Note: How is it that there's no horror fics about Merry and Pippin? That's just not right! Anyway, I don't own anyone (except my little Merry and Pippin action figures!). On with the show, folks!

Dark Secrets of the Shire

"Merry, look at this!"

Pippin had been going through old newspapers stashed away at the Great Smials, when an interesting headline caught his eye. Merry stopped smoking his pipe and took a look at the article Pippin was going on about. "Jack the Ripper- Pip, move your thumb." Pippin moved his thumb to reveal the words "Proves that An Old Dog Can Learn A New Trick". Merry resumed smoking, all the while looking smug.

"All right, so the article is about a dog! But surely something criminal has happened in the Shire!" Pippin exclaimed. He then continued to flip through the pages searching for an article to prove to his cousin that the Shire wasn't truly a peaceful place and had some deep dark secret.

Merry arched his eyebrows. "Honestly, Pippin, I can't understand your recent fascination with all this "dark secret of the Shire" nonsense! You know perfectly well that there aren't any bogies or monsters here!"

"Well, once you put it that way!" Pippin continued looking through the dusty newspaper. "But isn't there a small possibility that SOMETHING has happened that we don't know about?"

Merry put down his pipe and proceeded to help himself to Pippin's sandwich. "Well, obviously! I mean, Frodo does things all the time that we don't know about!"

Not looking up from the newspaper, Pippin reached for his sandwich, only to feel an empty plate. He didn't realize the sandwich was in Merry's clutches. "I didn't mean something like that!" Pippin looked up at Merry and lowered his voice. "I meant something paranormal…"

Merry gulped down the rest of Pippin's sandwich and grinned. "Well, I have an ingrown toenail, if you'd like to see! I'd say that's paranormal!"

Pippin rolled his eyes, grinning as well, and then went back to his newspaper. Merry shook his head and then decided to join Pippin. He took a newspaper and started looking through it. Then suddenly he let out a gasp. "Well, would you look at that!"

Pippin rushed over to Merry and looked at the page he was on. "What is it? What did you find?" Merry shook his head in amazement and said "Imagine that! A crossword puzzle!" Pippin's jaw dropped. "That's it? A crossword puzzle?" Merry grinned at Pippin. "Well, what did you think it was? An article about some axe-murderer? Really, Pippin!" Merry got up and started rummaging through drawers.

Pippin looked at the newspaper that Merry had been looking at. He found an article cramped in the corner of the page, tiny in comparison to the crossword puzzle. "Oi, Merry, come look at this. This article says that a farmer found two of his goats lying dead with all their blood sucked clean! Merry?" He turned around to look at Merry. "Merry, what are you doing?"

"I'm looking for a pen! What does it look like?" said Merry as he continued to throw things out of the drawers in his search for a pen. He stopped searching to look at the mess he had made. Just then, he noticed that there was a pen lying on the table amid all the newspapers. He walked over to the table grinning and picked up the pen. "Now, Pip, why didn't you tell me that there was a pen on the table? Making me go through all that trouble- honestly! Sometimes, I just don't know you anymore!"

Pippin folded his arms and smirked at Merry. "You're just changing the subject so you don't have to clean up the mess you've made!" Merry looked at Pippin in feigned shock. "Why, Pippin! What a horrible accusation you've made! I would never change the subject as to get out of trouble! So… what did you say before about a farmer sucking his goats' blood?"

"You're changing the subject again!" Pippin shouted with exasperation. "And I didn't say the farmer sucked his goats' blood! I said the farmer found two of his goats lying dead with all their blood sucked clean!"

Merry rubbed his chin thoughtfully and said, "Yes, isn't that strange. BUT I am sure there is a logical answer explaining it!" He looked at the grandfather clock and sighed. "And now I am going to be late!"

"Late for what?" Pippin asked, his eyes gleaming with interest. "Well, if you want to know, I was supposed to see Fatty Bolger today at 6:30 but now I surely will not make it to his house in time!" Pippin grinned at Merry. "This is strange… you've never worried about being late in meeting friends, before…" Merry started to put on his jacket. "Well, that is because I've never actually BEEN late in meeting friends!"

Pippin rolled his eyes at Merry, saying, "Oh, don't be silly, Merry! You have most certainly been late in meeting friends before! But that isn't the point!" Merry arched his eyebrows. "It isn't? Then what is this point you are oh-so-struggling to make?" "I'm not struggling; I'm thinking of my sentence structure! The point, my dear cousin, is that you're only going to see Fatty so that you can see his sister!" And with saying that, Pippin sat down on the couch looking quite smug.

Merry turned towards the door, smiling. "I don't know what you're talking about! Fredegar is a good friend of mine and I do not visit him just so I can be with his sister, who, I may say, is maturing into a lovely young lady!" Pippin stood up, grinning broadly. "I KNEW IT! YOU FANCY FATTY'S SISTER!" A hint of red started to appear on Merry's face. "Oh, I do wish you went back to your bogies and monsters instead of prying into my love-life, Pippin!"

Just then, the grandfather clock sounded that it was six o'clock. "Well, would you look at that! I had better leave before I am any more late!" said Merry as he opened the door and proceeded to exit. Pippin went to the door his grin retracting. "Well, be careful, Merry. You don't know what could be out there." Merry rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Yes, yes! I know! Blood-sucking monstrosities! Don't worry, Pip. I'll be fine. Good bye!" And with that Merry walked off into the darkness.

Pippin closed the door and sat back at the table. "Now where is my sandwich?"