Nagisa was the very last person on Earth that Rei would have expected to have nightmares.
Rei suspected that he would never have even found out about the nightmares had Nagisa not spent the night on that certain Tuesday, when a storm hit the area so harshly and suddenly that Rei's father had insisted that Nagisa stay the night instead of braving the storm to head home. Nagisa had only been too happy to accept, and Rei was rather happy about the situation as well, if not slightly nervous. After all, the two of them had been dating for a couple of months, (although, he was fairly certain if his father knew about this he might not have been so quick to suggest it,) and the idea of a sleepover with his boyfriend sounded almost too good to be true.
The night went exactly how he assumed a night with Nagisa would go. They studied for as long as Nagisa's attention span would allow, and then they prepared snacks and picked out a movie to watch. As Rei's parents were both home, the two of them were careful about bodily contact, but Rei managed to rest his arm behind Nagisa's shoulders without it looking too conspicuous. Nagisa was making it difficult to focus on the movie with how often he was making a point to continuously scoot closer to Rei and nuzzle his head against his shoulder whenever he had a moment to do so.
As the night wore on and the storm beat mercilessly against the windows of the house, Rei and Nagisa made to Rei's room. They talked and laughed and Nagisa pulled a great many books and magazines out of Rei's perfectly organized and alphabetized bookshelf against Rei's fruitless protests until they were both too tired to stay up anymore. The rain and wind still howling outside, Rei went to his bed and Nagisa took the bedding that had been provided for him on the floor.
It was obvious fairly quickly that Nagisa was not completely content with this arrangement as he began to fidget around under his blankets far more than was necessary. Finally, (and predictably) Nagisa's voice pierced the near-silence that had fallen over the room.
"Rei-chan?"
"Mm. What is it?"
"I really want to sleep in your bed with you. Do you think your parents will come in?"
Nagisa's bluntness always took Rei off-guard.
"Aren't you worried that I'll grind my teeth and keep you up?" Rei couldn't help but reply snidely.
"Aaahh, do you? Rei-chan, do you really grind your teeth?" Nagisa asked in a tone of worry.
"No! I was- Ugh, nevermind. I doubt my parents will come in for any reason… They never do. So… If you want to, then… Come on," he said, cheeks slightly tinted. He lifted up his blankets as means of a formal invitation, and Nagisa gasped happily and sprang up, forgoing walking altogether and opting instead for jumping directly into Rei's bed.
"Rei-chan! I get to sleep with Rei-channn!"
"N-Nagisa-kun, be quiet, you'll wake everyone in the house up! And stop wiggling around, I'm trying to get us situated!"
If he was honest with himself, Rei was glad that Nagisa had suggested it. He would be lying if he said that he hadn't thought about sleeping in the same bed with Nagisa more than once, and although often times those thoughts led to other thoughts that involved other bedroom activities, for the most part he just wanted to be with Nagisa, doing the 'snuggling' thing that he had read about.
Nagisa already seemed to be a professional snuggler; in mere moments he had found himself the perfect spot next to Rei, his head resting just under the other boy's chin and his face pressed into Rei's collar bone, smiling into the warm skin. He bunched his hands at his chest and wiggled closer still.
Rei couldn't help but smile; trying hard not to use calculations, (at the former request of his boyfriend; quote, "Rei-chan, you can't use theories and things like that for relationship stuff! Didn't I tell you that would just set you up to fail? Promise me!") he wrapped his arms around Nagisa's smaller frame, letting out a shallow breath.
"Hey, Rei-chan," Nagisa's voice was muffled and softer than usual, and Rei's face felt hot.
"Mm?"
"I like this. I wish we could do this more often."
Rei managed a small smile… His eyes were getting heavy, and Nagisa's warmth was making him more tired than he had been previously. It was a strange sensation, feeling a warm body next to him in this way, another heart beating so close to his and someone's breath against his skin. It was foreign but not unwelcome.
"Yeah…"
"Rei-chan," Nagisa said again, his voice sounding farther away now, and Rei realized he was dozing off, just as he now was. He hummed a response.
"I really like you, Rei-chan." Nagisa said, and those were the last words spoken between them before they both succumed to sleep.
.
.
.
Rei was not a particularly sound sleeper, he never had been, but sleeping with Nagisa in his arms was proving to be one of the most natural things in the world to him. That being said, it wasn't the extra body in the bed that woke him up, or the fact that the two boys had gotten awkwardly entangled as they slept; it was what Rei's new bed-mate was doing that caused Rei to surface from the world of dreams with a violent suddenness.
Nagisa was screaming.
Screaming and thrashing, to be exact, and when Rei woke up, his first instinct was to silence the sound before anyone else woke up and came to the bedroom to see what was the matter. Still half-asleep and panicking, Rei gently covered Nagisa's mouth with one hand and grabbed his shoulder with the other, practically having to straddle him in order to contain how violently Nagisa was jerking and swinging his arms.
"Nagisa! Nagisa-kun, wake up!" Rei exclaimed, and after another moment of shaking the boy's shoulder gently, Nagisa's eyes opened and his body fell limp.
Rei slowly removed his hand from Nagisa's mouth, his heart hammering in his chest from the flurry of the whole ordeal. Nagisa stared at him through the darkness, almost as if were confused as to why Rei was so worked up.
"Rei-chan? Wuh... What's wrong?" Nagisa asked tiredly, rubbing his eyes.
Rei cleared his throat. "Are you okay?" Rei asked worriedly, quickly and awkwardly removing his weight from the other boy to sit back on his side of the bed. Nagisa sat up, still rubbing his eyes sleepily.
"Huh?"
"You were… You woke me up, you were thrashing around and screaming…"
"I was?" Nagisa asked, and then laughed languidly. "That's weird."
"Nagisa-kun…"
"I was having a nightmare," Nagisa explained with a tired smile. "I can't really remember what it was about now."
"A nightmare?" Rei asked him worriedly. "Is it… Is it because you're sleeping over here, or something like that?"
"What?" Nagisa laughed again, shaking his head. "No way! Your bed is so comfortable, it's way more comfortable than mine-"
"It's not really about the comfort." Rei pointed out with a sigh.
Nagisa flashed Rei a reassuring smile. "It's not about anything else, either," he said. "It was just a nightmare. They don't mean anything." he said, and yawned hugely. "I'm sorry I woke you up," he said, his eyes falling closed even while sitting up.
"Don't worry," Rei said hastily, his expression still worried. "Are you sure you don't want me to sleep somewhere else, or-"
"No, Rei-chan! I want to sleep here with you. That would make me happy right now," he said, laying back down and getting into a proper position for Rei to embrace him again. Rei looked down at Nagisa's smiling face, although he could barely make it out in the darkness and without his glasses. How could Nagisa smile and be so carefree after an outburst like that? Nightmares were terrible… And whatever had Nagisa screaming like that…
Rei forced a smile. "Okay," he said, and laid down as well, allowing Nagisa to once again cuddle up to him. He once again wrapped his arms around the boy, hugging him just a bit more tightly than before. Whatever that nightmare had been, he wanted to keep it away. He wasn't sure if he could, but he knew that hearing that terrified sound coming out of Nagisa's mouth was the most painful thing he had ever experienced.
.
.
.
Night·mare: A dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress.
For two days, Rei had been using his spare time to research dreams and nightmares. Dreams weren't something he knew much about in terms of academics or theory prior to observing Nagisa on Tuesday night. Although Rei had brought the subject up the day following the sleepover, Nagisa had laughed it off and insisted that it was normal and not to worry so much.
Even with Nagisa's words still fresh in his mind, Rei wasn't convinced. The very next day he had spoken to both Haru and Makoto about the issue, (glazing over the details of why exactly the two were in bed together,) asking them if they had ever known Nagisa to mention nightmares, or perhaps if he had suffered them in his younger years.
"Nightmares? I can't imagine someone like Nagisa having nightmares," Makoto had said, a hand on his chin thoughtfully as he delved deep into his memory. "I can't remember him ever mentioning anything about bad dreams. Haru, has he ever said anything to you?"
Haruka shook his head stoically, still towel-drying his hair. "No. But if he's having them now all of a sudden, something must be wrong." he had said, his piercing blue eyes shifting to lock onto Rei's meaningfully. Rei hadn't needed Makoto to translate for him, the intention was clear: Find out what's wrong with your boyfriend, he might need you.
Sitting at his desk with his laptop open in front of him, Rei sighed. No matter what he found, what sources he scoured or books he read, it seemed unanimous that nightmares were caused by stress and anxiety in waking life. This wasn't exactly something that surprised him, but it did surprise him that Nagisa could possibly be so anxious about something in his life for it to manifest like that in his dreams.
It also seemed to be a fact that the more a person avoided or ignored the stressors, the more the anxiety forced itself into the dreams in the form of suppressed emotions, making the nightmares considerably worse. This part troubled Rei. If the severity of Nagisa's nightmare had been any indication, he wondered if Nagisa's carefree attitude was keeping him from dealing with whatever problem plagued him.
Still… What problem could Nagisa have that was this severe? Why wouldn't he have mentioned something? Rei felt a tightness in his throat. Was it perhaps something concerning their relationship?
Rei closed his laptop and shook his head. He couldn't think like that. It wasn't going to help anything, least of all Nagisa.
.
.
.
Over the next few days, Rei had noticed a change in his boyfriend. To the casual observer it would seem that Nagisa was no different, and in truth, he was acting like his normal happy bubbly self. But upon meeting Nagisa at the train before school on Friday he noticed how tired Nagisa looked, and how bleary and distant his eyes were. Although it was subtle, Rei could make out dark rings forming just under Nagisa's eyes.
Nagisa greeted Rei with his usual smile, and Rei smiled back, although he was having a hard time of it while seeing the obvious fatigue on his boyfriend's face.
"Rei-chan, good morning!" Nagisa chimed. The blonde boy ushered the both of them onto the train, and as usual, they sat together, Nagisa resting his book bag between his knees. Rei looked at Nagisa seriously.
"How… Did you sleep?" Rei asked curiously. Nagisa blinked at him in surprise.
"Wow, do I look tired? I guess I didn't get the best sleep, but it's okay, because I feel wide awake." he replied, smiling and stretching hugely.
Rei worried his bottom lip for the briefest of seconds. "You didn't… Have another nightmare, did you?"
Nagisa looked surprised yet again. "Oh, that? Hmmm, maybe. I can't remember very well. But it isn't anything to worry about. Everybody has nightmares sometimes."
Why did he always say things like that? Rei murmured a simple "I see," and looked down at his lap, unsure of what else to say. It was something to worry about. Nagisa wasn't sleeping well, and he was having nightmares bad enough to keep him from getting the sleep he needed. At the moment, Rei felt helpless. If Nagisa didn't want to admit that there was a problem, then how could he possibly help?
Contrary to how chipper Nagisa had been on the train, Rei noticed the boy's usual energy waning as they headed to school. By the time they reached the gates, Nagisa practically looked like he was dozing off while standing.
Rei became increasingly worried about the blonde during their first class. Nagisa was known to doze off in class even on a full night of sleep, so Rei couldn't even imagine what was going to happen considering the circumstances. Rei stole many furtive glances behind him at Nagisa as the teacher spoke, always catching him at different stages of exhaustion, until finally the inevitable happened and Nagisa's head slumped forward and his eyes fell closed.
Rei was incredibly worried… A couple of students had already noticed that Nagisa was out, and had begun to exchange hushed jeers at his expense. Rei glared at them harshly although they weren't even looking in his direction.
It took only another short moment for the teacher to notice that Nagisa was sleeping. He stopped his lecture and exhaled in an irritated manner, tapping his knuckles against the surface of his desk.
"Hazuki-san!" he exclaimed pointedly, but Nagisa was beyond the point of response. The teacher sighed once more and started toward Nagisa's desk, presumably to wake him up; at this point, Rei stood up very suddenly in his chair, drawing the attention of the entire class. He hadn't really meant to, but something like a fierce protectiveness came over him and he found himself inclined to give in to it.
"Sensei!" Rei practically shouted, and immediately after he realized how forward he was being, he allowed himself to relax and push his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.
"Sensei, It's my understanding that Nagisa-kun hasn't been getting proper sleep lately. Even so, he's attempting to push through his fatigue to be able to attend school and get his work done. Allow me to take him to the nurse so that he can be checked to see if he's well enough to continue through the school day."
The teacher regarded Rei with something of a confused expression, and finally, after Rei was done speaking he waved a hand dismissively at him.
"That sounds acceptable, I suppose, but poor sleeping habits alone don't excuse it." The man placed a hand on Nagisa's shoulder and gave him a gentle shake to wake him up. "Hazuki-san, wake up. It's-"
That was as far as he got.
Nagisa's eyes flew open and locked on the man in front of him, the fear in his deep pink eyes unmistakable. In less time than it took for their teacher to pull away in alarm, Nagisa yelled out in a panic and yanked himself free of the man; forgetting he was at his desk he jerked out of his chair and landed hard on the floor.
It had all happened so quickly, no one really reacted except for Rei and their teacher; Rei couldn't help himself and had made a dash for Nagisa, and although the teacher had initially made to help his student up, he was still unclear as to what was going on and remained where he was for fear of making things worse.
As soon as Nagisa had hit the floor he had seemingly come back to reality; when Rei reached him he was already sitting up, rubbing his head and looking embarrassed. "Sensei… I'm sorry, I…" he laughed awkwardly, and glanced at Rei and the rest of the class briefly before averting his gaze. "I guess I'm feeling a little sick or something? I really don't know what happened."
"That's fine, Hazuki-san," their teacher said, still obviously wary of the situation. "Ryugazaki-san, why don't you take Hazuki-san to the nurse to get some rest?"
Rei didn't need to be told twice. He helped Nagisa to his feet, and with a hand on his arm although Nagisa most likely didn't need the extra support, they left the classroom, leaving hushed whispers of both concern and amusement behind them.
The journey to the nurse's office was uneventful and uncharacteristically quiet. Nagisa had giggled briefly about how embarrassing the incident had been, but had fallen rather silent after that. Rei didn't know what to say. The look of terror on Nagisa's face had been etched into his memory, and he was having a hard time stomaching it.
The nurse wasn't very helpful, but Rei hadn't expected her to be. She took Nagisa's temperature, but when it came back normal, she provided him with a glass of water and told him to rest in one of the beds for as long as he needed to. She also informed Rei that he could stay for a short while longer, but that he needed to get back to class soon. He agreed, and she let them be.
Nagisa took a long drink of his water, and then sighed in a satisfied way when he set the glass down.
"It's weird, I've never fallen out of my chair in class before. Sensei scared the life out of me for some reason. It's weird, right?" he asked Rei with a smile, sitting on the bed Indian-style. Rei didn't smile back.
"Were you having another nightmare?" he asked Nagisa seriously. Nagisa's smile vanished.
"Rei-chan, don't worry so much about the-"
"Don't tell me not to worry!" Rei exclaimed suddenly, effectively silencing his boyfriend. "I can't help it! You're having nightmares that are so bad they're keeping you up at night, and you're even having terrors when you wake up!"
Nagisa was silent. His gaze fell to the bedsheets, and Rei felt instantly horrible for his outburst.
"Nagisa-kun… I care about you. I just want you to be okay… And I can't help but worry. I feel like I'm useless to you if I can't even help with something as simple as a nightmare."
"You're not useless to me, Rei-chan! Of course you're not!" Nagisa's expression was adamant.
"Then tell me what I can do! What are the nightmares about? Is there something… Going on in your life that's causing you anxiety?" Rei asked earnestly.
Nagisa's gaze slowly met Rei's, and they regarded each other for a long moment before Nagisa spoke.
"I can't really remember what they're about when I wake up. It's almost like the more I try and remember, the faster it slips away, you know?"
Nagisa's gaze faltered and fell once again to the bedsheets. "There's a big room. There are broken pictures hanging on the walls but I can't see the pictures because of all the shattered glass. There are chairs in the middle of the room, with balloons tied to them, all in a circle, but there's no one sitting in them. Everything is so gray… And then the door opens, and there's a dark, creepy shadowy figure…"
Rei could see Nagisa physically shiver at the memory. After a moment of reflective silence, Nagisa looked up to meet Rei's eyes again with a smile and a carefree laugh. "It sounds really stupid probably, but they're pretty scary in the moment."
"It doesn't sound stupid," Rei reassured, his mind frantically trying and failing to decode the dream. He had spent a few days now reading all about nightmares and how to decipher them, but this sort of calculation was lost on him. His brain was more suited for facts and figures. Dreams were a world of metaphors and symbolism, and these were concepts that blatantly disregarded all semblance of solid logic.
Boldly, Rei fished for Nagisa's hand and gripped it tightly in his own. "Do you know what that dream could be about?" he asked softly, and Nagisa stared at Rei for such a length of time that Rei suspected he did. Instead of replying, Nagisa suddenly yawned and stretched, his hand slipping out of Rei's in the process.
"Ahh, I think the nurse was right," he said, grinning sleepily and shimmying under the bedsheets, "I should get some rest. I'm feeling better already, though! You should be going back to class, right Rei-chan?"
.
.
.
The wind was sharp and the sky was blotted with dark clouds, threatening another storm. The occasional rogue droplet of water tapped Rei's nose as he walked, the promise of a downpour to come.
Several times Rei had thought of perhaps calling or texting Nagisa instead of just dropping by his house unannounced, but everytime he pulled out his phone he put it away just as quickly and swallowed the growing fear in the back of his throat. He wasn't even sure if Nagisa wanted to see him at this point, but he had to make sure everything was okay, even if Nagisa seemed opposed to talking about whatever was wrong.
The walk to Nagisa's house was nerve-wracking as Rei contemplated all the different approaches he could try in confronting Nagisa about what was happening. He had outlined each approach and split them all into several categories based on what Nagisa's replies might be, and had just begun to mentally tag certain possible responses based on probability when he noticed a female walking out of Nagisa's house with several suitcases- presumably Nagisa's mother, it was hard to tell at this distance- heading toward a car that was parked on the street.
As Rei came closer, he could see Nagisa's mother clearly now as she chatted with a man Rei didn't recognize in the driver's seat. She stuffed the suitcases in the backseat, and it was here that Rei stopped walking just short of the front gate and stared, unsure if he should offer a hello or not.
Thankfully, Nagisa's mother saved him the trouble. She noticed him just as she put her hand to the passenger seat door, and smiled at him brightly. "Ryugazaki-kun!" she chimed, and bowed over to speak hastily to the man in the drivers seat before walking to where Rei was awkwardly standing.
"Hello, Hazuki-san," Rei said in greeting, casting a curious look at the car behind them. "Are you going on a trip?"
Nagisa's mother's smile faded to something of a somber expression, and she nodded. "Yes… I suppose I am. I'm sure Nagisa has told you everything by now, right?" she smiled cheekily at him, and Rei flushed; he had only met Nagisa's mother a few times, but he always had the sneaking suspicion every time they spoke that she knew exactly what sort of relationship the two of them were in.
He could hardly dwell on her suggestive tone at the moment, however. Nagisa hadn't been telling him everything… That was exactly the problem.
"Ah…"
"Hasn't he?" she asked him, her face falling. "Oh dear… I thought sure… He cares for you so much, I just assumed…"
Rei felt his stomach flop upside down. He pushed his glasses up instinctively. "I… I came here to talk to him about that. He's been…" Rei paused and chose his words carefully, "acting strangely lately. I came over because I was concerned."
Nagisa's mother smiled at Rei reproachfully. "You're a good friend to him, Ryugazaki-kun. I knew Nagisa wasn't being honest about how he felt… I should have known, being his mother." She almost looked like she could cry, and Rei opened his mouth to say something, perhaps to ask the question that was now perched on the tip of his tongue, but he said nothing. Nagisa's mother looked up to meet his eyes, and must have known what the question was going to be.
"Should I tell you what's going on, then?" she asked with a sad smile. Rei pondered the offer for a moment, perhaps a moment too long, and finally shook his head.
"N-No. Thank you. If Nagisa wants to talk about it with me, I should hear it from him."
Nagisa's mother laughed gently. "Well then, you may be exactly what he needs right now. I'm counting on you to look after him, okay?"
With a small wave, she turned and headed for the car, and Rei thought he could see water shining over her eyes as she got into the passenger seat.
Rei stared at the car as it drove off and away, farther and farther, and Rei thought he understood, but he pushed his suspicions away and focused on heading up to the house and keeping his thoughts in order.
As Rei raised his hand to ring the bell the door opened so suddenly that he started, and Nagisa framed the doorway, wide-eyed and looking more surprised than Rei had ever seen him.
"Rei-chan! You're here…" Nagisa's face slowly lit up with a smile, and he playfully grabbed Rei's sleeve, pulling him into the house. "You didn't text or anything! Rei-chan, that must have hurt to do something so spontaneous!" he said seriously, looking at Rei closely as if to see the pain on his face.
Under normal circumstances, Rei would have taken this moment to hastily deny such accusations, or at the very least admonish Nagisa for pulling him into the house before he had a chance to enter the home properly; but there were things to be dealt with, and Nagisa's face looked more tired than he'd ever seen it.
"Nagisa-kun… I ran into your mother outside."
Nagisa stared at Rei with an undeterminable expression, but remained silent. Rei continued.
"She was going somewhere, right? Where-"
"She left. That's all." came Nagisa's blunt reply, but he was smiling, his lips pulled into that sweet but impish grin he always wore, as if what he'd just said hadn't been unusual in the slightest. Rei wasn't quite sure what to say, but Nagisa grabbed his sleeve again and tugged it towards the stairs.
"Come on! My dad's still at work and my sister is out, so we're all alone! We should go to my room!" he said, and although Rei usually would have felt his face burning after such a bold statement, all he felt at the moment was sadness and frustration.
Rei set his bag down on the floor of Nagisa's bedroom, and Nagisa plopped down on his bed, sighing.
"It's a good thing you're here, Rei-chan! I could use your brain to help me with some of these problems," he said, casting his gaze to his desk where he had a few books and pages of notebook paper spread out haphazardly along with a couple of open bags of snack food. He glowered in the direction of the school work. "It's so haaaard. I was just about to give up," he whined.
Rei walked to the bed and sat down, resting his arms on his knees. Rei looked at Nagisa with a concerned expression. "Nagisa-kun…"
A thick silence fell over the room. Nagisa's wall clock ticked the seconds away with a loudness that only managed to intensify the silence, and Rei swallowed a lump that had settled uncomfortably in his throat.
There was never silence when Nagisa was around. Even at his most quiet, there was an energy surrounding Nagisa like a veil, and he emanated it so effortlessly that Rei almost considered him an anomaly. While dealing with Nagisa could sometimes prove to be tiring or frustrating, it was never boring and it was never awkward.
But now, it was almost as if Nagisa's usual energy had faded, leaving a forced, tired shell in its place. Even the silence that had fallen over the room held a heavy thickness that Rei had never experienced when in the presence of his boyfriend. To say that he was unsettled by this would be a vast understatement.
Nagisa laughed through his nose after some time, and shifted his weight to flop onto his stomach, holding his head up by means of his elbows, his legs swinging.
"My mom and dad got a divorce," he said, as if he were talking about the weather. "They just weren't working well together anymore. My mom met someone else, he's really nice. It was a mutual divorce, so it wasn't a problem. It's actually easier to do than I thought! They both just signed some papers, and poof! Just like that, their marriage ended. They're going to stay friends, which is pretty amazing, you know? It's like nothing has really changed, my mom is just going to live somewhere else, is all."
Rei watched Nagisa, his mouth having fallen slightly open. It took him longer than usual to summon words to convey what he was thinking. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Or any of us, Haruka-sempai, Makoto or Rin?" Rei asked softly, and Nagisa's gaze fell to his blankets. His shoulders jerked up in a playful shrug.
"I didn't want to worry anyone. Saying something like that out of the blue would just sour everyone's mood!" Nagisa laughed, tilting his head at Rei. "It's not even a big deal, if my parents are okay with it, so am I. So I just didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, or anything like that."
There were many emotions coursing through Rei all at once, but most prominently he felt wounded. Unable to stop himself, Rei stood up.
"They're your friends!" he exclaimed, causing Nagisa to stare with wide eyes. "And I'm… I'm your boyfriend, we're supposed to be telling each other what goes on in our lives! We would want to be there for you, just like you would be there for any of us! Saying you didn't want to worry us… That…" Rei shook his head, his expression hurt, "It's like saying you don't trust any of us! Like you don't trust… Me…" he trailed off, realizing his outburst just as his anger dissolved into concern.
Nagisa's eyes were large and surprised, but finally his gaze faltered and dropped. Nagisa stared hard at his bedsheets, as if he was trying very hard to avoid Rei's stare. "I'm really sorry…" he said, and Rei felt a jolt of guilt rush through him like cold steel. He slowly sat back down on the bed, looking at Nagisa with a regretful expression.
"Nagisa-kun… I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to get angry… It's just that I can't help but feel like you were trying so hard to keep this from me, and I can't figure out why. You must be feeling emotional about all this... Anyone would!" Rei said earnestly.
Nagisa smiled sadly and shook his head, blonde hair bouncing. "Rei-chan, this kind of thing happens all the time! And I'm lucky, my parents split on good terms, and they're still close! I can't really say I have anything to be upset about-"
"Like hell you don't!" Rei interjected seriously. "You can't even sleep through the night! These nightmares you're having, they exist because you're bottling all of this up and trying to ignore it! I've read all about this. That's what nightmares are. They're just manifestations of things that you aren't dealing with!"
Pushing himself up and sitting on his legs next to Rei, Nagisa laughed airily. "Rei-chan, why are you getting so worked up? I'm telling you, it's not a big deal! I'm perfectly fine, there's nothi-"
Cutting Nagisa off in mid-sentence, Rei grabbed the boy and pulled him roughly into a hug. Wrapping his arms firmly around him and nuzzling his nose into Nagisa's mess of blonde hair, Rei took a deep breath.
He was going off of instinct at the moment. Words weren't working… Just like calculations and theories when it came to swimming, words were useless in this situation. Rei understood that now. Nagisa wasn't depressed, he was drowning. He was desperately trying to keep his head above the surface of the water, but it was getting harder and harder to stay afloat. Rei knew the feeling well.
"Cry," he murmured softly to Nagisa.
The other boy was almost too surprised by the sudden embrace to hear him, but when Nagisa came back to himself, his mouth opened to issue an uncharacteristically soft voice. "W-wha-? Rei-chan…"
"I said, cry. Your parents aren't together anymore, and you're hurting. Your mother just left. It must be painful… And I'm so sorry I couldn't be here for you this whole time."
Nagisa's hands slowly gripped the back of Rei's shirt, and he found himself pressing his face into Rei's chest. His vision was swimming with water, and his breathing hitched, his body trying and failing to withhold a pitiful sob.
"So, you can cry if you need to. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere." Rei finished, resting his chin on the top of Nagisa's head.
And Nagisa cried.
Rei held him tight, shifting to allow the blonde boy to move in between his legs to get a better grip. Nagisa's body shook and trembled with repressed sobs, the sound of it breaking Rei's heart in more ways than he realized possible.
He wasn't sure how long they sat there like that. At one point Rei began to slowly rock, one of his hands trailing up Nagisa's back gently and slipping fingers into fluffy blonde hair. Nagisa clung to the other man as if he were the only thing keeping him afloat, his emotions spilling out messily in a tirade of tears and broken whines. Twice Rei heard his name mixed into the muffled sounds Nagisa was producing, both times without the 'chan' suffix attached, which caused his chest to tighten almost painfully.
As the crying began to subside, Nagisa said something into Rei's chest that was so muffled Rei couldn't make it out. He ceased rubbing Nagisa's back and pulled away only slightly.
"What did you say?" he asked gently.
"Rei-chan…" Nagisa wiped his face against his arm; his eyes were red, as was his face, and his cheeks were glistening with water. Rei couldn't help himself, and used his sleeve to help wipe away some of the tears.
"I said… I'm sorry I didn't tell you…" Nagisa said, his voice more deflated and exhausted than Rei had ever heard. "I was scared..." he finished, and Rei tilted his head at the other boy inquisitively.
"Scared? Of what?"
Nagisa took a deep breath and let it out shakily. Although he had managed to calm down, his shoulders were still twitching with the occasional hiccup.
"My mom and dad loved each other a lot… They had four children together. But they still fell out of love. So I couldn't help… But feel…" Nagisa trailed off, water pooling in his large pink eyes and rolling down his cheeks once again. He brought his knuckles to his eyes and cried again, softer this time.
"I want to be with Rei-chan forever… I don't ever want to fall out of love with Rei-chan… And I don't want Rei-chan to fall out of love with me…" he sobbed, and Rei felt a jolt of cold realization that rendered him actionless.
He had assumed it was only the divorce that was effecting the boy so much. He had never even thought about the possibility of something like that shaking someone's belief in the idea of love or partnership. He had honestly never thought about the notion.
Prior to meeting Nagisa and being more-or-less dragged into the swim club, he had never even thought of being in a relationship. He had turned down every confession he had ever received. It was Nagisa that he had inexplicably fallen for, this fiery little blonde that had pulled him rather forcibly out of his defensive shell and showed him how happy he could be in the company of other people.
The thought of no longer having Nagisa in his life wasn't an option he had ever considered. Nagisa was a vital variable in his life now, something that completed him, something that without his life would surely crumble.
Rei looked at Nagisa, his mouth slightly agape. The nightmares made sense now. The broken pictures, the empty chairs… Rei felt an overwhelming wave of affection for his boyfriend, and he was once again unable to convey it into words.
In lieu of saying anything, Rei brought his hands to the sides of Nagisa's face gently, large teary eyes meeting his in surprise just before he leaned in and kissed Nagisa's open mouth.
For just a moment nothing moved. Slowly, Nagisa's hands slipped over Rei's shoulders, and then around his neck, and then Nagisa was kissing him urgently, lips moving desperately against Rei's as if he needed his breath to survive.
Rei matched his passion, his tongue seeking passage into Nagisa's hot mouth and sliding over the other boys tongue and eliciting a soft whine from the blonde. Rei's hands dropped from Nagisa's face to hold tight to his waist, pulling the shorter boy closer to lock him into position between his thighs. Nagisa silently approved by nibbling Rei's lower lip, and Rei retaliated by sucking the boy's tongue forcefully, feeling Nagisa's body quake and shiver from the sensation, sending low hums of appreciation into Rei's mouth and causing him to shiver just as much.
Nagisa pulled away only by an inch, his breath hot and inviting against Rei's mouth. "Rei…" he softly whined, causing Rei to flush crimson at the lack of the usual suffix. Without much warning, Nagisa pushed Rei back on the bed, falling with him and landing on top of him effortlessly. The blonde rested his hands on Rei's shoulders, keeping himself suspended above the dark-haired boy, looking down at him with an almost pained expression.
"I love you, Rei-chan," Nagisa choked out, and Rei's violet eyes widened a fraction in response. "I love you, I love you, I love you…" Nagisa squeezed his eyes shut and another tear slid down his flushed face. "I don't ever want to be apart from you… I would be so alone…" To prevent himself from crying yet again, Nagisa bit his bottom lip, opening his eyes to stare at Rei with glossy pink globes that shined with intensity.
Rei's mouth fell open. He had never seen this side of Nagisa, this hopelessly vulnerable side that was terrified of being left behind. Nagisa was always so confident, so energetic, it was hard to imagine anything getting to him. Rei now understood why it had hurt him so much to see Nagisa suffering from those nightmares… They were glimpses of the emotions that Nagisa had been trying to keep to himself.
Slowly, Rei's hand moved up to touch the side of Nagisa's face, wiping a tear away. He smiled softly. Although seeing Nagisa like this was strange and painful, it made him happy as well. Nagisa was only human, after all. He had fears and insecurities just like everyone else. But he had shown these fears to Rei, and only to Rei.
"You're so beautiful, Nagisa," Rei said softly, and Nagisa smiled for the first time since everything had come to the surface.
"I'm a mess," Nagisa pointed out, his laughter punctuated with another sob.
"No. I mean, you're the most beautiful person I've ever met. I can't imagine my life without you anymore… And just the thought of not being with you, it hurts."
Nagisa's lips parted, and he almost looked like he could cry again, but he didn't. Instead, one of his hands left Rei's shoulder and covered the hand that was caressing his cheek, fingers intertwining.
"I can't tell you with any certainty what the future holds," Rei said honestly, if not slightly regretfully. "But I know that my life was so empty before you came along, so colorless, and right now, I know that I want to be with you for as long as possible. Even if we are separate, I want to be with you. No one else will do."
Squeezing Rei's hand, Nagisa dissolved into tears again, but they were different this time. They sounded happy, if tears could emulate emotions, and Rei knew that logically they couldn't, but there were a great many things in this world that didn't make any sense.
Nagisa dropped down on top of Rei, his arms slinking their way around his neck and hugging him fiercely. Rei smiled and hugged him back, body pressed firmly against body, and all at once Nagisa's crying sounded almost like it turned into joyous laughter, soft and muffled into Rei's neck.
"Rei-chan," Nagisa said, so muffled that Rei could barely understand him.
"Yes."
"Sleep here with me tonight, will you?" Nagisa said with a tired giggle, hugging Rei even more tightly.
Rei smiled and shut his eyes. "Yes." he said simply. He wouldn't leave even if Nagisa wanted him to. He was going to stay, and he was going to fight off any nightmares that dared plague Nagisa tonight.
But he had a feeling there were no more nightmares to be had.