Omg, it's the stupendous, fantabulous, superpantaculus… PASS THE MUFFINS! DOES IT MAKE YOU HAPPY?
Be prepared for insanity and... well... insanity.
This is a one-shot, but I MIGHT add more chapters if people love this fic enough for me to want to write more.
Oh, and to any readers who may have read my old script-format fics, click the Realm of Insanity link in my profile to see some of my old stories! I'm currently working on a WAY improved version of the Odd Story. Yay.
Disclaimer: I owneth not Nintendo, LOZ, Link's tights, or a pet hamster.
Pass The Muffins.
"Link, would you pass the muffins?"
Link looked up over his newspaper at Zelda. He rolled his eyes and threw a muffin at her.
"Idiot, this is blueberry!" Zelda exclaimed angrily. She threw the muffin back at Link. "Give me cinnamon."
Link tossed another muffin at her.
"Link, this is an effing CORN muffin. I WANT CINNAMON!"
"Get it yourself, Zelda," Link said, slamming the newspaper on the table.
"What if I don't want to?" Zelda said, slamming the corn muffin on the table.
The two looked ready to kill each other, when Ganondorf entered the kitchen.
"I'M HOOOOOOOOOOOOME!" Ganondorf screamed. Link and Zelda jumped.
"What the hell?" Link said. "You don't live here!"
"And we're in OOT Hyrule!" Ganondorf said. "Look at you, you're reading a newspaper in a kitchen with a fridge, oven, sink-"
"What's your point?" Zelda asked.
"Those things don't exist here! Moron!"
Then Ganondorf saw the TV in the living room. He cackled evilly, grabbed the TV, and ran out the door with it.
"… HE STOLE MY NEW PLASMA TV, THE BASTARD!" Link shouted. He ran out the door after Ganondorf.
"Finally, I can eat my muffin in peace!" Zelda said.
Before Zelda could eat the muffin, Saria and Malon ran inside. Saria took the muffin from Zelda and said, "Zelda, do you know how many carbs are in this thing?" She threw the muffin out the window.
"My muffin!" Zelda gasped.
"Now you won't have to worry about your figure being destroyed by the evils of carb-infested muffins!" Malon said. "Doesn't that make you happy?"
"YOU THREW MY PRECIOUS CINNAMON MUFFIN OUT THE WINDOW!"
Zelda grabbed a nearby frying pan and swung it at the two girls. Malon shrieked and dived out the window and Saria ran into the bathroom and locked the door. Zelda flung the frying pan at the stove in rage. She then proceeded to the door, determined to hunt down and damage Link for not passing her the right muffin.
- - -
Zelda stormed into the marketplace, armed with a flamethrower and 5 rupees so she could buy another muffin after she hurt some people. She could hear Link screaming "GIVE ME BACK MY TV!" somewhere, but she couldn't tell where his exact location was.
"Oh, Miss! MISS!" a man shouted, waving to Zelda. He ran up to her while holding a necklace. "Would you like to buy this beautiful gold necklace? Only... um... how much money you got?"
"Five rupees," Zelda said, eyeing the necklace suspiciously. It looked fake.
"Ok then, would you like to buy this BEAUTIFUL GOLD NECKLACE for five rupees, Miss?"
"... no."
"TOO BAD!"
Before Zelda knew what was going on, the man snatched Zelda's wallet and ran off laughing. Zelda stood still for a moment, then she screamed, "YOU TOO ARE MY ENEMY! PREPARE TO DIE!" She ran after the man, shooting flames all over the place. Quite a number of people got charred.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU THEIF!" Zelda bellowed.
"NO WAY YOU PSYCHO!" The man shouted. He tried throwing things at her to slow her down but Zelda would either dodge them or burn them with the flamethrower. Then he grabbed something a person he ran by was holding. It was a muffin. A cinnamon one. The man threw it, hoping that it would make a direct hit.
Zelda saw another item being thrown at her. She held up her flamethrower to annihilate it but then she noticed it was a muffin. She dropped the flamethrower and stopped running. The muffin was flying directly at her. Zelda held her hand out and caught the muffin. Her eyes lit up.
"YES, IT'S CINNAMON!" She shrieked excitedly. She was just about to eat it when Link ran up to her. "Look Link, a muffin!" Zelda said. "Now I-"
"Wow, a muffin! I'm famished!" Link interrupted. He grabbed the muffin and swallowed it whole.
"-HAVE TO KILL YOU," Zelda shouted in rage. She clenched her fist.
"Thanks for the muffin, Zelda!" Link said. He skipped away merrily.
Zelda picked up her flamethrower and aimed at Link. She was about to destroy him and his muffin ingesting evilness when she was trampled by his fangirls. Then Zelda's fanboys trampled over Link's fangirls. The fangirls cried out for help and Link's fanboys trampled Zelda's fanboys while Zelda's fangirls popped up and trampled over Link's fanboys.
"WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FIC?" Zelda cried, gesturing at the fanboys and fangirls. The authoress made them disappear. "Thank you!" Zelda said.
"No problem," the authoress said, giving Zelda a thumbs up.
Then quite randomly, a ginormous mushroom appeared and ran over Zelda's flamethrower.
"THAT WAS COMPLETELY STUPID!" Zelda exclaimed.
"Aw, shut up. It's my fic not yours," the authoress said, throwing a plastic cinnamon muffin at Zelda.
"NO, IT SHALL BE MY FIC! MIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNEEEEEEE!"
Zelda went into a nearby computer store, bought a computer, registered on fanfiction .net and wrote and posted a fanfic.
"Now I have Author Powers, for I am now an authoress like you!" she said triumphantly.
SFX: CRASH! BANG! SHING! THUD! BLAH BLAH!
Zelda stood up and rubbed her head. She was surrounded by rubble. "Um, ok, what the heck happened?" she asked.
"I typed in some sound effects, and everything got destroyed by the objects that make those sounds," the authoress said.
"So," Zelda said, looking at the SFX, "Everything was destroyed by... breaking glass, a gun, a sword, and a blunt object?"
"Don't forget the Blahs."
"This has nothing to do with muffins."
"Bah, muffins."
Zelda sighed. "I'm tired," she said. "And my appetite is gone. Bye then." She walked away into the sunset.
Meanwhile, Link was in his secret cinnamon muffin hiding chamber under the sink, scoffing down as many muffins as possible.
Shall I continue? I will if 5 people ask me to.
Wow, it's like... 11:27 PM right now :D I'm surprised my mom's letting me stay on the computer this late.
Don't forget to review everyone! Bye!