Are we ready for some angst?
After living at Dalton for awhile, Kurt soon realizes it is hard to get Blaine alone. Of course he is always ready to help if he is needed and Kurt knows he is only just a call or text away, but it's different. Kurt rarely ever sees Blaine do something spontaneous, he never just stops by to say hi or to ask how Kurt is doing. He always texts, though. The interest is there, definitely. What's missing is the time and it gets on Kurt's nerves.
On Mondays Blaine tutors and they have two hours of Warblers practice.
On Tuesdays Blaine tutors, helps out with a book club and Skypes with his little sister.
On Wednesdays Blaine has classes the entire day and after dinner he needs to study.
On Thursdays Blaine volunteers for Don't Ask, Don't Tell and has classes and Warblers practice.
On Fridays Blaine mysteriously disappears after dinner and is nowhere to be found.
On Saturdays helps out in a nursing home and plays guitar with a few of his friends.
On Sundays he is gone the entire morning, studies and helps out in the kitchen.
Story short: Blaine is busy and Kurt has never actually seen him walk around without a plan. He's just perfect in every single way – always talking to random people – always helping someone out. "I'll be right there, Kurt! Let me just help out Nick!" or "Go on, Kurt! I'll see you at dinner, I need to explain something to Sebastian!" or "A friend of mine is having a bad day, so I'll see you soon, I have to call him first." And it just doesn't stop there. Whenever Kurt sees him, he is just always smiling in this kind polite sort of way and it's so annoying, so stunning – so weirdly frightening, because; is Blaine even real? Does he ever have a bad day? A good day? When he asks Wes about it, Wes just smiles a bit tightly. "Of course he does, Kurt." he says. "why wouldn't he?"
"Well he's always smiling," Kurt replies. "I just thought it was a bit typical." Wes smoothes his uniform like every student does when Kurt speaks to them and smiles again. "Blaine is a very dedicated student, Kurt," he says. "He's always ready to help out, like a Dalton Academy student should be." Wes nods at Kurt and then excuses himself, leaving him alone in the room. "Right," Kurt says to himself. "Because that explains everything." And it really doesn't.
Kurt doesn't ask Blaine for quite some time. Instead he asks others if he gets the chance because he's shameless and he wants to know. Students of Dalton are hard to get alone, though, Kurt notices after trying to speak with Jeff and not succeeding. They're all busy with planning events, studying, volunteering. All perfecting everything there is to be perfected and slowly, just slowly, it starts to freak out Kurt. He is a perfectionist as well, of course. He likes everything clean, likes his grades high, wants to hit notes just right and makes sure every article of his clothing matches perfectly. But this – this is different in a way. Because this is more than "being a part of the team" like Blaine had said back when he didn't get his solo, this goes so much deeper than that.
"How come you're always so busy?" Kurt asks Blaine when they manage to meet up finally and it's a cold Sunday afternoon, the wind beating down on the glass windows in Kurt's room. Blaine looks up from his phone and seems confused, which is nice, because he isn't smiling that smile. "Here at Dalton we encourage and are encouraged to help out others, Kurt," he says and it's funny – not really – because Kurt watches his eyes and he can see no wheels turn, normally Kurt can see Blaine think when he talks, like he's choosing his words and is still thinking about them when he lets them roll off his tongue, but this time (always, actually, when it involves stuff like this) his eyes are just blank – no thinking involved, just a line he is used to saying and Kurt is taken aback slightly, knowing that Blaine doesn't even have to think about this. Is he that trained, so controlled by a school like Dalton - by its people?
"And you enjoy it?" Kurt goes on and Blaine nods, eyes not changing but – there it is, the smile slowly spreading across his face and Kurt feels a shiver go down his spine, goose bumps rise underneath his blazer. "Dalton Academy has given me the opportunity to go places I've never gone before. I meet new people every day. It's a wonderful experience."
"I'm sure," Kurt mutters under his breath and eyes Blaine , who is staring at him politely – patiently, back straight and hands folded. "What was that?" He asks and Kurt quickly shakes his head. "Sorry, nothing. How old were you again when you started here?"
"I was thirteen," Blaine says without blinking and looks at Kurt. "Why?" Said boy manages a smile. "Just curious. Must've been hard to start here, without knowing anyone. A school so set on manners and performance," He goes on and he knows he should stop, but he's curious and – "Dalton offered me everything my old school couldn't," Blaine replies with the same automatic tone he used with his other answers. "I'm very grateful I could come here. Now – I have a meeting in fifteen minutes and I need to get ready. Text me when you need anything. I'll be there." Blaine leaves.
A couple of nights later Kurt is in his bed when he realizes that maybe the only reason Blaine helped him that day and the days after that – the only reason he helps him now – is because he's a Dalton student. And maybe the only reason Kurt matters is because everyone matters to Blaine, because that's just what he's been taught. Kurt fall asleep crying.
Kurt doesn't fit in. He just doesn't and everyone knows it. Kurt's not trained the way the rest is, he's used to a loving family, used to having extremely loud friends and he's used to living in Lima – a place where you need to scream to be noticed and Dalton is anything but that. It's quiet here, he has so much room to think and yet not enough to breathe just right and sometimes he feels like running away from everything. He'll never go back to Lima, obviously, because he knows that if he does he'll never get out alive – he'll lose his mind there. But he wonders what's worse? A place where he'll never be seen as an equal or a place where equality swallows him whole?
The first time Kurt sees or actually, hears Blaine snap is terrifying and he'll never forget it. He doesn't know why it happens but late at night, there's a commotion and everyone's awake – heads sticking out doors to see what's going on but then the doors respectfully close again. No one bothers to check if everyone's all right or what's going. But Kurt does because Kurt doesn't give a single fuck about the rules or that it's ten o'clock and that he should really go to bed, all he knows is that he knows where the noise came from and he's not about to let it all slide.
"Blaine?" He knocks on his door, quietly, making sure that no one else hears him but no one opens the door and he can't hear anything behind it, not even moving or breathing. Is he at the right door? Is this Blaine's room? He looks at the number again and nods to himself, yes – this is Blaine's room, here's where all the magic happens, except there's no magic because magic's not allowed at Dalton – for a second Kurt smiles at his own horrible joke and then knocks again and again and again but there's still no reply and Kurt gets angry, just a little. "Blaine? Open up. I know you're there."
"Go away, Kurt." He suddenly hears and Blaine's voice is quiet, fragile – Kurt's never heard him like this before and the worry hits him heavily. "No, I want to talk to you. Open up."
"Go away, please." Blaine repeats and the emotion is gone this time, his voice stronger and more controlled as if he's realized that he can't act like this. "I'm not leaving. Open the door." Kurt raises his voice and then hears a small thump, like Blaine just hit the door. "Quiet! Don't be so loud."
Kurt frowns but he's Kurt Hummel for fuck's sake and this is not acceptable. "I will be as loud as I want to, if you don't open that door." He says and oh, he sounds like such a bitch but it's what he's good at and maybe this is exactly what Blaine needs right now. The door opens up just a little then and Kurt wants to smile but then he sees Blaine and he doesn't know anymore. "Please, leave." Blaine pleads, through the small opening he's made and his eyes are rimmed with red and Kurt sees a shattered vase behind him. "Let me in," Kurt orders because he wants to know what's going on and he will – Blaine shakes his head. "Kurt," he says and his eyes are anything but empty right now – it gives Kurt hope, strangely enough – and Blaine leans forward to look out into the empty hall. "Go to bed. It's late. You have classes tomorrow morning."
Kurt wants to hit something, anything. "What's going on, Blaine?" He asks instead but Blaine shakes his head and in the furious blink of an eye he has crawled back into his shell again and he's empty. "Go to bed, Kurt." Blaine says and Kurt does, his limbs shaking as he walks back to his own room and as he slips into his bed he wonders how on earth he can fix this. He stares at his own ceiling for a long time until he falls asleep. He doesn't dream.
The next day, he wonders if he imagined it all. Everyone eats breakfast together and everyone's smiling and no one talks about the sound of glass breaking nor do they talk about the way it all went on until early in the morning. Kurt doesn't see Blaine anywhere and wonders but is too afraid to ask.
Kurt's not able to concentrate the entire day and messes up his French, because he's too busy thinking about Blaine so when he sees him walk down the hall after dinner that night, he chases after him because he knows right now is all he's got. "Blaine!" He calls, loudly and his voice echoes down the hall but no one looks up from their conversation and for a second Kurt feels that threatening feeling again, like he's just not entirely there. Blaine turns his head, though, greets him with a polite smile as he shifts his bag around. "Kurt, how is your day going?" He wonders, kindly and Kurt doesn't even bother answering because really – who gives a fuck about his day?
"Are you all right? What was going on last night?" Kurt's never had an issue with addressing things openly and even though Blaine is generally an exception, this time Kurt doesn't care about the fact that he loves this boy and so he doesn't stop. Something in Blaine's eyes flickers for a moment as he talks but it's gone in a split second and Kurt's not even sure if it was actually there or not. "I'm fine, Kurt. Yesterday was yesterday. You don't have to worry, it won't happen again." Blaine says and it feels as if he's apologizing for something. Kurt nods and smiles, he decides not to ask.
It's a Friday night and Blaine isn't there during dinner. Normally he always shows up and then disappears but now he's just gone altogether. Kurt's curiosity gets the best of him and so he asks Wes. "Where is Blaine?" Wes says he doesn't know and when Kurt asks him where Blaine usually disappears to after dinner, Wes doesn't answer. "I don't know what you're referring to."
Kurt lets it rest, mindlessly playing with his food but he doesn't eat because sometimes he feels that's the only thing he's still got control of in this place.
Hours later it happens again and knowing that almost everyone has gone back home (it's weekend after all) Kurt knocks on Blaine's door and this time isn't planning on backing down. Blaine opens the door after a few knocks and his eyes are red again. "Kurt," he pleads. "Go back to bed, please. I'm begging you," but Kurt pushes him out the way and just walks in, closing the door behind him. Blaine isn't strong, at least not now and lets it all happen. Maybe he wants this, Kurt thinks, but he can never be sure. "Tell me what's going on with you." Kurt says, voice strong and sets Blaine on his bed (Blaine is one of the only students without a roommate) and kneels before him. Blaine doesn't say anything and Kurt notices he's still wearing his blazer, even now. "Come on," he says and reaches to help him out of it but Blaine gasps and struggles, eyes wild with panic as he pushes Kurt back and there's the strength, because Kurt falls back and hits Blaine's desk. For a few terrifying seconds everything is heavenly black and nothing makes sense.
"Kurt!" He hears Blaine cry and he feels him kneel next to him and then hands are on his face and he can see again, Blaine's eyes are wet now – he's not exactly openly sobbing, but Kurt can still see it in him and that's enough. "I am so sorry," Blaine voice cracks as he helps Kurt up and sets him down on his bed, hands stroking his cheeks quietly and for a moment Kurt feels as if maybe Blaine really does care because he can. "It's fine," Kurt speaks up, softly but latches onto Blaine's hand and isn't planning on letting go anytime soon. "What's going on, Blaine?"
And then Blaine laughs and sobs at the same time, it's the most heartbreaking thing Kurt has ever heard and the tears well up and burn at the corners of his eyes. "Nothing," Blaine answers. "Nothing's going on." Kurt pulls Blaine's hand down to his lap, holding it there as he stares into his eyes trying to say something but there's nothing meaningful enough. "You can tell me, Blaine –" He starts off, then freezes as he feels something wet on his fingertips but before he can look down Blaine has snatched his hand away and is clutching it to his chest. When Kurt looks at his own fingers, he doesn't understand why they're red. A tiny drop of blood is smeared to his pointer finger and he looks at it for a moment, trying to understand why it's there.
"You should go," Blaine cuts him off with a snap and he's breathing hard, skin sickly pale. "Kurt. Please go, please – please just go." Kurt looks back at his finger and then needs to swallow the bile that rises in his throat as he realizes that he was holding Blaine… Kurt isn't the one bleeding.
"Show me your wrist." Kurt orders, quietly.
"No." Blaine replies, quickly, his voice higher than normal. "Show me your wrist, Blaine." Kurt repeats and looks up at the older boy, Blaine is all the way across the room by now and his skin is getting paler and paler by the second. "No, I want you to leave," He says, out of breath and looks like a deer in headlights when Kurt gets up from the bed and walks towards him and Kurt doesn't know what he's doing but at the same time he does and it's hard, oh God – it's so hard to see Blaine like this. So frightened, so not Blaine. But Kurt isn't sure if he's ever actually seen the real Blaine, apart from a few tiny glances and he wants to see him, wants to fix him the best way that he can.
"Please leave, Kurt." Blaine cries and he's trying to control his voice, that much is obvious, as he realizes that there is no way out – not this time and Kurt looks at him and they look at each other and there is so much shame everywhere. "Please leave." Kurt doesn't listen as he softly takes hold of Blaine's arm and then he rolls up the sleeve of his blazer and then he can't hear anything.
Blaine's breathing, harshly, with his eyes closed and silent tears roll down his cheeks as Kurt looks at the mess of fresh cuts and old cuts on his arm, the battlefield that used to be pure white skin is scarred and Kurt drops Blaine's arm, rolls down his sleeve and pulls him into a hug so tight they both can't breathe for what seems like ages.
"I'm sorry," is all Blaine says through his tears and the shame on his face is so clear that Kurt wants to kiss it all away but he doesn't, because their first kiss needs to be special and when they're in their seventies he wants to look back and still feel that feeling. "You're perfect," Kurt keeps saying instead and holds him close but Blaine only cries harder at the word. "I can't do it, Kurt." He cries. "I can't satisfy everyone, I'm trying so hard but I can't be what they want me to be." Kurt nods, knows the feeling more than anyone and then realizes he's crying silently along with the boy in his arms.
"I'm so ashamed, I'm sorry," Blaine says when he's stopped sobbing, but there are still tears in his eyes and Kurt wonders if he's able to ever make it better. "I'm disgusting, how can you even look at me?" Blaine looks at his hands, his covered up arms and then at Kurt, who only pulls him in another hug, wanting to say he's anything but that but knowing it will go unheard. "We're going to fix this." Kurt whispers in his ear instead, and they are.
The next day Kurt invites Blaine to come back to Lima with him for the weekend. Blaine lets the nursing home, his friends and the people in the kitchen know he won't be able to make it and when he looks at Kurt his eyes are no longer empty. Blaine is anything but fixed. But it's a start.
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