The Merlin Awards
Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I a candidate for the Darwin Awards. If I don't own that what on earth makes anyone think I own Harry Potter.
Authors Note: The Darwin Award rewards those human beings who successfully remove themselves from the gene pool in a spectaculary stupid manner. The incidents in these stories will either be base on canon events or totally AU.
This first chapter is dedicated to my excellent beta reader barmy-ol-badger.
The Merlin Awards
Three Categories
The Assisted Merlin: Where the wizard/witch is killed by someone else as a result of their own stupidity.
The Honourable Merlin: for doing something so monumentally stupid that the wizard/witch should have died but by some quirk of fate managed to survive.
The Merlin: for the wizard or witch who manages to remove themselves permanently from the magical gene pool, in a spectacularly idiotic fashion. No horcruxes people.
The Seamus Finnegan Incident
(The Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin)
On St. Patrick's Day of Seamus Finnegan's seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry he was finally successful in his attempt to make water into rum.
6 hours later, after the majority of Gryffindor had drunk large quantities of rum to celebrate his success. Seamus convinced himself that he was a leprechaun and thus could be expected to fly with out the aid of a broomstick.
After various Gryffindor's telling him that he couldn't fly and that he wasn't a leprechaun He declared that he was telling the truth and could prove it. After leading several classmates to the top of the tallest tower in the castle he jumped. Needless to say Seamus wasn't a leprechaun and didn't survive the fall in spite of Madam Pomfrey's best effort.
Thus any Hogwarts student who attempts to turn water into rum will be referred to as 'Pulling a Seamus'.
Norbert the Second
(The Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin)
20 years after Hagrid was convinced to let Norbert go with Ron's brother Charlie to the dragon reserve in Romania, Hagrid managed to get his hands on another dragon's egg.
At this point he was still living in his hut with Fang on the Hogwart's grounds, though this time nobody knew what Hagrid was doing. Precisely four months after the egg hatched the baby Hungarian Horntail developed its fire and in the middle of the night set Hagrid's hut ablaze.
The only creature within a 50 metre radius that survived was the giant squid and that was only because the merpeople helped it swim rapidly down to the bottom of the black lake.
The Harry Potter File
(The Honourable Merlin, Confirmed by Merlin)
For all intents and purposes the judging panel of the Merlin awards are astounded that Harry Potter is still amongst the living. Over the past seven years this committee has received no less than 10 nominations for this award.
Fighting a possessed Quirrell for the Philosopher's Stone
Thinking that flying a car to Hogwart's and crash landing into the Whomping Willow is a good idea.
Fighting a thousand year old basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, with the aid of a phoenix and an old hat which dropped a sword on his head.
Facing off with 100 dementors before he knew if he could cast a Patronus Charm and almost getting kissed by a dementor before finally getting the spell right.
For not running the instant that the portkey had dumped them in the middle of Little Hangleton's graveyard.
For forgetting to open the present given to him by Sirius Black and going to the Ministry and almost getting himself killed by 7 death eaters. (Including Bellatrix Lestrange & Lucius Malfoy)
Immediately following this Harry Potter once again meets Voldemort and almost dies before Albus Dumbledore arrives at the Ministry and saves him.
For being present that night on the tower when Albus Dumbledore was killed by Severus Snape. Harry ran after Professor Snape and was soundly trounced in the fight due to his inability to shield his mind & cast spells silently.
Mentioning the Dark Lord's name which almost got him killed by the Dark Lord's Death Eaters.
Dying but coming back to life during his final fight with Voldemort.
Quite frankly this committee can't believe that Harry Potter managed to survive his last fight with Voldemort and wishes that he'd died simply so that we could give him The Merlin and be done with it. However we do look forward to his next attempt.