Let's Talk About Adult Relations

by Hoedogg

Ruthie decides to film a movie sequel starring various family members and their significant others.

A/N:  This is my entry for the second round of the TWoP Summer 2003 Lyric Wheel Challenge.  It takes place near the end of Season 7, at some point shortly before the cliffhangers are introduced.  The story was inspired by a song sent to me by Henrietta, as well as the Season 3 episode "Let's Talk About Sex".  Song lyrics are posted after the conclusion of the story.  Thanks to Cypher for handling beta duties.

TITLE: " Let's Talk About Adult Relations"
AUTHOR: Hoedogg
RATING: PG-13 for some sexual content.
DISTRIBUTION: Just ff.net for now.
SUMMARY: Ruthie decides to make a movie sequel with Peter's help.
WARNING: Contains spoilers through S7.
DISCLAIMER: "7th Heaven" and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Brenda Hampton, Aaron Spelling, the WB, and maybe some other people too, I don't know.  I also do not own the song lyrics which were used in this story.

***

Peter Petrowski clutched his stomach and rolled back and forth on the Camdens' living room couch, unable to control the laughing fit that had overtaken him.  Between giggles, he managed to blurt, "Oh my God!  That is the funniest thing ever!"

His girlfriend, twelve-year-old Ruthie Camden, pulled the videotape she had just shown him out of the VCR.  "I know.  But it gets better."

"No, please, stop!" he cried, gasping for breath.  "I can't take any more."

Ruthie paused to let Peter calm down a bit before continuing:  "After Matt finished editing that tape, he showed it to his entire class at high school.  Lucy and Mary didn't hear the end of it for the rest of the school year," she informed him with impish glee.

However, rather than amusement, empathetic disbelief covered Peter's face.  "No way!  I can't believe he would do that to his own sisters, with all that embarrassing sex stuff they talked about on there.  That's, like, pure evil!"

Ruthie considered his statement for a moment.  "Maybe evil is too strong a word.  After all, I'm pretty sure Matt meant well.  But I can definitely see what you mean.  If I hadn't already learned to watch my back at all times in this house, his showing that video to his classmates certainly would have taught me."

Peter nodded in agreement as he leaned back into the couch.  Taking a deep breath, he tried to blink away the tears of laughter and let the rosy color drain from his face.  After his eyes were dry and his cheeks had cooled, he took a moment to focus on his girlfriend.  She had such beautiful, shiny hair, eyes, and lips that he felt compelled to compliment her.  "Wow, Ruthie, that tape was hilarious.  I'm so glad you showed it to me, sweetie.  You rock."

She smiled but failed to respond.

After a moment of mutual, awkward, silent staring, he turned away and fidgeted, mumbling, "So…what do you want to do now?"

Ruthie grinned mischievously.  Visions of filming a sequel to Matt's video, with an even greater humiliation factor for its subjects, had been dancing around her head for years.  Now that she had a boyfriend-slash-cameraman whom she could manipulate into doing her evil bidding, the timing seemed perfect.  "I've got an idea.  Come with me."

He looked at her suspiciously as she grabbed his hand and led him toward the stairs.  "Where are you taking me?"

"To my room."

"Oh."  Peter's pubescent mind raced with the possibilities.  "Cool."

***

"What's that for?" Peter asked as Ruthie pulled a metallic-looking device from one of her desk drawers.

"Duh, it's a camera, silly!" Ruthie teased him.  "Actually, it's a webcam my parents bought me.  It has enough memory to record a few minutes of footage.  I've been using it to film rock videos starring moi to e-mail to my peeps, who are mostly United States troops protecting our freedom all over the world."

"Oh, way cool!  Gimme."

"No way, you'll break it," she teased as she jerked the camera away from his grasp.

"Nuh-uh, I won't," Peter pouted.  "Come on, Ruthie.  Just let me look at it."

Ruthie gingerly handed the camera to him.  "Fine.  But be careful."

"I will, I will.  What's this button do?"

"That's the zoom.  It makes your lens go in and out."

Peter chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"You said 'in and out'."

Ruthie put her hands on her hips.  "Could you be any more juvenile?"

"Sorry, honey.  I'll be good.  What does this button do?"

"That's the 'Record' button.  But you have to take the lens cap off and open the viewfinder before it will start recording."

"Oh, bitchin'!" Peter exclaimed as an image appeared after Ruthie opened the viewfinder and removed the lens cap.

"Well, that's pretty much all you need to know to work it.  So, you be the cameraman, and I'll be the director."

Peter looked at her quizzically.  "Huh?  What are you talking about?"

"We're going to film a movie."

"Oh, cool.  What kind of movie?"

"A sequel."

"Sequel to what?"

Ruthie grinned slyly.  "To Matt's video."

***

NEW SCENE:  Simon Camden's bedroom.

CAST:  Simon Camden, Cecilia.

And…ACTION!

*

The camera spied sixteen-year-old Simon Camden sitting on the bed, intensely staring at his girlfriend seated beside him.  Hesitantly, he began to speak:

"Look, Cecilia, there's something I need to tell you.  It's something I've been meaning to say for a long time, it's just…I haven't been able to come up with the right words.  It's like, when I sit down and think about how I actually want to tell you, it always sounds so stupid in my head.  So I'm just going to blurt it out, okay?  Here goes."

After a long silence, Cecilia wobbled her head and asked, "Here goes what?"

Simon's breathing began to come in short, sharp bursts.  "Um, I'm sorry.  The words were on the tip of my tongue, I swear."

"What words?  Simon, what are you trying to tell me?"

After another long stretch of silence, Simon closed his eyes and sighed deeply.  "This isn't working.  I thought I could just blurt it out, but I guess I can't.  So…um, let me think for a minute."  The light popped on in Simon's head, and he opened his eyes and exclaimed, "I've got it!  Okay, do you remember my friend Morris?"

Cecilia whipped her head around a bit in a frantic effort to recall.  "Was he that blond football player kid who took you to that wild party last year?"

Simon nodded.  "Right.  Well, he and I were…um, how should I put this?  We were really close friends."

"Oh, that's sweet.  Do you still keep in touch?"

"Um, actually no.  He met some other guy at college and…but that's not the point, Cecilia.  What I'm trying to tell you is that you and I are really close friends too, but not like Morris and I were."

Cecilia smiled.  "Of course not, silly.  How could you be friends with him the way you are with me?"

Simon hesitated for a bit.  "Right, but I don't think you're quite getting my meaning.  How can I explain this in a way that you'll understand?  Let me think.  Morris told me how to protect my image before I left…what did he call it?  Oh, I remember now:  a beard!  That was it."  Simon steeled his face, clutched Cecilia's shoulders, and looked deep into her eyes.  "Cecilia, I know this is going to sound harsh, but you're nothing more than my beard."

Cecilia gasped.  "Simon, what exactly are you saying?  Are you just going out with me to cover up the fact that you can't grow facial hair?"

Simon groaned.  "Hello, can you not see these rocking sideburns?"  Smoldering embarrassment and frustration at the complete lack of conversational progress turned his smooth cheeks pink.  His hands trembled in irritation as he tried to calm himself down.  With a deep breath, he continued as coolly as possible, "But I digress.  Look, Cecilia, that's not the kind of beard I'm talking about."

"Well, now you have completely lost me.  Simon, will you please just say exactly whatever it is that you're trying to say?"

"What I'm trying to say is…" Simon took yet another deep look into Cecilia's wide, gleaming, vacant eyes and finally realized once and for all that, no matter how hard he tried, he could never tell her the truth – at least, not to her face.  So he altered the game plan.  "What I'm trying to say is, I love you, Cecilia."

She bobbled her head again.  "I know that.  You've told me like a million times already.  Why was that so hard?"

Simon looked at her with false sincerity and placed his hand on hers for extra emphasis.  He swallowed hard and spat out the lie, "This time it's different, because I know for a fact that I really mean it."

Cecilia clutched her heart and tilted her gaze.  "Aww.  That is so sweet!"

Simon said nothing as his clueless girlfriend embraced him.  His eyes gradually lit upon the camera lens, which registered every ounce of pain and self-loathing they contained.

*

CUT!

***

NEW SCENE:  Eric and Annie Camden's bedroom.

CAST:  Eric Camden, Annie Camden.

And…ACTION!

*

The camera spied fifty-something full-time mother Annie Camden sitting on the bed, wringing her hands.

Her husband, Eric, casually lay next to her with his hands folded behind his head.  "Annie, what are you so worried about?  It's not that big a deal for people our age."

Annie turned to him, wearing a disbelieving expression.  "Excuse me?  I don't turn you on anymore, and you're telling me that's not a big deal?"

Eric sat up sharply.  "I never said you didn't turn me on anymore!"

"You said you hadn't been aroused in weeks, and I don't see anyone else trying to jump in this bed with you!"

"Honey, you can't blame yourself for that.  It's probably just a side effect from my heart medication, or perhaps from the fact that I'm getting older."

"Oh, that's hogwash, Eric.  I'm getting older too but that doesn't mean I've lost my feelings for you.  I'm not saying I want to have a nooner every day like we did up until Lucy was born, but it would be nice to at least do something every once in a while!"

"But Annie, you're comparing apples to oranges.  My body has been through two more heart surgeries than yours.  It's bound to behave differently.  Not to mention the fact that women's sex drives work on a different age trajectory than men's.  Your drive is probably just stronger than mine these days.  That's all."

She put her hand to her forehead and shook her head.  "Eric, please don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic.  Now I'm going to ask you one more time, and I want a straight answer:  do I get you up anymore?"

"Annie!"

"Sorry.  I know that's a vulgar way to put it, but I need to know."

"Look, I've been trying to explain this to you, but I don't think you're listening.  I have not been physically able to 'get it up' lately, as you so eloquently put it, but that's no fault of yours."

Annie turned away from him as tears began to well up in her eyes.  "I see."

Eric let out a frustrated sigh.  "If you'd like, I could consult my doctor about a Viagra prescription."

"No no," Annie responded without facing him.  "That won't be necessary."

Eric scooted over to rub her back comfortingly, but she shook away as soon as his hands touched her.  "Annie, please.  There's no shame in this for either of us.  We're both slowing down.  Maybe me more than you, but it's a perfectly natural part of the aging process."

"Is it, Eric?" she asked as her shimmering, tearful eyes slowly raised to meet the camera lens.  "Is it?"

*

CUT!

***

NEW SCENE:  Lucy and Kevin Kinkirk's apartment above the Camden garage.

CAST:  Lucy Kinkirk, Kevin Kinkirk.

And…ACTION!

*

The camera spied newlywed Lucy Camden Kinkirk sitting on her bed, shivering and clutching her knees to her chest.

"Oh come on, Luce.  What's the matter?  Wasn't it good for you?" her husband Kevin asked as he pulled on his shirt.

Lucy wiped a tear from her eye and timidly whispered, "I asked you to slow down.  Why didn't you?"

Kevin sighed with exasperation.  "Are you still mad about that?  Come on, I was in the groove.  You can't expect me to slow down when I'm in the groove, babe."

At the condescending sound of the word "babe", something snapped inside Lucy.  Her face hardened as she turned to glare at her husband.  "Yes, I can, Kevin.  I'm your wife.  If I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it."

"Okay, what if you asked me to jump off a bridge?  Do you think I'd do that?"

Lucy stood up and crossed her arms.  "If I asked you to, then you damn well better.  Because I know where you keep your gun while you're asleep."

Kevin looked at her with wide-eyed surprise at first, but then he laughed.  "Heh, that's pretty funny, babe."

She eyed Kevin's police-issue holster atop the apartment table and said, "No joke, 'babe'."

Detecting the direction of her gaze, Kevin nervously uttered, "Um, okay.  No problem.  Next time you ask me to do something in bed, I'll do it."

Lucy crossed over to Kevin's holster and began to trace her fingers around his weapon.  "Not just in bed.  I mean it, Kevin.  Things are going to change around here.  You may wear the badge, but from now on I wear the pants.  Is that clear?"

Kevin swallowed hard as she pulled the weapon from the holster, pointed it toward the window, took aim, and imitated the noise of a gun firing.  "Crystal."

Her eyes gradually crossed from the window to the camera lens.  Gaining a nervous sort of confidence, she nodded slowly.  "Excellent."

*

CUT!

***

NEW SCENE:  The Camden kitchen.

CAST:  Paris Petrowski, Ben Kinkirk.

And…ACTION!

*

The camera spied Peter's mother, Paris Petrowski, wildly kissing Kevin's younger brother, Ben Kinkirk, atop the Camden kitchen counter.  "Oh, more!  Yes, Ben.  Yes yes yes!"

Peter tapped Ruthie's shoulder and whispered, "I don't think I can watch this for much longer without gagging."

Ruthie rolled her eyes.  "Fine.  Give me the camera and wait upstairs while I finish filming."

Again, the camera spied Paris madly sucking Ben's face.  "Oh, Ben, let's talk about you and me, right here, right now, on this kitchen floor."

He pulled back suddenly.

Paris looked at him disbelievingly.  "What?  Don't try to tell me you weren't thinking the same thing.  I know that's not a flashlight in your pocket."

"Look, Mrs. Petrowski…"
"Please!  For the thousandth time, call me Paris."

"Paris, you came here to pick up your son.  I mean, what would happen if he or Ruthie were to come down here and catch us going at it on the kitchen floor?"

"I know!  It kind of adds a thrill knowing that we could get caught, doesn't it?"

"No!  It does the exact opposite for me.  Besides, I like these people, and now that my brother is a part of their family, I don't want to defile their kitchen like that."

Paris sulked.  "Well gosh, what happened to that carefree twenty-three-year-old guy I made out with in here for hours on Valentine's Day?"

Ben sighed and ran his hands through his hair.  He walked over to a chair at the kitchen table and sat down.  "Nothing, really.  It's not like I've grown up any since then.  At least I don't think I have."

"Then stop talking and do me!"

Ben looked at her and tried hard to think for a minute.  "God knows that parts of me want to, Paris.  But then there's, like, my head.  And it's trying to warn me that you'll be good for ten minutes, or however long it takes, but then you'll be gone again.  And it's reminding me that the other times I've gotten myself into this kind of situation, things went bad.  You know, 'cause ending up alone, like, really sucks."

Paris ran a hand through his hair amorously.  "Oh, you are just the cutest little teddy bear when you're trying to be sensitive.  Now shut up and help me get this bra off."

Ben tried to think things through a bit more, but the task was simply too difficult.  His eyes roamed over to the camera lens, and he shrugged and gave up.  "Sure thing, Mrs. Petrow…er, I mean Paris."

*

CUT!

***

NEW SCENE:  Ruthie's room, Camden attic.

CAST:  Ruthie Camden, Peter Petrowski.

And…ACTION!

*

"See, Peter, now we hook the computer up to the camera with this cable, and we can download all the scenes we just shot."

Peter picked some dirt from under his fingernail.  "Actually, Ruthie, I'm not sure we should download all that stuff.  I mean, it wasn't really super-funny like the stuff Matt filmed.  In fact, most of it was pretty sad.  Didn't you think so?"

Ruthie giggled.  "Oh yeah, I forgot, you didn't watch the scene with your Mom and Ben.  Now THAT was hilarious."

"Ew!  I doubt it."

Ruthie patted him on the back and goaded him on.  "Come on, Peter!  This will be fun.  We can edit it together and then post it on my website.  The guys in the Third Infantry Division over in Baghdad will really get a kick out of this."

"But don't you think we'll just get in trouble with your family if we show the whole world that Simon is in the closet, your father is impotent, and Kevin and Lucy have a loveless marriage?"

She rolled her eyes.  "Oh please.  If spying on my family and airing their business in public were punishable offenses, I'd have been sent to Buffalo years ago."

"I just have a bad feeling about this.  It wouldn't be a very nice thing to do."

Ruthie became infuriated.  No way was her stupid boyfriend going to keep her from releasing her hilarious movie sequel.  "What are you, having a sudden attack of conscience now?  Come on, Peter.  I saw how hard you were laughing at Matt's video.  You can't convince me that you don't want to do this."

"Didn't you hear me?  I just told you all my reasons."  Peter sighed.  "Listen, Ruthie, I'm starting to think you're not a very nice person, and I'm not really sure I want to be your boyfriend anymore."

Ruthie narrowed her eyes to slits.  "Oh, really?  I would think hard about that decision if I were you.  Do you really want to break up with me, Peter Petrowski?"

After a moment of consideration, Peter answered, "I think so.  I think we're done here."

She hadn't wanted it to come to this, but it was time to play the trump card.  Ruthie put a hand up to stop him from leaving.  "Not so fast.  See, I have two older brothers, so I know what twelve-year-old boys do when they think they're alone in the bathroom."

Peter squirmed.  "Wh-what are you talking about?"

"See, after I finished filming the scene with Paris and Ben, I came upstairs to look for you.  But you were nowhere to be found.  That's when I realized there was someone in the bathroom."  Ruthie paused to let him squirm a bit more, then continued:  "Have you ever noticed how wide the space between the door and the floor is in that bathroom, Peter?  I'd say it's about wide enough to fit the lens of this webcam under.  So, let's just say that I got some 'interesting' footage while you were in there, if you know what I mean – and I think you do."

"You…you didn't!"

Ruthie said nothing, but her grin spread from ear to ear.

Doing his best to choke back tears, Peter managed to squeak, "How could you?  After I bought tampons for you?"

"Hey.  Nobody dumps Ruthie Camden."

Devastated, Peter tried to think of any way to save himself.  "But…but, you can't post that on the internet.  It would be illegal."

Ruthie beamed triumphantly, basking in the knowledge that Peter had taken the bait, hook, line, and sinker.  No longer able to refrain from bragging about the magnificence of her trick, she confessed it to him:  "Okay, fine.  I admit that even though I knew what you were doing, I didn't really film you in the bathroom.  But smile, because you're on candid camera right now!"

In shock, Peter looked at the computer screen and realized that his entire humiliating emasculation at Ruthie's hands had just been downloaded.  Forlornly, he turned to face her and whimpered, "You're…pure evil!"

Ruthie shrugged.  "Whatever.  I had to think of some way to get you on board with this movie, and what better way to do it than blackmail?"

Unable to speak, Peter shook his head in mortified disbelief.

Meanwhile Ruthie paused and thought for a minute, and a sinister light began to shine in her eyes.  "You know, Peter, I wasn't originally planning to include this scene in the final cut.  But now that I think about it, this sequel needs a punchier ending than just Ben and your mom going at it.  And the look on your face right now is absolutely priceless.  So I'm sure you won't mind if I use this scene as my closing act instead, will you?"  Without waiting for confirmation, she continued, "Thanks.  You're the world's best boyfriend."  She sidled over to him and gave him a peck on the cheek, which he quickly and disgustedly wiped away.

Then she reached over to the camera and clicked the "Off" button.

*

CUT…and…PRINT IT!

That's a wrap, people.

***

"Let's Talk About Sex" – Salt 'n' Pepa

(Punch it, Hurb
Yo, I don't think we should talk about this
Come on, why not?
People might misunderstand what we're tryin' to say, you know?
No, but that's a part of life)

Come on

[CHORUS]

Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex

Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course, how it should be
Those who think it's dirty have a choice
Pick up the needle, press pause, or turn the radio off
Will that stop us, Pep? I doubt it
All right then, come on, Spin

[CHORUS]

Hot to trot, make any man's eyes pop
She use what she got to get whatever she don't got
Fellas drool like fools, but then again they're only human
The chick was a hit because her body was boomin'
Gold, pearls, rubies, crazy diamonds
Nothin' she ever wore was ever common
Her dates heads of state, men of taste
Lawyers, doctors, no one was too great for her to get with
Or even mess with, the Prez she says was next on her list
And believe me, you, it's as good as true
There ain't a man alive that she couldn't get next to
She had it all in the bag so she should have been glad
But she was mad and sad and feelin' bad
Thinkin' about the things that she never had
No love, just sex, followed next with a check and a note
That last night was dope

Let's talk about sex, baby (sing it)
Let's talk about you and me (sing it, sing it)
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex (come on)
Let's talk about sex (do it)
Let's talk about sex (uh-huh)
Let's talk about sex

Ladies, all the ladies, louder now, help me out
Come on, all the ladies - let's talk about sex, all right