. So as the years go by and relationships deteriorate, your small stone wall slowly builds higher and higher until it creates a castle, and only those who can truly understand you will be given access by the drawbridge.
It isn't until the incident that you realize no one will ever understand you – what you went through. They'll try, though, and say things like "I can imagine what you're going through" or "I know what you must been feeling". Of course, while you silently thank them for their empathy, you know they're just pretending. They know what happened, but they won't really know. They won't ever really understand. And that's one of the most difficult things to come to terms with. No matter how hard anyone ever wants to understand what you feel, what you've been through, they can't. You're solemnly glad about this, however, because you'd never in a million years wish your experience upon another human being. His other victims, the only people who know exactly what you've been through, are gone. You were his last hostage, and what you experienced will be sadly, but not surprisingly, change you. You secretly hope that one day you can meet someone who will somehow just get you without you having to explain everything or anything to them. And when that time comes, you keep the defense walls up but open the drawbridge enough to let them and only them in, maybe eventually allowing them to reach that forbidden place you keep locked away. You hide that place so well in your castle that only the right people will ever enter, because in it contains the memories and emotions of that fateful day you never want to relive again.
You thought that maybe you could let Nick or Chris in past the walls. They were the ones to open the trunk of the taxi, the ones who waited outside your hospital room taking shifts to keep an eye on you. Both of them care about you, there was no denying that. But they both were the ones to break your heart. Chris, sweet and caring never hurt a fly Chris, had broke your heart by no believing your statements that nothing happened between you and Dov. Chris, the one who gave second and third chances and brought in stray puppies, didn't have faith in your relationship. He should have trusted you, believed you, believed in you. And when he found out about your relationship with Nick, he basically said you were just an option. Like a piece of clothing to try on, only to discard when it was no longer in fashion. His words cut like the sharpest knives in the drawer, and you scoff at the thought of him calling you out for trying on different beds. Sometimes, he could be such a hypocrite, and that's when you tell yourself that you can never trust yourself to love him again. You could never go back to letting him see your broken self and you'd never let that bridge down for him.
Nick, on the other hand, had left you at the altar. Yes, it was just Vegas, but it was real to you and despite your friends with benefits relationship turning into a real relationship, you never could let him gain access to get behind those walls. You tried a couple times, but then realized that instead of trying to persuade you to let the bridge down for him, he was already knocking on Andy's. And when you'd call out to him across the field, almost begging for him to understand why you did what you did, he fires back that it never meant he didn't want to be with you. No, you remember saying, it just meant that you wanted to be with her more. Nick was already behind Andy's walls, so why should he bother with yours. After time, you could try to be friends, but you'll never let the bridge fall for him to pass on.
The friendship you have with Andy and Dov is a weird one. Constant banter back and forth, and friendly insults or real verbal jabs thrown at each other is what you do with them. They couldn't possible fathom what you're constantly feeling. Maybe if you shot or killed someone on the job then they would, but until then you have no real connection between your experiences and theirs. Over time, they become good friends, but nothing more. You still can never fully trust Andy, and honestly you don't think you ever will. She broke the code, and while you have moved on since that petty relationship, it still stings every now and then. She'll be allowed to stand by the edge of the walls, but never will she see the inside. Thoughtful Dov can stand right beside her, because even though they are quite good at throwing playful quips at each other, he never had her back when her relationship with Chris crumbled. He may have thought he managed to break down her walls, but really he never came close. You allow him to be by your side though when you need someone to pick you up with one of those friendly insults.
Traci will always have a place in your heart, as you are probably closest to her out of all the rookies you started at 15 Division with. Some days, though, you find that you can't even look at her, so ridden by guilt that you hide away in empty interrogation rooms until you know there is no evidence of tears in your eyes. Even though she said that she holds no blame to you, you will always feel something. Her solemn "I'm going to be reminded that his death meant something" constantly ring in your ears and stay forever in the back of your mind for the rest of your life. You thank God, or whatever being is out there, that you met a woman like Traci, that you can call her a best friend. The problem with Traci is that while she's the closest of your friends to the drawbridge, you can't let it down just yet. If you do, you're afraid she won't like what she sees behind those walls and opt to stand outside with Andy and Dov. So for now, you let her stand there, until one day in the future when you know you'll make room for her.
Oliver is the father figure you run to when you feel like your hands are bound by that cloth and you need an escape. He'll tell you all about his years on the job and give great fatherly advice and say things like "I'm always here for you darlin'" and that helps make things better for a while. You have a strong connection with him, and eventually an even stronger one after Ford abducted him, but it's not the one you're constantly looking for. You know he loves you, and you'll always be grateful for your friendship. This is why he has a very special place in your castle. He stands watch in the tower you have built beside the walls, making sure to always have your back when you need it.
It isn't until you meet Holly that you realize you've met the person you've been holding out for for so long. She just gets you. She doesn't question your cynical outlook on the world, doesn't care how sarcastic you are, and doesn't pay any attention to your Peck namesake. In fact, she plays into it all. She's just as awkward, just as sarcastic, and just as quick witted as you are. You have nothing in common, and yet so much at the same time. She never asks you to change who you are, she just accepts you the way you wish everyone else would. And that's why she gets you. It surprises you that even though she eventually finds a way to make you open that drawbridge and let her in, there is some unknown reason you can't let her in to that deep, hidden place that you refuse to let anyone go. Holly is the first person to come close, but you still never give her the key to open that locked door. You never mention the incident to her. You had offhandedly talked about Jerry's death once, when you asked her to drive you to the cemetery, because since his death you made a promise to visit his grave on the same day every month – you owe him that. She never once asks you what happened though when the only thing you say about it is that he died saving an officer who had been kidnapped. Your silence on the subject says nothing and everything at the same time. She never once presses for more details, and instead just places a hand on your shoulder as you kneel down to the grave of the man you owe your life to.
Holly is just amazing and wonderful, and it eats you up inside that you can't seem to let her into that forbidden place. You have a feeling she has put the pieces together, that she knows you were the kidnapped officer mentioned in your story that Jerry died saving. You never ask though, and she never pries or says she knows. What's most important, however, is that she never says "I know what you're going through" or "I can imagine how you feel." She never once says those words, and you are so unbelievably happy that she doesn't. She doesn't try to pretend to know what you're feeling. Instead, she stands with you at his grave for hours, enduring whatever weather the world throws out that day. Instead, when you refuse to get in any sort of taxi and brush it off as being highly unhygienic, she walks with you for kilometers if she has to. Instead, when you wake up in a terrible sweat because you hear the tapping of wingtip shoes, she just pulls you close and wraps her arms around you, somehow always being able to find you with her eyes closed. Holly is amazing and wonderful, and she gets you without having to understand what happened. Yet you still can't let her in all the way, and you have no idea why. So, for now she wanders the stone walls, waiting until the day you hand her the key to the locked door that she passes regularly.
It isn't until you meet the new rookie that you realize why you can't let Holly in all the way, at least not just yet. You had to let someone else into that forbidden place first. When the new rookie walks into the parade room, you swear you've seen her somewhere before. You can't quite place your finger on why her face is vaguely familiar, why she keeps looking over at you, or why her name rings a bell when Staff Sergeant Shaw introduces her to everyone in the room. She seems optimistic and chipper, and thanks everyone for the warm welcome to the team. You're so into your own thoughts that you don't realize everyone is standing up, getting ready to go about their duties for the day. You're about to stand as well when Oliver walks over to you and says that you'll be the rookie's training officer. Despite your protests of not being ready, or ever wanting to do that job in the first place, he places his hands on your shoulders and tells you you'll thank him later. As you sigh and look over at the new girl, her light brown hair tied in a low ponytail, you think to yourself that there are worse things in the world and pray this day ends soon. At least there could be some good stories to talk about with Holly and your friends later.
The two of you walk out of the room and you hear yourself mutter something along the lines of "follow me rookie", although now that you think about it you might have said "get me a coffee" because your rookie stops at the coffee counter and asks what you take in it. Sometimes words are hard, and you answer her question and accept the offering. As you walk around 15 Division on your way out to the car, you point out where some things are that every new rookie should know (which is weird because you'd usually keep some of these facts secret). Things like which printer takes forever to work, which interview room feels more 'homey', and surprisingly you state that the interrogation room is one of your favourite places (although you don't mention why it's your favourite).
It isn't until you reach the parking lot and are walking to your squad car that you realize you never introduced yourself. You just figured that everyone knew who you were. That was the glory of being a Peck - people just know your name. You apologize for not saying your name earlier. You're not surprised when she says she knows who you are. What does surprise you is what she says after. It's almost too quiet to hear, but you're sure she said you saved her life. When your hand freezes on the car door handle, you look up to meet her eyes, which are just staring back at you.
"Excuse me?" You find yourself uttering only those two words because you're so shocked at what you're pretty sure she just said.
"About a year and a half ago. You had longer hair then though. Not that there's anything wrong with your shorter hair now." The rookie begins to trail off, trying to save herself from inadvertently offending you, but you don't care. You had let your hair grow out longer since your little breakdown, and it was now almost as long as your police academy days.
"Rookie, stop talking about my hair. Get in the car." She shuts up, nods, and takes a seat in the car. After a moment you find yourself still holding onto the handle, and realize she's now waiting for you to get in the car and drive. You step into the driver's seat and take off onto the streets.
You have a feeling you know where this is going, and realization sinks in that you might know this rookie a little better than you first thought. You decide to probe for more information before assuming anything, though. As Steve always teased, when you assume you make an 'ass out of you and me'. You're really not in the mood to open that vault unless you know for certain that this is the girl you're thinking of. "I've kind of saved a bunch of people. You'll have to refresh my memory." You turn down a few streets as she starts talking.
"My dad talks about you all the time. How you helped save me after I was kidnapped. He says without your help, whatever you did, I wouldn't have been found. You're one of the reasons I decided to become a cop."
Her words sink in like knives in your back and you feel like you now know what your heart tastes like. You know she is exactly who you think she is. You find yourself almost unable to speak her name, but somehow manage to squeak it out. "Grace Allison Finn."
You turn to look at her as you approach a red light and stare at her again. She nods her head in response to hearing her name and you haven't decided if you should be mad at Oliver or thank him. It never occurred to you that there was someone out there who knew exactly what you'd been through. Okay, not exactly, but the closest anyone will ever get to understanding your experience. Yes, you both had different kidnappers, but the sedative injections, being tied to a table and held captive, were the exact same experiences. Her abductor was your abductor's copycat. The light turns green and the vehicle starts to move through the intersection, rolling down the street until you can't drive and think at the same time. You signal to let the cars behind you know you're pulling over, and park the car on the side of the street.
"I owe my life to you, Officer Peck," she starts but you interrupt her and tell her to call you Gail. If it were any other rookie, you'd have relished in being addressed so formally and required that they do so until you tell them otherwise. With Grace, it's a whole different scenario. You vow to yourself to never require or expect that this rookie call you with such formality. Regardless of her protest of respecting her training officer, you state again that she should call you Gail. The two of you share an unspeakable bond you wished didn't exist because the incident wouldn't have happened. But it did happen, and you can't change that. Neither of you can change that. It's when she smiles, agrees, and thanks you once again that you make another oath to always have this woman's back. You hear yourself say that you'll talk about everything after shift and suggest going to The Black Penny for a drink or two. Your rookie accepts instantly, and you both continue on with your day, showing her the ropes and sharing as much information as possible to make her the best rookie she can be.
It isn't until you both have had a couple drinks in your system that the conversation starts to candidly flow. You start discussing light subjects, such as how she felt her first day went, what her time at the academy was like, what she majored in at university and comparing it to your time in college. It's when you start talking about her hobbies that you learn more about her as a person - she plays guitar, volunteers at various women's shelters, and is in a sorority (which you remind yourself to tease her about later). When you inquire about the different things one does in a sorority (especially after graduation, since you learn it's a lifelong membership or something of the sort), Grace casually explains the networking potential, the events, the philanthropy work and money raised for numerous charities, but stops suddenly when she reaches the part about meetings.
You look at her with your crystal blue eyes and realize the two of you are about to discuss the topic that has been hanging over your heads all day. She slowly stammers out, while playing with her beer glass, that she was on her way home from an alumnae meeting when she was attacked. She remembers the 'cab' driver asking if she needed a lift, her constant refusal, and then the attack. Grace tells you she put up as much of a fight as possible, but when she felt that needle go into her neck, she remembers nothing. She recounts how she woke up tied to a table, hearing the sound of bulky boots walking around her, and how when she looked up at her abductor all he could talk about was someone named "Perik".
The name will forever haunt you for the rest of your life, and you shudder slightly at the sound of his name. You're instantly thrown back into that basement as Grace retells details that parallel your captivity. Her kidnapper was a damn good copycat. You find yourself starting to spew out words – no, not just words, details – about your experience. You mention how you remember vague parts of the incident, the lingering sound of his wingtips - those goddamn wingtips – and being thrown in the trunk of the taxi. You explain how you now fear cabs, but her gaze doesn't falter. You hear her say that she also refuses to get in taxis unless someone else is with her, and that she doesn't feel so alone now that she's met you. The rookie smiles at you and takes a gulp of her beer, allowing you time to take a drink yourself. You want to tell her you feel the same, that this is the first time since the incident that you've opened up to someone so much detail, but you stop. There is one major difference between the two experiences and you can't help but feel like that creates a barrier. No one died saving her. You're brought back from your thoughts as you hear her speak once more.
"I know that it wasn't the same, our kidnappings I mean." You can see her stuttering a bit as she talks more into her glass than to you. "And I know there were sacrifices made when you were taken," she must have known about Jerry you think but don't really care how she knew, "but I want you to know that I finally feel like I've found someone who will understand what I've been through. Even though it's not the same, it's the closest there is. And I'll take it."
Grace is looking at you now, having finished her drink and you realize that while she was talking you had downed yours as well. She was right, though. They will never be the exact same, but it will be the closest either of you has. And she does understand your newfound fears, how the stupid tapping of shoes can haunt your memory, how much it sucks to remember everything you do and yet nothing at the same time. But most importantly, she understands why you feel the way you do. It's then that you comprehend the words escaping your mouth are saying that you're happy you met her and that you are honoured to be her training officer. After a moment of silence, she smiles at you once again and you resume light hearted banter, ordering shots of tequila and another round of drinks.
It isn't until you arrive at Holly's house that you recognize how free you feel. The walls inside are still up, but you can already tell something will be different after tonight. You realize that in order to let Holly in to that forbidden place, hidden way under stone walls, you had to find someone who would truly understand your situation. You had to let down that bridge once more, but this time it was a bit different. You let down that bridge so a familiar stranger could enter those defense walls. Because with them, they brought a key that when given to you opened up the locked away place that now only those behind the wall could access. You realize now that there are only two people behind that wall: Grace and Holly. There are two women standing there, two people you never knew you needed in your life until the very moment you met them. You had to talk to the one person who could understand everything you went through in order to open up to the one person who could understand you. When Holly opens the door, you can't help but melt into her beautiful smile, especially when she lightly grabs your hand and leads you inside. Holly never asked for details, but now you feel like you can entrust the key to her. So, you promise yourself that tomorrow when the two of you go to the cemetery, you'll give her that key to unlock the forbidden room for herself.
Because now you have two protectors to guard your walls when you feel like breaking down.