Title: In Repair
Author: spyglass (Grace/inelastic)
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I didn't start the fire, but I did light the matches.
Pairings: MS. Traces of others, but this fic is inherently MS in design.
Category: MS, Martin angst, Sam angst, Spade family drama, addiction storyline, cast interaction, casefile.
Spoilers: 5x19
Summary: What goes up must come down. Part II of Gravity.
xxx
too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right
oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
oh but if i take my heart's advice
i should assume it's still unsteady
i am in repair, i am in repair
-John Mayer, "In Repair"
xxx
Sam hesitated, peering inside the small office window before flicking her wrist to wrap softly on the door marked Lisa Harris, MD.
Lisa was leaning over as she sat at her desk, the receiver of her phone held to her ear as she engaged in conversation with whoever was on the other end of the line. Lisa looked up and smiled at her, waving her hand and motioning for Sam to come in and take a seat. As Sam sat back against the leather couch in Lisa's office, she glanced aimlessly around the room and tried to seem as inconspicuous as possible while she waited for Lisa to finish on the phone.
She folded her arms protectively across her chest, rubbing her hands against her elbows as goose bumps rose on her skin. She shivered and wished she had not left her sweater downstairs at her desk, instead left only in her sleeveless blouse. That was always her problem with the summer months, the disparity of temperatures between the overly air conditioned federal building and the hot, muggy climate outdoors.
With a few last words and a quick goodbye, Lisa hung up her office phone and folded her hands carefully on top of her desk as she said, "Samantha, it's so good to see you. How are you doing this week?"
"Fine," she nodded and her posture stiffened, still not entirely comfortable during her sessions no matter how many times she attended therapy with Dr. Harris. "Things have been good so far this week."
"That's good to hear." Lisa picked up a pen and made a few notes as they spoke, flipping several pages back in her planner and looking up to make eye contact. "It's been about three months since you came back to see me," she stated matter-of-factly.
Sam laughed quietly and dropped her hands to her lap. "You sound surprised."
Lisa paused for a beat and replied, "You could say that I am. Pleasantly surprised, that is."
"I guess that's a good thing." Sam shifted her weight and her posture slackened as she relaxed.
The Monday following the Saturday evening she spent spilling her heart to Emily, she had sought Lisa out almost on impulse and asked if she could start having regular counseling sessions. Lisa had readily agreed, and they had met once a week ever since, talking about everything from Joe Henry and her relationship with her mother to her pasts with Jack and Martin to her feelings on whatever case she happened to be working at the moment. Surprisingly, Sam found therapy far more effective this time around.
She kept this to herself though, her suspicions high that Lisa would tell her that it was because this time she chose to seek help. It was enough to hear the words in her head; she did not need Lisa to tell her this out loud.
"So, Samantha," Lisa began, leading with her eyes as well as her voice. "Is there anything particular you would like to talk about this week?"
Sam shifted to lean forward, her elbows resting on her thighs to support her upper body. She remained silent for a moment as she wondered how best to introduce the topic weighting most heavily on her mind. Finally deciding to just forge ahead, she blinked and inhaled deeply and said, "I finally had the conversation I've needed to have with Jack since the day we got back from Kenosha when Emily was missing."
Lisa immediately stopped scribbling on the notepad and set her pen down on her desk, looking up with expectant but encouraging eyes. Swallowing, Sam closed her eyes and willed her emotions to remain in check.
xxx
Sam stretched her arms out in front of her body before taking the next page of her book between her fingertips and flipping it over. She yawned and adjusted the throw pillows behind her as she leaned back against the arm of the sofa and continued to read.
She was just starting to get comfortable when she heard her buzzer ring. Sighing as she rose from her reclined position, she padded along her carpeted floor in bare feet before peering through the peephole at her unexpected visitor.
"Jack?" She questioned almost accusingly, before realizing how harsh her greeting must have come across. "Sorry," she half-apologized. "Come on in."
Jack quickly stepped inside and shut the door behind himself, looming awkwardly just inside the doorframe. "Hey, Sam," he said finally. "I'm sorry to just drop in like this."
"It's, uh, it's fine," she stuttered in reply, taken aback by his sudden arrival. Finding her voice again, she walked back over to the sofa and said, "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," he replied, absent-mindedly looking around. "Yeah, I'm fine. I was just on my way to La Guardia to pick up the girls for the weekend when I got a message from Maria saying that their flight was fogged in and won't be able to get another flight until tomorrow night, so we're going to have to reschedule."
"I'm sorry." She bit her bottom lip pensively, still feeling tense and uncertain.
"Yeah, me too." He shrugged. "I figured since I was out anyway, I would stop by and see how you were doing."
"I'm fine," Sam gave him a tight nod. "Just enjoying a Friday night inside reading."
Jack was still standing awkwardly at the edge of the room, so she motioned for him to come sit down. As he sat, she moved to the opposite end of the sofa and returned her book to its resting place on the end table. "I've been worried about you, Samantha," he said softly, adjusting his position so that he moved a little bit closer to her. "It's been awhile since we got back from your sister's case, and you haven't really talked about it since then."
Sam crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes, no longer willing to hide her bitterness. "I thought that was your plan, Jack. That we not talk about it anymore."
"Samantha," he said warningly, and she glared in response. "That's not what I wanted."
Sam sighed and scoffed in exasperation. She had not been purposely avoiding Jack since OPR had cleared her, but at the same time, she had not wanted to seek him out either. Initially she had been too furious with him at his flippant disregard for her feelings, and after some time had passed, she had been furious at herself for the constant hold she had allowed him to put on her life. "Maybe it's not about what you wanted at all, Jack."
Jack's mouth fell open at a slight angle, giving the appearance that he almost did not believe what he had just heard. He stared at her for a beat. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"You tell me, Jack." She was being short with him and she knew it, but she was running out of patience and rightfully felt as though she did not owe him an explanation.
Jack squeezed his eyes shut tightly and reached out to hold softly onto her wrist, but she shied away from his touch. "Is this about you telling Martin?"
Narrowing her eyes and briefly wondering how he could have known, she rose from the sofa and stood in front of him, her hands on her hips. "This," she gestured between them "has nothing to do with Martin, and everything to do with us." She released a small, pulsed breath and tried to collect her thoughts. Uncertain of what had ultimately propelled Jack to visit her that evening, she knew she had to bring this to a halt before anything further happened. "It was my decision to make, Jack." She closed her eyes and held her hand up, signaling for him not to interrupt. "Regardless of your opinions on my choices in the personal arena, it was my decision to make." She repeated herself for emphasis, annunciating more clearly as she gained confidence.
Jack had the decency to look ashamed. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," she replied, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Sorry doesn't change it."
"Still -" Jack sat up and straightened his posture. "Even after everything that's happened between us, I couldn't stand the thought of you not being there every day."
Sam smiled weakly and shrugged her shoulders. "There's a reason that the Bureau is so against relationships between junior agents and their superiors." Her hand wiped at a phantom crease in the leg of her jeans, and she continued, "We never had a clean break, and we've both let that cloud our judgment. It needs to stop."
Jack gazed up at her, sorrow evident in his eyes as he tugged at his shirt collar. "What if I'm not ready for it to stop?"
"Well, then I'm very sorry," she said resolutely. "Because I am."
xxx
Sam fell silent as she finished relaying her story, folding her hands anxiously in her lap as she waited for Lisa's response. Both women remained silent for several minutes, and Sam wondered if maybe Lisa was waiting for her to add something else.
"Samantha?" Lisa urged, finally. Sam tilted her head to the side to indicate her attention. "How are you feeling about all of this?"
"I feel really good, actually." She gave a small smile and chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. "I feel surprisingly..." her voice trailed off and she paused, searching for the right word "... liberated. I didn't expect to feel this way."
"How did you expect to feel?" Lisa smiled, her tone motherly and encouraging.
"I don't know," Sam breathed, wiping her hands along the seams of her pant legs. "I guess a part of me expected to feel sad about it; I mean, things are really over between us."
"It's normal to experience some degree of regret when you end a long term relationship." Lisa leaned forward against her desk, speaking slowly and with a psychiatrist's calculated accuracy but still managing to maintain her friendly approach.
"If I have any regrets," Sam replied with a small nod, "it's that I didn't do this years ago."
"You had to wait until you were ready," Lisa soothed gently. "This is a big step for you."
"I guess so."
"It is." Lisa nodded and gestured broadly with one hand. "You have come a long way in the past three months. I know some weeks it has been more difficult than others, but you have stuck with it and I think you are really making progress. You seem a lot happier than you were when you first came to me, kicking and screaming, a few years ago."
Sam smiled and laughed softly. "That's because I am."
xxx