I'm A Fighter
Hey guys- here is my new season 14 fic- based on Amelia's new storyline on the show about the shocking discovery of her brain tumor and how she and those around her handle the news.
Dear kazzieee had requested me to write about Addison/Charlotte flying over to Seattle to be with Amelia, so this is dedicated to her. 3
I also dedicate this fic to dear friends whom I regularly chat with, thank you for always keeping my lonely soul company! I love and really appreciate you all! 3
elipcius, fight-until-you-cant-fight-anymore private-practice-fan
P.s This chapter is also loosely based on the promo for episode 3 of the actual show.
Chapter 1
Throughout her entire career, Amelia Shepherd had studied numerous brain scans of her patients. She had seen all sort of brain tumors, both benign and malignant. She had always been fascinated by tumors, seeing them on scans and removing them give her life. She loved the thrill and excitement of detecting a tumor in a patient's brain and subsequently cutting the tumor out in the OR. The bonus? Patients were always grateful and thanked her for it.
But now, this was different. This was her own brain, not a patient's. It felt really strange, studying her own brain.
She stood still staring at the scans, feeling her entire world crumble around her yet again. Having lost so many loved ones in her life, she should have been accustomed to grief and pain. But each time she learnt bad news, she would feel like universe had dealt her another blow.
'Damn you, universe. ' she muttered to herself. The universe must really hate her indeed. She never could catch a break from bad things happening to her and her loved ones.
Meanwhile, the DeLuca siblings were still standing there, looking at her sympathetically.
The next thought that came to her mind was the irony of it all. She was a damn neurosugeon, and she had a brainless baby, her brother died due to a brain injury and now she had a brain tumor. How ironic was that? She could hear the lyrics to Alanis Morrisette's song ' Ironic' in her head.
The irony of it all tickled her, causing her to laugh out loud.
She continued laughing and laughing as the DeLuca siblings stared at her, with confused expression on their faces. They exchanged worried glances.
Andrew slowly walked over to Amelia, tapping her on the shoulders. Dr. Shepherd was one of his favorite attendings and he had the uttermost respect for her. Seeing her finding out about this broke his heart too. Her laughter scared him though and for a moment he thought the tumor might have caused her bizarre reaction.
'Dr. Shepherd.' he called, before pausing, at loss of words to say to her.
She turned to to look at him, wiping tears from her eyes. She didn't know whether there were tears from laughing too hard or from the devastation she felt inside.
' Isn't it ironic?' she asked him in a sarcastic tone. ' Isn't it ironic for me, a brain surgeon, to be having a brain tumor? I see and operate on these type of tumors all the time! But now, who's going to operate on me? Huh?'
She turned from a wordless Andrew back to her scans. It felt weird, studying her own scans.
From what she could see, the tumor looked benign, seemingly a meningioma. It was well circumscribed, with a regular border. It seemed to be about 10 cm x 10 cm in size, and located in her frontal lobe.
Her neurosurgeon mode took over as her mind raced with possibilities on how to treat this tumor of hers. Derek never stood the chance when he had brain injury after his accident, but she was given the chance now, so she was going to make full use of her neurosurgical expertise.
She straightened her back and lifted her head up, showing her superhero pose. She recalled teaching Edwards the pose, the same pose which she used whenever she was scrubbing in for surgery. She recalled using the pose before operating on Herman. She needed that superhero pose now, more than ever.
She was Amelia Superhero Shepherd and she wouldn't go down without a fight. She was going to keep true to her personal motto- to fight until she couldn't fight anymore, to never let go, never give up, never run, never surrender. She was going to fight the good fight.
She asked herself how she would treat this tumor if it were one of her patients. She would need surgery, that's for sure. If for some reason not the entire tumor could be removed, she might need radiation therapy. And what were the complications that could occur from the surgery? Considering it was a large tumor- plenty of things could go wrong. She knew that the frontal lobe had a rich supply of blood vessels and nerves and with a tumor of that size, the blood vessels and nerves wouldn't be spared. She knew that there would be risks of paralysis, loss of sensation and slurring or loss of speech, a few of the many things that could go wrong. She would need the best neurosurgeon available to operate on her. Who could she find to operate on her? Now that Derek was gone, who was the best neurosurgeon around? Nelson only operated on simple cases and not huge tumors like this.
' Oh Derek- I need you right now.' she thought to herself as she looked up at the ceiling. Maybe it was a sign that Derek wanted her to join him up there?
But then, what would happen to Owen? He would be devastated. In fact, she dreaded to think of what his reaction would be once he found out about her tumor.
' Can you help me print out those films please?' she instructed Carina in a calm voice, although inside her heart was pounding.
' Sure thing Shepherd.' said Carina, feeling pity for the neurosurgeon whom she had just met.
15 minutes later, after convincing the DeLuca siblings that she was fine and wanted some time for herself, Amelia was sitted in an on call room with her scans and a pile of her own research notes. She figurerd that an on call room was the best place to be, with minimal disruptions and the least chance of bumping into someone she knew. She had read numerous articles before about meningiomas, and had done tons of research regarding it. But now that she herself had a meningioma, she wanted to find out the best possible and latest approach to treat it.
All the articles she read and researched had mentioned surgery as the best way to treat the tumor. There were different surgical techniques though and she wanted to find out the latest and least invasive approach with the most minimal risk of complications.
She didn't know how long she sat on the floor of the on call room, lost in her own world, going through the scans when the on call room door opened.
In wandered a tired looking Richard Webber, who had just finished his shift and was looking forward to having some rest.
He stopped on his tracks when he noticed that the on call room was occupied.
' Oh hello there Shepherd.' he greeted Amelia as he spotted her sitting on the floor, holding the scans in her hand and being surrounded by what seemed like printed out research papers. ' Busy researching for an upcoming surgery?'
' Yes.' she answered curtly as she turned her attention back to the scans.
Richard cleared his throat as he took a seat on one of the hard on call room beds. Amelia ignored him as she continued looking at the scans.
' You know, Shepherd, some people have been expressing concerns.' Richard began. 'Apparently, you have been performing surgeries without considering whether the risks of the surgery outweigh the benefits. I know that you're a great neurosurgeon- the best we have in the country. But there are several factors that need to be taken into account before you operate on someone.' he continued.
Amelia sighed, knowing that Bailey would have been the one telling Webber about her recklessly performing surgery on her young patient earlier on that day, after being informed by Jackson Avery.
She finally turned around to look at Webber.
' My patient didn't die, Webber. In fact, he fully recovered from his surgery and isn't in pain now.' she pointed out.
' I know, but what I'm trying to say is that- you wouldn't be that lucky all the time.' Webber tried to explain patiently. ' What if the next time you perform such a risky surgery the patient develops complications?'
' The next time? Would there be a next time?' Amelia wondered silently to herself.
' I appreciate that, Webber. I really do. But as you can see, I have a patient to tend to.' Amelia said, trying to sound as polite as possible. The last thing she needed at the moment was Webber giving her a pep talk.
Ignoring Amelia's reply, Webber was now focusing his attention on the brain scans that Amelia was holding in her hand.
' Wow, that is a huge tumor!' he pointed out, ' I 'm no neurosurgeon but that does not seem like an easy tumor to operate on. But I do have faith in you, that you can do it.'
That was the breaking point for Amelia. She couldn't contain her secret anymore, she needed to tell someone. She trusted Webber more than anyone else to keep this secret of hers. He was like a father figure to her and to all the other hospital staff.
' Do it? You mean operate on my own brain?!' Amelia asked, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. ' Because that would be groundbreaking surgery indeed.'
There was a tense silence in the room as Webber processed what Amelia was saying. Did the Head of Neurosurgery of their hospital and the top Neurosurgeon in the country just say that the scans she was studying was hers?
' Shepherd.' he whispered, at loss of words to say to her. His heart really went out to her, she never seemed to be able to catch a break from bad things happening to her.
' Don't Shepherd me.' she muttered. ' And please don't give me that look again, the look whenever someone has to deliver bad news. I hate that look.'
' I'll help you find another top neurosurgeon in the country.' Richard offered. ' I heard that from the Thomas Jefferson Hospital is ranked second after you.
' How are his credentials? The success rate of his surgeries?' Amelia asked, now understanding the anxiety that patients feel about a surgery.
' I heard that he has a 70% success rate, which is really high considering that neurosurgery is the field with the lowest success rates.' Webber answered.
Amelia remained silent as she stared once again at the scans in her hands. She couldn't picture another surgeon digging his hands into her brain. She couldn't imagine having to leave her life up to someone's hands.
She shook her head silently as the weight of the situation finally dawned upon her. A stray tear rolled down her cheek.
Feeling his heart break for the neurosurgeon, Richard patted Amelia's shoulder comfortingly.
' You need a support system.' Richard pointed out. ' You can't do this alone, no matter how strong and tough you are. Hunt needs to know. And you need to have family and friends to support you through this. You need to be surrounded by people who love you.'
' I have no one.' Amelia shook her head sadly. ' No one cares about me. Owen has given up on me and thinks I don't love him anymore. His family hates me. My own family hate me and think I'm a disgrace to the family. Meredith is busy with work and being a mother and I'm pretty sure she hates me too. Maggie has her own life to lead. My friends in LA are too far away and have their own families and lives. Derek is the only one who would have cared, but he's no longer around.'
She looked up at Richard with sad and teary eyes.
'You should at least talk to Owen.' Richard suggested. ' I'm sure he hasn't given up on you, and would be there for you if you let him.'
' I've pushed him away time and time again.' Amelia confessed. ' It's not that I want to, I love him so much, but I can't can control my actions and emotions sometimes. Now I now why.'
' I know Hunt. He would want to support you, if you tell him the whole truth. Please let him.'
Amelia nodded, admitting the truth in Webber's words. Owen deserved to know, he was her husband after all.
' I'll go and make some calls to find the best neurosurgeon for you, ok?' Webber said reassuringly. ' I'll ensure that you get the best treatment and service available.'
He got up to leave and ambled slowly towards the door, still reeling over his latest discovery.
' Webber!' he turned around to face Amelia again as she called out his name.
' Please don't tell anyone.' she begged him with pleading eyes. ' I want this to remain a secret between us. I don't want the entire hospital to know. So far, only the DeLuca siblings know, and that's because they were there when I saw my scans. But I don't want anyone else to know about this.'
' I wouldn't, I promise. You have my word on that. Patient confidentiality is very important in the medical profession.' Webber said earnestly.
' Ok.' Amelia gave him a small smile, feeling somewhat comforted by the fact that at least Webber would have her back and be there to support her.
The rest of the day went by in a daze for Amelia. She cancelled all her remaining surgeries and consults for the day- giving the excuse that she wasn't feeling well, and left Nelson to do the pre and post operative rounds and to review incoming neurosurgical cases in the ER.
She locked herself up in the on call room for another few hours, engrossed in researching the latest surgical techniques for operating on a meningioma.
It would have been there in her brain for so many years to have grown to that size, she knew. She never felt any symptoms, no headache, vomitting, dizziness, no signs of increased intracranial pressure, which is why she never suspected any pathology in her brain and never had a brain MRI done. Another thought crossed her mind- the frontal lobe was responsible for controlling decision making, problem solving, spontaneity, judgement, impulse control, and social behavior. She wondered, could her decisions all this while- running away from James several years ago, and now Owen, have to do with the tumor? It couldn't be her addiction though, because her addiction started during her teenage years. But how she ran away from those who loved her, could it be due to the tumor? She recalled having a patient who had reckless behavior, and made a 360 degree change in behavior after she removed his frontal lobe tumor. Could her case be similar? Maybe that was why she had no one, she kept on pushing people away and running away from those who loved her. In a way, it was a relief that she finally had an explanation for her behavior all this while. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't control her impulses to run.
Finally convinced that she had read up every single latest research about meningioma- Amelia walked out of the the on call room and brought her scans to one of the xray viewing rooms.
Placing them on the scan viewer, she stared at the scans of her brain again. Had it been a patient's scans, she would have marvelled at what a beautiful tumor it was. But now that those were her own scans, it didn't look beautiful at all. Instead, it looked like a monster.
' I'm going to fight you, monster of a tumor' she thought to herself.' 'I wouldn't go down without a fight. I'll fight you to the very end.'
Being so engrossed in the scans, she didn't notice the door to the scan room opening.
' So this is your hiding place huh? My family are convinced that you have disappeared from the face of planet earth.' Owen said, as he walked over towards her.
Amelia continued staring at the scans, her back facing him, as a stray tear rolled down her cheek.
She had to admit, his words hurt. If only he knew. If only they all knew.
' I have a patient.' she answered, her voice quivering a little as she faced her back towards him, not wanting him to see the tears pooling in her eyes.
' Amelia.' Owen sighed. He had enough of her strange behavior. It was obvious that she was hiding something from him, and he had enough of this. He was her husband, why can't she just open up to him and tell him what the heck was going on with her?
' Amelia, look at me.' Owen said softly but firmly. Amelia knew that when he used that tone of voice, it was best to obey.
She slowly turned around to look at him with watery eyes.
Owen's heart sank as he saw the defeated expression on her face. He had seen that expression before, she wore the same expression when he told her of Derek's death.
' I know…..I know that I'm the worst wife ever. I know that your mother and sister and Teddy hate me so much and think you deserve much better. They are right, you know. You can just leave me. It's ok, really, I'll understand.' she rambled as tears started rolling down her cheeks.
Owen was really confused now. What on earth was she talking about? Of course her running away from him without explanation wasn't the best decision she had made, but he never thought that about her. He still cared for her and loved her, why can't she see that? The kiss with Teddy, which he was really regretting, made him realize that no matter how much he liked Teddy, his heart was always with Amelia.
' Amelia.' he whispered as he cupped her face in his hands. ' Please tell me what is wrong.'
' You don't deserve this, Owen.' she said, shaking her head sadly.
' Deserve what?' Owen was getting more confused by the minute.
' Deserve a wife with a huge tumor growing in her brain.' Amelia blurted out, before releasing the breath she didn't know she had been holding.
At that moment, Owen's world shattered. He felt like a rug was behind pulled from under him.
'No, this can't be true.' he shook his head in disbelief. Maybe she was playing a cruel joke on him.
' Look.' she said in a shaky voice as she pointed towards the brain scans lined up on the viewer. 'Those scans are that huge tumor in the frontal lobe there?'
Owen stared for a long moment at the scans. He remembered Amelia showing him her patient's scans during their happier times, whenever he requested to follow up on the patients he referred to her from the ER. He would have been fascinated by a tumor of that size as well. But not when it was hers.
' I need to find someone to operate on me. The best neurosurgeon ever. Webber is helping me to find. It probably has been growing there for quite some time, judging from the size. Based on the regular borders, it seems to be benign so the prognosis isn't that bad, I hope. I have been doing some research regarding the best surgical approaches for this sort of tumor. I think cutting in straight from the frontal lobe is the best option' Amelia rambled, her voice quivering. ' It's going to be fine, the tumor can be removed, and éverything will be fine. But there might be complicatons- such as slurred speech, loss of sensory and motor function….'
' Amelia.' Owen whispered as he pulled her in for a tight hug, feeling his heart break for her, and feeling guilty for blaming her for all her actions. He knew that the frontal lobe was in charge of the control of behavior and execution of function. Her behaving weirdly and running away from him might have something to do with the tumor. How could he ever forgive himself now for kissing Teddy? Would Amelia ever forgive him?
Feeling the warmth of her husband's hug and the comfort of his heartbeat, Amelia finally broke down. She sobbed and sobbed, letting go of all her emotions she kept bottled up inside. She continued sobbing, letting out her fear that she might have complications from the surgery, leading to paralysis, loss of speech and possibly death. She sobbed for Owen, whom she loved with all her heart but was unable to express her feelings for, due to the tumor controlling her actions. Her heart broke for Owen, as she wondered how would he go on with life without her. She shuddered thinking about it. Having suffered through the pain of losing loved ones so many times in her life, she had learnt that it was not the deceased who suffer, but rather the loved ones they leave behind. She couldn't bear to do that to her husband.
Owen remained silent, embracing Amelia and rubbing soothing circles around her back, feeling her tears wetting his shirt.
His heart ached or her. He had seen how devastated she was by her father's and brother's death. And now this- when would she ever catch a break? Why did she have to go through so much crap in life? He didn't know. All he knew was that he couldn't bear to lose her, he didn't know what he would do without her.
Amelia looked up at him with watery eyes, feeling safe in his embrace.
'Owen, I'm scared. 'she admitted. 'I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you.'
'No….you're not going to leave me! You're going to fight this, alright? ' Owen said earnestly as he squeezed her tight.
'Alright. 'she replied in a muffled tone.
He released her from the hug and cupped her face in his hands as their eyes met. Hers were full of fear and anxiety. His were filled with guilt and devastation. He wiped away a stray tear from her cheek using his thumb.
'Listen, you are the strongest person I know, Amelia. I love you so much. You're going to survive and defeat this tumor like you defeat everything else in life. You're going to get through this, stronger than ever. WE are going to pull through this stronger than ever. I'll be by your side the whole time. 'Owen said, full of convinction.
Feeling comforted by Owen's words, Amelia wiped away her tears as she sniffled.
'Ok, I'll try to fight this for you. 'she promised. ' Because I love you too.'
As she saw a smile forming on Owen's face, she realized that it was the first time she had said it out loud.
She suddenly felt a new surge of energy and new found hope, knowing that she had Owen by her side.
'We need to find you the best neurosurgeon possible. ' Owen said, repeating Webber's words from earlier.
'Webber promised me he would.' Amelia said.
' I know, but I will search too. Maybe I can work together with him to find the best neurosurgeon in the world.' said Owen earnestly. 'I want the best for you, Amelia.'
Amelia nodded. 'I just wish that Derek is here.' she sighed. 'I know he can't operate on me because he is family, but at least he can pitch in the best possible approach.'
'I know. ' Owen said sympathetically as he pulled her in for another hug.
A comfortable silence ensued as they both stood still in the scan viewing room, both engrossed in their own thoughts.
'You need your LA friends by your side.' Owen suggested, breaking the silence. 'Do you want me to call them to come? You need their support too. I know how close they are to you and how much they mean to you.'
' I'll call them myself.' Amelia assured.
'Are you sure? 'Owen asked.
'Yes, I haven't talked to them in weeks. I miss them.' she admitted.' Look Owen, I'll be fine ok? 'she gave him a dimpled smile.
Owen's heart melted as he realized how much he missed her smile.
'I'm going to speak to Webber and we're going to make some calls to find you the best neurosurgeon in the world.' said Owen. 'I promise. '
'Thank you so much Owen. ' Amelia said earnestly, feeling so grateful for him. 'I'm going to tell Bailey and request the rest of the day off. I don't think I'm up to working today.'
Bailey had reacted with shock when Amelia first told her about her tumor. She recovered quickly though and switched to her chief mode almost immediately, making sure that Amelia had less patient load and on calls for the next couple of months. Normally, Amelia would have protested, but this was a welcome change for her. She needed some time for herself, to take care of herself and reevaluate her life. She needed to take care of herself for a change.
Half an hour later. Amelia was lying down on their bed at home, and staring at her phone. She house was quiet and empty, she had missed being in the house for the past few months.
She had not called Addison or Charlotte for the past few weeks, she had been too busy to catch up with them. She also never answered their calls, as she was always occupied with something else whenever they called. Lying alone on the bed, she realized how much she missed her LA friends. They were the ones who really cared for her and were always there to support her. They stood by her throughout her entire drug addiction crisis, and she was sure they would stand by her through this as well. If only they weren't so far away.
Owen was going to bring back some Chinese takeaway that night, after visiting Megan. She didn't know if he was going to tell his family or not about her current condition. Maybe if they found out, they would understand her and forgive her actions. At least that was what she hoped.
Taking a deep breath,she dialed Addison's number on FaceTime. Her heart was beating fast, she was nervous about this conversation. Usually, she looked forward to the FaceTime or phone conversations with her LA friends, but not today. She was dreading it, having to tell them bad news. But she really needed their support in times like these. A glance at the clock told her that it was 4:30 pm, which meant they were still at work. They were all probably gathered for a meeting in the kitchen, to discuss their cases for the day.
'Amelia! 'Addison answered with an excited voice after a couple of rings. 'Finally! You never answered my calls the past few weeks. Is everything ok over there?'
Before Amelia could answer, the rest of the LA gang were now gathered around Addison.
She could see Charlotte, Violet and Jake, all waving happily at her. Sam and Cooper probably had patients, she figured.
'I… 'Amelia face scrunched as she saw the concerned faces of her old friends. 'I…' a tear rolled down her cheeks as she struggled to find the right words to say to them.
'Has someone being treating you badly? Is it Hunt? Want me to kick his ass for you?' Charlotte offered in her Southern drawl.
Amelia giggled despite herself. She knew she could count on Charlotte to cheer her up.
'No…no….it's just…. 'she took a deep breath , wondering where to begin.
' Amelia, it's ok. Just relax and take deep breaths. Use your words.' Violet said in a calm voice.
'Ok. ' Amelia exhaled. 'Well- I just found out that I have a brain tumor.'
She could hear a spoon dropping on the floor as the entire kitchen fell silent.
She could see the looks of devastation on all their faces, especially Addison's.
' Oh Amelia.' Addison whispered at loss of words to say.
'It's a frontal lobe tumor, looks benign, a meningioma. But it's 10 cm in size, meaning it might have been there for a long time, probably since my days in LA.' Amelia rambled.
' Does Hunt know?' Jake asked, a downcast expression on his face.
' Yes, he does. He's being supportive. But he is busy with his family too, his sister Megan just returned back after being presumed dead for 10 years. ' Amelia answered. 'He and Webber are going to find the best neurosurgeon in the world for me.'
'They'd better. Listen, Amelia, you're going to kick this tumor in the ass alright?' Charlotte said with full of conviction.
'Gosh, I hope so, Charlotte.' Amelia whispered.
'I know so.' Charlotte insisted.
'Amelia- I'm going to book the first flight to Seattle tomorrow.' Addison said in a serious tone. 'You need someone other than Owen to be there to support you.'
'But…what about Henry?' Amelia asked, surprised.
'Jake can take care of him.' Addison suggested as Jake nodded in agreement.
'Cooper and I can't find a nanny for the triplets and Mason, but we send you all the love and good vibes.' said Charlotte. 'We'll FaceTime ok?'
' Same with me and Lucas. But you can call me anytime we need to talk, if you need counselling.' Violet offered.
'Thank you so much you guys. You are the best friends ever.' Amelia said, feeling so grateful for them.
As she hung up after chatting with them for another half an hour, she realized a couple of things:
First- she wasn't alone and she had many people rooting for her, second- she, Amelia Shepherd was a fighter and would fight this tumor to the very end and win the battle against it.
Alright guys- this is it, chapter 1 of my new fic.
I really hope you guys enjoy it! Comments, reviews, reblogs and messages are very much appreciated- do let me know what you think! I would love to hear from you all. 3