We're alone again tonight. I wonder if he's even realized, the way his eyes have been glued to the computer monitor for the last three hours. A mission report he told me, one of the few times I'd been able to get his attention. He had plenty of time to write up the report for our last duty, and I've never known him to take this long even if he had kept it for the last minute. Perhaps a lie? I wouldn't doubt it, the way he's been avoiding me lately.
Avoiding me since that night.
How long ago had it been now? A few days, a few weeks, perhaps months? I lost track trying to count. Maybe he can throw it to the back of his mind and pretend it never happened, then avoid me to make sure it never happens again. Maybe he didn't want it to happen in the first place. Or, he could of simply forgotten and gone back to treating me the same way he always did.
I can't forget it.
How could I ever? The feel of his flesh against my own, the way he moaned my name again and again as we gave each other pleasure that I'm certain neither of us has known before and probably never will again. I have tried to block it from my memory, the heat that had been in usually so-cold cobalt eyes as he'd gazed into my own.
Most importantly, how I fell asleep in his arms. Secure for the first time; my hair safely held in his hands as he clung to me just as I was clinging to him.
I almost cried that night. The feeling of belonging, of needing and being needed, of something so pure I'm certain I'll never feel it again with anyone else.
How can he type and not look at me? How can he sit there only a yard away, and not remember?
I close my eyes, cursing the sting that comes to them. I refuse to cry over it. After all, if anything else, it was a great one-night stand. My first and, judging by how I haven't been able to be remotely interested in anyone else since, my last. I should probably be happy that it happened at all. After all, from what I've heard, not many people experience mind-blowing sex in their whole lifetime, muchless the first time.
Why won't he turn around? The others are gone, will be gone for at least three days, on their own mission. Couldn't he at least acknowledge my presence?
I can't help but feel pathetic, and yell at myself for it. Still, it doesn't change the fact that
I'm lusting over the one person in my life who I really care about. I have acquaintances,
friends, even people I would die for. However, none of them make my knees weak when
they look at me. None of them can say my name just right, caress my side with just
enough pressure, or make my mind spin with just one kiss.
In each other's arms, I was the center of his world. As he has been the center of mine since
the day we first met. I couldn't help but be interested. He was like noone I had ever seen
before, so cold and collected, yet with emotions below the surface just waiting to lash out.
Violently and, that one time, so passionately. Making my breath catch and my body hum
and my very world to rock on its axis.
"Heero?" I call out, making sure none of my turmoil is audible. "Are you almost done? I'm bored. We should go play some basketball or something."
Surprisingly, Heero pauses before standing. The printer clicks on, catching my attention.
Heero would never print out a mission report. Way too dangerous, seeing as how high the
chances of it being seen could be.
He turns partially to me. "I'm going out for a while," he states.
Then he leaves, and I can only watch him go. I've got no excuse to go with. Disappointed that yet another day will go by where I am denied him, I get up and move toward the computer. Even through the pain I'm feeling, my curiosity is too much to be denied.
I pick up the paper, and suddenly my hands start to tremble as I read it. Afraid I'll drop it,
I hold it more securely, my eyes roaming over the lines again and again.
It's probably too much for me to say it I don't want to disappoint you I don't know if I can be what you need
I feel the same
Briefly, I recall whispering my feelings into his ear when I thought he'd fallen asleep.
It had never occurred to me that he could be afraid. Still, it makes sense. He can face death
without batting an eyelash. However, I made him face something even more frightening.
For a soldier in war, anyway.
Love.
He loves me.
Smiling, I fold the paper and put it in my pocket. Then I get to work. When Heero gets back, he's going to be in for a big surprise!