Disclaimer: Castle and all of its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Productions. "Apologize" belongs to Luke Bryan.
So, I'm not sure, but I think that I want to do this as a multichapter. You guys read through it and let me know what you think. Should I leave it here, or continue the storyline? I know that there will probably be hundreds of fics from that preview for next week's ep.
WARNING: some spoiler-ish things from "47 Seconds", nothing too big, but if you haven't watched it and don't want to have any spoilers, than I wouldn't suggest reading this.
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground.
I'm hearing what you say, but I just can't make a sound.
You tell me that you need me, then you go and cut me down,
But wait, you tell me that you're sorry, didn't think I'd turn around and say
That it's too late to apologize,
It's too late.
I said, it's too late to apologize,
It's too late.
Nothing. He sighed and raked his hands through his hair as he leaned against the wall in his elevator at his apartment building. Real smooth, Rick. Reaaaal smooth. The elevator doors slid open and he drug his feet all the way to his front door. He let his forehead against the wood and banged it lightly.
He took a deep breath and pushed the door to the silent loft open, shrugging out of his jacket and dropping it next to his keys on the floor next to the coat rack. The house was too empty. His mother had been going to her new boyfriend's house and Alexis had gone out with some of her friends from school to clear her mind after the case. He couldn't say that he blamed her, he would have liked nothing more than to have gone to the Old Haunt with his friends. With Ryan and Esposito. With...with Kate. But, instead, he was opening the cabinets to his liquor cabinet and searching over the extensive inventory.
He settled into the welcoming cushions of his couch, the fluted neck of a Jack Daniel's bottle clutched in his hand, sans the glass. He knew that it was more of a cheap whiskey, straight from the bottle sort of night. He took a long pull off of the bottle, wincing as it sizzled down his throat and hit his stomach.
She remembered. She remembered everything, and she hadn't told him. He oculdn't believe it. After everything they'd been through, and everything that they'd overcome together. Everything he'd done for her. He had been willing to wait for her. It didn't matter to him that they worked together, because when you love someone, love is love. It didn't matter that they shouldn't be together and it shouldn't matter that they've been through because he loved her. God damn it, he loved her.
He drank down another large swallow of the whiskey, draining nearly three quarters of the bottle in two drinks. He wanted to get fall down, black out drunk. He wanted to be the Richard Castle that he was before she'd bulldozed into his life. He wanted to return to the rough and tumble, wild partying days that he'd had when he was younger. He wanted the parade of women that were more than willing to be carted around on his arm and sit shot gun in his Ferrari. But, truth be told, it pissed him off how much he actually didn't want any of that. Those days were behind him, and that was the hardest part of the equation.
I take another chance, take a shot, take a fall for you.
I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new.
I loved you with the fire red, now it's turning blue,
And you said, sorry like the angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I'm afraid,
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late.
I said it's too late to apologize,
It's too late.
She was engrained in him more than he ever thought that anyone could be. Her hair. Her eyes. Her voice. Her smile. And her laugh, oh God, her laugh. Her laugh haunted his dreams and his very being every single moment of every single day.
He was halfway through another long drink when a loud, aggressive knock echoed through out the loft and bounced around his head, sounding much too loud for his ears. He stood too quickly and his head swam wildly, the room spinning and tiliting on its axis. He fell back into the cushions, careful not to let the Jack spill.
"Ah, fuck it." He muttered to himself. "It's open!" He yelled when the knock came again. If he thought back on it, it didn't shock him in the least to see her stride through the door, slamming it behind her, and immediately crowding him way too close for his liking.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She growled, leaning down so that she could see him better. "You tell me you want to tell me something, then you take off the second that we actually have time to talk about whatever the hell is on your mind. So, please, explain to me what is going on in that brain of yours, Castle."
He stared at her a moment, slack jawed, not quite sure what to say, but the buzz of the alcohol had worn off the second her Stillettos had hit his hard wood floor. He pushed himself off the couch and stood in front of her.
"You want to know why I run, Kate? Do you really want to know why? Because, I'm not going to apologize to you for it after you freak out." Kate crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him, waiting for him to continue. "I don't tell you because you don't want to know! You aren't ready for me to tell you all of the things that I have been hiding from you for the past three years. You REMEMBER, Kate! You remember everything about your shooting and you remember that I told you I'm in love with you. But you lied to me! You told me that you didn't remember, and I want to know why!"
"Because..." She sighed and threw her hands in the air angrily. "Because I wasn't ready, Rick! I didn't want to hurt you like I hurt everyone else that I lo...care about." He scoffed and brushed past her to toss the now empty Jack bottle into the recycling bin next to his trash can. He pulled a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label from the cabinet and cracked the top.
"It's a bit late for that, don't you think?"
"Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that I lied to you, but there's nothing that I can do to change that now." She replied, watching the bottle raise to his lips and watching the liquid slid down his throat. Before she could stop herself, she was snatching the bottle from him and shattering it against the wall. "Would you stop fucking drinking?" She snapped in response to the aggrivated glare that he leveled at her.
"No. I'm going to keep drinking," He moved quickly and grabbed a nearly full bottle of Jameson's out of the cabinet and downed a large gulp. "Because I want to drink until I can't remember who the fuck you are. I want to keep drinking until I can walk into the precinct and work alongside you without feeling anything. I want to keep drinking until my body forgets that I'm in love with a woman who doesn't want a damned thing to do with me. I am going to keep drinking until breathing doesn't hurt so much anymore." He snarled, his body hovering so close to hers that she could feel his warm, alcohol laden breath on her face. He didn't move as he lifted the bottle to his lips once again and drank down more of the whiskey.
"Rick, I don't think that this is what you really want." She whispered, his words having cut straight to her core.
"I am a grown man, Kate. I think I know what I want without you telling me. Contrary to your belief, I don't need you, Kate." His voice was low and harsh as he spoke, sending a shiver through her body. His posture was menacing and she startled at the realization of what the shudder that had run through her was caused by. Fear. She was afraid of Castle. "Now, if you don't mind, get the fuck out of my house." He stepped away and turned back to the couch, swallowing down another drink.
"I'm in love with you too, Rick." She replied quietly. He scoffed and didn't even bother to turn back to look at her for her reply, but the tone of his voice was enough to shatter what was left of her heart into thousands of pieces. He slumped back onto the couch, his icy blue eyes boring a hole straight through her.
"Get out, Kate." He sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. He couldn't deal with this right not. He couldn't stand have her in his loft, telling him that she was in love with him when he was doing his damndest to get over her.
"Rick, come on...you don't have to do this. We can talk this out. We always get through things together. Always, remember?" She gave him a sad half smile. "You're my partner, Castle. You can't just throw that away."
"I never said that I was going to throw that away, Kate. I'm going to continue at the precinct. Not for you." He stated, looking away because he couldn't handle watching the large tears that were escaping her eyes. "I'm going to be doing this for the victims and their families. They deserve justice, so I'm going to continue helping them. But, I'm not coming back for you, Kate. You can't assume that I'm always going to be there for you when you deem it necessary." He snapped, heaving himself off of the couch and moving to the door. He steadied himself, the alochol making him sway as he reached the door knob. "Now, if you'll kindly get the hell out, I've got company coming over." She felt her heart break again, and she moved towards the door. She leaned over and kissed him softly on the cheek, chosing to ignore the tension that flooded through him when her lips touched his cheek.
"Until tomorrow, Rick?" She whispered, meeting his gaze until he tore his eyes away from hers.
"Good night, Detective Beckett."
I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground...
Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Drop me a review and let me know.
Much love, J. Rook