Random Crackfic I came up with while thinking about sheep one day. Hope you like it. One-shot, might I add?

Disclaimer: Me no own Bleach.

Ulquiorra and The Sheep

Chapter 1:

Ulquiorra was wandering the hallways of Las Noches. He could have sworn that he had gone the right way to get back to his room after the meeting. He had taken his usual left, then he turned down the third hall to his right and should have arrived in the espada housing area of the huge building. He had to admit it. He was lost. He was positive that Gin was the one to blame. He turned and looked up at one of the hall cameras and resisted the urge to scowl up at it. He sighed and continued on his way, hoping that someone would distract the shinigami long enough for him to make it back to his room.

Gin always played tricks on people by moving the hallways around. Ulquiorra was quite certain that he had made a habit out of doing it to Tousen. The poor blind shinigami barely ever left Aizen's throne room for this reason.

Sadly Ulquiorra did not get his wish. He had been wandering for the last hour and a half and he yet to see his room that he so longed for. He was tempted just to sleep in the hallway, but who knew what would happen to him then? He continued on, hoping that he would make somehow find his room. He didn't think he'd even longed for it this much.

Not ten minutes later a grinning Nnoitra and a smirking Grimmjow came walking down the hall, straight towards Ulquiorra.

"Hey, Ulquiorra, whatcha doing wandering around here in the middle of the night?" the fifth asked.

"It's always night here," Ulquiorra replied before trying to get past them. Grimmjow moved to block him. "Let me by," the smaller espada demanded.

"No."

"Not until we tell ya about the sheep."

"The what?" he asked, imagining the fluffy creatures he had once seen when he was alive.

"The sheep," Nnoitra answered as if it made sense, making his voice and facial expression rather creepy.

"I'd rather not hear. Now if you'd excuse me..." Ulquiorra tried to make his way through the two who were so rudely blocking him, but he was simply blocked once more.

"I think you'd better hear what we have to say," Grimmjow told him, making it obvious that they weren't going to let him pass until he had heard them out.

"Fine. What about some sheep?"

"Not some sheep," Nnoitra answer, grinning. "The sheep."

"Yeah, you see, we're talking about huge demon sheep."

"Demon? You mean hollow?"

"No," the sexta replied, "demon sheep. As soon as you look one in the eyes you become paralyzed, completely unable to move. It first sucks you reiatsu from your body. It uses it's fur as a buffer so no one can hear you scream-"

"I thought looking into it's eyes made you paralyzed. How could you scream if you're frozen?"

Grimmjow seemed annoyed that he had been interrupted. "It likes the sound of your muffled screams so you can't move, but you can still speak. Anyway, where was I?"

"It's fur," Nnoitra supplied.

"Oh yeah, thanks Nnoitra. Right, so they put their fur into your mouth so that no one can hear you scream as they do the next part..."

"What next part?" Ulquiorra asked, wanting to know now that he'd been told the first part.

"Should we tell him?" Grimmjow asked his companion.

"I don't know if he'd be able to handle it."

"True, it might give him nightmares."

"Tell me if you're going to, if not then stop wasting my time." Ulquiorra certainly was curious now and was hoping that they'd tell him what the sheep did next, but he would never say so out loud.

"Fine, but don't come crying to me in the middle of the night if you are having nightmares." Grimmjow turned to Nnoitra. "Why don't you tell the next part?"

"Gladly. So, when you're standing there, unable to move, your screams unable to be heard, it wraps it's arms around your body and bites into your neck with razor sharp fangs. It injects you with this poison what makes your skin feel like it's melting off your bones and then... then it eats you! It doesn't make it a quick death either. No, it takes it's time, ripping each piece flesh of your body."

"But that's not all," Grimmjow added. "As soon as your blood is spilled and the scent of the poison is in the air... Well, it attracts other sheep."

"You'd probably have nine or ten on you before dying, seeing that you regenerate so rapidly," Nnoitra told the fourth espada.

"Well then, it would give others a chance to find me then or I could wait until the affects of looking them in the eyes died away."

"But that's just it. It takes weeks for them to finish eating someone. They are rather slow and like taking their time. Once you look one of the sheep in the eyes, your fate is sealed. You won't be able to move for months. They drag you to the darkness of their dimension so that they can take their time in eating you and not have to worry about anyone else disrupting them. You're a goner if you even meet one of those things."

"So basically as soon as you look one in the eyes you're dead?"

"Well, not always. There are some where if you just glance at their eyes you're only partially paralyzed. You end up being fine after a few hours, but they gather their friends and they'll all come back for you later."

"How come I've never heard of these demon sheep before and you two have? Certainly Aizen-sama would have told me if such things existed before he told you." Ulquiorra was certainly disturbed. He didn't get how two espada ranked lower than him could know such things anyway.

"Aizen told all of us half an hour ago." Yes, half an hour ago when Ulquiorra had still been wandering the white, blank halls of Las Noches, annoyed by their resemblances in looks.

"Why would he have told everyone about them now and not before?"

"Well... because... Didn't you hear?"

"What? No, I wasn't there, obviously."

"They... Well..." Nnoitra was having a hard time saying it.

"They what?"

"Something happened, it was an accident. Tousen ended up opening the door to where they were sealed and now they're wandering around Las Noches. Aizen assured us that they'd be captured soon, but we just figured we should tell you since you're so fond of your midnight strolls."

"These creatures are out and wandering through Las Noches?" This really did not sound good.

"Yeah, so now that we told you, we better get going. Bye!" With that the two lower-ranked espada's sonidoed back to the safety of their rooms, laughing all the way.

Ulquiorra found himself all alone, lost in the halls of Las Noches with flesh-eating demon sheep wandering around. He most definitely was frightened. It didn't sound like a fair fight. Look into their eyes and you can't move. He really had to get back to his room now. He was certainly more desperate than before. Surely Gin wouldn't lead him into the sheep though, right? Ulquiorra gulped. He certainly hoped not.

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Grimmjow laughed. "Man, I think he fell for it."

"Yeah, just wait till he sees the sheep. Did you inject them with that potion from Szayel?" Nnoitra asked.

"Yeah, the paralysis won't last more than a night, but it most certainly will scare Ulquiorra nearly to death."

"Now that's somethin' I can't miss. Control room?" With a nod they both sonidoed to the control room, laughing about their ingenious scheme. Gin was certainly happy to help when he heard the reason for the sheep wandering around the halls and began to change the halls so that Ulquiorra would run into them sooner rather than later.

Page Break

Ulquiorra had pulled a small mirror out of his pocket. He kept it on him so that when people told him he had something on his face he could look and see if they were lying or not. He was currently using it to navigate the halls. At the sight of something white and furry coming from behind him, Ulquiorra freaked. So they weren't lying after all! He didn't want to be eaten by the sheep! He really didn't.

Ulquiorra had been too busy watching the sheep behind him to notice the one in front of him. He walked right into it, dropping his mirror. As soon as he bent down to get it he found himself staring into liquidy green eyes. Instantly he fell limp on the floor. I'm really going to get eaten by sheep. Ulquiorra thought to himself, wondering how this had happened to him. The sheep licked the side of his face and the fourth espada prepared himself for fur and pain. It didn't come, though. The sheep simply walked by. What had Grimmjow said this meant? Oh right, it'd come back from him later. With friends. Ulquiorra was terrified. He was going to die at the mouth of a sheep.

His vision faded after laying there for a while, sleep finally settling in.

Page Break

Grimmjow and Nnoitra were snickering from their places at the meeting table. Others ignored them, finding such behavior normal for those two. "Wait, here he comes!" Grimmjow whispered to the fifth. They stopped laughing and tried to pull on serious faces. After taking a sip of tea it was highly unlikely that they'd be laughing anytime soon. It was bad.

Ulquiorra slid into his seat across from Grimmjow and leaned forward to talk to the two espada who had told him about the sheep. "Do you know of anything that keeps the sheep or away or ways to protect yourself from them?"

Grimmjow scratched his head. He knew it was probably killing the fourth espada to do this, but everything was falling right into place. "Well, Szayel had this potion that he gave everyone. It should work... That is, if you haven't seen any sheep yet." He knew that Ulquiorra had, having been watching him the last night.

"I have seen the sheep. Will it still work?"

"No, but there is one other way to keep them away. I'm guessing that you looked one in the eyes and now it's going to be hunting you down, am I right?" Ulquiorra nodded. "Well then, there is only one other way. You have to wear a special sheep repellant."

"A spray?"

"No, it's something you wear over your clothes."

"Oh. What does this sheep repellant look like?"

"I'll show you after the meeting."

"A-Alright." It was obvious that Ulquiorra was not looking forward to going out into the halls again.

Finally when the meeting ended they made their way to Grimmjow's room. "So what is it that you have to wear over your clothes?" Ulquiorra asked.

"This," Grimmjow said grinning as he pulled out a purple tutu.

"Oh." Ulquiorra didn't know what to think. It would certainly clash with his outfit... Well, as long as it would protect him from the sheep so that he could continue serving Aizen-sama... "Alright."

After Grimmjow took a couple of snap shots of Ulquiorra wearing the purple tutu, claiming that it activated it, the fourth espada left. The two remaining in the room burst into laughter. "I can't believe that actually worked!"

"Yeah, I know!" Grimmjow laughed some more. "You know, he actually looks kinda cute in a tutu, he should wear them more often."

"Come on, we have some winnings to collect."

The two trouble makers had to avoid the paralyzed arrancars and hollows lying left and right in the halls. Gin should make sure that Ulquiorra made it back to his room without running into any sheep. Their plan had worked out perfectly.

Once they arrived at their destination they knocked on the door. "Yami, open up!"

"What is it?" the big espada asked once he had opened his door.

"We did it, now pay up."

"No way you got Ulquiorra into a tutu."

"Oh yeah? Look at these." Grimmjow presented his pictures. Sure enough, Ulquiorra was wearing a tutu.

"Fine, fine. I can't believe you guys actually got him to do that." Yami pulled three fives out of his jacket. "Here, take them."

"Pleasure doing business with ya!" Nnoitra called as they made their way down the hall.

Later that day

"You made the story up?" Ulquiorra ripped the tutu off. "Why?" He didn't get why those two lowly espada, the trash, would do something like that.

"Well, it all started when Yami said that we couldn't get you to wear a tutu, and I said we could. He bet fifteen dollars and then Nnoitra and I came up with a plan. That's pretty much the story behind it."

"You did that... for fifteen human dollars?"

"Well, ten actually, we had to give Szayel five for helping us with the sheep. Well, have a nice life, we have some sheep to return." The two espada walked away, leaving a very disturbed Ulquiorra. Had he no respect from those low lives?

Aizen's Throne Room

"Are they all contained?" the leader asked.

"Yes, all of the demon sheep are. Somehow average ones managed to get into the castle as well, but they are no problem."

"Good. How many losses were there?"

"Two, sir."

Aizen sighed, "We really need to do something about those demon sheep..."

Alright, how'd you like it? Was it interesting at all or boring? The description came out a bit more disturbing than I had planned... Anyway, hope you liked it. Reviews tell me if I should attempt something like that again or not. Thanks for reading!

KoiPondOfPeace