The sinking feeling in my chest is something that I can't ignore; I have never felt anything like this before. My hands are all shaky and I feel sick to my stomach. My heart is beating so fast it feels like it could jump right out of my chest. I knew this day would come but I didn't expect it to be here so soon. It caught me off guard. The worst part is that I don't even have a right to feel this way. I was the one that started dating again first, I was the one that told her she'd find someone one day, and I was the one that let her go, pushed her away even.
I guess I really didn't let her go after all. I really thought I did, I even thought I was over her. I mean, of course I knew I stilled loved her, I will always love her but I didn't think I was still in love with her. I can't be, I fell for Sam. I really fell for him. You can't be in love with two people at the same time. You can't possibly fit that much love in your heart at once, it'd get to full and could like blow up or something, right?
Why didn't she tell me? I'm supposed to be her best friend or did she replace me there too? Also how the heck did Tina even know about this? I bet she like implanted some weird Asian microchip in Santana's head or something, unless Tina is actually Santana's new best friend. I never trusted that girl.
I have so many questions running through my head right now, they're making me dizzy. Is she prettier than me? Is she smarter than I am? Can she sing better? Can she dance better? Does Santana love her? Does Santana not love me anymore? If she did still love me wouldn't she had called me to tell me something as big as this?
I know this all sounds kind of crazy but I can't help it. My emotions are controlling me right now. Santana said she'd never give up on me, I heard it loud and clear. I didn't realize how much I held onto that until now. It comforted me without me being aware. I know I also sound selfish but the fact that I still had San's heart made me feel good and safe like a nice big and warm blanket on a dark cold night.
I should have known I wasn't really over her just by that alone. Being Sam blinded me from what was right in front of my face. For a genius I can be really stupid sometimes. It was all so easy with him though. He was there, cute enough, and he got me while everyone else just pretended to. He was all I had to keep me sane after I completely lost it. He was my safety net.
When Santana came back and tried to take me away from him, I couldn't let her. She really hurt me by breaking up with me in the first place and plus I couldn't hurt Sam like that, it wouldn't have been right or fair to him at all. Also I wasn't about to let her stay in Lima and become another Lima loser, she's too good for that. She's going to be a star one day.
I saw her commercial on TV the other day. I was so proud of her that I went straight to the store and bought every Yeast-A-Strat they had. The cashier gave me the strangest look but I didn't care I just kept smiling cause my girl did it, she made it to my tv screen and nothing could take my smile away.
My girl? She's not mine anymore and hasn't been for some time now. Now she's out there with some New York girl that probably has blue hair and tattoos. I don't even want to think about it but I can't stop. Who does this girl think she is sweeping in and stealing San away from me? I'm not thinking straight right now, San wasn't mine to begin with to be stolen.
That's it, I can't take this anymore. I have to get to the bottom of this and find out whats really going on. Before I can even give it a second thought i have my phone up to my ear waiting for an answer.
"Hel.."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I cut off.
"What? Who told you?" The voice asks. That's definitely not Santana. I look down at my screen, yep not Santana. Damn it!
"Oh, hi there Sam. How are you?" Well this is going to be awkward.
"I'm okay Britt, but how are you though? I'm really sorry I didn't call you to tell you myself. It all happened so fast and I don't even know if it's going to turn into something or not. I swear I was going to tell you though." Sam says panicky.
"Um, okay. What are you talking about? Tell me about what?" Apparently he's been hiding something from me too. What it there like something in the water that makes everything keep secrets from Brittany?
"Well, when I picked up you asked me why didn't I tell you so I thought you were talking about Penny, where you not talking about Penny?" He asks and I know he's almost as confused as I am right now.
"Who the heck is Penny, Sam?" What have I got myself into here? I should really pay more attention when I go through my contacts. One time I called Rachel and tried to order a pizza. She wasn't very happy about that.
"She's the new school nurse that I'm actually kinda seeing now. I don't get it, if you didn't call about that than why did you call?" He asks. He's dating the nurse? It hasn't even been a month since I left. Move on fast enough? The school nurse too, it that even legal?
"listen. I'm sorry Sam. I didn't mean to call you. I was really trying to get in touch with Santana and accidently hit your name instead." I sigh.
"Oh okay, it's cool. Why were you asking her...whoa! Wait, is this about Dani?" He sounds surprised. How does he know about Santana's new co-worker?
"Yeah, she told me all about him. He plays guitar and sings or whatever. How do you know about him?" This has Tina written all over it.
"Britt...Dani's not a dude. That'd short for Danielle. Dani is Santana's new girlfriend." He explained.
I was not expecting that at all. I was sure that Dani is a man's name. God, I'm so stupid. Santana did tell me about her, I just thought she was excited to make a new friend. I should have known, Santana hates new people. She told me everything but that Dani is actually a female and her girlfriend at that. This sucks. The signs were all there but the fact that I didn't know he is really a she might have throw me off a bit.
"How do you even know this? You and San don't even talk. She like hates you. Last time i spoke to her she was working on new names to call you."
"Tina..." He started before I cut him off again.
"How does she get this information? Seriously, I think she may in the Asian CIA or something. She can't be trusted I'm telling you!" I start to ramble.
"Yeah, you know now that you mention it...anyway as I was saying. Blaine also filled me in on what's going on out there. Kurt sent him a picture and he showed me. She's really hot, Santana got herself something there. They're also like perfect for each other from what I'm told. I even hear that Kurt and Rachel haven't been getting much sleep these days cause all the noise..."
"Okay! I get it. Please stop talking like twenty seconds ago." Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick.
"Sam, I have to go, good luck with Nickel." I continue.
"Penny, her name is Penny." He corrects. I knew her name.
"Same thing, bye Sammy." I hang up before he can say anything else.
I really don't want to hear how perfect Santana and Dani are together. How could anyone even think that yet, they must have just started dating cause San told me about her only a couple of weeks ago. I also really don't want to hear about all the noise they make. Oh god, they're already having sex? I didn't eve go that far with Sam. We got close to it but I just couldn't. I always stopped when things got to heated because it felt wrong.
I really don't feel well now. My heart hurts. Is this what a broken heart really feels like? It can't be, I'd know. I mean Artie really hurt me and made me cry. I thought he broke my heart cause I couldn't stop my tears. I don't feel like crying now. I'm angry. I feel like hitting someone, someone named Dani. I feel like screaming, screaming at someone named Dani. I feel like throwing up, maybe even throwing up on someone named I don't know something like Dani! Okay, maybe not throw up on her, that's a little too much besides that'd totally mine and Rachel's thing. I can't take that away from her.
Oh! Rachel, she'll help me here. She has to, she helps everyone, it's like a Jewish thing or something. Now where did I put my phone? It's not on the table or on the couch, not under my pillows or on my bed. Where in the heck did I put it? It really would be easier to check under things if I didn't have my phone in my hand...damn it!
"Well hello there Brittany. To what do i owe this honor? Where you trying to order pizza again?"
"That was one time and I called you right back after to catch up!" I defend myself.
"Looking for Quinn then?" She replies. Okay, I can't even defend myself against that one. All their contacts are right near each other, these things happen, okay?
One time I even called Mr. Schu while trying to get in touch with my mom. I asked him to pick me up tampons while he was still out. He thought I was drunk and kept asking me where I was. That really was not one of my finest moments.
"Yeah, um, sorry about that Rach. I was actually calling to talk to you and ask you for your help with something." I explained.
"Me? Really? I'm happy that you deemed me worthy to ask for my help. Now Brittany what is it that you need, name anything and I will do my very best to be of the up most assistance to you." Rachel says to me and if you ask me she sounds a little too happy.
"Great! Okay, now I need you to tell me how to break that home-wrecker and Santana up."
"Home wrecker? Whom of which are you referring to? Brittany please tell me you don't mea Dani." She sighs into the phone suddenly sounding less than happy.
"Yeah Dani, that's what I said didn't I?" I could have sworn I said her name.
"No, that's not what you said. I'm sorry Brittany but I don't think I can be of much assistance here after all."
"What? Why not? I thought we were friends and aren't friend supposed to help one another?" I pout even though I know she can't see me. I can't help it, I'm sad.
"I am very much your friend but I am also Santana's and I've grown to really like Dani. That is why I gave them a little push in the right direction. It's because I care about their happiness." She expresses.
Why would she push them? You can't just go around pushing people, that's just plain rude. This isn't the same Rachel I went to school with. She's crossed over to the dark side.
"New York has really changed you." I don't mean in a good way either.
"It really has in the best of ways. I have learned so much n such a short time here. This place opened my eyes to what's important and made me a better person, a better friend as well. That's the reason I helped San out in the first place. I was so tired of watching my best friend so sad and lonely. So I did what I had to too open her eyes and show her she doesn't have to be alone anymore. Moving on is okay." She gently says and it makes me feel guilty.
I don't want San to be lonely but I don't want her to be with someone else either. I don't want her to fall in love and forget me.
"But, I still love her Rachel." Now I feel like crying.
"Excuse me, I mean no offence by this but if you loved her then why didn't you choose her? Why did you stay with Sam? Brittany, you are truly a good friend to me but I couldn't take seeing Santana so down on life anymore. She deserves to be happy with Dani, just like you deserved to be happy with Sam." She ties to get through to me and I know she's right but my heart doesn't want to admit it.
"I let her go because she needed to get out of Lima, she's better then that place. Yes, I choose to stay with Sam and yes, I thought I love him. There's one thing though, he's not her, he will never be her. She's my soul-mate." I'm full on crying now.
"I never saw it that way but I still can't help you. You have to let this one go. Let Santana be happy which she finally is thanks to me...I, I mean thanks to Dani." She stuttered.
"I'll never let her go. I thought I could but I can't. I'm going to get her back with or without your help." I say angrily.
"Well in that case I wish you the best of luck. Have a good one Brittany. I think our conversation ends here. Goodbye for now." With that she hangs up leaving me with nothing but silence.
I refuse to give up. I walk over to my nightstand and pick up a framed photo of me and San from last year. We look so happy. She looks so happy. I trace over her face with my index finger lingering on her smile. The way she's looking at me instead of karma makes my heart ache in a good way. She really loved me, you can see it clean as day and love like that doesn't just go away. I take the picture out of the frame and flip it over to read the message she left me all the months ago.
'Forever and Always my heart will be yours, love always your songbird.'
"I really hope you meant that San cause I plan on testing that out really soon." I say out loud while putting our picture where it belongs once more.
I sign onto my laptop and go straight to Google. I find what I'm looking for easily. Look's like this is going to be even sooner then I thought. I click confirm and there's no turning back now. I better start packing because my bus leaves tomorrow morning bright and early. New York here I come.