DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but I always wodered what would happen if I say I do. :D
«Die For You»
Mary's pov:
~*~Your fear it moves me
Your weakness I taste
I breathe you, I hate you
You course through my veins~*~
I stood in shock of what he just told me. He didn't want to marry me. I was just an alliance for him. My heart clenched at his words. Has he forgotten all those happy memories we had as children? All the sorrow we felt when we were torn apart? I know he felt it too. I could always say what he felt... at least till now. I knew he wouldn't be the same as he was when we were little but I hadn't seen this coming. But even now I could see the reasons he had behind his reluctance. French have always been greedy. If even a slightly better, more beneficial option comes along for Francis, they would care nothing for their words and promises. So logically even the slightest attachment would result in heartbreak. it made sense to my mind but not to my heart. Didn't he feel our connection like I did? Didn't he feel anything at all? I didn't know and it was killing me. Only time could tell and I have never been patient.
~*~ And now and now ~*~
He came to my rescue. I couldn't believe it but he did. I was trembling in fear of what Simon just told me and their countless unknown plans to remove me from their path to Scotland and possibly England too. He felt it. He sensed my need and came get me away from that monster. Although his drunken innuendos were hilarious I couldn't bring myself to laugh or even smile. I was overwhelmed by my fears and also surprise, maybe hope too; the hope that maybe he wasn't as indifferent and cold as he seemed.
"we will prove them our union is strong." My heart smiled at that but my mind took over me. "But it isn't." it answered instead of my heart. "They will think it is before their visit is over." he smiled but the smile on the face of my heart faded. So all he was offering was a disguise. The mask of a happy couple on faces of two individual people. He held out his hand and smiled. "Can you do this?" in a heartbeat. "Absolutely. Can you?" I asked with doubt. His smile just widened as he pointed at his extended arm. I took his hand and we moved toward the crowd, both of us pretending something we knew wasn't true. He was pretending that we were happy, strong, in love and unbreakable and i... I was pretending that we weren't pretending.
~*~You want me, you love me
And I hate myself
I need you but I hate you
Cause I want nothing else~*~
He kissed me or it was a dream because it ended as quickly as it started. Either way I didn't want it to end. I was floating in the ocean of everything I ever wanted. "You should marry Tomas." and his words wrapped around my ankles like an iron ball and drowned me. I was gasping for air, literally. "I can't help you. France can't help. There are no more troops to send. Do what's right for your country." he was right, so painfully right yet I wanted to argue. "Can you say that I'm wrong?" and I couldn't. He knew it so he just turned and walked away. After a few seconds the reality began to sink in. I needed to marry a man with armies and power to save my country whoever he was. But i, Mary, not queen of anything, just a girl needed Francis. I loved him and I needed him and I hated him for it. Because he was my weakness, a crack in my armor. but at least now I knew I was his weakness too. He wanted me and loved me too. But what should have filled me with joy stabbed me with sorrow. I hate you Francis... I hate that I love you. You were right. We shouldn't have gotten attached.
~*~And I bleed you since I've healed you
Your pain escapes through me
Cause I breathe you but I hate you'
Cause they say we could never be
They can't see~*~
How could Tomas be so evil to rip me away from my other half? Was it even Tomas who ripped us apart? Or Simon? Or fate? Or me? Because at the end of the day I was the one who agreed to the proposal. Our relationship has just healed only for me to break it again. But at the moment it didn't matter much. Here I was, lying on the ground, surrounded by trees, humming birds and topaz rays of sunset, my lips locked with my love's, sealed in a silent promise, the promise of a never ending love. His hands roaming my body igniting a desire that could never be satisfied. Breathing every scent and feeling in, I realized I could happily stay like that forever. I hated that he could make me feel like this, so dependent, so vulnerable. But more than that I loved him and I loved that even in Portugal, a country apart nothing could separate us. What others saw was an engagement broken, an alliance ended but then again they didn't see was we saw and didn't know what we knew.
~*~I know I shouldn't love you
There's just too much to fake
But you see me, and I feel you
And I am not afraid, I'm not afraid~*~
Now after almost losing him I know with every fiber of my being that how fragile our future is. We are totally at the mercy of our parents, our countries, our duties. Whether it makes sense to them we will be together and if not... well the options for a royal aren't limited at all. My two weeks engagement and almost sealed treaty with Tomas should have thought us to keep our distance and harden our hearts against each other. There were too many risks, too many important things at stake. But I didn't care and surprisingly neither did Francis. We threw caution to the wind and lost ourselves in the magical world of 'just Mary and just Francis'. Now I knew he was mine as I was his. I knew we had made each other breakable by our unbreakable bond. But I was not afraid. Whatever fate throws in our way we will deal with it... together. I thought with conviction.
~*~And I bleed you since I've healed you
Your pain escapes through me
Cause I breathe you but I hate you'
Cause they say we could never be~*~
It's unbelievable how easily I ruined our happiness. lack of breakfast, a goblet of wine, a kiss and an argument was all it took for me to find my way in his brother's arms and break his heart. he was hurt I understood that. I was illogical and stupid I understand that too. What I don't understand is why his eyes are still distant like my first days back at court. I apologized. I explained. I apologized again. I broke my pride for him. But that look didn't fade. I hated that it was so easy to destroy everything we built together and it was so hard to build it again. Maybe they are right. Maybe political marriages are meant to be loveless and we queens are doomed to a lifetime of unrequited love, like Catherine, like me. Maybe they are right. Maybe we can never be just a girl and just a boy.
~*~It seems the pain's been traded
Since I pulled you through
And now my mind's been so jaded
And I would kill myself for you, I'd die for you~*~
We became jealous and fought, just like children. Olivia, bash, the pagans, and all that pain seems far away now that I'm faced with the biggest fear of my life, fear of losing him. I wouldn't let that happen. No matter what it takes I would save him. I tell him my plan and make him agree with it, not for his sake but for his brothers and others who were trapped with us. He kissed me and for a moment I forgot the entire world. I let his lips wash off the exhaustion of the days we spent avoiding each other. His lips left mine and it all came back crashing down on me. I made him promise that he wouldn't return. His eyes were doubtful, his brow wrinkled in worry. he knew the chances of success are slim, at least for my ladies and i. so did i. what he doesn't know is that I wouldn't think twice before choosing between my safety and his, between my life and his. I would walk in fire for him. I would die for him.
~*~And I bleed you since I've healed you
Your pain escapes through me
Cause I breathe you but I hate you'
Cause they say we could never be~*~
I heard him cry out for me, beg me to stop. I saw him fall to his knees on the dirt. I knew I was betraying him, my promises to him. Most importantly I was betraying us. But I didn't have the courage to return to him or even look back at him. I knew it would break my resolve. I was doing this for him, to save him from the painful fate I brought him. I shouldn't let his breakdown weaken my determination. I had to be hard and cold like a doctor who has to hurt his patients to heal them. Still with every cry my heart throbbed. I envisioned his beautiful face, cold, motionless, emotionless, and dead and that was all it took for me to ride faster away from him. I knew my leaving would affect him badly but my presence would bring him pain. So I escape from him, from the dreadful future Nostradamus predicted, hoping his that pain escapes through me.
~*~And I bleed you since I've healed you
But I hate you, but I breathe~*~
I hurt him. And I saved him these are all I thought about as I lied under the starry sky of forest. My chest hurt from my own heart break. Even when he wasn't with me he was all I could think about, all I could feel. I hated the power he had over me. But there was nothing I could do about it. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes in the full knowledge that there was no escape...not even in dreams, or rather nightmares.
~*~And I see you and I feel you
And I hate you but I'd die for you~*~
Weeks passed and he never left me. He was with me every step of the way. If closed my eyes I could see him, smell him and even feel his soothing touch on my skin. I needed him like a drug. My whole body ached for him. But however great my desire for him was, my need to protect him was greater. I would save you Francis... no matter what it costs me. I promised in my heart.
~*~ I'd die for you ~*~
Inspired by: Megan McCauley - Die For You Lyrics
This is the first story that I publish so i apologize for any mistakes. And i owe a special thanks to a special friend of mine Cris.P.C for her encouragments and nice words and another special thanks to all of you who read this. THANK YOU ALL!