I do not own anything. And a big thank you to my beta! 3
After seeing that man dead earlier today, it shook me up inside. I needed Luke to be there for me and he wasn't there; he chose the job over me. So, I ran. I ran straight into Sam's arms. The lights happened to come back on before we could get too far, though. I was stupid, and I ran again, this time away from Sam. So here I am, sitting in my living room staring at a turned off TV, with thousands of thoughts running through my head. I can't believe that I ran straight into Sam's arms. The thing that bothers me the most, is that I feel bad for running from him after the lights came back on. I should be mad at myself for going to him in the first place, but I am even madder at myself for leaving him. The look on his face when he saw me leave was something that haunts me. I must have finally dozed off, because I jump off the couch when a pounding noise seems to shake my whole apartment.
"Damn it McNally, open this door before I bust it down!" I hear a very angered Sam shout through my door.
"Hold on a second, let me put something on," I shout back.
This statement causes him to growl, the sound reaching me through the door, causing shivers to race down my spine. I must be taking too long, because the pounding on my door sounds again.
"McNally, I don't feel like breaking down your door, please open it," sounds through my door.
"I am coming, would you calm down before the neighbors call the cops on you?" I say, throwing the door open.
"Finally. You had me thinking I was going to have to bust the door down," Sam says, walking over to my couch.
"I really hope my neighbors didn't call the cops on you," I tell him, sitting in the chair across from him.
"I am the cops, they don't need to call me. I am already here. Will you please come sit on the couch by me? I promise you I am not going to bite you," he says, patting the couch next to him.
Hesitantly, I walk over and sit down next to him.
"My neighbors have no clue you are a cop, and they have a tendency to call for the tiniest things. Why were you pounding on my door at two in the morning, anyways?" I question.
"If the cops show up, I will handle it. I wanted to talk to you about what happened tonight. You know that I am here for you no matter what. I am your training officer and I want you to succeed in being a police officer. That means that you have to be one hundred percent; physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want to make sure that you are ok with the shooting today. I can tell you that it doesn't get easier, but it helps if you talk it out. You don't have to talk to me, but I recommend that you don't hold all your emotions inside," he tells me, taking my hands into his.
Staring into his eyes, I can see honesty and I feel safe with him.
"I am bothered by tonight, I am bothered by the fact that I had to kill someone. I am pissed off that if feels like my life has totally been shaken. I know that sounds stupid, but I am so confused right now. I feel like I am drowning and that there is no way to the surface. I just want the feeling of being lost to go away," I say to him quietly.
"I wish I could take all that away so that you don't have that lost feeling, Andy. I wish I could take all your pains again. Damn it Andy, I have feelings for you. I told myself that I wouldn't fall for you, but I have. I know you have Luke, but I will be here for you, no matter what. Please let me help you, tell me what I can do to make you feel better," he says to me with great sincerity, that tears fill my eyes.
His hand comes up gently to wipe the tears away from my eyes.
"Sam, thank you. Just your words alone have calmed me down so much. I feel like I don't have to be someone I am not when I am with you. I can just be me, and you don't judge me. I am going to break it off with Luke. He wasn't working out; it started with Benny, and now he chooses work over me. I can't do that, I know I sound selfish but I don't think he is right for me. I really want to try with you. Can we please take this slow? I want to start out as friends and work into a relationship, I don't just want to jump into something with you. I trust you, and I want to see where this goes," I say to him.
"I am willing to wait as long as you need Andy. If you need a year, then I will be here the whole time right beside you. If you need space, then you can have it. If you need someone to talk to, then I am here. I know you ran today because you didn't want to complicate things, but please, next time talk to me before you run," he tells me.
"I need to end things with Luke, then we can see where things go. Like I said, I just need a good friend now. That way we can slide into a relationship, instead of crashing head first into it. Anyways, we can't technically date right now anyway. Maybe once I am no longer a rookie, I will be ready to make us official," I say, resting my head on his shoulder.
His moves his arm to wrap it around me. "Andy, I want you to tell me if I am ever moving too fast for you," he whispers to me.
"I think if we cuddle like this, and kiss occasionally, I will be good with that. I feel comfortable with you, and being close to you seems so natural," I say.
The ringing of my cell phone breaks our moment, and I move away so I can answer. Looking at my screen, I see that it is Luke calling me again. Not ready to talk to him just yet, I hit the ignore button and turn my phone off. Seeing the questing look in Sam's eyes just make me laugh lightly, which causes a look of even more confusion to cross his features.
"It was Luke, and I really don't want to break up with him over the phone. I will meet with him tomorrow and tell him that things are over. I am not the type of girl to break up with someone over the phone," I laugh lightly.
"Hey it is getting late, well actually, closer to morning and I don't want to keep you up. Plus I have to be at work tomorrow, and I don't want to be sleeping on the job," Sam says while yawning.
"I have an extra bedroom, why don't you just crash here tonight. Set the alarm for extra time so you can get to your place and get clothes," I say, getting up and leading him to my guest room.
"I have clothes in my truck that I can grab in the morning. You making me breakfast?" he asks, smiling.
"You want breakfast, then breakfast I will make you," I laugh.
The next day
Waking up to my alarm blaring way too early for me, I stumble out of bed and walk into the kitchen, my mind still foggy from lack of sleep.
"Morning sunshine, how did you sleep?" says Sam, way too perky for this early in the morning.
Normally I can handle early mornings, but I barely got any sleep last night. Right now all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of the day.
"How can you be so happy so early, when we barely got any sleep last night?" I ask him.
"I made coffee already, didn't know if you were going to be up in time. There is still time for you to make me breakfast, though," he smiles as he says this to me.
"Well hot shot, what do you want me to make you?" I ask.
"Pancakes!" he exclaims, with the enthusiasm of a child.
I just nod to him, and begin to make him pancakes. Having him here with my while I make breakfast feels so normal. This feels like something that I can get used to, and for once in my life, that feeling doesn't startle me. Setting his pancakes down in front of him, I walk over and sit next to him at the breakfast bar. He grabs my hand and brings me in for a quick kiss before digging into his pancakes. My land line begins to ring and I am tempted to let it go, but since I turned my cell off last night I think it could be my dad worried about me.
"Hello?" I say.
"Andy its Luke, I tried calling your cell last night but you didn't answer. I want you to know that we found a bunch of evidence, and now the case is taking off. I thought you would like to hear that," Luke says to me.
"Thanks Luke I am fine, and that's great that your case is taking off," I snap.
"Are you mad at me Andy?" Luke asks.
"Actually Luke, I am mad at you. I needed you last night, and you chose work over me. So yes, I am very mad at you. I actually don't think we are going to work out," I say, slamming the phone down.
I storm out of the room, knowing that I am being childish but I can't help it. I walk into the living room and sit down on the couch, resting my head in hands.
"Hey, everything ok?" Sam asks me.
"That asshole didn't even ask how I was doing. He just wanted to tell me that his case was taking off. I can't believe I fell for that ass. I thought I was picking the nice guy, the safe guy. How could I have been so blind?" I say, groaning.
"Hey, it is going to be ok. I mean, now you don't have to worry about him anymore. That means we can start to see where this is going to go," Sam says, putting his arm around my shoulder.
I know that things are going to start to look up. Sam is right, killing someone will never get easier, and it shouldn't. Now though, I have him to help me through the tough times. He is willing to wait for me, and I know that he will be here no matter what. I feel safe knowing that Sam has my back, both on the job and off. I can't wait to see where our relationship takes us.
The End