Dean and Pie:
THE EPIC HATE STORY
Did Dean think he would be here?
No he did not.
Did he think Pie would tie him up?
No, He Did Not.
Did he honestly think Pie would come to life and try to kill Dean?
NO, HE DID NOT.
Maybe I should back up and take you back a couple days ago.
A Couple Days Ago:
"Slooow ride. Take it easssay!", Dean sang at the top of his lungs. Sam was annoyed. He looked out the window in frustration. Dean always did this. Singin some old ass songs that not even his daddy would listen to.
"Deeeean!", whined Sam, "I wanna listen to the new One Direction album!"
"No, you fagtard.", promptly replied Dean.
"But Deeeean", whined Sam.
"Shut up, you puss."
Sam huffed. "Well, then let's talk a little about the case we're gonna have to work on."
Dean sulked. Sam always did this. Whenever Dean was about to get his groove on Sam would talk about cases or go on about Louis Tomlinson or Justin Bieber's hair and did he think Sam could pull it off.
Bitch, it's all about Harry Styles and his awesome hair!, Dean thought.
"Aight, bro. What's the 411?"
Sam picked up a newspaper and went straight for the "Ominous Happininz" page.
"Well, it says here that some local killings are going in on this place called Hamtramck, Michigan (shout-out to my hometown!). "
No duh, Dean thought.
Sam continued. "And people are reporting that all kinds of strange things are appearing."
"What kind of strange things?"
"Some people say they saw Edward and Bella acting gangsta. Some people say the saw Dinosaurs wearing ballet slippers. Others say Simpsons is going to be cancelled."
"Now that's really crazy! Simpsons has been on forever- no way are the gonna cancel it!", Dean screamed in a high-pitched panicked voice.
"OH NO!", yelled Sam.
"WHAT?! WHAT?!", Dean slammed on the brakes.
"JUSTIN BIEBER HASN'T BEEN NOMINATED FOR THE GRAMMIES! OMG! NEITHER HAD ONE DIRECTION! NOOOOOOO, MY LIFE IF OH-VER!", yelled distraught Sam.
Dean slapped Sam across the face, hard.
Dean and Sam had just settled into the Red Roof Inn when Cass popped in carrying a plastic bag.
"Hey, Cass", said Sam.
Cass pushed Sam out of the way and went toward Dean.
"Dean, I think I know what's happening in this town."
"Cass, you really don't get it. The hunters have to investigate, do some research, let at least one person die before they figure it out, find an important key element they overlooked before, draw a conclusion, and then save the people!"
"Oh."
"Oh he says! Well, since you're already here, tell us"
Sam got up and dusted himself off.
"The things people love are coming to life and acting completely wonky"
"Wonky?" said Dean and Sam at the same time.
"Yeah, Hail Mary was caught doing the worm at a gas station. Elmo is going on a murder rampage and the purple tellytubby- don't get me started on that."
"NOT THE PURPLE ONE!", said Dean horrified.
Cass nodded solemnly.
"What's in the plastic bag?", asked Sam as always getting to the heart of it all.
"Pie."
"Gimmie! Gimmie!", yelled Dean tearing the bag away while slapping at Cass.
"WAIT DEAN!", yelled Sam.
There was a bright flash of light and Dean disappeared.
Which Brings Us Back To Now:
"Aw, hell naw.", Dean said moaned and realized he was tied up to a chair.
Pie took that as his cue to move into the light.
Dean squinted and looked him.
Slowly the thing came into clear. It had a thick crusty outer skin that was golden brown and crumbly. It had whipped cream on the top of it. Red gooey stuff oozed out of it. It was triangle shaped.
It was the most beautiful thing Dean had ever seen.
Hello Dean, I've been waiting for you.
"OMG Pie is that you?"
Yes, Dean it is me. Happy to see me?
"Am I ever! What are you doing here?"
Oh Dean I'm sure you can figure that out.
"Oh, yeah", Dean said remembering. "Stuff people love comes to life and act 'wonky' or something"
That's right Dean.
Pie picked up a knife.
Wonky.
"Heeey now. Whatchu gonna do with that?"
Oh this little thing? I'm finna carve out your insides with it.
"Well that's not very original."
A motorbike crashed through the wall. The rider flew off of it and into the opposite wall while knocking Pie to the ground . Unsteadily he got up and took off his helmet.
"Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Classy."
Pie struggled to get up but couldn't because of his awkward shape.
Sam quickly untied Dean while explaining to him what happened over the last few days.
What Happened Over The Last Few Days:
"Dean?"
Sam grabbed Cass by the shoulders. "Why? Why would you bring pie?"
Cass shrugged. "I dunno."
"It's up to us to save Dean then."
"Okay."
(A Few Hours Later :)
Sam and Cass were at the police station gathering some info about the strange things that were happening in town.
"So, Officer Nobodyimportantbecausewe'reobviouslynevergonnaseeyoua gain you were sayin' that all the strange events are just a bunch of prank phone calls?"
"Yeah, that's basically what I'm sayin'"
Cass stopped Sam outside of the station. "If it was all a bunch of prank phone calls then what took Dean?", asked Cass.
Sam sighed. "Cass you really don't get it. You can't trust cops from Detroit. Now let's tail that cop and attack- I mean, interrogate him in his home."
"I'll make sure his wife and kids are watching", said Cass.
(Five Hours Later :)
"Okay! Okay I'll tell you!", shouted a bloody and battered cop.
In the corner his wife, daughter, and son wept. Cass stood over them.
Sam wiped his knife. "Yeah?"
"It's a witch. She was hunted a few years ago but she didn't stay dead, you see. Now every year on the day she died stuff comes to life and acts crazy up in this bitch. It always ends though, after a week."
"Where did she die?"
"At Pulaski Park"
Sam nodded to Cass.
"We've investigated and done research, Sam, but Dean said we have to have one person die before we solve a case."
Sam thought about it. "Anybody here a Supernatural fan?"
Slowly the daughter raised her hand. Sam took out his rifle and blew her head off.
"Okay let's go."
(The Next Day:)
Sam called Bobby on his phone.
"Hey Bobby, I know you're dead and all but for entertainments sake let's let you live for a bit in this story."
"No prob."
Sam explained the situation to him.
"I've searched all of Pulaski Park but still haven't found Dean. Not only that but we still haven't found the crucial bit of information we overlooked."
Bobby thought about it for a minute. "Give the phone to Castiel."
Sam handed the phone to Cass.
"Yes, Bobby? I missed you even though I do not know you that well."
Bobby sighed. "Idjit! Focus, where did you get that pie?"
"I don't-I don't remember",said a very (cutely) confused Castiel.
"Think, boy. Dean's life depends on it."
"Oh. I took it off a grave."
"A grave!", Sam and Bobby yelped. (Sam has hunter's hearing)
"The witch may have died at Pulaski Park but that's not where she was buried", Bobby logically mused.
"Let's burn those bones."
Sam hung up the phone while Bobby's reverted back into his original state. His little cells broke apart and fizzled into dead nothingness.
"Ow."
(Ten Hours Later:)
Cass and Sam watched the burning bones for awhile when Cass grabbed Sam's hand.
"Sam, I fear the even if we burn these bones the magic won't wear off. Pie may still have Dean! He's close by I-I can tell."
Sam looked at Cass holding his hand. Cass let go.
"Where, Cass?"
Cass pointed to the mausoleum. Bread crumbs led up to it.
An awesome Harley motorbike was parked next to it.
And Back To Now:
"What are we gonna do about him?", asked Dean watching Pie thrash on the floor.
Sam handed Dean a fork.
The End!
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