Title: 2013
Author: OCDegrassi (Holly)
Pairings: None
Rating: T
Warnings: Miscarriage, Angst
Note: This is just a short little drabble from Maxie's POV. It was in my mind, and it wouldn't leave until I got it out of my system. The rating may be a little high, but since this is such a sensitive topic, I thought it was better to be safe.
XXX
This is it. It's over. There's no more baby. Lulu and Dante trusted me with their child and I let them down. I let this baby down. It was depending on me to take care of it, and I couldn't even do that. Lulu and Dante are going to be crushed. I wasn't even carrying this baby for a month, but I already feel so empty without it inside me.
But a part of me, deep down, is relieved, and that makes me feel overwhelmingly guilty. I was scared to be pregnant and have a baby, but after I offered, I couldn't bear to let Lulu and Dante down. They were so excited and they deserve to be parents. They would be such amazing parents, and I could have given that to them. There's no way I could have walked away from that. How selfish would that have been?
But I guess a part of me was never really ready to do this. Did I want to carry a child for 9 months? To force myself to be ridiculously healthy and give birth to a baby? The thought of it scared the crap out of me. What if something went wrong? What if I couldn't handle delivery because it was too painful? Not to mention the seemingly trivial questions like would I ever get my body back?
It seems stupid, but I couldn't help but think it. I was still single, so what if nobody ever wanted to be with me again because my body was covered in these ugly stretch marks and I never did lose my love-handles? Oh god, I am a terrible person. What if this is my fault? What if the baby somehow knew that I didn't want to carry it, and that's why I had a miscarriage? Did I do this with my negative thinking?
Dante and Lulu are going to hate me. I don't really care about Dante, but Lulu is my best friend. We started off pretty rocky, but we are in a good place now -at least, we were. How could she ever forgive me for this? She was right all along. I wasn't responsible enough to carry her child. I am failure. I lost Spinelli, and now I've lost this baby, and my best friend along with it.
But here I am, feeling sorry for myself when Lulu and Dante lost so much more. They lost a baby that they have been dreaming about and hoping and praying for. They can try again with another surrogate, but that doesn't change the heartache they are going to feel.
This isn't fair. This was supposed to be their year. They were going to become parents and be one big, happy family. This isn't how 2013 is supposed to be.
XXX
A/N: So what did you think? I tried to write it as in-character for Maxie as I could, but I'm not sure how well I succeeded. Please Review!